013 — The Beginning of the End
Content note: Contains discussion of suicidal thoughts, severe emotional distress, and past thoughts of violence.
November fourth. Rain falling over an Etobicoke parking lot, the evening already black, and I've found an old appointment in my calendar bearing a rather dreadful title. The Beginning of the End. Extraordinary how a few words, left there by some former incarnation of yourself, can reach across the years and take hold of you again.
I've been remembering a day by the lake, a restaurant full of strangers, and the strange loneliness of finding yourself in a world that continues celebrating while your own has come to ruin. There are places I can scarcely visit anymore without feeling the weight of what happened there, though I suppose there is something to be said for the endurance of memory, even when it is a miserable companion.
The rain continues, and my thoughts eventually turn toward the great machinery of authority, the strange comforts we take in its rituals, and the possibility that we've mistaken the management of our discontent for something resembling freedom. I've been thinking about that quite a lot.
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