What happens when couples step away from everyday life and realize they're not alone in their struggles? In this episode, EJ and Tarah Kerwin reflect on their first Grounded in Love retreat in Sedona, sharing how vulnerability, emotional safety, and meaningful connection helped couples reconnect and why the real work of staying connected continues long after the retreat ends.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why stepping away from everyday responsibilities creates space for deeper connection
• How old relationship patterns can follow couples into new environments
• What EJ and Tarah learned from their own difficult moment during the retreat
• Why taking accountability and practicing repair strengthen emotional safety
• How shared relationship struggles can reduce shame and isolation
• The importance of vulnerability and belonging in creating meaningful connections
• Why emotional safety allows couples to feel seen, understood, and supported
• How humor and shared experiences help couples navigate difficult conversations
• The role of intentional preparation, personalized support, and aftercare in relationship growth
• Why small daily moments of connection help sustain progress beyond the retreat

Creating space for connection doesn't mean relationship struggles disappear. Even when couples step away from everyday stress, familiar patterns can still surface, but learning to recognize, repair, and move through those moments together is what strengthens emotional safety.

Growth becomes more powerful when we realize we're not alone in our struggles. Through vulnerability, shared experiences, and intentional time together, couples can rebuild trust, deepen intimacy, and carry meaningful changes into their everyday lives.

Lasting connection isn't created in one moment. It's strengthened through the choices we make every day.

❤️ Your Love Work

This week, set aside 10 intentional minutes to reconnect with your partner.

Put away your phones, unfinished tasks, and everyday distractions.

Ask each other: “Is there anything you need from me today?”

Listen without rushing to fix or solve anything.

Think about one moment when you felt disconnected or distracted from each other.

If something needs repairing, acknowledge your part and make room for understanding.

Share one small action that would help you feel more connected.

Make a commitment to keep showing up for each other, even if it's only for five minutes a day.

Because lasting connection isn't about never struggling, it's about continuing to choose each other through it all.

Interested in the Next Grounded in Love Retreat?

EJ and Tarah are planning another intimate couples retreat designed to help partners reconnect, strengthen emotional safety, and practice healthier ways of navigating their relationships.

If you'd like to learn more or express interest in joining, reach out to:

Email: coaching@relationshiprenovation.com 

Connect with Relationship Renovation:

👉 Apply for coaching here

👥 Men’s Group

📘 Relationship Renovation Book

Website: https://relationshiprenovation.com/ 

Instagram: @relationship_renovation

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

What if the way you protect yourself during conflict is actually pushing your partner away? In this episode, EJ and Tarah Kerwin explore how childhood experiences shape our reactions in adult relationships, why old coping strategies can create emotional distance, and how understanding our younger selves can help rebuild compassion, trust, and emotional safety.

In this episode, we talk about:

• How childhood experiences shape emotional responses in adult relationships
• Why old coping strategies can create distance instead of safety
• The role of attachment patterns and family dynamics in relationship conflict
• How childhood wounds can trigger defensiveness, withdrawal, and emotional overwhelm
• Why partners often react to each other through unresolved childhood experiences
• The hidden emotional costs of repeating protective patterns in relationships
• How understanding family history reveals the roots of recurring conflict
• Why self-awareness and emotional regulation are essential for secure attachment
• How compassion for your younger self can create greater understanding of your partner
• The importance of replacing old survival responses with healthier ways of connecting

The patterns that once protected you as a child may be the same ones creating distance in your relationship today. Shutting down, becoming defensive, or reacting with anger can be deeply learned responses that surface when something feels threatening, even with a loving partner.

Healing begins when you understand where those reactions come from rather than simply trying to stop them. By recognizing your younger self's protective patterns and taking responsibility for how you respond today, you can create more compassion, emotional safety, and meaningful connection.

You can't change your childhood, but you can change how you show up in love today.

❤️ Your Love Work

This week, take a moment to reflect on the younger version of yourself and how you learned to handle difficult emotions.

Ask yourself: “What did I learn to do when things felt uncertain or scary as a child?”

Did you withdraw, become anxious, try to please others, or protect yourself through anger?

Then consider: “What would I like my partner to understand about how I learned to cope?”

Share your answers with each other when you both feel ready.

Listen with curiosity and compassion instead of trying to defend or fix anything.

Notice where those same childhood patterns may still appear in your relationship today.

Ask: “What would I like my partner to understand about how I learned to protect myself?”

Because healing isn't about erasing your younger self. It's about learning to respond with the awareness and love you have today.

Connect with Relationship Renovation:

👉 Apply for coaching here

👥 Men’s Group

📘 Relationship Renovation Book

Website: https://relationshiprenovation.com/ 

Instagram: @relationship_renovation

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

What if anxiety isn't the enemy, but your body's way of telling you something needs attention? In this episode, EJ and Tarah sit down with Dr. Nicole Cain, author of Panic Proof, to explore how anxiety affects relationships, why it can show up as anger, and how understanding your body's signals can help rebuild emotional safety and connection.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why anxiety can be a protective response rather than the enemy
• How childhood experiences and unresolved trauma shape anxiety
• Dr. Nicole Cain's nine types of anxiety and their different symptoms
• The connection between anxiety, physical health, and the nervous system
• Why anxiety can appear as anger, irritability, or emotional shutdown
• How anxiety affects communication, conflict, and emotional safety in relationships
• The importance of empathy and understanding when supporting an anxious partner
• Grounding techniques using temperature, touch, scent, and sensory awareness
• Recognizing early warning signs through body awareness and the stoplight system
• Building emotional resilience through acceptance and gradually facing discomfort

Anxiety isn't always the problem. Sometimes, it's a signal that something deeper needs attention. Instead of immediately trying to silence uncomfortable feelings, learning to recognize what your body is communicating can create opportunities for understanding and healing.

