“Who’s taking up space in the relationship?”

“If I don’t have any boundaries, I’ll often attract someone who doesn’t honor boundaries.”

“Partners like this can be really smart.”

“Because you’re the closest to them, you get all the wild crazy.”

“I hear a new rule, I try to do that, and I still lose.”

“It’s pretty hard to do alone.”

“It really feels like, ‘There is no way out.’”

“It can be comfortable but not very alive.”

“Our guys don’t just want sex - they want closeness.”

“Why do you need that? Isn’t this enough?”

You've probably heard of penis rings. Maybe you've even tried one!? But there's a another tool almost nobody talks about — the men who've actually explored it say nothing else compares, and yet most guys never even consider it, because of one thing: shame.

Whether it's a marriage that's quietly gone sexless, an erection that isn't cooperating the way it used to, or just curiosity about what's actually out there beyond what you already know, midlife brings up a lot of questions men don't feel safe asking anyone — not their partner, not their doctor, not even their friends.

Karen Bigman gets it. A certified sex educator at 60, she's got 3 fun categories of sex toys she recommends for men. We get into things like: How does a penis pump actually work in real life with a partner — do you pause mid-makeout to grab it, or does it happen before you even get to the bedroom?

And we go somewhere most men never go: the prostate. What's it actually like? Why do the men who've explored it describe it like "watching in high def"? And how do you even start, solo or with a partner?

One stat that stuck with me: according to Mayo Clinic, erectile dysfunction can show up 3-5 years before any other symptoms of heart disease appear. Your body may be trying to tell you something before anything else does.

If you've ever been curious about exploring more but didn't know where to start — or didn't think it was "allowed" — this one's for you.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Mentioned on this episode:

• Karen's site: TabooToTruth.com
• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• MyHixel — penis rings, and a premature-ejaculation training system
• FirmTech — clip-on penis rings, including the Tech Ring (tracks nocturnal erections)
• O-Nut — stackable comfort/bumper rings
• MV Health (formerly Mystery Vibe) — vibrating prostate massagers
• Aneros — prostate massagers
• Maude (Shine) — lube I recommend

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I think the sexiest thing a man can do is ask."
• "Your penis health is a barometer of your overall health."
• "It's like watching a show in high def."
• "The two hardest conversations in relationships are sex and money."
• "This is a guy that's actually, like, cares. This is a guy that wants to talk to me. He doesn't just want to get in my pants."
• "'I don't care if I ever have sex again.'"
• "60 is the new 60."

Edge City is one of the most exciting, fun, engaging, dynamic communities of which I'm a part -- and here I get to interview one of the founders! (This is very exciting for me.)

Edge City runs month-long "pop-up villages" — 500 to 1,000 people from tech, science, culture, and art, gathered in one small, walkable town, building things together. In Timour's words, "It's got the dynamism of a city, with the vibe of a village — that's kind of a design principle for us."

In my words: It's like summer camp meets a tech conference ... and it's also a hotbed of attraction. :)

But what happens when you meet someone in an environment where you absolutely will run into them again? What if you don't want to make her uncomfortable by asking her out? How do organizers think about this?

As Timour puts it, "We are in a weird time when it comes to dating.” But don't worry -- we discuss the anonymous "crush" feature that could change everything.

We also get into the dating dynamics at the village specifically, including my feeling of being surrounded by attractive men and yet noticeably under-approached. We cover the couple whose second date really was an entire month-long event, and the strange twist where Timour says this is actually the opposite of Burning Man's infamous "playa romance" phenomenon.

If you've ever wondered whether there's a real-world alternative to the apps — something that isn't just another platform — this one's worth your full attention.

—

Come to Edge City!

The next Edge City is in Goa, India from Oct 11–Nov 1. Plus there's a smaller, 30-person trip to Bhutan from Nov 11–19. Use code DEARMEN for 20% off Goa tickets. Details at edgecity.live.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Edge City: upcoming events in Goa, India (Oct 11–Nov 1) and Bhutan (Nov 11–19)
• Questions about Edge City? Email DearMenPodcast@gmail.com

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I felt like there were all these attractive men, and no one was approaching me."
• "We've even had a few kids conceived at or because of Edge."
• "I don't want to be the weird guy who's approaching... what if that makes them uncomfortable?"
• “It was about how alive I felt in that environment.”
• “It’s exponentially more meaningful than a one- or two-day conference.”
• “There is the serendipity of running into people that feels magical.”
• “We’re pushing ourselves forward both personally as well as society.”
•  “It’s the dynamism of a city with the vibe of a village.”
• “Why doesn’t your neighborhood feel communal?”
• “We needed from the beginning to have the architecture and DNA that would be welcoming to children.”
•  “We grow up and we’re taught to find The One.”
• “You need to go through the crucible of, ‘Is this the right person for me?’”

