EPISODES
  • Parker: I’m Recovering From an Eating Disorder, But There’s A Lot That’s Not Recovered

    Parker bravely shares her journey with an eating disorder that started at the age of six. She reveals how her struggle with controlling her body became intertwined with her identity, making it difficult to imagine life without it. With honesty and vulnerability, Parker unpacks her experience as an addict, comparing her behavior to that of a heroin addict. Her story sheds light on the complexities of eating disorders, the impact they have on a person's well-being, and the importance of seeking help and support. Tune in to this episode of the Secret Life Podcast to gain insight and understanding on this critical issue affecting millions worldwide.

    ______

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    TRANSCRIPT

    [0:00:00] Parker: So I eat these Quest bars, you know, and sometimes it's like, that'll be pretty much all I eat in a day. And then while I do it, I get on Instagram and I go to like, Search, and then it's just food. And I watch layer cakes, cupcakes, donuts, pizza. And then I'm just thinking about the binge. Just like thinking about it.


    [0:00:24] Parker: Shh. Shh.


    [0:00:26] Brianne: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis.


    [0:01:07] Parker: Gantt.


    [0:01:07] Brianne: Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave.


    [0:01:16] Parker: Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today. My guest is Parker. Parker, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    [0:01:33] Parker: My secret is that I have an eating disorder. And I know that sounds like, yes, you and everyone else on the planet. And it's not so much that no one knows that I have eating disorders, but the secret is more, that all this shit that I'm still doing, because my story is that I'm recovered. But the truth is, there's a lot that's not recovered.


    [0:02:00] Parker: So when did this secret first start? When did you start going through those eating disorder situation when you were younger?


    [0:02:09] Parker: Well, okay, so I starved for the first time when I was six, and that wasn't necessary. And that wasn't necessarily about wanting to be thin. That didn't happen until nine. But six was more. My mom was mentally ill and she had my baby sister at home. And I really felt unsafe with them being at home by themselves. I was like, she can't do it. I need to be there. So I was in first grade and I realized, oh, if I don't eat my lunch, I will start to feel really sick, like I have the flu. And then I can go to the principal. I can go to the principal's office and say I feel sick and I can go home. And then I can make sure that my mom and my sister are okay. So that was sort of the first time that used the tool of starving to serve me. And then a couple of years later, I remember being in the car with my mom and seeing this girl jogging, and she was like, really tan. I'm really not tan.


    [0:03:10] Parker: And she had thighs that were thin but also very muscly and very defined. And my thighs are just creamy white and they're just soft. And I just remember looking at her thighs and then looking down at my spreading thigh life spread over the car seat. And I was like, no, this is not acceptable. And honestly, I'm in my still feel the same way about my thighs.


    [0:03:39] Parker: Did anybody say anything ever about your thighs? Or is it just something you have always felt?


    [0:03:46] Parker: It's more just something I've always felt. I was an early bloomer, so I've never been overweight. But I was definitely big. I was like one of the tallest kids. And I had big feet. And I had a lot of girlfriends who were like little, and they were like a size one. And I wore like a size nine. So I always felt very big in space. And also my mom is obese, and she's been obese my whole life. So just having that as a woman and a girl having and she hates her body life. I never saw her naked. Like so much shame. Doesn't want her picture taken. So I think I got a lot of that hardwiring of just like even though I know intellectually that I am not big, I feel big. And a lot of times too, that's what I see.


    [0:04:37] Parker: So it's life, even to this day. I'll say crazy shit to my husband, and he'll be like, I'll see someone and I'll be like, do my legs look like hers? And he's like, honey, you're like half the size of that. But I literally don't see it. I'm not trying to be an asshole. That's not what I see.


    [0:04:52] Parker: No. I have had an eating disorder too, so I complete in high school. So I remember until I got so thin. And everybody used to tell me how great I looked. And so I got a little thinner. And then it wasn't so good looking anymore. And people started telling me that, and I would just think they were jealous or something. But I remember specifically someone took a picture of me, and I saw the picture, and I saw what they saw. And my eyes didn't see the same thing. It's life, this distortion or something.


    [0:05:29] Parker: Yeah. And honestly, that's part of my disorder too. And that's something that's still a thing. Because it's like I'll look in and I have this weird thing. Like, if it's a new mirror, somehow magically, it's like a thin mirror. So I'll go to Cheesecake Factory and I'll be like, damn, bitch. All right, we're getting cake. But then if I'm home and it's my regular old mirror, I'm like, no. Oh, boy. Now what are we going to do? Get out the sweats, cover it up. And I forget where I was going with that.


    [0:05:59] Parker: But it's okay because I have a question. You withheld food from yourself instead of life. Binging.


    [0:06:07] Parker: Oh, no, I do that, too.


    [0:06:09] Parker: So it was a combination of both.


    [0:06:10] Parker: Yeah. It's a lot of control and over exercising life. I never actually threw up, but I think one of the tricky things and how I can still carry it today is I'm very good at looking like I have my shit together. I was never £80. I was never £800. I would go to twelve step meetings that are about I've gone to food programs for years and I did all the stuff and I read all the books and I had a sponsor and I sponsored, and the entire time I was lying. Like, not all the time. Not about everything.


    [0:06:48] Brianne: Like what?


    [0:06:49] Parker: Give me some examples.


    [0:06:51] Parker: Okay, so in these programs, they talk about being abstinent and sometimes, and that just means life. It's individual, it's whatever that thing is for you. For some people, it's no sugar. For some people, it's no binging. For some people, it's three meals a day with nothing in between. And I mean, it's been so long, I can't even tell you what my abstinence was. That it's like, I would have it and then I would lose it and I wouldn't say anything. And part of it was because I was getting away with it. And I would go to these meetings and people would say things to me like, what are you doing? Because I looked normal. I was like a size. I wasn't big, I wasn't small. And so to them, they would look to me like I had the answer. And the whole time I'm thinking like, this is a life. And that's tied into the anorexia too, right?


    [0:07:37] Parker: Because it's life. Even when you are teeny tiny, and even in that microsecond that you might actually be feeling it too, your head's going, you're a fucking liar. This is a fucking sham. Do you know how fucking hungry I am right now? And I'm doing all this so I can look like this for you and I can't even own it because it's not even real. Because I know the moment I eat a pizza or eat a sandwich, it's all done anyways. It's just giant illusion. Yeah.


    [0:08:06] Parker: And for me, it was all just about the one thing. I can control life. I can control my body. No one can stop me from controlling it. And I remember my parents one time wanting me to drink a milkshake. And I was life. I am not drinking a milkshake. That's disgusting. Which today I'll drink a milkshake. I love a good milkshake, right? Anyways, and then if I drank the milkshake, I would then beat myself up about it in my head, right?


    [0:08:34] Parker: Or be so afraid. And for me, I think part of why I still do what I do and I want to get into what I do.


    [0:08:43] Parker: Yes.


    [0:08:43] Parker: Because it's gnarly. But a part of it is the disorders are so wrapped up into my identity that I'm literally like, I don't know who I would be without this. Every once in a while, I will dare myself to just dream about what if I had freedom from food obsession? What if I didn't spend? And these are the days that I'm not worrying about a job or my kid or my husband or somebody being sick or life the bigger stuff. If I don't have that stuff to obsess about, then this is where I go. The default is food. What did you eat? What didn't you eat? When can you eat again? Did you eat too much? I still track calories like a fucking weirdo on my calculator app and I'll go into the next day. So it's like you're 600 negative for Life Tuesday and it's Sunday. But I'll keep track of it because somehow in my head I'm like, I'm going to catch up.


    [0:09:43] Parker: So is that some of the stuff you're still doing today?


    [0:09:46] Parker: Yeah.


    [0:09:47] Parker: That's the secret you're holding?


    [0:09:48] Parker: Yeah. Well, I just want to backtrack, really. So I did all the lying within the program and I think part of a lot of times because I do believe eating disorders are an addiction. That's just what I believe and that's why I fully qualify as an addict is I never really hit a bottom. And so I actually ended up leaving my whole life and went back to my parents house. And coincidentally, my sister was living in my parents basement and she is a drug addict. And so she had just gotten back from rehab, she had no job, she had no car, like nothing. So she's hit her bottom. She's in the basement life doing her thing, and she was counting days. And so I would drive her to her A meetings, but then subsequently I'm one level above in the living room and something about the move, because this wasn't a conscious decision on my point on my part, like, I'm going to leave my life and kind of put myself in rehab. But that's kind of what happened. So I'm at my parents house. I have no job, I have no health insurance, I have no money. And I remember for six weeks I sat on my parents couch and I just ate, which I'd never let myself do before. It was like, I'm going to binge, but then I'm going to starve and then I'm going to go to the gym.


    [0:11:12] Parker: And it was like this life and all these meds to the antidepressants that would make me speedy and they would make me be able to eat even more because it would raise up my metabolism. So then I'm taking the downers so I can go to sleep, but those aren't working. So then I'm driving to 711 at 03:00 A.m.. It was so crazy.


    [0:11:30] Parker: Yeah. That's everything you just said a heroin addict could say and it would be the same exact description.


    [0:11:39] Parker: Yeah. And I would be driving around on all those downers that were supposed to make me sleep. I'm driving my car, like going like, I need to get ice cream. So when I went home and I just ate and I remember I even like, I got a really expensive gym membership and I would like, go to the gym and I'd try to get on the elliptical. And I'd be like, no. And I would go back home and.


    [0:12:03] Parker: Being on the elliptical.


    [0:12:07] Parker: And I was like, the bitch. She was like 05:00 a.m in the middle of winter, like doing running her 5 miles because I wanted to be able to eat that day, right? I want to eat, but I had to earn it. So I went home and just sat on the couch and I hit a bottom. And it was like the best thing I could have ever done for myself. And so I did that. I just ate for probably like a good month and a half. And then one day I went on a weird internet date with some random guy and he took me to a Tori Amos concert. And I'm obsessed with her. And it was like I've seen her life so many times. And so I'm watching her and I've just had this moment. And I really believe this was life from God, like direct channel. I just looked at her performing and this voice said to me, do you see that greatness up there? You have that too, life. You have all that in you.


    [0:13:01] Parker: And aren't you so tired of hating yourself? And literally in that moment, it was a gift. And I've never gone back to that same place. And so my secret that I'm sharing with you, because that's the story I tell. And it's true that I've never gone back to that place. But really, sometimes the only difference between that and now is that I don't judge myself in the same way. And I don't get scared that because if anyone's listening that has eating disorders, first of all, I love you. Second of all, for me, I had to create a life that I wanted to show up for. So that was the other difference. It was 2005. Like, I didn't like my job. I didn't life my apartment. I didn't like where I was living. I had sort of set up a life for myself that I didn't want to show up for. So it's like, of course you're going to and call in sick and life and do all the shit you were doing.


    [0:14:06] Parker: And now today I have a life that I want to show up for. First of all, the level of fantasy. So I still binge there. There's my secret. I binge and I don't even know it's probably once every couple of months. And it's very secret. And the first crazy part is just the level of fantasy that I do. I mean, it's like when people talk about suicidal ideation, I feel like I do that with binging.


    [0:14:41] Parker: If I'm feeling you plan your meals, what you're going to get. You go on Yelp and you look like, OOH, I'm going to go to that place and get that.