When anxiety shows up as anger, withdrawal, or panic, partners can easily misunderstand each other's reactions. Real connection begins when we replace judgment with curiosity, learn to regulate ourselves, and support each other through difficult emotions.

You don't have to eliminate discomfort to feel safe. Sometimes, healing begins when you learn how to move through it.

❤️ Your Love Work

The next time anxiety or anger shows up during a difficult conversation with your partner, pause and ask:

“What is my body trying to tell me right now?”

Notice the tension, racing thoughts, or physical sensations underneath your reaction.

Instead of immediately defending yourself or trying to fix your partner, ask:

“What would help us feel safe and supported in this moment?”

Try a small grounding practice together, whether it's taking a break, holding something warm, or simply sitting quietly.

Give yourselves permission to settle before returning to the conversation.

Remember, you don't have to solve the conflict while your nervous systems are overwhelmed.

Sometimes the most meaningful repair begins when you stop fighting the feeling and start understanding what's underneath it.

Connect with Dr. Nicole Cain:

Website: https://drnicolecain.com/ 

Book (Panic Proof): https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/737883/panic-proof-by-dr-nicole-cain/?kuid=18736b43-f687-4328-9727-cc8e0b05f4f3-1793667113&kref=https%3A%2F%2Fdrnicolecain.com%2F   

Free Resource (9 Types of Anxiety Quiz): https://drnicolecain.com/anxiety-quiz/

Connect with Relationship Renovation:

👉 Apply for coaching here

👥 Men’s Group

📘 Relationship Renovation Book

Website: https://relationshiprenovation.com/ 

Instagram: @relationship_renovation

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

What happens when you finally make time for each other, only to walk away feeling more disconnected than before? In this episode, EJ and Tarah Kerwin share a date night that went sideways and explore how unspoken expectations and different emotional needs can turn quality time into frustration. Learn how to make space for both partners' needs and turn moments together into meaningful connection.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why spending quality time together doesn't always create emotional connection
• How different expectations can turn date nights into disappointment
• Why understanding each partner's emotional needs matters more than simply making time
• How unspoken needs and assumptions create frustration and disconnection
• The difference between wanting to dream together and needing to escape everyday stress
• Why communicating expectations before spending time together prevents misunderstandings
• How to make room for both partners' needs without sacrificing your own
• The importance of setting boundaries around difficult conversations during quality time
• How small daily check-ins can become opportunities for meaningful connection
• Why checking in before, during, and after quality time strengthens emotional safety

Quality time isn't just about being together; it's about feeling connected while you're together. When partners enter the same moment with different needs and unspoken expectations, even the most anticipated time together can leave both feeling disappointed.

Meaningful connection begins with understanding what each person needs. By communicating expectations, making room for differences, and checking in with each other, couples can turn ordinary moments into opportunities for deeper connection and emotional safety.

Connection grows when both partners feel heard, understood, and considered.

❤️ Your Love Work

This week, protect one small window of time to spend with your partner.

Before you begin, take turns completing this sentence:

“What I'm hoping for from this time with you is…”

Listen to each other's answers without immediately trying to solve or change anything.

If your needs are different, ask: “How can we make room for both?”

Agree on what would help each of you feel present and connected.

During your time together, check in and notice how you're both feeling.

Afterward, share one moment when you felt especially close to each other.

Because meaningful quality time isn't about doing everything perfectly. It's about making space for each other.

Connect with Relationship Renovation:

👉 Apply for coaching here

👥 Men’s Group

📘 Relationship Renovation Book

Website: https://relationshiprenovation.com/ 

Instagram: @relationship_renovation

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

What if real strength isn't about having everything figured out, but about being honest, accountable, and willing to grow? In this episode, Tarah sits down with EJ Kerwin to explore the heart behind Men Who Do the Work, a community helping men build emotional courage, deepen meaningful connections, and become more fully the men they want to be.

In this episode, we talk about:

• The inspiration and purpose behind EJ's Men Who Do the Work community
• Why real strength begins with self-awareness, honesty, and accountability
• The Five Commitments: truth, responsibility, teachability, courage, and connection
• How defensiveness and old emotional patterns affect relationships
• Why becoming more emotionally reachable strengthens trust and connection
• How practicing courage helps men express vulnerability and repair relationships
• The importance of receiving feedback without shame or blame
• Why brotherhood and small-group conversations help men overcome emotional isolation
• Moving beyond rigid ideas of masculinity toward healthier emotional expression
• How personal growth translates into everyday actions, stronger relationships, and meaningful change

Real strength isn't about having all the answers or never making mistakes. It's about recognizing your patterns, taking responsibility for your impact, and having the courage to respond differently when old habits take over.

Growth becomes meaningful when it moves beyond self-awareness and into everyday action. Through honesty, teachability, courage, and connection, men can become more emotionally reachable and build healthier relationships with themselves and others.

You don't have to become a better version of yourself alone.

❤️ Your Love Work

The next time you notice yourself withdrawing, becoming defensive, or shutting down, pause.