She's successful. She's put together. She seems like she doesn't need anyone. So why does dating still feel impossible for her — and why does she seem so hard to get close to?

The men we work with are almost always intensely curious about what life is like on the "other side." What do single women contend with? What are their biggest dating, sex, and relationship challenges? Here, Violet breaks down 3 top issues frequently faced by single women — the ones most men never clock, because women have gotten so good at hiding them.

We get into why the most "together," successful women are often the most terrified of being seen, and what that has to do with whether she actually notices you making eye contact across the room.

We dig into the hot-and-cold thing — why it happens, why it almost never has anything to do with you, and why the woman across from you at dinner may be carrying more than she's ever said out loud.

And we unpack the unconscious dating pattern nearly every long-single woman is repeating without knowing it — the one Violet says she couldn't see either, until someone lovingly pointed it out.

Plus: the bar story about the guy who approached a whole circle of women, and what has changed in Violet's own marriage after over a decade together.

If you've ever felt like you couldn't figure out how to "get in" with a woman who seems to have it all together — or you're partnered with a woman who runs hot and cold — this one could fundamentally change how you see her.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Love Harmonics (Violet's 6-week, $69 program on breaking unconscious dating patterns; open to all genders): [https://violetlange.com/loveharmonics/?affiliate_code=5b90a8]
• Episode 153: Her Sexual Healing: How to Support Her and Get Your Needs Met (ft. Violet Lange)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "The flower opens and the bee appears. Not, the bee comes by knocking on the door, and then the flower decides to open."
• "I want to be seen for all of who I am, and not just in my need."
• "It fucking works! It really works!"
• "I now have soul-shaking sex with my husband... and we've been together 11 years."
• "Your happily ever after starts with you — it's not up to fate, it's not up to some meet-cute. It's really an inside job."

Let's be real: Modern dating culture can suck. Between ghosting, confusion over when to have sex, the commodification of our love lives, and people throwing up old photos on Tinder, Feeld, or Bumble, it's not always clear how to make it work.

But Freya isn't playing by the rules anymore. Instead of sticking with the apps, which can leave both men and women feeling dejected, she's running a full-blown, 3-month public campaign to find a boyfriend ... and she's inviting her entire audience along for the ride.

What's equally as cool is that she's challenging herself on an essentially daily basis to approach men in the wild. We get all up into how this is going for her (how do you approach a guy at the grocery store? What if he's got headphones in? What if he's taken? How does she handle rejection?), and her strong and well-made points about how we could all "do" dating better.

We also dig into the wildest event she's said yes to (hint: 250 people were watching); what happened on her fourth lap around a park after 3 failed attempts to talk to a cute guy walking his dog; and why the little note cards she's been handing out to strangers might be the most old-school-meets-radical dating move going right now.

And a distinction we both come back to: the difference between dominating, being passive, and leading (and why "leading" is the one that actually works).

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• Find Freya a Fella (Freya's crowdsourced-boyfriend campaign): freyagraf.com
• The Labia Lounge (Freya's podcast on sex and dating, for all genders)
• The Man Cave (the org where Freya facilitates workshops for teenage boys on healthy masculinity, emotional literacy, boundaries, and consent)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "This is not an empowering place to be that we find ourselves in."
• "The bar is very low. It's very close to the ground."
• "'No one's ever done that. Like, good on you.'"
• "I literally massage vaginas for a living."
• "That's basically a precursor to being in a relationship with a man who doesn't make effort."
• "97% of women did not mention anything about how hard a man got, or how long he lasted. And 0% mentioned him having a six-pack."
• "I want love, I love love, I'm not ashamed to admit it."
• "Don't be afraid to write a note -- it's adorable."

"Is your dick going to be synced to porn?"

That's not hypothetical — it's already on the market. Here, intimacy expert Susan Bratton walks me through "weird" phenomena at the frontier of sex tech and AI, including synchronized strokers, tele-dildonics (I'll bet that's a word you've never come across before), role-player game (RPG) worlds where you can get down and dirty with an Aztec warrior woman, and adaptive AI that learns what gets you off and gives you more of it.