    [0:14:48] Parker: Yeah, well, here's another thing this ties back. This is another disordered thing that I still do. So when I was really anorexic, I used to eat my diet yogurt with like the two tablespoons of grape nuts and I'd put a ton of salt in it because the salt would give it more flavor.


    [0:15:03] Parker: That sounds so gross. I'm sure every listener is going, what?


    [0:15:08] Parker: I ate everything with salt. I used to cut pears and dip them into kosher salt, like every bite. And I think it was just because my body wanted flavor so badly and it was like that was all that I would give to myself. So somehow that was maximizing it. So anyways, I would eat this diet yogurt and I would look at food magazines and I would look at Life ribeyes and baked potatoes and I would literally pretend that that's what I was eating while I was eating the same 90 calorie key lime pie bullshit nutrisweet yogurt. Right? So I still do that. So now today my thing is Quest bars. I'm obsessed with Quest bars. And this is part of my disordered eating too, is I get into these right now it's summer, so it's like it's all about salads and then winter it's all about soup. Yes, but I do this weird fucked up shit with my soup too. So it's like not even soup, it's kind of like stuffing. And I bake it with like egg whites because I want volume, I want to eat a lot. It's like whatever I'm eating, it has to be like a lot of it. I eat these Quest bars and sometimes that'll be pretty much all I eat in a day.


    [0:16:23] Parker: But I have this ritual where I get the bars. It's always the same kind. It's always I eat the one first and the second 1 second. And then while I do it, I get on Instagram and I go to Search and then it's just food. And I watch layer cakes, cupcakes donuts, pizza and so. And then I'm just thinking about the binge. Just like thinking about it and planning it and it's very complicated because I want to do it where it's like I don't have to work that day, I don't have to work the next day. I need life two days to do it properly. Which is really hard when you're married and you have a kid. So it's like I'm trying to be like, don't you guys want to go on a camping trip without me? It feels like this is the one thing that I truly look forward to. Which how sad is that? Because of course, you know, I mean from I'm assuming you've binged before.


    [0:17:18] Parker: Oh yeah.


    [0:17:19] Parker: Okay. So you know. Right? So it's like the first whatever, probably ten minutes is kind of amazing. And then you're like, I feel sick.


    [0:17:26] Parker: Yeah, it's life. The first couple of bites, and then the rest of it kind of I remember I used to want to eat it really fast so that my mind couldn't stop me, I guess, is what I remember a long time ago. But yeah, it was only those first couple of bites for me.


    [0:17:46] Parker: And then you're like, it stops tasting good. It stops tasting good. And then your mouth starts to hurt, and then your stomach starts to hurt. And I'll literally go to, like, I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I don't throw up. It's like I just don't want to throwing up is not a thing for me. I keep it. Yeah, but it's just so interesting. It's like, what is that definitely when I'm mid binge or definitely when I'm in the after part when you just feel kind of comatose? One of the thoughts that always comes up for me is like, honey, you can take a break. There's this lead up when it's like, I've made the decision and I'm off to the races and it's happening. That it's like, in those moments, I don't see you could have just taken.


    [0:18:38] Parker: A bath or just had one slice of the pizza or two or three and not enough.


    [0:18:45] Parker: Right.


    [0:18:46] Parker: Why do we always have to let.


    [0:18:48] Parker: Yourself extreme or let yourself lay in bed and watch Netflix all day? Because that's what I'm doing. And that's really I don't want to say where all the pleasure comes from, but a lot of it, a lot of it is like, I want an excuse to lie in bed all day.


    [0:19:01] Parker: But here's my other thing for you that I don't think we're hitting on, okay? There's something inside that just doesn't allow us or people or you to just be to be where you are, to be present. And instead, we eat, we instagram swipe, we compare and despair to other people to get out of ourselves. So my question for you, I'm just going to jump to how do you move forward?


    [0:19:31] Parker: Okay?


    [0:19:32] Parker: And my question for you, where's the pause button before you do those things? Before you put that whole pizza or layered cake? So where's that pause and go? Why? Because for me, the moments I go, why do I want to do this so bad right now? And why am I obsessively thinking about this thing? Something else deeper is going on. What is that? And for me, it's usually fear. It's usually sadness. It's usually all those abandonment sometimes, right. So for you, how do you move forward?


    [0:20:15] Parker: Well, I know what works for me, and it's really simple. It's just reaching out. And I'm really lucky that I have a husband who is also a compulsive overeater. We actually met in the program, and it's really beautiful because I've seen him struggle. He's seen me struggle. And we have this really beautiful. Very like it's unsaid because we both understand to our core that there's nothing that you can say to that person in that moment when they're in their disease.


    [0:20:47] Parker: Totally.


    [0:20:49] Parker: But I've said to him many times, and he'll do it to me, too, I'll be like, I am done. I'm done eating for the day. Or I'll say, I want to binge and this is what I want to do. And then we just talk about it. And like, nine times out of ten, that pause is enough.


    [0:21:07] Parker: And you just have to be good enough with that. There's no perfection. And we just do the best we can and we show up for our life. And I think that's lovely that you have a partner that you can have that communication with.


    [0:21:22] Parker: Yeah, it's really special. It's really special because I feel like normies people that don't have eating disorders, like bless them, they don't get it.


    [0:21:32] Parker: No, you can't get it. No, you can't get it. And people that have had eating disorders or still going through it, now, you are not alone. And the problem is you're probably going to have it the rest of your life. So you have to manage it or it will kill you. We don't think it's as deadly as drugs or alcohol or that kind of addiction, but it will kill you because you're taking your body through this thing that is not healthy.


    [0:22:04] Parker: Yeah. And especially if you're like me, it's just it progresses. I've noticed the more I do it, the more it's like, I'm eating it faster, I'm doing it more. Because I didn't used to do that. I was the savor and I would savor it, and now I'm just like I can really see it's. Like, I just so badly want to numb out. I just want to numb out.


    [0:22:29] Parker: Well, thank you for sharing your secret with us.


    [0:22:32] Parker: You're welcome.


    [0:22:33] Parker: Thank you for listening to Secret Life podcast. If you have a past secret that you've already gone through and you're on the other side, or a present secret you're still living with, please reach out to me and message me below or email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Thanks again. Until next time you.


    [0:22:57] Brianne: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note@secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    23m | Mar 20, 2023
  • Tess: I'm a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic

    Grateful recovering alcoholic Tess shares her journey to sobriety and the role of addiction in coping with chaos. With raw honesty, she delves into the underlying issues driving her drinking and how recovery programs like AA have been a source of support and relatability. Alongside Secret Life host, Brianne Davis-Gantt, they dive into the role of ego in human behavior and how recovery has shifted their focus from self-serving to being of service to others. This thought-provoking episode sheds light on the struggles of addiction and inspires listeners to attend meetings and hear other people's stories to find support in recovery.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)

    Secret Life Podcast - Ep 144 - Tess: I’m a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic 


    TRANSCRIPT


    [0:00:00] Tess: Like, addiction, you know, life.


    [0:00:01] Brianne Davis: What?


    [0:00:02] Tess: Like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, Look, I don't I know you guys are like, a top rated place in the country, but you have no idea what you're doing. These are my exact words. I'm like, if I'm an addict or an alcoholic, and so is every other 23-year-old in La. Like, to write famous last words.


    [0:00:21] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret secret, I'll tell you mine. 


    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves and others. You know those deep, dark secrets you probably want to go to our grave with are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all.


    [0:01:25] Brianne Davis: Today guest is Tess. Now, Tess, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:34] Tess: Hi, I'm Tess, and I am grateful for recovering alcoholic.


    [0:01:39] Brianne Davis: Wow, I really liked that. That was very profession like. We were in a meeting.


    [0:01:43] Tess: Thank you.


    [0:01:46] Brianne Davis: Sometimes I have to say, when people used to say grateful and whatever their addiction was, I used to get annoyed with them.


    [0:01:52] Tess: Oh, it's the worst at the beginning.


    [0:01:54] Brianne Davis: When you don't understand, like, spare me. But I love it now. It's such yes, because I am a grateful, sex and love addict. And when I hear people say that, I'm like, OOH, that sounds gross, but it's a blessing. Do you find that 100%?


    [0:02:11] Tess: I find that it's a blessing. It took me a little bit to get to that spot where I really did feel grateful and that it all happened kind of for a greater good, but definitely take some hard work to get to that place.


    [0:02:24] Brianne Davis: So when did this problem start with you? With alcohol?


    [0:02:28] Tess: Well, I'm 27 now. And you're a baby. I'm a baby. I'll have three years on October 13, which I'm really excited about. So I did get sober young, but I always hear in meetings, because we go to so many of them, that you kind of grow up in the rooms and either AA or NA or whatever program that you're in kind of teaches you how to live a sober, happy, healthy life. And I feel like sometimes we grow up and we don't learn those huge AHA moments, but I really feel like I have kind of grown up in this program.


    [0:03:06] Brianne Davis: So when did the drinking start? For you? What age?


    [0:03:10] Tess: I would say the first time I consciously remember drinking to life, what if I was upset or to numb? Kind of like that was 16, which I felt was kind of I don't want to say average. I mean, everyone's story is so different, but for me, it was 16, and then it really kind of took off next level when I was in college.


    [0:03:30] Brianne Davis: So can you take us through that progression for you?


    [0:03:34] Tess: Sure. I mean, growing up, my family is from Germany, and, you know, everything always looked kind of perfect from the outside. I was really good at making sure everything looked great.


    [0:03:46] Brianne Davis: Life.


    [0:03:46] Tess: I was good at school. I did all the extra curriculars. I have friends, I had a boyfriend, whatever it was, I always make sure it looks really pretty from the outside, and that's a really hard facade to keep up as things start kind of crumbling down beneath you. And I was in college when things kind of really started to spin out of control, and things really started to take it up a notch. So, yeah, that's kind of when I noticed that I had a really close friends of mine pulling me aside and say, hey, what's going on? This is getting out of hand.


    [0:04:19] Brianne Davis: But what were those behaviors that they were noticing that was getting out of hand? Were you at parties? Would you just life?


    [0:04:25] Tess: Yeah, I would be going out every single night, and I was always really good at making things look like I had it under control. Right. That's like the attic thing. No, I got it. It's all good. I got it. Don't worry about me. Everything's fine. And so I was really good at making it look like I had it under control until I didn't have it under control. So I would be going out every single night. I didn't think I was hurting anybody because it was like my own actions and my stuff. Right. That's the classic. I wasn't hurting anyone or doing anything, which is just so not true. So, yeah, I would say it took me about four years, and then I love to kind of escape.


    [0:05:03] Tess: And if I was feeling a certain way on the inside, I had to find external validation and go out and have superficial friendships and superficial things to make me have that whole my stomach and in my heart feel complete. You know what I mean?


    [0:05:20] Brianne Davis: Yeah, completely. Yes. So I love filling that void, that empty. I always say it's life, that empty part in your soul that we just keep filling it with attention, buying dresses, makeup, life, eating life. We just keep filling it. And it's insatiable. It never is full 100%. So do you feel like your pattern definitely was, like, out in clubs with superficial people? Life was that tied into it?