Ask yourself: “What makes me hard to reach in this moment?”

Notice what you're feeling underneath your reaction.

Then consider: “What am I leaving my partner to guess about me?”

Think about what being 10% more reachable could look like.

Maybe it's expressing a feeling, acknowledging a mistake, or asking for a moment to regroup.

Try saying: “I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I want us to work through this together.”

Remember, being reachable doesn't mean abandoning your boundaries or having every answer.

Sometimes the most meaningful growth begins with one honest moment of connection.

From the Relationship Renovation Catalog

Want to keep building emotional safety in your relationship? Revisit Episode 163, How to Stop Being Defensive in Your Relationship and Build Emotional Safety, and explore how recognizing defensive patterns and responding with greater awareness can help create healthier, more connected relationships.

Listen to the full episode:

• Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/163-how-to-stop-being-defensive-in-your-relationship/id1452940459?i=1000648466184 
• YouTube: https://youtu.be/SZlBrzlaCu8?si=cy6lakfS9c5L8DXO 

Watch this week's featured Short:

https://youtube.com/shorts/Slgice4OLbo?si=PVoUg1RAqGz92bHn 

About Men Who Do the Work

Men Who Do the Work is a guided men's formation community founded by EJ Kerwin, MA, LPC, focused on helping men develop greater self-awareness, personal responsibility, emotional courage, and meaningful connection.

Through small virtual cohorts, honest conversations, and practical reflection, men are encouraged to apply what they're learning to their relationships, fatherhood, friendships, work, and everyday lives.

The community is grounded in five commitments:

1. We Tell the Truth
2. We Take Responsibility
3. We Remain Teachable
4. We Practice Courage
5. We Never Walk Alone

Men Who Do the Work is a coaching and formation community, not psychotherapy.

Learn More

Interested in becoming part of Men Who Do the Work?

EJ is building the next qualified cohort, with timing based on enrollment and fit.

Learn more about the program and start a conversation about whether it's right for you.

Website: https://www.menwhodothework.com 

Email: coaching@relationshiprenovation.com 

Connect with Relationship Renovation:

👉 Apply for coaching here

👥 Men’s Group

📘 Relationship Renovation Book

Website: https://relationshiprenovation.com/ 

Instagram: @relationship_renovation

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

What happens when one partner longs for more sex while the other feels pressured to pull away? In this episode, sex therapist and psychotherapist Brooke Bralove joins EJ and Tarah to explore why differences in sexual desire are normal, how pressure creates distance, and what couples can do to rebuild intimacy, trust, and connection.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why differences in sexual desire are normal in relationships
• How the pursuer-and-distancer cycle creates pressure and disconnection
• How childhood experiences and sexual histories shape desire
• Why temporarily taking intercourse off the table can rebuild safety
• Reconnecting through kissing, affection, and touch without expectations
• The role of masturbation, self-soothing, and sexual autonomy
• Understanding spontaneous versus responsive sexual desire
• How resentment, stress, exhaustion, and emotional burdens affect intimacy
• Reclaiming personal desire through self-care and intentional transitions
• Why empathy, shared responsibility, and emotional safety restore connection

Different levels of sexual desire don't mean something is wrong with your relationship. The real struggle often begins when one partner feels rejected and the other feels pressured, creating a cycle that pushes both further apart.

Rebuilding intimacy requires both partners to take responsibility for their part. When pressure is replaced with empathy, honest communication, and affection without expectations, desire has room to grow again.

Intimacy isn't something one partner owes the other. It's a connection both partners work together to nurture.

❤️ Your Love Work

The next time you notice affection turning into pressure, pause and ask your partner:

“What helps you feel close to me without feeling obligated?”

Choose one small moment of connection, whether it's holding hands, sharing a longer kiss, or simply cuddling.

Agree that it doesn't have to lead to anything more.

If you're feeling rejected, share the hurt underneath your frustration.

If you're feeling pressured, express what would help you feel safe.

Then ask each other: “What's one step we can both take toward each other this week?”

Because rebuilding desire isn't about demanding more intimacy. It's about creating the safety that allows connection to return.

Connect with Brooke Bralove:

Website: https://brookebralove.com/ 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brookebralovepsychotherapy/   

Connect with Relationship Renovation:

👉 Apply for coaching here

👥 Men’s Group

📘 Relationship Renovation Book

Website: https://relationshiprenovation.com/ 

Instagram: @relationship_renovation

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

What if waiting for the perfect moment to tell your partner something is actually creating more distance between you? In this episode, EJ and Tarah Kerwin explore why we avoid difficult conversations, how withholding the truth builds anxiety, and why speaking up sooner can create deeper trust and emotional safety.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why waiting for the perfect moment can become a form of avoidance
• How withholding difficult conversations creates anxiety and emotional distance
• The difference between protecting your partner and protecting yourself from discomfort
• Why emotional safety makes honesty and vulnerability easier
• How withholding information can affect trust and transparency
• The habit of saying “I'm fine” when you're carrying something heavier
• How checking in with your partner creates opportunities for openness
• Why testing assumptions can prevent unnecessary fear and miscommunication
• How practicing difficult conversations builds confidence and connection
• Why telling the truth sooner allows couples to face challenges together

Waiting for the right moment can sometimes be another way of avoiding discomfort. What feels like protecting your partner may actually be protecting yourself from their reaction, while leaving both of you carrying more stress and uncertainty.