But where does this genuinely help? And where can it quietly wreck your dopamine system and/or real-world relationships? We delve into all of it, including the exact device suite that Susan and her boyfriend use for long-distance sex. Imagine being thousands of miles apart, still having synchronized orgasms on video. (I did not expect the "hard-boiled egg" comparison, but you'll get it once you hear it.)

Plus:

• How a woman can regnerate her vaginal tissue (YES, this helps if she's dry after/during perimenopause/menopause)
• The 96% statistic about what most porn is actually showing you
• The ancient technique that separates orgasm from ejaculation
• Why penis pumps are not the cheesy novelty you think they are

And a fundamental truth that Susan and I agree on: The best sex tech in the world means nothing without the communication skills underneath it. Plus what I consider the quote of the episode: "I want to live forever and fuck till I die!"

—

Come to the retreat!

As of this recording, we have 4 spots left for our Labor Day weekend retreat! Sept 3-7th in Northern California (about 2 hrs north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

As one man says, "If you're thinking about going, you're already there."

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• Drive Desire (Susan's full toy/device library): www.drivedesire.com

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "No one's ever given her these types of strokes before."
• "They don't want you addicted to the yoni. They want you addicted to the screens."
• "Your dick is a tongue, not a piston."
• "You don't owe me an ejaculation."
• "How's your hoo-ha doing?"
• "When you are a turned-on woman or a turned-on man, you're turned on to life."
• "Your sexual vitality and your vitality are two sides of the same coin."

“I was nervous as hell.”

So shares one of the men in this episode about how he felt stepping onto the land of our in-person retreat. In another's words, “I went into a panic because I’m having flashbacks of summer camp.”

What's it really like to do live men's work?

The truth is, most men that come to live retreats are intimidated in one way or another. Rates of bullying are astronomically high, and you don't always know what to expect. As another put it, “There’s a shared understanding of the brutality between men.” And, “When I was a boy, there was never any spiritual or deep, emotional holding by men in my life.”

But you can write -- and experience -- a different story. You can have a new experience of brotherhood ... and what that makes possible may be something you've never even considered.

In one man's words, “The dynamic within my whole family has changed.” Another said, “There’s now a level of connection now with my wife that I can’t even describe.”

If you'e ever felt like you didn't fit in as a kid, or you're just plain curious about how our retreat has impacted other men, listen on. There can be kind and loving experiences of masculine love.

---

Come to the retreat!

As of this recording, we have 4 spots left! It's over Labor Day weekend, Sept 3-7th in Northern California (about 2 hours north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

Or as one man said, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t sure I could.”
• “I was deathly afraid to become a terrible father.”
• “I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life.”
• “I realized — through all the work I’ve been doing, therapy, self-reflection, etc. — how much love I have for myself (finally).”
• “If we’re gonna talk about this trauma, we might as well do it in the hot tub!”
• “There was racism even within my own church.”
• “I can accept other men’s unconditional love, and it helped me know how to provide unconditional love to other men.”
• “I came into the first retreat a very tough nut to crack.”
• “There is hope with change.”
• “You’ll make friends.”
• “Come for the food; stay for the healing.”
• “You WILL experience a transformation.”
• “Just get there.”

Have you ever felt like your woman was routinely frustrated, resentful, or annoyed with you? Like you can't get anything right, and then on top of that, when it comes to sex or physical intimacy, FORGET about it. Not happening.

If so, you may be contending with reverse polarity. This can happen in either direction, but we find that with our clients, it's illuminating to explore the flavor when a man is more in omega (his feminine) and a woman more in her alpha (her masculine).

Here, we delve into the different stages of relationship as they relate to polarity (original concept by author and thought leader David Deida.) We also get into what to DO about reverse polarity. How do you re-polarize a relationship if you haven't been very polarized lately?

The focus, as always, is how we can grow into sexier, more fulfilling relationships on both sides.

—

Come to the Retreat!

We've still got 7 spots left as of this episode dropping! Sept 3-7th, NorCal. www.evolutionary.men/retreat

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, is where it all happens. You can join anytime -- book a call at www.evolutionary.men/apply.

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

Ever feel like you're doing everything "right" — showing up, being kind, respecting her — but only getting crumbs?

