Jephthah is first thrown out of his father’s house to live that Robin Hood lifestyle, then is bribed back with the promise of power when the Israelites really, really need his help to get out of their latest slavery thing. He makes a completely stupid promise to sacrifice the first thing to come out of his house in exchange for victory, apparently forgetting that people who he likes live there. God could probably have prevented that whole thing but he’s still distracted by his kitchen renovations. Then, members of the tribe of Ephraim illustrate the deadly consequences of having a speech impediment. (Judges 11-12)

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Abimelech takes over the city of Shechem with a savvy ad campaign. He then murders his other 69 brothers (nice), leaving only the youngest, an aspiring young spoken-word poet with a thing for tree metaphors. In response to this power grab, Gaal gets drunk and promises to take back the city. He sobers up just in time to get his ass kicked by Abimelech, who in turn has his skull smashed in by a (gasp!) female character. In a shocking turn of events, God draws a line in the sand and refuses to deliver the Israelites from their latest round of slavery, immediately after which he promises to deliver the Israelites from their latest round of slavery. (Judges 9-10)

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Gideon is back this week, and he starts by launching his assault on a camp of Midianites on acid. Too bad that they’re all so scared by his trumpets and torches that they don’t stick around for the rap battle. Gideon’s trip to the drive-through to get his army some snacks doesn’t go well, so he threatens thorny revenge on a very erect tower. Although the Israelites ask him to become their king, he refuses, instead choosing to spend his time cooking in his golden apron and fathering 70 children. (Judges 7:9-8:35)

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As God once again sells the Israelites into slavery, he falls hard for this week’s judge and savior, Gideon. An angel brings Gideon this news and then uses some flaming BBQ to convince him to do some major renovations on his dad’s altar to Baal. But Gideon keeps asking for signs that God is truly on his side. He’s eventually convinced by a soggy fleece. Gideon then gets his army battle-ready by telling the scaredy-cats to go home and making the rest drink water doggy-style. (Judges 6:1-7:8)

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Once again, the Israelites have gotten their sorry idol-worshipping asses sold to another nation as punishment. But this time, they’re saved by women! First, Deborah the prophetess shoves a reluctant Israelite commander onto the battlefield to fight the Canaanite army, headed by a testosterone junkie named Sisera. Sisera escapes from the battle and seeks refuge with Jael, who first screws up his drink order and then stabs him through the head. We wrap up with a weird musical number about Sisera’s mom. (Judges 4-5)

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The Holy Bible Show pivots to its new Kings of Canaan spin-off and wastes no time before launching into more battles, cryogenically frozen legacy characters, and lots of weird names! Even the angel is back as the Israelites deal with the remnants of the land’s inhabitants (who probably are actually rock people) and with their own absolutely insatiable desire to serve any god but God. In retaliation, God repeatedly sells them into slavery and then sends judges to violently redeem them, leading to lots of bad Yelp reviews and at least one very gruesome stabbing. (Judges 1-3)

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In this last episode of Holy Bible: Joshua, the east-Jordan tribes sweet-talk their way out of a war after they put up an unauthorized franchise location for sacrifices. Joshua takes a leaf out of his former boss’s book, giving a rambling retirement speech that strategically leaves out some of God’s less sensible decisions. Joshua then dies and is buried on yet another badly-named mountain. We also say a tearful (and hopefully not permanent) farewell to everyone’s favorite undead character. (Joshua 22-24)

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We open this week with a digitally aged Joshua handing out bits of Canaan to the tribes by lot (but not by Lot). Caleb returns to claim a special inheritance, which he conquers by yelling, using his walking stick, and marrying off his daughter. Joshua then settles down for a well-earned retirement, only to be immediately interrupted by God and asked to do some more work. (Joshua 13-21)

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It’s wall-to-wall battle sequences in this week’s episode, as the Israelites absolutely kick the asses of all of the nations in Canaan, with a very smug-looking Joshua leading their marching chants. The one exception to the slaughter are the Gibeonites, who put on some Groucho Marx glasses and broken sandals to get the Israelites to enslave them rather than kill them. Joshua sweet-talks God into helping him even out his tan and then commits a series of war crimes against both people and horses. But has anyone seen that angel? (Joshua 9-12)

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Joshua starts his campaign of conquering Canaan by making sure his priests get their steps in, as they walk around the city of Jericho for six days. On the seventh day, the Israelites unleash a surprising aural attack and completely destroy the city. One soldier succumbs to temptation and takes some fashionable but idolatrous contraband, leading God to sabotage the Israelites’ next battle. But all is well after the culprit is found, stoned to death, and then burned, along with his entire family. Joshua and the Israelites then run a cool sneak attack on the city of Ai, showing off the skills they learned at soccer camp. (Joshua 6-8)