    [0:05:52] Tess: All tied into it 100%. So that's part of the story. Right. And then I actually went to school in the south. I went to school in Dallas, and then I moved to La. Which then is just like the Super Bowls, kind of that kind of situation.


    [0:06:05] Brianne Davis: And I really just come to La. It seems like we're just why we.


    [0:06:11] Tess: Have such a great recovery program. They always say wherever there's high levels of addiction, there's great levels of recovery, which is true. Yeah.


    [0:06:19] Brianne Davis: La is a breeding ground for that.


    [0:06:22] Tess: That's so funny. Yeah. But I made my way to La. And I was there for eight months before I went to treatment, so that was a pretty fast descend, I would guess.


    [0:06:31] Brianne Davis: So what was that bottom moment? There was a lot of things.


    [0:06:39] Tess: I have a two part story. I went to treatment in January 2017, but I didn't necessarily go for addiction. I went for trauma, depression, and anxiety, because that, like, overwhelming. You know when you have that hole and it feels like it's eating up inside you? It was just getting so overwhelming.


    [0:06:55] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Like a snake life. I wanted to peel my skin and crawl out of my skin.


    [0:07:00] Tess: Exactly. So I just kind of felt like that, and it was kept growing and growing to the point where I just felt like if this is what life was like, I didn't want to do it anymore. I'm like, this isn't fun. This isn't a good time. I don't get the point. Life dark thoughts and things like that, but I was just like, I need help. The first time I voiced that, and that was eight months after La. But I still didn't think I was an addict or an alcoholic. I wasn't even going for that. That wasn't even crossed my mind. I was like, I just need to figure out how not to feel so shitty all the time. I didn't even think that drugs and alcohol were a correlation to that.


    [0:07:37] Brianne Davis: Let me ask you a question, though. You said you just didn't want to be living anymore. Did you actually have suicidal thoughts or you just didn't want to be on this planet? Life, you were like, I'm kind of done.


    [0:07:49] Tess: I just didn't get it. I was life so negative, and I just felt like everyone was always happy, had that friend or that happiness, and I was like, so I missed how to Be Happy 101 class. I missed a day of school or something because everyone seems to have figured it out but me. And so that's how I felt, but I didn't know that's. Just like the underlying any type of ism alcoholism or whatever, however they talk about it in meetings. That's kind of the thing of, like, am I not enough? I'm not good enough. Why does everyone have this but me? It's kind of all the same underlying system, right?


    [0:08:21] Brianne Davis: Yeah, they all are the exact same.


    [0:08:24] Tess: Yeah. So I went to treatment, but I just wanted to figure out not to be so miserable, you fill out those giant questionnaires when you get there. Like 40 pages, 50 pages of every question you could ever be asked. And I meet with the counselor for the first time, and he's like, okay, so we're going to put you on addiction track one. Like, addiction?


    [0:08:43] Brianne Davis: What?


    [0:08:44] Tess: What are you talking about? And I'm like, Look, I know you guys are, like, a top rated place in the country, but you have no idea what you're doing. These are my exact words if I'm an addict or an alcoholic, and so is every other 23 year old in La. To write famous last words.


    [0:09:00] Brianne Davis: I love it. I love it when people come to my program and they're like, I don't have a problem. I just don't want to be with this person. Really? You're walking in the room, you kind of saying, you have a problem.


    [0:09:11] Tess: So I had kind of no idea what it was all about, but I started learning a lot, right? Because whenever you're in a treatment program or somewhere for 30 days with no outside contact, all you do is you really get to focus on yourself and your issues and kind of like, what makes you tick. So I was really grateful for the opportunity. I was actually so excited to get to treatment because I remember I was like the drug driver that picks you up from the airport to take you to the center. I was like, don't take this the wrong way, but I've never seen someone so happy come here, right? He's like, all my people are kicking and screaming or upset. He just said, you just seem so happy. And I was life. Look, I know there's no way in the hell that I'm leaving this place worse off than when I came in, which was true. I learned so much, and it was incredible.


    [0:09:55] Brianne Davis: Did you think it was that pink cloud moment? Did you have that where you're like, okay, this will be the answer? This will fix me?


    [0:10:03] Tess: Yes, until treatment is a very protected area. And then they're like, well, you should do sober living. You should do aisle pieceway. Did all those things. And then I returned back to La. But then life started getting hard, and shit started happening, and life got really tough really quickly.


    [0:10:19] Brianne Davis: I find that to be true. I find that the people that go to treatment and then there's always slips afterwards than if you just stay in where you are and then go to meetings, is it different? Exactly, because it's like taking you out of your it's safer in the treatment center, but then you have to come out and learn how to relive again in your life with these tools while you're still trying to go through this withdrawal and stuff. Am I right?


    [0:10:50] Tess: Yeah. I was in treatment for 30 days, so I didn't have any withdrawals or anything at home. But then I went to sober living and did that I think for two weeks. And then I was like, look, my apartment is so close to here, I'm just going to stay there and I'll go to Iop and I'll do all the courses and that kind of stuff. So I did that until June. So that was February till June of more intensive therapy and stuff like that. But then life started getting really tough. I had a friend who died of a Fentanyl overdose at the end of June. He was like 23 years old. And that's when you're like, oh shit, this is real. This actually happens. And so that was a really hard thing to understand because it was someone so unassuming. You're like, oh, that person has it all together. They're doing great. You know what I mean?


    [0:11:41] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:11:42] Tess: And then that kind of was one of the reasons. And then I had two more instances. One where a really close friend of mine was also in the ICU because of drugs. And then the last one was I came home and my roommate was having some type of overdose from Xanax. And so I was like, if every single person in my life has been closest to me over the past, you know, ten months or so, however long it was, is like dying or nearly dead. Like, I just feel like I was dancing with the devil. And so like, that night after I went home from to my roommate and she was in the hospital, I was like, never again. I can't do this. Because I felt like I was next. So that was October 12, and then my sobriety date was October 13.


    [0:12:30] Brianne Davis: Wow. What? So sad. But at the same time, that's such a God shot for you to like.


    [0:12:38] Tess: Touch that God shot in your face.


    [0:12:40] Brianne Davis: And it's like, this is going to be you next. Look at all these people around you and you have a chance to save yourself.


    [0:12:46] Tess: And the beautiful part of that story is that both of those other two people are now sober as well.


    [0:12:51] Brianne Davis: That makes me so nice.


    [0:12:54] Tess: I know it's very full circle and it's very interesting, right?


    [0:13:00] Brianne Davis: But here's a question that just hit me, and I don't know if you even know how to answer it, but you're younger than me. And I feel like I've been sober for eleven years now and sex and love addiction, but I feel like recently younger and younger people are coming into recovery programs. Twelve step and all that, because I feel like the younger generations are even more disconnected. Are you finding that true with your generation and everything going on?


    [0:13:35] Tess: I don't know what it was like previously, obviously, but for right now there's definitely I'm not the only one. Look at it that way. There's definitely a lot of young women, cool women are meetings because I definitely go to women's meetings more. They're full people of all ages, young, older, the whole nine yards.


    [0:13:56] Brianne Davis: Yeah, the gamut of people.


    [0:13:58] Tess: Sure, there's everyone. But for me, I know getting sober was I had that hole, right? And I kept trying to fill it and nothing was ever filling it. And then when I started getting some clarity and some momentum about what was actually happening around me, the greatest shot that I have to live a life with someone that I'm proud of and I'm proud of who I am and the life of true happiness is to do it sober. And so I was really lucky that I got that revelation at a young point in life, because some people it takes a little bit longer and everyone has their own past and that's totally incredible. But for me, I was really fortunate that I picked it up very young.


    [0:14:37] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, my husband, which he talks about, but he got sober at 19.


    [0:14:42] Tess: That's incredible.


    [0:14:44] Brianne Davis: And he got sober at 19. But what I was talking about is life with the social media, everything being out there, all your personal stuff, this filter society we live in, where you put filters and you make it look perfect, I feel. And I'm getting the gist that more and more people are disconnected from their reality and living.


    [0:15:08] Tess: I would agree, for sure. Which is why I love having these types of conversations. And it's interesting, right? Because I would think, what would it be like if I didn't have an outlet life? AA. Right? That's when you hear the really raw conversations, emotion, all the ups and the downs, life, you hear all of it. But if you don't have the privilege of having a program like that, where do you find that kind of support of that type of authenticity? I don't know. I feel like it would be difficult.


    [0:15:36] Brianne Davis: I don't think it exists anywhere else, honestly, unless you're at a therapist office and you're sitting with a therapist. But a community where people come in and just tell all their shit and all their dirty laundry and they just put it out there and say, I am feeling empty and alone. I mean, where does people say that right now in society?


    [0:15:57] Tess: I mean, 100% agree with you. I have no idea. That's why I think it's so amazing. And also just because this whole COVID quarantine shit that's been happening, it's been so wild. I have found that the people that have coped and dealt with it the best have been addicts or alcoholics or someone in a twelve step program because they know how to deal with chaos in some type of way.


    [0:16:17] Brianne Davis: Yeah, and they turn it over when things are chaotic and we have no control. I mean, this whole situation sees that we have no control over anything in the world. Right?


    [0:16:29] Tess: 100%.


    [0:16:30] Brianne Davis: Or I always thought life, I make my path, I have control over all that stuff. And really we have no control. So it's like turn that over to God or your higher power or whatever you want to call it ASAP, because that's the only way exactly. You find serenity in peace life.


    [0:16:49] Tess: I couldn't have said about it myself. I think people also being so willing to try to figure out a new solution in this time, like, okay, we can't go to physical meetings. We'll do zoom meetings, right? And now you can be anywhere, literally in your house, and connect to however many millions of meetings there are online right now, and just pop in and share your experience, strength, or hope with someone. And we figured it out, and we move forward. And I think that type of adaptability has been huge as well. My fiance is also in a program, and so I feel like every moment with him is a meeting, because that's what they always used to say, that it's just you need two people to have a meeting. That's all it is. It's true.


    [0:17:24] Brianne Davis: I mean, my husband and I, our whole conversation almost every day is about, okay, can we turn that over? How are you feeling? You triggered me when you said this life. It's this whole other form of and it's so lovely to talk to you. I didn't know your fiance or you were engaged is also in a program. How is that as a couple? Can you explain to our listeners?


    [0:17:47] Tess: It's beautiful. It's definitely a blessing because I feel like we both know how to properly communicate and not just say right, that you don't have your ups and downs and your fights and things of that nature. But I think we also met in treatment, so I'll preface that. But our stories definitely coincided on day one, and so we met in treatment, and I disconnected a little bit, and then kind of came full circle, and it's been pretty crazy. I mean, we both go to meetings. We both know what we're supposed to do. We have conversations, we talk about triggered if our feelings are hurt. We use eye statements. We don't try to blame. Not to say that it doesn't get into that we don't have fights and things like that, but it's definitely much more. I feel manageable, and I feel like you feel like you're on the same team. Does that make sense?


    [0:18:38] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's like you understand, you know.


    [0:18:41] Tess: A partner, you know exactly what everyone's hearing. We're hearing the same message, and we try to live our life that way, which is amazing, because I feel like wherever our home is, it's so peaceful and serene. You can get to that point because, you know, everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing. Does that make sense?