First dates that never turn into second dates. A marriage where you've quietly become roommates; no matter what you do, there's no sex, and there's not even very much affection. That feeling of putting in a ton of effort and still spinning your wheels.

If any of that lands, you're likely living out some version of Nice Guy Syndrome.

Outgrowing being a Nice Guy doesn't mean becoming a jerk. It does mean that you learn some skills or make some shifts you've maybe never even thought of before.

Here, Jason and I break down the 3 specific things that support men in graduating from being a Nice Guy — the ones that take them from stuck to, "Wait, this actually works now?"

—

Come to the Retreat!

Join us live in Boonville, CA (near Napa) in early September. As of this episode dropping, we've got 8 spots left. www.evolutionary.men/retreat

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper? Our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, is where men transform. Book a call at www.evolutionary.men/apply.

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I'm trying really fucking hard and I'm not winning anywhere in it."
• "No woman can trust your yes if you do not have the capacity to say no."
• "You can't get better at community without being in community."
• "If shame is getting in the way of that, she doesn't have a chance to shine."

How much does a woman's sexual satisfaction depend on the size, shape, or other physical details of your cock?

According to research out of the UK, this question is on the hearts of a lot of men. To quote this study: "Men showed significant dissatisfaction with penile size, despite perceiving themselves to be of average size."

In other words, it's common, if you're a man, to wonder (or worry) about whether size matters.

Now here's the real question: Do women that sleep with men track this, and if so, how much?

The truth is that there's as much diversity in the world of penises as there is in the world of human beings. And as women who have sex with men, we've seen a whole bunch! Here, we get real about sex, relationships, hookups, play, and cock size.

---

Join us!

We've got a few spots left at our live, in-person retreat, September 3rd–7th — five days of embodiment, brotherhood, and doing the work that will actually move the needle. Get in here: https://evolutionary.men/retreat

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Please Her In Bed, my streaming course: www.pleaseherinbed.com

Do you want to establish a new, healthier habit, but so far you just ... haven't? For example: eat more veggies; exercise; have a meditation practice; be bolder with women/your woman; or a big one: cease watching porn.

According to a meta-analysis on this exact questions, intentions only account for ~30% of whether someone actually changes behavior — meaning you can be fully committed and clear on what you want to do, and that commitment still barely predicts whether you’ll do it.

The good news? Change is possible; it just doesn’t happen the way you think it does.

We get into the real gap — between knowing and embodying — and cover why some of the smartest, most self-aware men we work with can describe their patterns with PhD-level precision, but still be stuck in the exact same loop years later.

We also talk about the guy who showed up to the work feeling stuck and hopeless ... and who's now having the most fulfilling sex of his life with the healthiest partner with whom he has ever been.

Fair warning: this one might make you rethink how you've been trying to change -- and you might start taking the actions that'll ACTUALLY get you what you want.

—

Join us!

We've got a few spots left at our live, in-person retreat, September 3rd–7th — five days of embodiment, brotherhood, and doing the work that will actually move the needle. Get in here: https://evolutionary.men/retreat

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "You don't know how deep the pond is till you get in there."
• "It's the difference between information and transformation."
• "Healing your relationship with other men sets you up for success with women."
• "Courage is not, 'I know everything's gonna be fine.' Courage is, 'I'm scared and I'm doing it anyway.'"
• "There is no replacement for the group."
• "The payoff is so grand — but you gotta take some risks, you gotta do the damn thing."
• "That guy's got fucking balls and fire ... and he feels so safe to be around."
• "Shame is healed in community."

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, what is AI good for? And where can it potentially cause damage?

Here, Jason and I go point-for-point — one way AI can support your love life, one way it can harm it — and get into the nuances most people aren't talking about.

We cover what AI is actually good for: crafting the message you can feel but can't quite say; getting unstuck when you're in your head at midnight; brainstorming date ideas that generate real dopamine for the couple; handling the "shit work" of logistics so you can show up more present.

We share the real story of one client whose fight with his wife got a little unstuck through an unexpected AI assist — and the "family assistant" moment that changed everything for a friend struggling to ask for help.

We also delve into in which ways AI can be like emotional porn; what MIT research shows about how heavy AI use impacts mental health and relationships; and why people literally grieved when OpenAI turned down the sycophancy dial.

The deepest cut? AI has no needs. It will never trigger you, never require repair, never push back. And if you spend enough time in that dynamic... you might start to forget that friction is what actually creates intimacy. But real negotiation between two different humans — that's not the obstacle to love. That IS love.