Telling the truth faster doesn't mean speaking without care or consideration. It means challenging your assumptions, allowing your partner to respond for themselves, and recognizing that honesty builds emotional safety when you learn to navigate difficult moments together.

Honesty doesn't eliminate discomfort, but it creates the opportunity to face it together.

❤️ Your Love Work

The next time you catch yourself waiting for the perfect moment to speak up, ask your partner:

“Could we tell the truth faster?”

Then explore: “Where do we tend to hold things back, and why?”

Think about something you've been carrying but haven't shared.

Ask yourself: “Am I protecting my partner, or am I avoiding their reaction?”

Instead of assuming how they'll respond, share what you're afraid might happen.

Give each other the opportunity to listen, respond, and work through it together.

Because telling the truth faster isn't about having perfect conversations. It's about learning that you don't have to carry difficult things alone.

Connect with Relationship Renovation:

👉 Apply for coaching here

👥 Men’s Group

📘 Relationship Renovation Book

Website: https://relationshiprenovation.com/ 

Instagram: @relationship_renovation

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

What if porn addiction isn't really about sex, but about escaping stress, loneliness, and shame? In this episode, we sit down with Jeremy Lipkowitz to explore how compulsive pornography use affects trust and intimacy, and why real recovery goes beyond simply stopping the behavior.

In this episode, we talk about:

• How to recognize when pornography use becomes compulsive or harmful
• Why porn addiction is often connected to emotional avoidance rather than sexual desire
• How novelty and unrealistic expectations can affect attraction and intimacy
• The impact of compulsive pornography use on confidence, self-worth, and relationships
• Why shame, secrecy, and isolation can reinforce addictive behaviors
• How easy access to pornography and sexualized online content can strengthen unhealthy patterns
• The difference between sobriety and genuine recovery
• How mindfulness and the RAIN practice create space between cravings and choices
• Why couples need honest conversations about boundaries, values, and broken agreements
• How accountability, emotional awareness, and supportive communities can help restore integrity and connection

Sobriety is not the same as recovery. Simply stopping pornography use doesn't address the loneliness, stress, anxiety, or shame that may be driving the behavior in the first place.

Real recovery begins with understanding those emotions, practicing mindfulness, and learning healthier ways to respond. It's not just about breaking a habit, but about rebuilding honesty, self-respect, and meaningful connection.

Compassion and accountability can exist together.

❤️ Your Love Work

The next time you feel the urge to escape into a habit, pause and ask:

“What am I trying not to feel right now?”

Is it loneliness, stress, anxiety, or shame?

Instead of immediately distracting yourself, try sitting with that feeling.

Recognize it. Allow it. Get curious about it. Respond with compassion.

And if secrecy has created distance in your relationship, ask:

“What would honesty and taking responsibility look like right now?”

Because real recovery isn't just about stopping a behavior.

It's about learning to face discomfort without hiding—and choosing connection over escape.

Connect with Jeremy Lipkowitz:

Unhooked Academy: https://unhookedacademy.com/ 

Unhooked: Breaking Porn Addiction Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unhooked-breaking-porn-addiction-podcast/id1648984850 

Connect with Relationship Renovation:

👉 Apply for coaching here

👥 Men’s Group

📘 Relationship Renovation Book

Website: https://relationshiprenovation.com/ 

Instagram: @relationship_renovation

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and thought:

“If we could just go back and watch the tape, you’d see that I’m right.”

We get it.

Sometimes conflict feels like a bad instant replay review. Who said what? Who promised what? Who forgot? Who is remembering it correctly?

But when every disagreement turns into a battle over whose version of reality is right, couples can get stuck in what we call a:

War of Perspectives.

And once that happens, it is really easy to fall into The Courtroom Trap.

One person starts presenting evidence.

The other starts defending themselves.

Both people are trying to prove their case.

And somewhere along the way, the actual emotional experience underneath the conflict gets lost. 300_War_of_Perspectives_AD_10_4…

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why couples can get trapped arguing over facts instead of understanding each other
• The difference between the content of a conflict and the process underneath it
• Why being technically right does not always move a relationship forward
• How defensiveness can actually be protecting your identity
• Why anxiety, resentment, shame, and old wounds often sit underneath everyday arguments
• How two perspectives can both contain truth without one needing to defeat the other
• Why repeated conflicts are often about much more than the surface issue
• How to recognize when you have entered The Courtroom Trap
• Why curiosity has to come before problem-solving
• How validation can help couples move from opposition back into teamwork
• Why understanding what the argument means can matter more than proving what happened
• How small moments of attunement can rebuild trust and emotional safety

We use one of our own recurring conflicts as an example.

Tarah asks EJ to follow through on something around the house.

It does not get done.

Tarah experiences that as anxiety, mistrust, and a fear that what matters to her is not important.

EJ hears the frustration and immediately starts thinking about everything else he did accomplish.

Why?

Because underneath the disagreement, he is not only defending the task.

He is defending something much deeper:

“I don’t want you to see me as lazy, unreliable, or someone who doesn’t care about you.”

And Tarah is protecting something deeper too:

“I need to know that what matters to me matters to you.” 300_War_of_Perspectives_AD_10_4…

That is where the work really begins.

Not with deciding who wins.

With understanding what each person is protecting.

The Shift

Instead of:

“Let me prove why your version is wrong.”

Try:

“What is this bringing up for you?”

Then listen for what is underneath the facts.

