SHOW / EPISODE

436: How do you get out of your head around sex? (ft. Scott Kaltenbaugh)

51m | Oct 23, 2026

Ever feel like sex is less of a good time and more of a test you can’t afford to fail?

In the words of one man from my sex research: “I’m afraid of giving a bad performance and not being invited back.”

After coaching men for over a decade, I can tell you this is one of the most common things I hear behind closed doors -- and one of the least talked about. But overthinking about sex is extremely common. One review in Sexual Medicine Reviews says sexual performance anxiety affects up to 1 in 4 men.

Here, Scott gets real about his own years in the overthinking trap. We walk through getting out of your head at three stages:

  1. Approaching someone new
  2. Initiating with your long-term partner
  3. During sex itself

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We also cover a very different way to measure whether sex went “well.” Plus, a client who’d been losing his erection with his new girlfriend came back raving about the weekend he’d just had!

Getting stuck in your head around sex can show up as erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation (PE), delayed ejaculation (DE) ... or as never making a move at all. It’s rarely a one-time thing, either: sometimes one awkward moment can turn into a story about what kind of man you are, and the next time gets even harder.

Whether you freeze up before asking her out, hesitate to reach for your wife because it’s “been a while,” lose your erection halfway through, or finish before you want to (or can’t finish at all), getting in your head is common -- and there’s way more possible here than you’ve been led to believe.

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THE MAN SHE CRAVES is here!

Enrollment is now open for my brand-new, year-long program for men -- single, partnered, or anywhere in between -- who want a vibrant, passionate love life with abundant sex and deep closeness. Registration closes Nov 1st. Go to join.melaniecurtin.com/themanshecraves to learn more.

And I strongly encourage you to get on my list if you're not already! I'm sending out special stuff there and I want you included. To get on it, if you're in the US, text BACKSTAGE to 33777. Outside the US, just email me at dearmenpodcast@gmail.com or sign up at www.melaniecurtin.com.

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Mentioned on this episode:

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

  • “If I don’t ace this exam ... she’s not going to want to come back for more.”
  • “It’s really hard to be present with someone fully if a big chunk of you is tied up in your own head.”
  • “Much of the time, for me, sex is a presence practice.”
  • “In order to get out of your head, you gotta get into your body.”
  • “Being approached is not creepy. Being approached again and again is creepy.”
  • “‘Scott, the problem is that you don’t trust me.’”
  • “I had to learn to trust women that they wanted to be seen sexually.”
  • “You have the right to your turn-on.”
  • “‘Man, that f*cking worked.’”
  • “It’s not 'ejaculation time.' It’s 'sexy time.'”
  • “I wish I had done the work sooner.”
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Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women
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