If you're curious about AI and want to use it wisely — without letting it quietly erode the very capacities that make you magnetic — this one's for you.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "There's a risk she's gonna figure it out."
• "What's our agreement or understanding about AI in our relationship?"
• "You've got to make sure you're working it, and it's not working you."
• "AI can give us the fake sugar version of relationship."
• "It doesn't have any needs. It doesn't have any triggers. There's no need to negotiate."
• "The friction of relationship is what we learn to work — and it's what makes it meaningful."
• "Get really good at friction. If you can be the one in the room who can hang in conflict — that is only going to become more valuable."
• "It can be part of your team. It can't be your whole team."
• "Safety and trust is built in person with human beings — and most of what we're gauging is how they are being with us, not what they are saying."

"Is this in my head, or is this real?"

Millions of women ask themselves this question -- about their sleep, their mood, their body suddenly working differently than it used to. They can't tell if they can't sleep as well as they used to because they've got two young children ... or whether it's perimenopause.

If you want to be an awesome partner (either now or in the future), listen on! This is the hormonal literacy class you never got that could help with everything.

Here I sit down with Morgan Miller, midwife and co-author of The Cycle Book (with her best friend, sex therapist Laura Federico), to decode what's actually happening in a woman's body as she's in different phases.

We go deep on perimenopause: sleep disruption, night sweats, heart palpitations, ER scares no one warns you about; the anxiety and PMDD that can be a hormonal sensitivity, not an imbalance. There's also the easy, often-missed fix for vaginal dryness, recurrent UTIs, and painful sex (a targeted topical instead of antibiotics).

We also cover why a single blood draw is just "her estrogen at 2pm on a Tuesday" — and why tracking biomarkers (which is actually pretty simple) over a few cycles tells you a LOT more.

Plus a stat that floored me: period-tracking apps are only ~20% accurate at predicting ovulation — wrong roughly 80% of the time.

If your woman has ever been told "everything's fine" while her body said otherwise, and you've felt helpless watching it — this one's for you.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• The Love Field: Hot Love Summer → www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• The Cycle Book: An Interactive Step-by-Step Guide to Tracking Hormones and Knowing Your Body by Laura Federico, LCSW & Morgan Miller, CPM, LM
• Work with Morgan & Laura (virtual; they also train providers): www.itslauraandmorgan.com

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I feel loved when the men in my life know things about a woman's body."
• "Men have a 24-hour cycle, too."
• "Vaginas are so smart — they're self-cleaning systems."
• "Don't get pigeonholed into the algorithms; you're not every human."
• "It's like learning a new language. Once you learn it, you can't unlearn it."
• "Is this my body adjusting? Is this my body asking for support? Or should I be getting a divorce?"
• "There's no amount of hormones you can pump your body full of that's going to make your libido crank up if you're not into it."
• "We are patient zero. We are figuring this out for ourselves."

A 2022 dating survey showed that a whopping 69% of American men say that fear of being labeled "creepy" impacts how they interact with women. And 44% said it diminishes how much they interact with women at all, romantically or otherwise.

In other words, the fear of being creepy can hold you back from all connection with women, not just in the realm of dating/relationships.

But let's talk about sex and dating for a moment. The cruel irony is that this kind of fear usually means you've got a good heart — but left unchecked, it can make you shrink, go invisible, and tuck your sexuality away entirely ... which kills polarity.

Here, Jason and I count down the top 3 ways to make sure you're NOT coming off as creepy. We get practical as well as emotional. I share the "library story" I still think about; Jason gets honest about the years he spent frozen and numb — and we get into why whoever is breathing more deeply in the room ... is holding alpha.

We also share the simple thing you can say out loud that turns an awkward, high-stakes context with a woman into one where she actually feels safe enough to say yes — including the exact line that helped one man ask out a longtime friend and land in the healthiest relationship either of them had ever had.

plus a breakthrough that took one client from scared-and-small to making out outside a restaurant with a woman he thought was "out of his league" — plus the married man who finally said six words to his wife he'd never dared say in their whole marriage, and how she responded.