Maybe it is:

• “I feel unimportant.”
• “I feel like I’m failing you.”
• “I feel overwhelmed.”
• “I’m scared this will never change.”
• “I’m afraid you see me as someone I don’t want to be.”

When both people can understand the experience underneath the argument, they can finally return to the actual problem and solve it together.

❤️ Your Love Work

The next time you and your partner start arguing over who said what or who is right, notice whether you are trying to pull out the tape.

Pause and ask:

“Are we trying to understand each other right now, or are we trying to get a ruling?”

Then each person gets to answer one question:

“What is this situation bringing up for me underneath the surface?”

Listen.

Validate.

Then come back to the practical issue.

Because the goal is not to crown the winner of the argument.

Don’t make it about ruling. Make it about connection.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

Therapy language can be incredibly helpful.

Words like attachment style, avoidance, stonewalling, narcissism, and trauma can help us understand patterns that once felt confusing.

But what happens when we start using those words against our partner in the middle of conflict?

In this episode, we respond to a listener who asked about the growing tendency for couples to psychoanalyze each other during arguments.

And we start with something very real from our own relationship:

Tarah has called EJ a narcissist before.

In the moment, it felt completely true to her.

But what she was actually trying to communicate was much more personal:

“It feels like your needs matter more than mine.”

That difference matters.

Because when we say:

“You are a narcissist.”

“You are avoidant.”

“You are a stonewaller.”

“You’re overly sensitive.”

we are no longer simply describing a behavior.

We are telling our partner who they are.

And instead of helping them become more curious or accountable, that often creates shame, defensiveness, anger, and even more distance.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why our brains reach for labels when we feel overwhelmed or uncertain
• When psychological language can actually be useful
• Why diagnosing your partner during conflict usually makes things worse
• The difference between describing a behavior and defining someone’s identity
• How labels can activate shame and insecurity
• Why therapy language can become part of The Courtroom Trap
• How to move from pointing a finger to holding up a mirror
• Why saying “you’re stonewalling” is very different from saying “when you go quiet, I feel alone”
• How labeling your partner can prevent them from understanding what you’re actually hurting about
• Why curiosity creates more emotional safety than analysis
• How to repair after you’ve already thrown out a label

One of the biggest shifts we talk about is this:

Instead of telling your partner what they are, tell them what you are struggling with.

For example:

Instead of:

“You’re stonewalling me.”

Try:

“When you go quiet and pull away, I feel really alone and disconnected from you.”

Instead of:

“You’re so dramatic.”

Try:

“I’m feeling overwhelmed by how intense this feels right now, and I’m not sure how to be there for you.”

That takes more vulnerability.

But it also gives your partner something they can actually respond to.

Because the goal of conflict is not to prove your partner’s diagnosis.

The goal is to understand what is happening between you.

❤️ Your Love Work

The next time you catch yourself wanting to label your partner, pause and ask:

“What am I actually experiencing underneath this label?”

Then try saying that instead.

And if the label already came out, try a repair:

“I just analyzed you. What I probably could have done was tell you what I’m actually feeling. Can I try that again?”

You don’t have to get every hard conversation right the first time.

Sometimes changing the relationship happens when you simply catch the old move—and try a different one.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

Explore couples coaching for support applying these tools to your relationship.

Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

What happens when your partner is hurting—and somewhere along the way, their pain starts making you feel insecure?

In this episode, we unpacked something that happened between us after Tarah had an especially difficult day.

EJ wanted to listen. He wanted to support her. He wanted to give her room to struggle without fixing it.

And for a while, he did.

But as Tarah’s sadness lasted longer and began expanding from “I had a hard day” into “I’m overwhelmed with our life,” something shifted inside EJ.

He stopped simply listening to understand her experience.

He started listening for reassurance.

Are we okay?

Are you happy with our life?

Is this about me?

When are you going to feel better so I can know we’re okay again?

That shift can happen so quietly that neither partner realizes it.

And suddenly the person who was hurting feels pressure to recover more quickly—not because their partner doesn’t care, but because their pain has started activating their partner’s own fear and insecurity.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why it can be difficult to stay emotionally present when your partner’s pain involves you
• How supporting someone can slowly turn into waiting for them to feel better
• Why your partner can be upset with you and your relationship can still be secure
• What happens when we personalize our partner’s suffering
• How emotional capacity affects our ability to remain empathetic and curious
• Why silently disengaging often hurts more than honestly naming that you’re reaching your limit
• How the same dynamic shows up in high-desire/low-desire intimacy struggles
• Why both partners may secretly be waiting for the other person to change before they can finally feel safe
• The importance of making room for both people’s suffering
• Why couples sometimes need to develop compassion for the relationship system, not just compassion for themselves
• How resentment, transitions, parenting, intimacy wounds, and old attachment experiences can accumulate beneath what looks like a surface-level disagreement

One of the biggest ideas we discovered in this conversation was:

Notice when you stop listening to understand and start listening for reassurance.

Because once we begin needing our partner to say the “right” thing so that we can feel secure, curiosity often disappears.

We become defensive.

We try to solve.

We withdraw.

We start waiting for them to get over it.

And the person who originally needed connection can end up feeling even more alone.

This becomes especially complicated when both partners are suffering at the same time.

We talk about this through the lens of intimacy too.

The higher-desire partner may be waiting to hear:

“I want you again.”

The lower-desire partner may be waiting to hear:

“I accept you exactly where you are.”

Both people are hurting.