    [0:18:59] Brianne Davis: Right? And I also sometimes if we're having a conversation and we can't work it out, one of us are mostly him, we'll be like, I think you should call your sponsor, which I hate hearing that. I'm like, don't tell me to call my sponsor.


    [0:19:14] Tess: It's so funny, but so true, because it's a thing.


    [0:19:17] Brianne Davis: It's a thing. Don't tell me who to call. Or maybe don't take my inventory.


    [0:19:22] Tess: Yeah, exactly. Don't take my inventory. But that's the best.


    [0:19:26] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. I remember we had that life a month ago, and I was like, don't tell me to call my sponsor. And then I was like, Damn, I need to call my sponsor.


    [0:19:36] Tess: But more than 99% of the time, essentially, they're right. You're like, yeah, I definitely need to check in. But I was at a dinner the other night, and we were with another couple, and they were talking about how kind of like your partner is almost like your guru. Right. And just bear with me. That is kind of like they teach you things that you still need to learn and understand about yourself. And it's like, okay, if I am looking at this through a way of patience, I definitely need to be more understanding or see it through a different perspective. And so they challenge, I think, the parts of you that still need to be challenged to grow. So that's been the best for me.


    [0:20:09] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I definitely think you pick someone that can trigger those things that you still need to look at, and it's your choice to lean in and do the work and take risks.


    [0:20:19] Tess: Exactly.


    [0:20:20] Brianne Davis: Because I believe if you don't work it out with a healthy partner, that you're just going to be replaying those scenarios with the next person.


    [0:20:30] Tess: Exactly. You're going to replay the same tapes until you figure out how it goes. Yeah, the ego. Ego is happening. There's so much ego and everything that we do as humans, it's like, what best serves me. It's all about me, the whole thing. And then for the first time in my life, when I went through treatment or recovery, it's not so much about me. How can I be of service to you? That's really all it's about. Right. And the whole reason the program exists is so we can pass what we know and help another alcoholic or addict in need.


    [0:21:02] Brianne Davis: Well, that's why I do this podcast. Honestly, I'm only doing it to help others that don't have a voice and don't know how to get out of their ego because they're edging. The edging gods got out. Exactly. And just so you're listening, listeners, everything we're saying, if you would have said to me, like, ten years ago, I would have laughed in your face.


    [0:21:24] Tess: You can tell that we both done some level of work, because it's very understanding that if you would have said this to me at 21, I've been like, what are you on?


    [0:21:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah, life, get out of here. It's a cult.


    [0:21:34] Tess: It's 100% I'm like, I don't relate to any of this.


    [0:21:39] Brianne Davis: And my last question for you, and it's for the listeners especially a younger 23 year old. 22 year old, 21 year old is struggling with excessive alcohol in the lifestyle and all that you encountered what would be your advice for them if they are finding that whole finding that they don't really like themselves or they don't know what's wrong?


    [0:22:03] Tess: Well, it's interesting, right? Because I never once thought that it could possibly be due to alcohol. I was life. I actually felt better when I was drinking, but then I'd be coming home, and I feel hungover the next day, right? And then I would feel worse. And it was just the spiral. Spiral. I kind of felt like, you know, life in Wonderland when she falls down the rabbit hole, I felt like I was always in that free fall. I remember drawing that when they say, draw a picture of Disney figure that you feel like your life relates to. And that's what I drew. I just felt like I was always falling down. And so sometimes I feel like if you've never been around a or things of that nature, you necessarily wouldn't know. Sometimes people are like, hey, I heard your story, or, you want to come to a meeting with me? I didn't have any friends that were in recovery, obviously, because your circle, you kind of are who your circle is, right? People I was hanging around weren't talking about a meetings.


    [0:23:02] Tess: That wasn't my conversation. And so it wasn't until it was such a blessing for people to go to treatment, and I went for literally depression, trauma, and anxiety. And it was so funny because when you were there, you're like, hi, I'm Ted. I'm an alcoholic addict. I was literally there for everything but physical pain because I didn't have any broken bones or major surgeries. So I was in every single program, like addiction, alcoholism, trauma, depression, anxiety, all these different things. But I learned so much from learning. That is how I learned that it was really alcohol and my relationship to alcohol and my relationship to myself that drove me to drinking. That was what I needed to look at. And so I think for me, I was turning to using and drinking because I didn't do the work yet. You know what I mean? I wasn't exposed to doing the work, and I guess I wasn't ready to, otherwise it would have happened earlier, but I had no idea how much work it would take to learn how to that's the only thing that fills the hole is doing the work.


    [0:24:09] Brianne Davis: Oh, yeah.


    [0:24:11] Tess: It's the only thing. And when I started doing that, then I started feeling better, and I was like, okay, this is directly correlated 100%.


    [0:24:22] Brianne Davis: I always say that work you do on yourself, that nobody can take it from you. Nothing on the outside can take it. If your fiance or my husband leaves me or anything. The work you do on yourself is yours and yours alone.


    [0:24:37] Tess: 100%. It's yours and yours alone for forever. Yeah. And that is such a strong thing, I think, and the ability to stay sober through hard things and that just keeps adding to that, you know what I mean? Now, it's what I'm most proud of and it's what I hold probably nearest and dearest to me, in terms of someone who's young and thinking that they might be struggling with the same things, I would suggest life hopping on a meeting and seeing if that's the space where you relate the most. Because it wasn't until I started hearing other stories where I really was like, oh, that's me. I saw myself and other people, I heard similar stories and I was like, hey, it's not the same exact thing, but I can relate to you. I can relate to the same underlying feelings. And that's just why I think the program is so special and why it's so great and help so many people. Because we're all kind of the same but different.


    [0:25:29] Brianne Davis: No, we're all the same. We all have fears of abandonment. We all want to be loved, we all want to feel worthy. And all those things is humans want to feel for sure. Well, thank you for coming on and sharing your story with us.


    [0:25:42] Tess: It is just thank you so much. For having me and I'm so grateful. For you for doing I'm so grateful for having this and being able to share the story on your platform. So thank you so much for having me.


    [0:25:53] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time!


    Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe, write, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlefenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    26m | Mar 13, 2023
  • Amelia: I Kept My Abuse As A Child & As An Adult A Secret For Years

    Have you ever wanted to share a secret but felt you couldn't? On the Secret Life Podcast, we explore the stories of people who have done just that and how their experience changed their lives. From hearing Brianne Davis talk about her journey in getting sober to listening to Amelia discuss her abusive relationship, we're here to make sure you know you're not alone. Tune in and start your journey to self-acceptance, connection, and freedom today.

    *Trigger Warning: Please note that this episode contains the topic of suicide. Some people may find it disturbing. 

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    To find more about Amelia, head over to https://selflovestory.com

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)




    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Amelia: Like, I think of Secret as, like, these energetic rocks that you carry in your heart, and the more that you hold on to them, the heavier life gets.


    [0:00:17] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

    Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today, my guest is Amelia. Now, Amelia, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    [0:01:30] Amelia: I love the drum roll. Thanks. Actually, I'm really proud to say today that my secret is I have no secret. I know. No, it wasn't always that way, though. It's a big reason why I love what you're doing with this podcast, because I definitely was a woman of many, many secrets for a long, long time.


    [0:01:58] Brianne Davis: Well, first of all, I have to give you a gold star for putting all your crap out there. But my question for you is, when did you decide to let go of all that package?


    [0:02:12] Amelia: And Secret Life would have to say letting go. Like I said, I had many secrets for years.


    [0:02:22] Brianne Davis: Can you tell us some of your old secret?


    [0:02:25] Amelia: Yeah. One of them was that I was abused a lot when I was a little girl, and I didn't share that. It's not because I didn't want to necessarily. It's just because our culture had me believe that I was okay life, it didn't matter. And that, oh, well, it happened a long time ago, so I don't need to look at that and I don't need to talk about it. Clearly, that was wrong.


    [0:02:56] Brianne Davis: Clearly that stays in your body. And when you experience any kind of abuse, if you don't go through it and figure it out, it stays with you. I mean, mine did, for sure, and.


    [0:03:08] Amelia: I had no idea that that was the case at all. And other ones that are kind of like lighter and fun and squirmy is like when I start to have feelings for a friend and life, romantic feelings for a friend, and I just put that all out there too. Now I make it a point, really, to not hold on to any secrets. And the reason why I decided to do that and I started letting them go for the last ten years. Now it takes a while sometimes to start letting them all go because I really learned that holding onto secrets, it holds our power and it has me walk through life heavier and unable to really enjoy connections with people or even my success because there's always that thing weighing you down. I think of secrets as like these energetic rocks that you carry in your heart, and the more that you hold on to them, the heavier life gets. And so once I started letting them go and feeling the difference that life could be being lighter and having more joy and connection and intimacy, that's when I was like, you know what? No more secrets. I'm putting it all out there and I'm freeing myself. It's really about freeing myself and also in freeing other people too.


    [0:04:33] Brianne Davis: What do you mean?


    [0:04:34] Amelia: Well, because it's like when I share something that's personal to me and another person can relate to it, maybe they share it too, and it frees them. Or even just hearing that they're not alone. It frees 100%.


    [0:04:51] Brianne Davis: I mean, that's why I wanted to do this podcast. You know, I let go of this really big secret and I thought the world was going to end and nothing happened. I was like, Wait, nobody really cares? Not that they didn't care, but nobody was like, oh, shame on you, you're a horrible person. And it just made me realize how freeing that felt and it connected me to other people so much more. And that's why I want to do that.


    [0:05:21] Amelia: Absolutely.


    [0:05:22] Brianne Davis: But I want to ask, do you remember one of the first big secrets you let go of? Where you felt that weight kind of lift?


    [0:05:31] Amelia: Oh, yeah. I want to say it was life ten years ago, and I was with some close friends and I don't remember what prompted me to share this, but I had actually I was in a very abusive relationship in college from life ages 19 to 21.


    [0:05:52] Brianne Davis: Was it abusive emotionally or physically all?


    [0:05:57] Amelia: It started off verbally and then mentally he would get in my head and then it eventually got really physical. And when it got physical, that's when I really, really felt trapped. And I didn't tell anybody. I was going to school, taking my test, hanging out with friends, acting like nothing was wrong.


    [0:06:16] Brianne Davis: Why did you keep that a secret?


    [0:06:21] Amelia: I don't even know. I was just so ashamed that people would know that I was so stupid enough to get into that situation. And I was also just so afraid of him that my life was consumed by my fear of him and by trying to not make him mad and trying to just make sure that he stays happy. And then when he was mad, it would be a big blow up. So my life was also just consumed by that as well, that I couldn't really I didn't have time to really tell anybody else. But then I didn't want my friends or my family or people to look at me a certain way or be disappointed in me or think like, oh, you're supposed to be smart and you're supposed to know what you're doing and how did you end up in this relationship? And he also would convince me to not tell people life, oh, are you really going to let people know that I'm a horrible person? You know that I'm not bad, you know that I love you and that's.


    [0:07:29] Brianne Davis: How manipulative it's like mind game and I love you. I didn't mean but I do have a question about that and I'm curious. Do you think the mental and emotional abuse was worse than the physical or I know all of it is bad, I just want to know which was harder for you to move past.


