I am the host of your own personal afterlife but I also have my own stuff going on. It&#39;s not all about you.

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/10/31/0/44846d0e-518b-43a4-beda-094f403179ae_accidental_rat_baptism.mp3

This Halloween I&#39;m going as the scariest thing of all: the predictable consequences of my own actions.

Accidental Rat Baptism

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/10/17/17/129e65c6-a5e6-4ee3-91e9-e3cd56dd1f09_angry_and_pregnant.mp3

Back in the day, they called them &#34;podcasts&#34; because they came out of disgusting, puss-filled pods that fell from outer space. Then the iPod came out and it was much easier to get them that way.

Angry and Pregnant

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/9/11/0/89d32a84-7ab6-4f3a-b6f1-adb94ec5dd9a_ive_me__200_so_i_stop_kicking_you_in_the_balls.mp3

Time travelers from the future keep showing up at my house to prevent me from releasing this episode, saying it destroys podcasting as a medium because it can’t be perfected beyond this point. Too bad.

Give Me $200 So I Stop Kicking You in the Balls

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/9/1/0/963cf888-19ba-48f3-95e6-19f1fd47eeb3_emotional_support_continent.mp3

This podcast is Too Cool For School (It flunked out for being tardy every week)

Emotional Support Continent

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/8/22/5/238bed1b-cf10-433b-8ce0-e6e9db6c3988_pizza_carmichael.mp3

*flicks a cigarette at you in a cool way to get your attention* Hey kid. Ever heard of a podcast?

Pizza Carmichael

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/8/15/19/61af2059-5edf-40b3-97e5-5bd7ef940a37_grazemaxxing.mp3

I just now realized everyone can see these episodes and listen to them. I need to go make some calls.

Grazemaxxing

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/8/11/1/23a596d5-76af-4069-b464-c36161b842c2_artifical_garfield_intelligence.mp3

If you&#39;re looking for the bathroom you came to the wrong place. This is a podcast. It&#39;s not a physical location. Yeah, no baby changing station either. That doesn&#39;t even make sense.

Artificial Garfield Intelligence

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/8/4/3/34986c57-0e28-47ce-bb9a-73c849ddaf66_leg_garbage.mp3

This episode is actually encoded with a secret message intended for spies in the field, so it’s not supposed to make sense. If you listen to it and actually enjoy it that’s just a coincidence.

Leg Garbage

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/7/26/3/3cf1f6e1-e1e2-472e-b5d6-e1a0464d8a1d_the_hungry_attorney.mp3

Everyone who listens to this podcast gets into heaven. We have our own little commune there. It actually sucks.

The Hungry Attorney

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/7/17/0/58d8691e-c002-4a69-ae5c-46c72bc2269c_they_re_remaking_frog_in_a_bog.mp3

Podcasts these days are so small they fit right in your phone. Back in my day you had to know a guy with a truck and have him haul one to your house.

They're Remaking Frog In a Bog

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/7/8/3/4ce79860-e5cc-4598-9388-c2edebc72bfe_it_s_because_of_lunch_law.mp3

I&#39;m still trying to figure out when this airs in Mountain Time. TV Guide&#39;s giving me nothing.

It's Because of Lunch Law

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/6/27/21/058346d2-3fe1-48e9-817f-9118531d4b05_lithuanian_elvis.mp3

AI tried to ingest this episode but it made it sick and now the tech dystopia takeover is cancelled. I definitely meant to do that.

Lithuanian Elvis

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/6/20/18/2fc6d5e7-d832-4ef5-89b1-9de02c7e9949_schrodinger_s_racist.mp3

Back in the early days of this podcast, you had to listen to it through a cup attached to a string that was hidden deep in a remote forest or have it whispered to you from a disembodied voice coming out of a sewer grate. Kids have no idea how easy they have it these days.

Schrödinger's Racist

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/6/15/3/c4c39715-556a-4a05-b036-69fd0209669c_minutes_o_houlihan.mp3

The focus groups said this version of the episode was marginally better than my other idea which was to pretend to fall asleep until people stop listening and leave me alone.

Minutes O'Houlihan

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/6/6/17/ddeb0c26-12d9-4af5-bf6c-4f2cfd86de90_i_would_sit_on_a_peanut.mp3

I can&#39;t be sued for libel or slander because this episode was recorded while standing in a puddle and therefore falls under maritime law.

I Would Sit On a Peanut Right Now

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/6/1/20/d88e9a5c-003e-40fd-8e52-22ae07e7183f_the_money_numbers.mp3

Purgatory Podcast Tip #41: Collect blue coins to earn 10 points. Points can be used to upgrade your weapons and armor to defeat the podcast.

The Money Numbers

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/5/23/20/a86ad6e0-7706-4f52-ac4b-e66ff8d761f1_indisputably_lunch.mp3

This Memorial Day, don&#39;t forget those who laid down their lives in the Storage Wars.

Indisputably Lunch

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/5/18/3/6913f622-a57e-4119-8404-02e1c205dc6c_succumbed_to_the_crumbs.mp3

Listen to this entire episode at .005x speed to unlock the &#34;Slow and Steady Wins the Race&#34; Achievement.

Succumbed to the Crumbs

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/5/5/3/78d8b507-d8ce-46c3-898c-71df9dd98f97_i_could_be_way_more_incredibly_chinese.mp3

This episode is available in Senso-Surround 16.1 format which requires a specialized machine that shorts out all the fuses in your house and makes you have weird nightmares if you sleep too close to it.

I Could Always Be Way More Incredibly Chinese

https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/pod-public-media-files/2026/4/25/0/74bc0515-4340-4652-b209-7c72d468e21b_parking_lot_parrots.mp3

This week&#39;s episode description is brought to you by the Ghoul of Eerie Silence, who would like to say:

Parking Lot Parrots

I am the host of your own personal afterlife but I also have my own stuff going on. It's not all about you.