Both want reassurance.

And both may struggle to truly hear the other person until they feel safe themselves.

Sometimes the first step isn't solving the intimacy problem.

It's creating enough emotional space for each person to say:

“This is what this experience has been like for me.”

And for the other partner to listen without immediately defending their own chair.

❤️ Your Love Work

The next time your partner is sharing something difficult, quietly check in with yourself:

Am I still listening to understand them—or have I started listening for reassurance?

If you notice yourself becoming defensive, scared, depleted, or desperate for them to feel differently, try naming it before you disappear.

You might say:

“I really want to keep hearing you. I’m noticing that I’m starting to feel insecure and personalize some of what you’re saying. I don't want that to turn into defensiveness or make me pull away. I may need a little space, but I want to come back to this with you.”

And when both of you are struggling, try one more question:

“Can we make room for what this has been like for both of us?”

Your partner does not have to stop hurting before your relationship can be secure.

Sometimes emotional safety means learning that pain and love can exist in the same room.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

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Life gets stressful.

Money. Kids. Work. Family. Health. Business. Parenting. The pressure doesn’t disappear just because you love each other.

And here’s the frustrating part:

Your relationship can help you withstand stress—but stress can also reduce your capacity to participate in the relationship.

That’s what we’re talking about in this episode.

Over the years, we’ve lived through twins, a blended family, financial pressure, businesses, intimacy struggles, parenting stress, and a whole lot of moments where it felt like we were simply bracing for whatever came next.

And under stress, we don’t cope the same way.

EJ tends to go inward. He processes privately, tries to solve things on his own, and becomes harder to reach.

Tarah tends to go outward. Anxiety increases, urgency rises, emotions get bigger, and she reaches for connection.

Neither response is intentionally harmful.

But together, they can create a painful cycle:

The way one partner copes with stress can increase the other partner’s stress—and eventually both people can feel alone inside the same relationship.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why stress narrows our emotional capacity
• How our protective coping strategies become stronger under pressure
• Why partners often cope with stress in completely different ways
• How withdrawing to “protect” your partner can actually leave them feeling abandoned
• Why anxiety, urgency, or big emotion can make the other partner retreat even further
• How life stress can slowly turn into relationship stress
• What happens when both partners lose capacity at the same time
• Why couples may process difficult experiences at completely different speeds
• How to remain reachable even when you’re still working through something internally
• Why saying “I don’t have the capacity right now” can be healthier than defensiveness, guilt, or shutting down
• How to set a boundary around your capacity while still communicating love and care

One of the biggest realizations in this conversation was that getting through a hard moment isn’t always the end of the work.

Sometimes one partner has cried, processed, and already feels okay again—while the other is still putting themselves back together days later.

And if we never tell each other what that internal process looks like, we can miss an opportunity to stay connected.

Tarah described that feeling beautifully:

Being “in each other’s care.”

Not fixing each other.

Not carrying everything for each other.

But continuing to pay attention to what your partner is experiencing—even when your own process looks completely different.

Because stress and pressure aren’t going away.

The work is learning how to face them without abandoning each other inside them.

❤️ Your Love Work

Have this conversation during a relatively calm moment:

What happens to me when I’m under a lot of stress?

Do I go inward? Get louder? Become irritable? Start fixing? Withdraw? Get anxious? Shut down?

Then ask each other:

“When we are both stressed, what helps you still feel like we’re facing it together?”

And one more:

“If you don’t have the capacity to be fully present with me in that moment, how can you tell me that in a way that still helps me know you care and you’re coming back?”

You don’t have to process stress the same way.

You do need to learn how to keep finding each other while you’re in it.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

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You love your partner. You want to be there for them. You want to listen, support, and make space for what they’re feeling.

But what happens when their nervous system starts affecting yours?

That’s exactly what happened to us this week.

Tarah was overwhelmed and needed to vent. EJ wanted to be present and supportive. But a few minutes into the conversation, EJ could feel himself reaching his own emotional capacity.

And that led us to a bigger question:

How do you hold space for your partner without disappearing inside their emotions?

In this episode, we explore what we’ve started thinking of as Three Nervous Systems:

Mine. Yours. Ours.

There’s the nervous system of the person who is struggling.

There’s the nervous system of the person trying to support them.

And there’s the state of safety and connection happening between the two of you.

We talk about:

• Why wanting to support your partner doesn’t mean you have limitless emotional capacity
• How to stay present without immediately fixing, defending, fleeing, or shutting down
• Why the supporting partner has to stay aware of their own body and emotions too
• How to tell your partner you’re reaching capacity without making them feel rejected
• Why it helps to clarify whether your partner wants to vent, be comforted, or solve a problem
• How to protect you, me, and us at the same time
• Why couples should talk about emotional capacity before they’re already dysregulated

One of the biggest takeaways from this conversation:

Willingness to be there is not the same as limitless capacity.

You can love your partner deeply and still need to say:

“I really want to stay with you in this, but I think I’m reaching my capacity.”

That isn’t abandonment.

Done well, it can actually be a way of protecting the relationship before both nervous systems go offline.

❤️ Your Love Work

Talk about this during a calm moment.

Ask each other:

When I’m overwhelmed, what do I usually need from you?

How do you know when you’re starting to reach your capacity?

What could we say to each other in that moment that would still communicate, “I love you, I’m here, and I want to protect us”?

Because love asks us to make room for each other’s emotions.