    [0:07:48] Amelia: Definitely the mental and the emotional because that gets deep in the soul and deep in all the cracks of my insecurities. And also I think that's what broke me down to even get to the point where it got physical. And one thing that I say to people about this because people don't understand like, oh, well if he hits you then you can just leave. It's not that simple. Life. Abusive relationships go on for as long as they do because it's like a little by little conditioning that happens that then just becomes a habit. And then it's like, this is just how the relationship is. And it's like all this pile of shame built on top and secret and lies and trying to hide. And then it becomes this really big convoluted web that feels really hard to get out of.


    [0:08:41] Brianne Davis: Yeah, you're life isolated and alone because you're not sharing that with anybody. I also had a really good friend a long time ago. Her husband almost killed her and went to jail. And as soon as he got out, she went and went back to him and no one could understand. But when I talked to her, she said the exact same thing. It was like this complex situation that all this shame and isolation and all that.


    [0:09:08] Amelia: Yeah, it really becomes a really strong attachment that it doesn't make logical sense, but if there's like a conditioning around it that's like, this is what I know, so this is what I'm going to go back to and oh gosh, I have such empathy for that, to go back to that person. But thankfully for me, I definitely broken away from him for good. But actually I did go back again.


    [0:09:36] Brianne Davis: You did?


    [0:09:38] Amelia: Briefly for a couple of night fling.


    [0:09:43] Brianne Davis: Did anybody know about that or is that actually secret?


    [0:09:46] Amelia: No, that's the secret we got. You.


    [0:09:52] Brianne Davis: Not like that's a great thing. No, but I'm saying we all have these little things we just don't tell people. And you think you're life light and free and done with secrets, but really? We still hold secrets sometimes.


    [0:10:05] Amelia: Yeah, no, I said I have no secret, knowing that I probably do, but yeah, so we can always uncover or something. But yeah, actually, as I was saying it to you, I was like, oh, my gosh, I actually never told anyone about that. So that's technically a secret. Well, now I told you, so now it's out there.


    [0:10:26] Brianne Davis: Now you're free of it. But you were talking about the moment, that moment where you let that big one go. I think it was about this relationship.


    [0:10:34] Amelia: Yeah. And the other big part of that secret was that when I was in such a desperate moment to get away from him, when he was really like, berating me and emailing me and texting me and calling me and I was trying to get away, like, I really was. And he was saying things like, you're worthless and you should just kill yourself, and you're so selfish, and all these life terrible bad names that start with B's and C's and FS and all of that. And I was so desperate, I didn't know what to do. I just went to the store and I bought all this ad bill and pills and nightclub and I drank a bunch of it and I just wanted to get away. I didn't want to take my life. It was an interesting thing to explain to the doctors because as soon as I did that, I immediately went to a friend and I was like, I need you to take me to the hospital. This is what I just did.


    [0:11:35] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:11:37] Amelia: And so that was the other big part of the secret that I let go in that moment. And I think that's probably what sparked me to say that, because I think it was a group of close friends and we were just like, naturally revealing stuff to each other. And someone mentioned something about thoughts of suicide and things like that. And I mentioned I attempted it once and so then I told them the whole story and why, but it was really like a cry for help for me because I did not want to take my life. I just wanted to do something to be like, leave me alone. Kind of like a scream for help.


    [0:12:15] Brianne Davis: I mean, I remember my first year when I was getting sober in my program. I didn't want to be on this earth. I didn't want to commit suicide, but I definitely wanted to crawl out of my skin, not be on this earth because the pain and everything I was experiencing was too much. And it sounds like similar thing. You were in this painful situation with this person that was abusing you and you could not get out of it, and you just didn't want to be here anymore for that.


    [0:12:44] Amelia: Yeah, I love that. Thank you for describing it that way because it just sounded weird to me to be like, okay, so you went to the store, you bought all this stuff, but you didn't want to commit suicide. And it was like, no, I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I just wanted him to stop. And he wouldn't stop. If I was crying, if I was screaming, if I was hitting at him, throwing things, life, stop, stop. He would not stop. And so, yeah, I just didn't want to feel that anymore. Yeah. So hard. Dark times.


    [0:13:16] Brianne Davis: Dark times. And listen, I'm sure the listeners, we all have them, we've all been through our own journeys, but I think that's beautiful that you cried for help and then you shared it. And that moment of letting go, was it euphoric or was there, like, a crash afterwards?


    [0:13:39] Amelia: I definitely think one of my favorite terms is vulnerability hangover, where after you share something really deep and real and the next day you're like, oh, my gosh, did that just happen? I believe I probably had a little bit of that the next day. But in the moment, to be with those close friends and to be received with love, and they didn't try to fix anything or change anything or even say anything. It was just to be heard and witnessed and loved. I mean, that yeah, it felt as euphoric as like as if there was a big boulder on my chest and someone finally lifted it off. I felt like I could load for a second because it was like, oh, my gosh, I let that go. Yeah. Even just describing it, I feel it again, and I'm just like, that's so good. It feels so good.


    [0:14:31] Brianne Davis: It's the best feeling. And when I was even asking people to be on this, they're life. I'm not comfortable sharing it. And I'm saying this to you, I'm not saying who these people were, but I was like, you will feel so much better, life. No one will know it's you. I promise. It will be so much lighter. And they're like, I'm not ready. And I was like, okay. To each his own.


    [0:14:51] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. I think when we're carrying so much, like I said, I used to have a lot of secret, and I was just so used to it. But I think when that first big boulder got removed, it was like, oh, I can do this. And I think, too, the thing to remember is you don't want to tell the world everything. I think it's also knowing who is safe and who will be there to witness their secret. Or even on a podcast like this, where you can be anonymous. I think that's also very healing, where it's like hundreds of people can hear it and they don't even have to know it's you. But even just saying it out loud is so freeing. Yeah, absolutely.


    [0:15:39] Brianne Davis: So you said you've gone through this process and you've let go of all these secrets, and it's been years, life. My journey has been like, eleven years. And so each time you did it, what came about? Is there something specific? Like, each time you let go, you felt, like, a little different?


    [0:16:00] Amelia: Yeah. Each time I let go, even if it was like little ones or big ones, I would feel a little bit freer, a little bit lighter, a little bit life, more possibility, a little bit more loved. Especially if I was letting it go to someone, another human being, and then having them just witness it and hear it. It just was like, there's just that moment where I'm like, I can really let that go now. I really don't have to carry that and have that in the back of my mind, because the energy that it takes to hide these things, we don't think it takes a lot of energy until we do let it go, and we're like, whoa, that would take a lot of energy.


    [0:16:47] Brianne Davis: It takes so much energy, and it also keeps you so disconnected from other people. That's what I felt like I felt every time I had a secret. Even if it was like a teeny thing you would never thought would keep you separate from someone, but it does.


    [0:17:02] Amelia: It's kind of like where you have the pebble in your shoe and no one else can see it, and you could easily pretend to walk and be like, whatever else, I don't feel like taking my shoe off right now, so I'll just keep walking. But little by little, it'll start to get at your foot and eventually probably cut it up or just be really uncomfortable. And it's not impossible to walk with that, and no one else will know unless you're like, there's a pebble in my shoe. So it's kind of like that, but it's really annoying. And the more you walk with it, the worse it'll feel over time, until you're finally like, oh, my gosh, I lost a toe. I guess I should have removed that pebble a long time ago.


    [0:17:44] Brianne Davis: Or you get, like, a callus, and then it starts life building up that hard skin as I was like, you're building up that hard shell on your outside. People are like, please don't talk about feet right now. But that's what I keep thinking of.


    [0:17:58] Amelia: Life.


    [0:17:58] Brianne Davis: Every little secret, every little lie just builds a shell around yourself.


    [0:18:04] Amelia: Yes. And yeah, you might be, quote, unquote, protected. However, it's also keeping you from life. The love and the joy and connection you can feel. And even with the closest people in your life, that actually adds to the pain. So now you're carrying this weight of all these rocks for, like, mixing metaphors here, but you're carrying the weight of all these rocks, but now you're wearing all these layers, and you're just underneath all these layers, and you can't actually feel people anymore to the extent that you're but then you get used to it. And then you wonder, why am I so unhappy? Life there could be alone.


    [0:18:42] Brianne Davis: Why am I so alone? Why do I feel uncomfortable?


    [0:18:47] Amelia: And it's like, well, years and years of conditioning yourself to build those layers and carry those rocks and that weight. That's why it's myself. Just let it go.


    [0:18:57] Brianne Davis: But here's my question for you, because I know you're starting to work with this, like, self love and helping people find their authentic, true selves. But my question for you and I always and I already kind of know the answer when I answer it myself, but from your perspective, when people are struggling, why do they have so much trouble asking for help when they have these secrets that they know they need help with? Why can't people ask for help?


    [0:19:26] Amelia: Well, I think one of the big things is we're conditioned not to. I mean, from the time at least here in the United States, because this is where I went to school from the time you're in first grade, you're conditioned not to cheat, quote, unquote, which means you're conditioned not to ask other people for help. Like from the time we're six years old, we're taught, oh, if you ask someone else for help, that means you weren't good enough to do it on your own. And I think our schooling system, a lot of our schooling systems condition us that way and our culture, too. It's like there's this sense of pride and life completing something on your own and doing it all yourself, and this belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness and also just the vulnerability of sharing your true, authentic emotions. Life it's interesting how when we talk about if I'm crying, that means I'm falling apart or crying is weakness. So there's all these associations that we have with things that are actually really natural, but then we attach like a negative meaning to it. And actually, one of my friends, we were talking about something random today because the time that we're recording this, it's raining here in New York City, which is where I am right now. And we were talking about how, oh, it's so ugly outside. And then we were like, isn't that interesting how rain and thunderstorms are so natural, yet we call it ugly.


    [0:20:49] Brianne Davis: Oh, I don't I love when it rains. I love weather storms. But that is interesting because people are like, oh, it's gross outside. And I'm like, the earth is cleaning itself. I think it's beautiful, right?


    [0:21:02] Amelia: And I think thunderstorms are with the darkness and then the lightning and the sound, it's beautiful. But it's interesting. Life, when we notice as something as simple as the weather, that we attach a negative meaning to something that's natural. So crying, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling jealous, feeling greedy, life, all of those things are natural things. And then it's like, oh, if you're crying, you're falling apart, you're weak if you're sad. And that's showing your weakness. And that means that they win life, there's just this win, lose, good, bad.


    [0:21:36] Brianne Davis: Instead of it just being neutral, just is what it is. You're sad today. You're feeling your feelings today. And the beautiful thing and I'm trying to teach my son, too, that we're talking about life, feeling your emotions and crying that I allow him to cry. I'm like, I know you're upset. It's okay, because I don't want those feelings to get trapped in him. Like, it happened to me, it's happened to other especially young boys.


    [0:22:03] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. Especially. That's so beautiful. I love that.


    [0:22:09] Brianne Davis: But here's the next question. I only have a couple more, but what do you think the benefit is that people keep secrets? And what do you think the harm it causes them, from your perspective?


    [0:22:27] Amelia: The benefit of keeping secrets is you avoid the negative reaction or the backlash that you will get. That's kind of why a little bit earlier I mentioned about there is such a thing as, like, revealing too much and also revealing to the wrong people. And so I think we keep them because we don't know how the other person is going to react. And I'm reminded of a wonderful Brene Brown quote about vulnerability, where it's like vulnerability is about showing up authentically exactly as you are. I'm paraphrasing, even though we don't know what the outcome is going to be. And so the benefit, though, life, for example, life, me not telling a friend that I've fallen in love with him, the benefit is that I don't have to face potential rejection if he doesn't feel the same way.