Whether you've frozen, over-corrected, or held your fire because you were terrified of being "that guy" — single or married — this one's for you. You can move beyond creepy and reclaim this part of yourself ... and everyone benefits when you do.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "'Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.'"
• "There's an inverse relationship between safety and creepy."
• "Head evokes head, heart evokes heart, body evokes body."
• "And she said, 'It's not that I don't want that — it's not like this, right now.'"
• "The problem isn't always the context — it's whether you set a container and can speak to it."
• "There's nothing wrong with our sexuality. It's what we do with it."
• "Whether you say yes or no, I'm going to be okay."
• "'I find it really hot when you wear a short skirt and boots!'"
• "Shame is healed in community."

Who doesn't have trust issues? Let's be real.

Whether it shows up as "I don't trust her to handle my anger," or "I'm afraid I'll just be treated like an ATM" or, "I can't relax until I know the person really, really well," — almost all of carry some version of trust concerns into our dating and relationships.

Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lange and I do something we don't often get to: We put our worlds side by side. I work primarily with men who are attracted to women; she works primarily with women who are attractd to men.

Here we map out the top 3 trust issues we see in our clients -- in other words, how trust issues show up differently across men and women that are attracted to the opposite sex. And, encouragingly, we outline how the path to healing them is remarkably similar.

We also get practical about the 3 things required to actually rebuild trust — and none of them is blind trust. As Violet puts it, the goal isn't to trust everyone; it's to trust trustable people, and to feel good about staying closed when you need to.

If you want the relationship but dread the dating part; if you're tired of being on dating apps; if you keep wondering "why do I keep ending up here?" — this one's for you. Trust can be repaired. People come, they grow, they flourish.

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — Violet's and my new 3-month program (constellations, embodiment, polarity, and the brave conversations we were never taught to have,). Starts June 18th; early bird ends Monday, June 8th. Enroll at www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• Documentary: The Mask You Live In — on how our culture socializes boys and men; this is a great way to open dialogue if you have a young man in your life
• DM 114: Bullying, resilience, and relationships — on reclaiming a healthy relationship to the masculine after being bullied as a kid, teen, or adult

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I'm so sick of being on the apps."
• "I feel like I can't have sex with someone until I know them really, really, really well."
• "We feel unsafe to be in our bodies."
• "Wow, that was really healing to experience something different."
• "The concern is: In my most vulnerable moments, I will be left."
• "Women fear, 'I won't be chosen.'"
• "I've been loyal to myself throughout."
• "I'm not afraid to start over."
• "A lot of it is about recognizing the patterns that we've inherited."
• "Now I feel a little more relaxed in my body, so that I can be open to men that are safe for me."
• "I want the relationships but I don't really want to go through the dating part."

You love your partner. You're committed. But the sex has slowed to a trickle — once a month, once every six months, maybe not in years — and you're starting to wonder: "Is this just what long-term partnership is?"

No -- it doesn't have to be. Unfortunately, if this is happening and you're feeling lonely in your marriage, you're not alone. And it can be hard to know what to do; millions of men feel ill-equipped to address the issue because either a) whenever they do, it becomes a fight; or b) they're scared of coming off as demanding or a jerk.

Here, Jason and I count down the 5 root causes we see most often behind sexless relationships, ranked from least to most common, drawing on our work with hundreds of men.

We cover how much changes when you have kids (including the partner that just can't relax when the kids are in the house); resentment and quiet breaches of trust; mental load; what kind of sex actually feels good for women; and how to engage on the topic skillfully. As Jason says: “Neither men nor women do well when sex is connected to pressure.”

We also share story after story of men whose "spines got straighter," who stopped using sex to discharge stress, and whose wives initiated for the first time in a decade!

If you've been the higher-desire partner wondering, "Is this just how it is now?" -- this one's for you. It can come back online, and when it does, it's often even more glorious than ever.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• The Love Field -- our new co-gendered course www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?
• DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do this
• My streaming course Please Her In Bed — which includes how a man can lead sexual communication (www.pleaseherinbed.com)
• DM 172: Revealing my sex research, one stat at a time (ft. Robbie Kramer)
• DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain -- episode with my friend Z, who took a Tantra course and went on her own journey of sexual healing within her marriage

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Instead of being on the same team, suddenly we’re against each other.”
• “This is the challenge most couples aren’t prepared for.”
• "'I enjoyed that he enjoyed it.' ... That's not the same thing as, 'I enjoyed it.'"
• “How do we actually create desire in the relationship? That's polarity.”
• "If there are unresolved tensions between the two of you, there's no room for erotic tension."
• "'My wife initiated with me for the first time in, I swear to God, a decade.'"
• “After retreat these guys are CHARGED UP with masculine energy.”
• “Spending deep, quality time with other men is a big part of this.”
• “‘I want you to take me!’”
• "It can change."
• "Good sex is like lubricant for the relationship itself."