It does not ask either person to disappear inside of them.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

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You talked it through. You didn’t blow up. You actually reached a resolution.

So why does it still feel weird between you?

This week, we had a difficult conversation after our kids left for school. And honestly, we handled it pretty well. We stayed regulated, avoided falling into the Courtroom Trap, listened to each other, and figured out what needed to change.

But then we went about our morning—and something still felt off.

The conflict was over, but our bodies hadn’t quite gotten the message yet.

We call this The Moment After: that vulnerable space after a difficult conversation when everything may technically be okay, but you haven’t fully softened back toward each other.

And if you’re not careful, this is exactly where another small moment can reignite the conflict you just worked so hard to resolve.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why resolution and reconnection are not the same thing
• What happens in your nervous system after a difficult conversation
• Why silence can feel like anger and space can feel like rejection
• How couples accidentally reignite conflicts after they’ve already resolved them
• Why different partners need different signals that everything is okay
• How touch, words, eye contact, space, humor, prayer, or another small ritual can create a bridge back to connection
• How to discover what helps you and your partner soften toward each other again

One of the most powerful things you can say in The Moment After may simply be:

“I’m still a little activated, but you and I are okay.”

Because ending the disagreement is only part of the work.

Repair gets you out of the conflict. The Moment After determines how you find each other again.

❤️ Your Love Work

During a neutral moment this week, talk about what happens for each of you after a difficult conversation.

Ask each other:

What happens inside me after conflict?

What helps me know that you and I are okay again?

What could you do that would help me soften and reconnect with you?

You don't need the same thing. One of you may need reassurance while the other needs touch, eye contact, or a little space.

The goal is to understand each other's process and intentionally create your own bridge back to connection.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

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“Why are we STILL dealing with this?”

If you've ever had the same argument with your partner for what feels like the hundredth time, you may have wondered whether all the work you're doing is actually making a difference.

We had one of those moments this week.

EJ forgot to pay a credit card bill on time. The mistake cost us $15—which doesn't sound like much. But underneath that $15 were years of history around money, trust, responsibility, defensiveness, and emotional safety.

Tarah could feel herself slipping into an old story: If I don't take care of everything, things won't get done.

EJ could feel himself heading toward defensiveness: I handle so much, and now I'm going to be judged for one mistake.

We've had versions of this fight many times before.

But this time, something different happened.

Within minutes, we were okay.

In this episode, we unpack what each of us did differently and why we believe one of the biggest mistakes couples make is measuring progress by whether an old problem ever comes back.

We explore:

• Why recurring triggers don't automatically mean your relationship isn't improving
• How old stories can turn small moments into much bigger conflicts
• The difference between accountability and shame
• How to take responsibility without becoming defensive
• Why emotional safety is built through repeated experiences
• How familiar conflicts can become opportunities to practice something new
• Why getting 10% better may be more powerful than trying to solve the problem forever

We also introduce an idea we're developing inside Relationship Renovation:

Relationships Change Through Reps

Healthy relationships aren't necessarily relationships where familiar problems disappear.

They're relationships where two people gradually learn to respond differently when those familiar moments return.

Same Trigger → Different Response → Different Outcome

So instead of asking:

“Why are we still having this problem?”

Try asking:

“Are we getting better at how we handle it?”

❤️ Your Love Work

Choose one recurring pain point in your relationship.

Not while you're fighting about it, but during a calm moment, talk together about:

How can each of us get 10% better the next time this happens?

Because progress doesn't mean you'll never get triggered again.

Progress is when those triggers begin to lose their power over what happens next.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

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What happens when reaching for your partner no longer feels safe?

There was a period in our marriage when EJ stopped initiating sex completely.

It wasn't punishment. It wasn't giving up. We made the decision together because our sexual relationship had become complicated. EJ was experiencing rejection. Tarah was experiencing pressure. And something that had once felt spontaneous and playful had become loaded with anxiety, expectation, resentment, and meaning.

Stepping back helped.

But years later, as our intimate relationship became healthier, something unexpected happened:

Tarah wanted EJ to want her again.

And EJ realized he wasn't quite sure how to reach for her anymore.

In this deeply personal episode, we walk through four different seasons of our sexual relationship—from the ease of early intimacy, through the difficult high-desire/low-desire years, into adaptation, and now into what we're calling a season of rediscovery.

We explore:

• Why sexual initiation can begin to feel like pressure instead of connection
• What repeated rejection can do to the person who keeps reaching
• What repeated expectation can do to the person experiencing lower desire
• Why temporarily changing who initiates helped our relationship
• How emotional safety allowed desire to begin feeling free again
• The stories couples unknowingly attach to sex
• How we're learning to initiate again after years of complicated sexual history
• Why mature intimacy isn't about recreating the honeymoon stage

And we introduce a distinction we're beginning to use in our own relationship:

Invitation vs. Expectation

Can I express desire for you without making you responsible for satisfying it?

And can you receive my desire without becoming responsible for satisfying it?

That's where we're discovering a different kind of intimacy—one where desire can be expressed honestly, either partner is free to respond honestly, and a “not right now” doesn't have to mean rejection.

If initiation has become tense, awkward, infrequent, or almost nonexistent in your relationship, this conversation is for you.

And if you don't know how to begin talking about it, join our 🎧 Patreon (Free + Premium). We're sharing our Sexual Intimacy Inventory, designed to help couples start conversations about desire, initiation, tension, and what they want their intimate relationship to become.