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The Joshua spinoff series kicks off in a big way! Joshua sends out two spies to get to know the lay of the land, and they interpret his instructions to mean that they should get laid on the land. Then the rest of the Israelites finally follow their Levite tour guides into Canaan by crossing the Jordan River, which looks suspiciously like the Red Sea. But before actually attacking any of the Canaanite cities, they have to stop to help Joshua create a finicky rock sculpture and have all of their foreskins removed. (Joshua 1-5)

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In this very special episode, Marcus and Deanna summarize all of Season 5, review the entire series, and also break down all of the mischief and mayhem of the first-ever Holy Bible Convention! Which character is getting their very own spinoff series? What has Marcus been keeping in his suitcase? Who would win the Holy Bible Hunger Games? We answer all of those questions, plus reveal the weirdest names of both the season and the series!

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This season and series finale features the most long-awaited death scene ever! But first, Moses just has to give one final speech. He individually blesses all 12 tribes of Israel – well, almost all 12 – with heavy sandals, baby lions, toxic masculinity, and an encouragement to fight dirty. Moses then ascends to yet another badly named mountain and is just starting to enjoy the vista when God finally punches his ticket and buries him in an unmarked grave. (Deuteronomy 33:1-34:12)

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Dust off your cowboy hats, warm up your accordion, and get ready to swing – it’s a musical episode! Moses opens his final song with a catchy banjo tune, then yields the stage to an operatic performance from Joshua. We also hear from a crowd favorite timbral band, Zipporah and her two sons, and a very special musical guest star! Not to be outdone, God himself takes the stage with an 80s-inspired banger before reminding Moses that now it’s really, really time for him to go die on Mount Nebo. (Deuteronomy 32:1-52)

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Moses tells the assembled crowd that their relationship with God is totally exclusive, whether they like it or not – and it’s going to involve open-heart surgery, whether they like it or not! He then announces that it’s his birthday, and because he can’t “go out and come in” like he used to (ahem), he’s officially going to pass the torch to Joshua. At the inauguration ceremony, God springs one last surprise on Moses: He has to write a catchy banjo tune to finally help the Israelites remember that God will smite all of their sorry asses if they worship other gods. (Deuteronomy 29:9-31:30)

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God continues quizzing Moses, starting with a set of laws that combine food taxes with storytelling. But when a crowd gathers outside and demands a few last words of wisdom from their favorite prophet, Moses obliges with gusto. He first encourages them to cover a set of public monuments with graffiti, then lists out a horrifying set of consequences that will ensue if they don’t follow all of God’s laws. But if the Israelites do manage to get it right, not only will they avoid mildew, leg boils, and cannibalism, they’ll also get some truly divine baskets! (Deuteronomy 26:1-29:8)

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God himself drops by Moses’s house to give him a pop quiz about some laws, a surprising number of which involve stoning children, destroying other nations, and keeping oxen and donkeys away from each other. God also reminisces about this crazy house party he had one time, which apparently involved adulterous people falling off the roof and women having their hands cut off for grabbing his junk. At least we finally find out what circumcision is for! (Deuteronomy 21:10–25:19)

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Moses gets by with a little help from his friends in this episode, as Joshua, Caleb, and Mummy Joseph drop by to check on everyone’s favorite doomed prophet. Moses takes the opportunity to spew out a few more laws (among other things), reminding everyone that they need to stop all the soothsaying and horse trading and start killing every living thing in Canaan. All is going swimmingly until Moses forgets to include Joshua in his plan of succession. (Deuteronomy 16:18–21:9)

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Another episode, another drunken litany of reminders from Moses. As he shuffles home after the party, he talks about a blessing MacGuffin, burn books, and God’s very important convenience store – and don’t forget to bring God some gaudy trinkets when you visit! Along the way, the Israelites absolutely cannot eat any camels or show the slightest interest in investigating non-God religions. They can, however, elect to have their ears nailed to a door if they’d like to remain enslaved after 7 years. (Deuteronomy 11:26–16:17)

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Moses somehow increases the pace on his rapid-fire carrot-and-stick reminders – one moment he’s waxing poetic about an awesome new theme park in Canaan, and the next moment he’s threatening to release a swarm of hornets if the Israelites don’t do as God says. While berating the head of the Hebrew Complaint Brigade, Moses describes a special kind of circumcision that may stop their complaining for good. As part of this tirade, Moses drops the bombshell that God doesn’t actually like the Israelites all that much and has never gotten over the whole golden calf thing. (Deuteronomy 7:12–11:25)

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