Ever been told you're a "great guy!" but she's "just not feeling it"? Or felt like you're endlessly chasing women but never being pursued yourself?

Here, we dig into what's actually happening when women consistently report not feeling attracted to you -- and what you can do about it.

The truth is, attraction only has a little to do with what you look like physically. For example, one client came into our program good-looking by every conventional standard: broad shoulders, nice body, the whole thing.

But he wasn't having success with women. He was frustrated and stuck. He felt like if he kept going in the same vein, he'd never get the partnership he craved. In this episode we reveal how he got to a breakthrough; after 8-10 weeks of doing what we talk about ... he was being chased for the first time in his life.

Plus, Jason shares a personal story — a date that fizzled, a year of doing the men's work, and then reconnecting with the same woman and completely changing the dynamic -- including having sexy time! Not because he looked different. Because he showed up differently.

Spoiler: "A man's looks account for 20% of attraction. The consciousness that animates a man is 80% of it." And the good news — that 80% is workable.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "If I'm in the friend zone with a woman, can I change it?"
• "I would freeze when it would be time to bring attraction forward."
• "We know pretty fast whether we're interested in someone."
• "There are a lot of guys that know they were attracted to a woman they're friends with from the moment they met."
• "Rejection wears you down."
• "I don't want to make her uncomfortable, so I'm going to hold that back."
• "We ended up changing it to a sexual relationship."
• "By being direct, you're leading."
• "I can't always tell whether I'm attracted to a man until he comes towards me."
• "You're just the same man with a nicer car."
• "I'd never had a woman chase me before."

You know the feeling. You've been holding a vision — for the partner, the family, the sex life you actually want — for months. Maybe years. Maybe decades. And it's still not here.

And underneath the longing, there's a quieter, scarier question: Is there something wrong with me that it hasn't happened yet?

Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lang and I have an honest conversation about what it actually takes to hold a long-term vision without collapsing or giving up. We speak vulnerably from experiences in our own lives, as well as the lives of hundreds of clients with whom we've worked.

Violet walks us through her fertility journey (including two devastating miscarriages, failed IVF, and ultimately the path of donor embryo) — which she never would have chosen without being brought to her knees first. She also shares her journey from dissociating during sex and fearing that maybe she was broken — to a genuinely thriving sex life.

I share my own stretch — over a year of unstable housing while trying to co-found a group house, watching teams fall apart, deals fall through, and feeling a good amount of despair. And my 10-year vision of a conscious romantic partner that's still unfolding.

We dig into what actually moves the needle; why the closer you get, the harder it sometimes feels; what Violet calls "initiation" — and why you cannot do this alone.

Plus, a client story: a woman who, 8 years post-divorce, went on barely 2-3 dates and completely shut down after a shady situation. And then, within a few months of doing the work, met her partner at a coffee shop when he held the door open for her. They've been together since 2017.

And a note for the men listening: conscious men who do personal growth work stand out! There are fewer of you than you think, and it matters.

If you've been working toward something for a long time and the question keeps arising — is this ever gonna happen for me? — this one's for you.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Violet's summer group program, with which I'm involved: The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — 12 weeks of shadow work (constellations), polarity practice, embodiment, and live dares. Open to men, women, non-binary folks, singles and couples. Starting June. Enrollment open now at www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• DM 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? -- Violet covers the jade egg and other modalities that can help a woman overcome sexual trauma and go from not wanting sex to feeling back in her sexy, radiant power (whether she's partnered or not)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I had never masturbated until I was 27."
• “I had to decide whether I was going to lean in and keep going, or give up.”
• “When I was trying to find my beloved, I was with someone who looked great on paper, but who wasn’t right.”
• "Your past doesn't have to dictate your future — but you have to call yourself in."
• "The longings on our hearts are sacred."
• "Love is an art, and it's meant to be practiced."
• “I had to give myself permission to have crazy-ass fantasies!”
• “When I invest in what I want, big shifts happen.”
• “There’s something that is calling me forward.”

She used to want it. Now she doesn't. And you're not sure if it's you, the kids, the stress — or something that's quietly shifted inside her.

A lot of the time, it's her hormones. Specifically, perimenopause or menopause.