Maybe the goal isn't to get back to what sex used to be. Maybe it's to discover what intimacy can become now.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

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What if staying connected didn’t require another thing on your calendar?

For busy couples, “date night” can start to feel like one more responsibility—find a babysitter, make a reservation, figure out what to do, and somehow find the energy to actually enjoy yourselves.

We know that feeling.

In this lighter, fun episode, we’re sharing some of the simple ways we’ve learned to stay connected at home—from question decks and themed dinners to game nights, morning coffee, walks with the dogs, cooking together, and even folding laundry.

Because some of the most meaningful moments in a relationship aren't grand gestures at all. They're the ordinary moments when we intentionally turn toward each other.

We talk about:

• Easy at-home date ideas that don't require a lot of planning or money
• Why novelty can bring playfulness back into your relationship
• How just 10 intentional minutes together can matter
• Simple conversation starters that help you reconnect
• Why shared rituals—morning coffee, a favorite show, cooking together—can become meaningful points of connection
• How to prioritize your relationship without making connection feel like another task

We also share one of our favorite questions for couples:

If we met today, what would first catch your attention about me now?

And when you're finished listening, we have some Love Work for you:

Don't wait for the perfect date night. Find one small moment this week and make it yours.

Because healthy relationships aren't built only on vacations, romantic dinners, or grand gestures.

They're built through thousands of small moments when we choose to turn toward one another.

And if you want more ideas, join our 🎧 Patreon (Free + Premium), where we're sharing 50 additional ways to connect with your partner at home and in everyday life. 

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

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What if resentment isn't the problem... but a form of protection?

Most couples think resentment appears overnight. In reality, it forms one small hurt at a time—like adding another brick to a wall. At first, that wall feels like it protects us from being hurt again. Over time, it becomes the very thing that separates us from the person we love.

In this deeply personal episode, EJ and Tarah begin by sharing current resentments they still carry toward one another. Instead of avoiding the conversation, they model what it looks like to approach resentment with curiosity, compassion, and emotional honesty.

Together they explore:

• Why resentment often feels useful in the moment
• How repeated hurts slowly build emotional walls
• The connection between resentment, attachment, and emotional safety
• Why understanding what resentment is protecting can create breakthrough moments
• How compassion replaces judgment when you understand your partner's story
• A simple Love Work exercise to begin removing one "brick" from your relationship this week

One of the most powerful questions from this episode is:

"What is my resentment protecting me from?"

Sometimes resentment is protecting us from feeling hurt.

Sometimes it's protecting us from feeling vulnerable.

And sometimes it's protecting us from believing things can ever be different.

Healing doesn't happen by pretending resentment isn't there. It begins by gently understanding why it showed up in the first place—and having the courage to remove one brick at a time.

If this episode resonates with you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us continue bringing practical, honest conversations to couples who want to build healthier, more connected relationships.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

Continue the Work Together

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Men Who Do the Work | Relationship Renovation at Home book | Join our Patreon community

Have you ever tried explaining yourself, only to hear your partner say, "You're being defensive"?

It happens in almost every relationship. One partner feels misunderstood. The other feels unheard. Before long, the conversation isn't about understanding anymore—it's about proving who's right and who's wrong.

In this episode, we introduce a new Relationship Renovation concept: The Courtroom Trap.

The Courtroom Trap is what happens when partners stop approaching each other with curiosity and begin acting like opposing attorneys—building a case, defending themselves, and searching for evidence instead of understanding.

Together, we explore:

• The difference between explaining yourself and becoming defensive
• Why defensiveness often begins long before anyone says a word
• How assumptions quietly put your partner "on trial"
• The role of emotional safety in difficult conversations
• A simple phrase that can stop conflict before it escalates: "I think we're in the courtroom."
• How curiosity transforms conflict into connection

Because healthy relationships aren't built by winning arguments.

They're built by understanding each other.

In This Episode

• What The Courtroom Trap is
• Explaining vs. Defending
• Why assumptions create emotional distance
• Practicing curiosity instead of prosecution
• Building emotional safety through honesty and transparency

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

🎙️ If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Your support helps us reach more couples who are working toward healthier, more connected relationships.

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Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner and thought, "How did we get here so fast?"

In this episode, EJ and Tarah unpack a real-life moment from their own marriage that started with a simple question about putting collars on the dogs—and escalated into frustration within seconds.

What they discovered wasn't about dog collars at all.

It was something they now call Trigger Transfer—the moment when one partner's long-standing trigger quietly becomes the other partner's trigger. Over time, couples stop reacting to what's actually happening in the present and begin reacting to the history they've built together.

If you've ever felt like the smallest moments somehow turn into the biggest fights, this episode will help you understand why—and more importantly, how to interrupt the cycle before it takes over.

In this episode you'll learn:

• Why seemingly insignificant moments trigger outsized reactions
• What Trigger Transfer is and how it develops over time
• How anticipatory anxiety keeps couples stuck in old patterns
• The difference between responding to your partner and responding to your nervous system's predictions
• A practical way to move from reaction to curiosity during conflict

Reflection Question

Am I responding to my partner... or to the story my nervous system has already started telling me?

That single question has the power to transform the way you experience conflict.

Website: RelationshipRenovation.com

Instagram: @relationshiprenovation

As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.

If this episode resonates with you, we'd be so grateful if you'd subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you love. Every share helps us fulfill our mission of helping couples become their best selves—together.

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