    [0:23:16] Brianne Davis: Right, right.


    [0:23:18] Amelia: But the harm it does is that's another rock that I'm holding on to. And also he doesn't know that someone loves him in that way. So I think any secret you could probably find life a benefit and a harm.


    [0:23:35] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:23:35] Amelia: And so with my big secret, the benefit I guess I got was I didn't know what would happen if everybody knew that I was in this abusive relationship life. What were they going to be? Cops coming to my house and people asking me all kinds of questions and being like, why did you get together with him? Why didn't you tell us sooner? I think we just make up this we think of the worst case scenario of what could happen when we reveal the secret. And so we want to avoid that worst case scenario, and that's why we don't reveal. And so we think that's a benefit, but really it's the harm. Yeah, and then the harm, there's harm to yourself because you're holding on to it. That pebble that's going to eventually cut you up or create calluses and stuff. And also, there's so many ways that it could harm other people in your life as well.


    [0:24:29] Brianne Davis: And my last question for you is if someone else was going through the situation that you went through, or what would be the advice, like, letting go of your secrets for people.


    [0:24:40] Amelia: Yeah, I really love this question and the first tiniest step you can do is admitting the secret to yourself. Even if you say it out loud to yourself. Or maybe it's even too hard to say it out loud, although that's what I would recommend because hearing your own voice and feeling it released from your body physically will also release it. You don't necessarily have to tell someone else, but even if you just life write it down at first. For me, when I'm feeling sad, sometimes it's really melancholy because I have life a tendency towards melancholy and sometimes I just have to say out loud, like to myself in my room, like I'm sad, I'm really sad or I'm heartbroken. And even just saying it out loud to myself relieves a lot of that weight. And so I would say don't feel pressured to life, tell the world or hop on a podcast or scream from the come on, but also definitely come onto the podcast. But I'll say a tiny step, right, would be to first admit it to yourself. And then I think from there a natural next step would be who's a trusted friend or trusted advisor or mentor that you can reveal it to. Because I will say too, revealing it to another human being is so freeing. So more than admitting it to yourself and you can say to them, I just need you to listen and love me, I don't need a solution, I don't need a fix or whatever, right? But just please, while you sit, I'm about to reveal something that's really big and just have them witness and love you through it. But first step to yourself if it feels like too much and then get on brief show.


    [0:26:37] Brianne Davis: Yes. Then come on and reveal it to me because I have no judgment.


    [0:26:42] Amelia: Exactly.


    [0:26:43] Brianne Davis: Well, if people wanted to find you, find out what you're doing now to build the self love to letting go of past trauma, where would they find you?


    [0:26:52] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. So my website is selflovestory.com. So just all one word, selflovestory.com. And when you go there, there's a ton of free resources. I actually just revamped my website where you can look at three different categories dating and relationships, career and business or money and abundance. And when you click whichever category you want, there's like free videos, podcasts, blogs, all kinds of just free resources there for you to devour. And I'm really happy because this is a recent new revamp of my website. I know sometimes it takes a lot to reach out to someone. There's always a possibility to reach out to me through my website, but I know that that's a big step sometimes. So I like to just give the resources that you can read and listen to and there's a lot, a lot there for you.


    [0:27:45] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your past secret and also revealing a new secret that you didn't even know you were carrying.


    [0:27:54] Amelia: I know you're really good at this. Definitely get on the show, guys. Well, thank you.


    [0:28:00] Brianne Davis: I appreciate it so much.


    [0:28:02] Amelia: You're welcome. Thank you for having me on.


    [0:28:05] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLife Podcast@icloud.com. Until next time.

    Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you would like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    28m | Mar 6, 2023
  • Alexandra: I Suffered Verbal Abuse in My Marriage

    Alexandra and Brianne explore the hidden epidemic of verbal abuse. Hear Alexandra’s story of marriage, trauma, and recovery. Gain insight into how to identify and escape verbal abuse. Learn ways to process the experience and regain joy. From understanding the danger of verbal abuse to setting healthy boundaries, this podcast offers a necessary and empowering journey of healing.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    ABOUT OUR GUEST:

    Alexandra Eva-May is a divorcee, podcast host, wellness warrior, mental health advocate, new mother, survivor of infertility, writer, blogger, motivational speaker and recently, a best-selling author of the book, Her Awakening. You can grab your copy on Amazon!

    For more info: https://www.thesplendidpath.com/

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Alexandra: So for me, like, for a long time after, like, any kind of conflict with a man is just like hugely triggering. Because my experience was this will lead to someone saying these awful things to you.


    [0:00:18] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to see your life podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing.


    [0:01:19] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where and why would it all. Today. My guest is Alexandra. Now, Alexandra, I have a question for you. Duhn, Duhn Duhn. What is your secret?


    [0:01:33] Alexandra: So my secret is that when I was married, I was suffering verbal abuse silently within my marriage and I didn't tell anyone that it was my secret.


    [0:01:45] Brianne Davis: How long did that go on for?


    [0:01:47] Alexandra: It was over the extent of the marriage and the marriage wasn't very long. I was married for about a year, I guess, that we were together, living together. The marriage continued. Like, we didn't get a divorce right away, but we were together for about a year and it went on throughout kind of the whole time.


    [0:02:03] Brianne Davis: How long were you guys together, though, before you got married together?


    [0:02:09] Alexandra: We were together probably before the marriage, I think it was six or seven years.


    [0:02:14] Brianne Davis: Oh, wow. So you waited.


    [0:02:19] Alexandra: We started dating when we were, I think we were like 23, 22, 23. So young. Yeah, and then we just kind of dated. We even lived together for three years before we got married. And then we got married and then it started happening. So it was crazy.


    [0:02:39] Brianne Davis: You know, that's so fascinating because I thought, honestly, you were going to say after you said that you guys were together for like six months and then you got together and got married and I was like, oh, did you not know the person? Because I feel like a lot of people rush into things not knowing. But you knew the person.


    [0:02:56] Alexandra: Yeah. And the thing with what I experienced, he could be that way with, say, friends or even family members, but he never did it to me. So in my young, immature, naive brain, I thought, well, he's not doing it to me, so it's okay. Well, he's never okay. And that would be like one thing I would say to any man or woman because it can happen to anyone.


    [0:03:21] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:03:22] Alexandra: What they do to other people or what they say to other people. And in my context of man. So, like, what a man does to other people or women he will do to you in your marriage even if he's not doing it before when you're dating, it will eventually you will become the target.


    [0:03:38] Brianne Davis: Can you give me some examples? Because I know people are listening out there and even if they're experienced it, there's something about we downplay it to ourselves because we don't want to believe that it's happening for sure.


    [0:03:51] Alexandra: So when it was happening throughout my life, nobody had spoken to me like that or treated me like that ever. So when it started to happen that way, it just felt so foreign. I didn't know how to make sense of it. So again, yeah, I just kind of downplayed it in my mind. But it was subtle things. Like subtle, like sarcastic, jabs, passive aggressive comments. But it can also be really overt things. Like with him, like being called a bitch or being told, like, there's something inherently wrong with you. And so it's like these we sometimes say these things very loosely, I guess. But when it's targeted at you from the person that's supposed to love you the most, it's so unsettling and it just unsettles your idea about yourself.


    [0:04:34] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:04:39] Alexandra: It would come when there was a conflict in the relationship and he was in a place of stress and that's how he dealt with it. I understand. So for me, for a long time after, any kind of conflict with a man is just, like, hugely triggering. Because my experience was this will lead to someone saying these awful things to you.


    [0:04:58] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Because you guys were together for six years and you saw him call, like, other people bitches or talk bad about other people in his life or coworkers or whatever. Right?


    [0:05:11] Alexandra: Yeah, it could be, say, I have seen it. He would talk about not my female friends, necessarily, but, like, female sometimes that were strong will and he would say, called him a bitch. And at the time, like I said, it's not okay. It's never okay to use that language towards anybody, especially women. But like I said, I was young, I was naive, I was in love. And I kind of was like, oh, well, he doesn't mean it. He doesn't actually believe it. But now, looking back, he probably did. And eventually I became the target.


    [0:05:50] Brianne Davis: So why do you think that happened? Because you were finally, completely committed to him and, like, the marriage. Do you even remember the first time it happened?


    [0:06:01] Alexandra: Sort of like I kind of do. Yes, actually, I do. It was about, I think, three months in and I can't remember the specific incident. It's crazy. I can remember because it led to trauma. I can very much remember how I felt. And I can relive moments of the moment, but I can't remember all the details, which is kind of interesting.


    [0:06:24] Brianne Davis: Not really, because we black it out when there's trauma or ptsd, when there's, like, a bad breakup or bad toxic relationship that creates trauma in our body, and we cut off some of our memory to make it easier for our psyche to handle.


    [0:06:40] Alexandra: Yeah. Three months in. Like I said, it just is so foreign. And it's just like, all of a sudden, it's like being hit without being hit, and then you have this invisible wound, but no burgess to show for it. That's how I kind of look at it. So it kept happening. And then eventually, when we did split up, I had so much trauma. And I just thought it was from the end of my marriage, because it was quite sudden, which was very it was traumatic itself. But there was so much trauma for years that was just about the verbal abuse. And I didn't realize that actually till like, a year ago when I was having I would have sometimes conflict with my partner, which we do. Like in a relationship, we have conflict. And I would have these massive overreactions.


    [0:07:28] Brianne Davis: Over hysterical historical hysterical historical.


    [0:07:37] Alexandra: Classic trauma reactions. Like, I would need to go to an enclosed space. I would close the bathroom door. I would flee, get a fight fight or flight fight.


    [0:07:53] Brianne Davis: I always ran to the bathroom and shut the door whenever I was in conflict.


    [0:07:58] Alexandra: Yeah. And then it would get to the point. Also, sometimes I would fight. I would just react extreme. And then I just sat in that and we sarah and he was like, Why am I reacting? And I realized I still had a lot of trauma to work through. And my trigger, like I said, was a conflict with any man, because with ix, I would either be called back or I would just avoid conflict altogether to avoid kind of that aggression coming at you. Yeah. And for him, he dealt with stress, like I said, anxiety and anger by lashing out. I'm not saying it's okay, but it helped me understand the whole experience, I guess.


    [0:08:41] Brianne Davis: Do you know if his parents fight like that or he was raised well.


    [0:08:47] Alexandra: His story his dad wasn't around, and I'm not sure, growing up how his family relationship was, but I would imagine he thought somewhere that it became okay.


    [0:09:02] Brianne Davis: Or when it became normalized.


    [0:09:05] Alexandra: Yeah. And in his life, too, because, like I said, I would sometimes see it with friends or whoever, and people kind of they didn't expect it from us, but they just are like, oh, that's just like him. It's okay. It's just him. And I think sometimes with people that have damaging behaviors or toxic behaviors or abusive behaviors, there's not enough people that say it's not okay.


