In the last episode of season 6 on B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris talk about letting go of perfection when practicing relationship anarchy. 

Episode Highlights include: our annoyance with the expression “just friends;” bears, butterflies, oh my - meadows as a metaphor; government as invasive species; pushing against perfection; RA support networks; no gold standard, rants about insurance and other systems, mindfulness, and reflections on who you would save if they were drowning. We will be back with more episodes sometime in 2024. Happy New Year!

Meanwhile, here’s the Surgeon General’s Report on Loneliness – we hope that you feel connected and loved. Because we bet you are. More than you know.

In this episode of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris talk about who and how they share their relationship structure with others. In our conversation, we revisit many Relationship Anarchy principles including core relationship values, customizing commitments and practices, and love is abundant (but time is limited). 

Episode highlights include: Who you’re allowed to grieve about at work (bereavement policies), holiday parties, smooch buddies, entitlement, activism vs energy protection, reframing terminology, risk assessment, and our value in the zombie apocalypse. If you know the plural of “squish,” please let us know!

In this episode of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris talk about the connection between Relationship Anarchy and asexuality (experiencing little to no sexual attraction) and/or aromanticism (experiencing little to no romantic attraction). We bust some stigma while advocating for more freedom to form the kinds of relationships we want. 

Episode highlights include: Dr. Kris’ identity crisis, “consummating” marriage, queerplatonic relationships, “bumping uglies,” a brief foray into our critiques of the prison industrial complex, and, yet again, we return to our wish to radically transform K-12 sexuality education. We also fantasize about a conversation between Andie Nordgren and Angela Chen — SWOON.

If you want to go beyond the surface we barely scratched, check out these resources:

Asexual Visibility and Education Network: https://asexuality.org/ 

Angela Chen’s book, Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex  https://www.angelachen.org/ace

In this episode of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris explore what compromise looks like in relationship anarchy, and how “anarchy” and “compromise” are more aligned than it may first appear.

Episode highlights include: ”Real” anarchy vs CHiPs, a brief reflection on the Punk scene, the proverbial lobster in the boiling pot, sushi vs bento boxes, John Gottman’s stonewalling, noticing patterns in compromising, compromise vs. sacrifice, and letting go of partners as “matched sets.”

For more on Gottman’s concept of stonewalling and why it’s not a great relationship characteristic, read this: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/

In this episode of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris explore the loneliness epidemic and consider how ditching the escalator and embracing relationship anarchy might help us feel more connected.

Episode highlights include: Sweeping reflection on recent research on loneliness, societal structures, and pressure to conform to the heteronormative escalator– we went big, folks. We also talked about practical suggestions on finding and valuing friendships, awkward friend date requests, pros and cons of working from home, the culture of “busy,” and CSI (both the TV show and the Centre for Social Innovation). Of course we heard more about the magic of the karaoke community, too. 

We promise, we get hopeful in there.

Towards the end of the episode, Dr. Kris references (incorrectly) a recent study on the number of people who will be single “in the not too distant future.” That stat is actually that Morgan Stanley Research estimates that 45% of females will be single by the year 2030. Here’s the link: https://www.morganstanley.com/ideas/womens-impact-on-the-economy (Note: To the term “SHEconomy” we say “Ew.”).

In this episode of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris explore the relationship escalator rules and ways we may already be breaking them as we unknowingly embrace some relationship anarchy principles.

Episode highlights include a Relationship Escalator tutorial, cuddle puddles, “parenting is hard,” supporting each other when we’re sick, annoyance at patriarchy and capitalism, the ridiculousness of striving for static relationship structures, CB radios, gestures of care and connection, “first date”-like nervousness around asking people to vacation with you, and imagining and practicing deep, rich supportive connections.

Here are the Relationship Escalator steps we outline at the start of the podcast:

https://offescalator.com/what-escalator/

And here’s that New York Times article, “We Needed More Significant Others,” Dr. Kris referenced: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/08/style/modern-love-we-needed-more-significant-others.html

In this episode of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris explore infidelity and how that concept takes on a different light when exploring it through Relationship Anarchy. We talk about our past experiences with “cheating” and current practices in our new emotional connections.

Episode highlights include: Emotional vs. sexual cheating, Stranger Things infidelity, societal and familial messages about cheating, conversations we need to have, heteronormativity (ugh), questioning “is there a penis in the room?” and the shitty life of academics and writing dissertations.

In this episode of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris talk about talking! In other words, we focus on several real world examples, including our own, of navigating communication in relationship anarchy.

Episode highlights include: Feeling seen, dating non-relationship anarchists, coping with misalignment in communication needs and wants, defining Kitchen Table polyamory, some differences between polyamory and relationship anarchy, time pie, and compersion and jealousy

In this episode of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris talk about the process of shifting relationships from romantic and sexual to platonic and back again. 

Episode highlights include: breaking up vs changing dynamics, bobbing seals and whiskey, (re)negotiating time together, Kitchen Table polyamory, Comet Relationships, jealousy, “just” friends, and right-sized bites.

Sorry if you get a little lost following some of these relationships we were describing! Relationships can be complicated and while that can be magical it can also be confusing whether you are living it or listening to it.

In the first episode of Season 6 of B4USwipe, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Kris build on Season 5’s overanalysis of Relationship Anarchy by talking about deep friendships. They start with their own decade plus long friendship and consider other relationships as well.

Episode highlights include: How Dr. Kris and Dr. Lauren became friends, believing in brain science, FOMO, check-ins, friendships and blood pressure, recognizing trusted sources of safety, constellations of support, and family modeling.

Oh! And we apologize in advance for the weird sound glitch 18 minutes in. Oopsie.

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris discuss the last of the nine principles of relationship anarchy. 

Principle 9: “Build for the Lovely Unexpected.”

