"Fridge Light Revealed to Be Only Source of Man’s Happiness"

In a startling revelation that has left both psychologists and appliance manufacturers baffled, local man Darren Mills has admitted that the glow of his refrigerator light is the only source of joy in his life.

According to Mills, 34, he discovered this accidentally during a midnight snack run. “I opened the fridge at 2 a.m., and it was like the universe itself was saying, ‘Hey buddy, here’s a little bit of hope,’” Mills explained while standing in front of the fridge with the door cracked open just enough to bathe his face in its fluorescent glow. “It’s warm, but not too warm. Cold, but not too cold. Just… perfect.”