    [0:09:29] Brianne Davis: Usually it's hard. It's hard. I think, when you just said earlier, and I want to go back to it, that it was like getting punched, but you don't see the bruise. And that's what I always say, like, those toxic behaviors, those toxic relationships when they're not physical, not that either is worse than the other, but it's like a million little cuts that you don't see that you're killing yourself with. Like someone's doing these little cuts all over you and you're bleeding out and you have no idea, and you can't see it 100%.


    [0:10:04] Alexandra: And I'm a big reader. I try to reading things. And after our relationship ended, I read this book. I think it's called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I believe that's the title. And she listed off all these different ways someone could be verbally abusive. And some of it's like that outright swearing at you, that kind of thing. But it's like little stuff, like yeah, like sarcastic comments about any kind of aspirations you have, or passive aggression or stonewalling gas lighting. Gas lighting. It's all kind of part of that. And I realized he didn't check off all the boxes, but it was a lot more than I even realized myself. And when I actually sat down and I remember one day after I wrote in my journal everything, I could remember all the different things he had said. And I couldn't believe the list that I compiled because I think in the moment when it was happening, I just tried to not black it out, but forget it real fast. The secret, I guess I didn't tell anybody till after because I was really ashamed. So I think and I think this is for, like, a lot of abuse survivors, whether it's physical or emotional, financial or verbal, we feel shame because we actively, I guess, chose this relationship.


    [0:11:25] Alexandra: We've got along with it, and even though someone's treating us badly, we continue to stay.


    [0:11:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:11:32] Alexandra: And so there's a shame that you're continuing to stay because abuse isn't black and white. Like this person that's doing these awful things. When you're being abused, you don't look at them as, like, a monster. You look at, like, their behavior. Like, this is like when you make.


    [0:11:45] Brianne Davis: Excuses and you, oh, he had a bad day at work. He lost his job. We couldn't pay that bill. You always make excuses and then you try to turn towards the moments. Oh, but he was so loving the day before. Or, he bought me that sweater or something. Yeah.


    [0:12:02] Alexandra: And if you have money I realized in this episode, I even made excuse. I was like, when he was stressed, he would do this. Which is kind of an excuse because.


    [0:12:08] Brianne Davis: It'S never yeah, you said it three times. She said it three times. You're still trying to justify the abuse. And you're like, I know, I understand. He's probably going through a lot. And it's like, no, he didn't.


    [0:12:26] Alexandra: Even pass that. I realized what he did and that it was wrong. And sitting here making excuses. So I think you feel shame, or at least I did, because well, first of all, if you tell people, if you start telling people they're going to tell you to leave, they're going to right away say leave. And maybe you're not in a position to leave, whether it's like kids or whatever.


    [0:12:46] Brianne Davis: And financial.


    [0:12:49] Alexandra: You'Re just, like, not ready to throw in a towel or something.


    [0:12:51] Brianne Davis: Or a love addict. There's a lot of people that stay in those relationships because they're addicted to that person.


    [0:12:58] Alexandra: Yeah. And for me, well, I was raised in a Catholic family, so I had that. We were married, and I wasn't super young, but I was, like, 29, which is young, is in the marriage sector. I wasn't 50 or anything. So I also felt like I couldn't leave because I just sort of gotten married, and I felt like I was young to be going through a divorce. And there was a lot of shame with a divorce itself. And I felt so shamed that someone was treating me like this. And I let it be okay, sort of because I didn't leave.


    [0:13:35] Brianne Davis: Yeah, but here's the thing, and I also is it because you were just married, too? Because it happened pretty quick. Usually it doesn't happen so fast.


    [0:13:45] Alexandra: Yeah, that was kind of crazy because.


    [0:13:48] Brianne Davis: I remember someone that was in a bad relationship and they just got married, and she's like, we just spent all this money on the wedding. And I was like, who cares? But it's hard to tell someone when they're wanting something to work so badly.


    [0:14:02] Alexandra: Well, yeah, and like I mentioned earlier, we had been together for six or seven years, lived together for three years, and so, like, people exactly, they were like, didn't you know? Like, how could you not know? And even my mom asked me that. Like, how could you not know? And it was like, well, yeah, I saw the sign, but I was never the victim. I was never the target until we got married. And then, yeah, like you said, it happened so fast. So I felt like, how could I get married and then just split up so fast? I would feel so embarrassed about it. Even though you're right, like, who cares?


    [0:14:35] Brianne Davis: Now?


    [0:14:35] Alexandra: I don't care if I ever ended that relationship again, I will leave like this.


    [0:14:40] Brianne Davis: But you're right, you can't tell people to leave, because I work with a lot of people, and I can't ever tell them to leave. I can say, I suggest this. This is what should be. This is how you should talk. But you can't make someone leave a bad situation. You just can't.


    [0:14:55] Alexandra: And sometimes I think you're also so connected to that person, and so you protect them. That's the big thing with abuse, too. We protect our abusers. And so someone's saying you should just leave sometimes feels like a bit of an attack, even though you're not you're trying to help and you're trying to tell them, no, you need to go. But I think if you're suffering it at the time, it can feel, and then you can just turn into the relationship more. Because you're like oh, yeah.


    [0:15:23] Brianne Davis: Because you're like, yeah, you stick it out, and then you kind of start blocking out other people and just trying to focus, like, fixing this relationship, which you can't fix the person. Right. Did you do that towards the end or anything?


    [0:15:36] Alexandra: No, I think because I hadn't experienced abuse in my life. I was raised by relatively healthy parents, and my friends were all very healthy for the most part in life.


    [0:15:48] Brianne Davis: Come on, come on, please. I believe everybody has some sort of ism. Everybody goes some place where they don't want to feel their feeling.


    [0:15:59] Alexandra: That's true. Yes.


    [0:16:00] Brianne Davis: Don't believe her. everybody's got problems.


    [0:16:05] Alexandra: Yeah, that's true. But I just had never been abused. I guess I just didn't have that understanding. So when it was happening, it was just so boring, and it was just felt so extreme. So for me, instead of trying to fix him, I weathered it for a while, and I thought in my head, maybe this will change. I didn't do anything on my end to change him. I guess I just thought, maybe it will stop. And then just like, it didn't. And I was just like and at one point, it just like in one of our interactions, it was an episode of verbal abuse, and I was just like I had been kind of pushing it down and pushing it down, just dealing with it, and then I literally exploded. I remember that incident. I was just like, you know what? I want a divorce. And then I just got my stuff and I left.


    [0:16:54] Brianne Davis: Wait, you're the one that asked for divorce?


    [0:16:57] Alexandra: Yeah.


    [0:16:58] Brianne Davis: So what happened that got you to a place where you were like, Enough. What was that moment?


    [0:17:05] Alexandra: Well, I think it's like that fight or flight for the whole time it was happening, I was like, or avoiding. Right? Like, I was avoiding it, and I was, like, pushing it down. I guess I wasn't flying away, so I wasn't doing flight, but I was just, like, avoiding it.


    [0:17:19] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:17:19] Alexandra: And then that pushing down, eventually it kind of exploded in this incident. And that was like, the flight. Like, I want I want a divorce, but also flight because I just left.


    [0:17:27] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:17:27] Alexandra: But then I always thought in my head I might go back, even though I had said those words and I had laughed. I thought, well, maybe people reconcile, and maybe this will be the moment where he'll like, okay, I need to go to therapy and I figure this out. But he never really did, and he never really put in like, he I imagine in his mind, he thought he fought for the relationship after the marriage, but I didn't feel it. And so after we split up because it didn't there were still episodes of, like, sarcasm and passive aggression, and so I just kind of never went back. And then we had talks and stuff, but I just never returned to the marriage. And I just realized that I wanted not only more for myself, but I wanted kids. So I thought, if I'm going to have children, there's no way I would ever want them to be spoken to like that from their father. So if I want children, I need to end this marriage and seek out another relationship or whatever that looks like. And also just for me, even if I never had kids or never had another relationship, it's way better to be alone and feel sane and happy and healthy versus in a relationship where someone is making you not only not feel loved, but also, like, you start hating yourself. It was great. At the end of the relationship, I would talk to my best friend and just like, the words I was saying what myself were just so untrue.


    [0:18:53] Brianne Davis: Like, what were you saying?


    [0:18:54] Alexandra: So I was saying things like, I would be telling her stories, and then I would pause, like, but I'm just like, I'm not a good communicator. And she saw you, alex, my job as a teacher. I'm an elementary teacher. She's like you're a teacher. You talk the whole pace like you're not a bad communicator. Oh, okay. That's weird. Why am I saying this? Or maybe things like, I'm quite a sensitive person. She's like you're not. You're not sensitive.


    [0:19:29] Brianne Davis: Isn't it so funny that we try to turn it in on ourselves? Always, like, to take responsibility for someone else hurting us. We then turn it and twist it and make it about ourselves, like, there's something wrong with ourselves. Did you do that a lot at the end or during the relationship? After?


    [0:19:50] Alexandra: Yeah, it was crazy. That honestly, it was very traumatic. Obviously, I just pushed it away while it was happening, and then it was after the fact. After we split up, I had a full year of just a really dark depression. And during that time, it was just like I was just, like, saying horrible things to myself about myself. Like, no one's going to love you. Because he also told me that it's going to take a very special person to love me again.


    [0:20:18] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God, I want to strangle him right now. Everybody worse being loved. Like, if you're on this planet right now and you're born, you're worth loving. If anybody's telling anybody out there, that is the most abusive thing to say to somebody.


    [0:20:33] Alexandra: Yeah, it was stuff like that. Like I said, it was swearing. But it was also things like, there's something inherently wrong with you. It's going to take a special person to love you. There's something wrong with your family. So it took a long time of like, I believe these things, and then it took a while, and then I started seeing it to myself. I don't need to plug anything, but I have a book coming out. And in the book, I kind of talk about, like, I said these horrible things to myself after we split up for a long time, and I all of a sudden realized nobody's abusing me but myself. I was doing it.


    [0:21:10] Brianne Davis: I was the person to me, that's so fascinating. You just said that because I had a moment like that the other night, and I haven't talked about it, but I'm the villain of my story. I'm the one that speaks to myself the worse than anybody else. And I had this moment at 03:00 A.m. That I woke up and my subconscious was like, you're a loser. You're not good enough, all this stuff. And I literally was telling my brain, like, Stop. It's not true. But when other people tell you those things, you then start to believe them.


    [0:21:44] Alexandra: Yeah, and I think I wrote once, I said something like he had said words that planted invisible roots in my mind, and they were really hard to pull out. And I think that's what verbal abuse does and other abuse, but like, verbal abuse, it like, plants these roots and they grab your brain, and it's really hard to just pull them out and get them out of there because you're like, well, if they said it, there must be some truth to it. But there's not. Typically. There's not. Well, not usually. It's almost always about them. Always about them, not you.


    [0:22:19] Brianne Davis: Yeah. So you went through this dark, dark place. I mean, how dark did it go for you?


    [0:22:25] Alexandra: I talked about this online on social media and my blog. I went through depression and anxiety, and I was in a place like, I have suicidal ideation secretly again, that was another secret.


    [0:22:39] Brianne Davis: Here's another secret.


    [0:22:43] Alexandra: I remember that year after we split up, we still had the house we were trying to sell. And I'd be in that house, like, alone, and I would be coping by drinking, like, bottle after bottle of wine kind of thing, crying alone. And in those moments, I remember I had, like I thought I had written in my journal, like, I just want to, like, melt to the ground things. Like, I felt like I wanted to die.