Episode highlights include: contented sighs, life giving relationships, what happens when you hit the top of the relationship escalator, empty nesting, mindfulness, dirty countertop resentment, sleepovers and vacations with friends, existing in a world of shoulds, performance reviews, and unicorns and gummy bears.

Overall, we think this principle is “lovely” - where the other principles help us think about how to do relationship anarchy, this one captures its essence. Exploration, spontaneity, and organizing on wishes… we love it.

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris continue discussing the nine principles of relationship anarchy. 

Principle 8: “Trust is Better”

Episode highlights include: Kris’s love of the word “penultimate” and Lauren’s dislike of the phrase “quickly forgiven,” PolySecure and attachment theory, interdependence vs codependency, remembering “it’s not always about you,” adopting trust “safe words,” wheel of consent, and Rubik's cubes.

Overall, we recognize that trust can be hard, has to be earned, AND agree that, when it’s there, it makes loving relationships better.

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris continue discussing the nine principles of relationship anarchy. 

Principle 7: “Customize your commitments.”

Episode highlights include: Learning from COVID pods; singing, cooking, and writing as acts of intimacy; networks of care and support; revisiting the relationship escalator and breaking cultural scripts; and how to not use relationship anarchy as an excuse to be an asshole.

Overall, in the words of Dr. Lauren, this principle “feels like liberation on a page.” Even for our cynical asses, this principle inspires hope and possibility for all of our safety and well-being.

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris continue discussing the nine principles of relationship anarchy. 

Principle 6: "Love and respect instead of entitlement."

Episode highlights include: controlling behavior, fuck coercive control and abuse dynamics; cookie cutters, molds, glowing orbs and seeds of growth - basically Lauren dumping a bunch of metaphors; being socialized to put our needs last; chimeras and minotaurs; cherishing each others’ pasts and passions; and celebrating our overlaps and our differences.  

Overall, we think it is beautiful to honor ourselves and the other people in our lives. Let’s encourage each other to be who we are and find our individual paths. There was a LOT to unpack in this principle and we had a good time just getting started.

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris continue discussing the nine principles of relationship anarchy. 

Principle 5: "Change through communication"

Episode Highlights include: 

Negotiating a pizza order, how societal and internal scripts guide our behaviors, being proactive rather than reactive in communication, sexual inventory lists, the constant of change, teaching communication skills in sex ed, moving from two to three or more, and shifting from “we have to talk” to “we get to talk.”

Overall, we had a great time communicating about communication. It’s such an important and challenging topic.

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris continue discussing the nine principles of relationship anarchy.

Principle 4: “Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you”

Episode Highlights include: 

The Relationship Escalator; challenging the concept of “failed” relationships; fear, judgment and pressure to conform; choosing who gets to know your relationship values and goals; navigating jealousy and insecurity; and learning from queers and small towns. 

Overall, while we questioned using such a big word in a small title (heterosexism, really?), we think it’s essential to acknowledge societal pressures and the fear they can create, and identify strategies for staying true to ourselves.

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris continue discussing the nine principles of relationship anarchy. 

Principle 3: Imagine it and Practice, Practice, Practice (originally “Fake it til’ you make it”)

Episode Highlights include: 

Our arguments against “faking it til you make it;” the magic of support in a Karaoke family; caterpillars and phoenixes; how resisting norms is slow and hard; making space to reflect, imagine, and stay over your center; and the importance of support, including your own self-compassion. Shout outs to Alok Vaid-Menon and adrienne maree brown’s wisdom. 

Overall, while we aren’t fans of the title, we think this principle provides a gentle invitation to think about how you will bring your values to life across your relationships. 

Don’t mind our arrogance at changing the title of the principle. Hope you like the rewrite as much as we do!

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris continue discussing the nine principles of relationship anarchy. 

Principle 2: “Find your core set of relationship values.”

Episode Highlights include:

Proposing a K-12 sex ed revolution; developing self-awareness of what matters inside and outside of relationships; a debate over what counts as “core;” and recognizing that while we can’t always choose or control who we are tied to, we deserve to seek out the kinds of relationships we want.

Overall, we think this principle is foundational to all healthy relationships. We all deserve to define our values and goals, and allow them evolve over time.

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris begin their adventure discussing each of the nine principles of relationship anarchy. 

Principle 1: “Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.”

Episode Highlights include: Cherishing friendships as sacred relationships, navigating love as pie and relationships as check boxes, letting go of “the one,” reconsidering relationship hierarchies.

Overall, we love this principle and everything it stands for. We encourage you to celebrate all the unique ways love shows up in your lives. And while we don’t endorse ranking relationships. it’s okay to play favorites with your pies. Kris says, “Fuck blueberry. Cooked blueberries make me sad.”

In this episode of B4U Swipe, Dr Lauren and Dr. Kris preview how they are going to change things up this season and talk about relationship anarchy!

Episode highlights include: How we’re switching up the podcast and why, our annoyances with how relationships beyond monogamous partnerships are addressed in the media and society, a brief introduction to relationship anarchy, and a recognition of our lenses and biases. Overall, we hope you are as excited about this switch as we are. 

Library Highlights informing our Conversations (Not an exhaustive list!):

• bell hooks (e.g., All about Love) 
• adrienne maree brown (e.g., Emergent Strategy; Pleasure Activism)
• Alok Vaid-Menon, (e.g., Beyond the Gender Binary)
• Esther Perel, (e.g., Mating in Captivity)
• Angela Chen, (e.g., ACE, What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex) 
• Jessica Fern, (e.g., Polysecure)
• Dean Spade, (e.g., Mutual Aid)
• Faith Harper, (e.g., Unf*ck your Boundaries)
• Kim Tallbear (e.g., The Critical Polyamorist)