Here's what most people don't know: perimenopause doesn't start at 45 years old. Dr. Debra Durst — an MD who left traditional medicine to specialize in hormone optimization and sexual wellness — is seeing it in women in their 30s, and sometimes even their 20s.

And the first hormones to drop aren't estrogen -- they're progesterone and testosterone. Which means your partner may be dealing with sleep disruption, anxiety, a shorter fuse, brain fog, low libido, and body composition changes — while her doctor keeps saying her labs look "normal."

Here, Dr. Durst breaks down what perimenopause actually is (it can last a decade or more), why most gynecologists aren't trained to address it, and what comprehensive hormone optimization actually looks like. We get into why testosterone is, surprisingly, the most abundant hormone circulating in a woman's body — and what happens to a couple's sex life when it's properly restored (hint: sometimes you're back to doing it twice a day!).

Plus, we talk about solutions to dryness. There are now cutting-edge tissue regeneration treatments — laser rejuvenation and PRP O-Shots — that can bring arousal, sensitivity, and orgasmic strength back after menopause causes physical changes. And we talk about why Dr. Durst's office coined the phrase "no man left behind" — because when a woman gets optimized, her husband sometimes can't keep up. ;)

If your partner has gone quiet in the bedroom and you don't know why — or she's been told everything looks fine but something clearly isn't — this one's for you. And if she's listening: this one's for you, too.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dr. Debra Durst's practice: RevitalizeMD — https://www.revitalyzemd.com — also does remote consultations
• SexMD Podcast and Dr. Debra Durst on YouTube
• A4M (Anti-Aging Academy) provider directory: A4M.com — search by zip code to find a hormone specialist near you
• O-Shot and P-Shot official provider directories (oshot.info/members/directory/; https://pshot.info/homepage/)
• GAINSWave provider network — for men's sexual wellness (https://gainswave.com/directory/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "If you don't feel like yourself, then you need to start thinking hormones."
• "Progesterone is your feel-good hormone — sleep and mood, if I was to simplify it."
• "Leaving problems unaddressed is not sustainable for couples."
• "These women get tearful because it's the first time they felt like they actually were listened to."
• "When we get you optimized, he won't be able to keep up."
• "No man left behind."
• "A lot of men will say, 'I didn't know I had an issue until you optimized her.'"
• "Women on testosterone — it is life-changing."
• "Sex does not have to be different if you don't want it to be."
• "I want my life back. My sex life back."

It’s one of the top questions in Dr. Kelly’s men’s health practice. 

And it’s not just coming from older men — it’s guys in their 20s and 30s. We're talking 27-year-old chiseled Marine sergeants walking in saying, "I can't get motivated. I rarely wake up with erections anymore. I haven't had sex with my girlfriend in two weeks." And their buddies are reporting the same thing.

It's not all in their heads, either. According to Dr. Kelly, the average 22-year-old man today often has the testosterone of a 70-year-old. 

And get this: This is a global trend.

Here, Dr. Kelly takes us through the data, including a 2025 meta-analysis of over a million men, which shows roughly a 50% drop in average T since the 1970s. We talk through what’s behind this insanely precipitous drop, as well as what a man can do about it. 

Plus, we cover why just reaching for a vial of testosterone isn't the move most men think it is. Spoiler: exogenous T can shut down your natural production, shrink your testicles, and tank your fertility.

We also get into a success story where a patient went from a testosterone level of 400 to 650 in just 12 weeks, and how he blew Kelly away with his transformation (or as she put it, “When he walked in it was like, ‘Who the f*** is this guy?”). Plus a frank word on what Western medicine has become, and the "free testosterone check" clinics she wants you to be careful of.

If you've ever wondered about your testosterone levels and whether they might be low, or your drive has quietly gone missing and you don't know why — this one's for you.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dr. Kelly Morgan's practice: morganmenshealth.com — free intro men's health webinar in May, 4-part series in June

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Your 22-year-old today often has the testosterone of a 70-year-old in the 1970s."
• "It's your get up and go anything. And it's your get up and get your dick up."
• "There's actually no food in the grocery store anymore."
• "We doctors have become body mechanics to the nth degree. We're not healers anymore. We are mechanics employed by large corporations."
• "We're an I-want-it-now generation."
• "These are all things all men can be doing on their own."
• "Every aspect of your life improves when you have community."
• "My libido's back!"
• "Oh my god, my dick works again!"