    [0:23:06] Brianne Davis: Like disappear? Yeah.


    [0:23:07] Alexandra: Yeah, disappear. And I would sit there on the floor and I would like empty pill bottles. That's how I decided I would do it. And, like, every time I thought, okay, this is the time, I never did, because I didn't want to die. I realized what I wanted was to be free of what was going on in my mind. But at the time, I was suffering depression, so I couldn't logic that out at the time.


    [0:23:30] Brianne Davis: No, you can't. And that's the thing. I mean, I write about it in the book too. I love that you have a book coming out and telling your story. But it's like, I write about all these moments. You think about your death, and you're like, what is it going to be like? People are going to do this. Even at the beginning of my recovery, I talk about, like, I wish I wanted to just drive my car into the middle of the median just because I didn't want to feel this pain anymore. And you don't know what to do with it. The only thing I can say, and I think that's what you're saying, is you have to walk through it. You have to walk through that pain.


    [0:24:04] Alexandra: You have to. Otherwise it will continue to haunt you as long as you don't face it. If you can do it by yourself, great.


    [0:24:15] Brianne Davis: I don't know anybody that can do it by themselves. Because you can't fix your brain when your brain is what's? Sick.


    [0:24:23] Alexandra: Yeah, I need a therapy. Like, I need therapy. I didn't need pharmaceutical. That was something we talked about. But I decided in the moment, because event and experience created this, I thought, I can work through it in different ways. Because I hadn't been suffering, arguably, I hadn't had a chemical imbalance my whole life. So I was like, well, I'm going to try. And then that was always an option. Tosserize. But never had to. Which is I'm thankful I didn't have to, but I would have if it had continued, or if I had continued to have those intrusive thoughts. But yeah, just going through all that, I realized how traumatic verbal abuse really was. Because a lot of the trauma was from the divorce, but a lot of it was from this abuse.


    [0:25:10] Brianne Davis: I think, 100%. It's those invisible cuts, those invisible emotional cuts. I always think those are the hardest ones to, like you said, rip out the roof. Like, if someone hits you, you see the bruise, but if someone verbally abuses you, you can't see it. You can't say, See right here? When he said this, it made this mark on my soul or my face. You know what I mean?


    [0:25:33] Alexandra: Well, yeah, and I know this is going to sound crazy, sorry, I don't like that word, but kind of natty.


    [0:25:39] Brianne Davis: She's natty. I don't mind the word crazy people at all.


    [0:25:43] Alexandra: I've had people, I've used it before in reference to myself, and they got offended. So I don't want to offend anybody.


    [0:25:49] Brianne Davis: We offend people here all the time, and it's okay. We're all in this together.


    [0:25:54] Alexandra: Okay, good. But at the end of the relationship, I had wished that he had hit me, because then I'd have a bruise to show the evidence why I had to leave so fast from my marriage. And even during the marriage, there were moments where I was like, I wish you would just hit me. Because then I could be like, here's the bruise. Now you can see. You would for sure be like, oh, good. I'm glad you left. But verbal abuse, some people, they have a different, I guess, level of tolerance of it, too. Some people would be like, oh, he called you bitch. Like, that's not a big deal, whatever. Deal with it. Where other people would be like, that's horrible. Whereas physical abuse is very like, I think cut and dry people are like, no, leave. Which is that's why I say it's crazy. Like, I wish she had hit me, but at least then I'd have something to show.


    [0:26:39] Alexandra: Everything else shows invisible.


    [0:26:41] Brianne Davis: I've actually said that too. I've said that even with friendships. Because let's talk about friendships for a minute, which we never thought we were going to discuss. But even friendships, sometimes people abuse you or are a passive aggressive, like you said, and at moments, even with friendships. And I was like, I wish they just do something physical so I could get enough to work up the courage to leave. No, you should leave anyway. They're horrible up people. Like, they're abusive, but it's hard.


    [0:27:12] Alexandra: And friendships can sometimes be the hardest thing to break away from.


    [0:27:15] Brianne Davis: Oh, those are the worst, right? Friendship breakups are horrible. They are the worst pain I've ever been in.


    [0:27:25] Alexandra: And you will never be friends again. Like, even with a divorce or a breakup. Like, maybe one day you'll get back together, but likely not. But with a friendship, if you break up a friendship, you're probably done, because it's pretty extreme because people don't break up, they just sort of save each other out. Or there's a friendship break up. I was just talking about the other day about someone who has a friend that is arguably not treating them right, like being very passive aggressive and just saying weird things. And I said, you wouldn't tolerate it from your family, you wouldn't tolerate from your boyfriend, so why are you tolerating it from your friend? I think you need to establish a boundary with your friend and talk to this person, and hopefully they'll respond and realize, oh, my God, I'm being awful. And if they don't, then that's your evidence that you shouldn't be friends.


    [0:28:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I 100% agree. And that's what I think doing all this work for me is. It's like every relationship, it's just not about sex and love. It's literally every relationship.


    [0:28:23] Alexandra: Oh, for sure. Because a friendship can really if they're not treating you, that can just be awful.


    [0:28:30] Brianne Davis: It's just as bad. I believe it's just as bad. Now, you said you are now with someone, right? How is that? Obviously you've done the work, so that's the first thing you got to do the work afterwards because you'll take it into the next relationship, you'll bring that baggage. Correct?


    [0:28:47] Alexandra: Yes. And arguably before that, I should have done a bit more work. Like, I had done a lot of work, and I thought I was totally healed. And then when we had these consultants, I realized, well, maybe. There's a little bit more work to do.


    [0:29:00] Brianne Davis: Oh my God, that's so funny. I've literally done twelve years of intense work and I still get triggered by my husband. I'm like, there's another layer that I have to work on.


    [0:29:15] Alexandra: But it's been good. He's a deharta himself, so he understands that experience. And it's kind of funny. I'm kind of happy I ended up with someone who also went through that because we can kind of understand if stuff comes up, we can talk about it. And neither one of us is going to be like, oh, you're not over it. No, it's just this really crazy thing, extreme thing happened in both of our past, so we can kind of understand that. So he's super understanding. And sometimes if I do have a trigger and I overreact, I'll talk to him after it's done and the next day, I'm really sorry. And he was like, no, I understand. It's okay. And so he's so understanding and so he's kind of yeah, he's a great guy to be with, for me, for sure.


    [0:29:58] Brianne Davis: Yeah. But he doesn't fix it. That's the thing. You have to do it. You can't get into a good relationship because you won't know how to handle it because that trauma comes up. And one of the things we say is we tell each other like, okay, I'm getting really triggered. I don't know why right now. So I'm going to walk away and let's just put this on the table. Like that's what we said. We're like, time out. Something that's out. Or we use that word mistletoe, like mistletoe no more.


    [0:30:29] Alexandra: I love that.


    [0:30:32] Brianne Davis: It really does. Because there's something about you're going to get triggered. You're going to get triggered with your partner about family stuff, about things you haven't dealt with, your family, your friends, past relationships. And it's like you have to have that pause.


    [0:30:48] Alexandra: Yeah. And he's so good too. I didn't have, I guess, many serious relationships after my marriage. He was probably the most serious, but I had like, little things going on, relationships with people, and one of them, this guy would say if anything ever came up, and not even that much, but anything, he would refer to my ex husband as like a scumbag. That also was not a healthy response and it didn't help. It definitely didn't help because I was the one that married a scumbag. But then you feel bad, you're like, Well, I loved him. At some point he's like, that's not. And so with my now partner, he definitely even if I'm talking about these things that happen, he'll never take aim at him, which I appreciate it's more. Just like the things that happen and how I'm feeling and how I'm healing and stuff. Not nothing about him really calling him names, because that's just a sabbath, I think.


    [0:31:40] Brianne Davis: Oh, I love that because part of me wanted to call him a scumbag a couple of times and put an asshole like you know what I mean?


    [0:31:47] Alexandra: Like I wanted to say you can actually, I think I heard about that too. In my book, I say I'm a last call in the stomach and anybody that I give that privilege to can, but not some kind of dating doesn't have the right to say that.


    [0:32:01] Brianne Davis: Well, I know you have the blog with where's the blog so people can, if they want to reach out to you, if they're going through a similar thing, where can they reach you?


    [0:32:10] Alexandra: Yeah. So you can find me at the splendid Path. So www dot the splendidpath.com. And then I'm also pretty present on instagram at the alexandra. eva mae yay.


    [0:32:25] Brianne Davis: And one last question I have. If anybody out there is listening and they are in this type of relationship or feel like they are, they're not sure what would be your advice for them, like recognizing it, what would you wish you would have done?


    [0:32:39] Alexandra: So I think if you feel like you're in that type of relationship, you might be keeping it all to yourself, which does a lot of people do. I think the first step is to book therapy with a professional. You can do that now with the pandemic. There's so many people online. You can do it online, you can do it through an app even, or in person. I think some people are doing that. But focus therapy appointment to try to work through it with the professional. So that would be number one. And then number two, I think, realize that their behavior is not about you. It is about them. It is about how they handle whatever they're handling. It is completely about them. And what they're saying is not true. It's not true. It's a way to kind of take you down to make you feel as bad as they're probably feeling.


    [0:33:26] Alexandra: It's a way to like, erode your self confidence and it's not true. And you don't deserve that. And it would be better and healthier to be alone than to stay in this relationship or even seek out another one. It's healthier just to be alone and to be abused than to be with anybody. So if you're scared of being alone, like, it's tough. It can be tough to be alone. But it's so much better. And I was so much happier even when I was going through a grief, and I was like, I was so much happier because I was away from trauma.


    [0:34:00] Brianne Davis: Yeah, well, and I also just had this thought, even writing it down, like, you know, you have a communication with something and it just doesn't feel right in your stomach and you're like, oh, that hurt. Or I felt something writing it down, say I felt this way when he said this, or she said this. And it's like when you start writing it down, it's almost making it like so you can look back and go, oh, then this happened. Then he called me a bitch and then he was saying how ugly my dress is and no one would love me. I don't know, I'm just calling, but there's something about writing it down.


    [0:34:36] Alexandra: Oh, for sure. I think that no, that's actually what I did. That's a good point. I need like a list.


    [0:34:41] Brianne Davis: Look at me, I'm like I'll proud of myself, people, you can't see me, but I just smiled.


    [0:34:47] Alexandra: I need like a list.


    [0:34:49] Brianne Davis: Great.


    [0:34:49] Alexandra: I need a list because I was trying to make heads and tales of it and so I need a whole list and not actually after we split up because I was thinking of going back, which I made this list and it was like crazy long. Why would I go back to this? And so maybe yeah, you're right. Writing it down, making a list, and you can actually have a full scope of like, all that's happened.


    [0:35:10] Brianne Davis: Yeah. And write a list right after it happens. Like, yeah, this just happened because there's something about we can our minds can twist and manipulate ourselves and when it's written down, you can't twist that because it's written down that it happened. Do you know what I mean?


    [0:35:25] Alexandra: Yeah, exactly. I agree.


    [0:35:28] Brianne Davis: So glad you reached out to me. I'm so glad we talked about this. Honestly, I think people need to discuss this more because I think people use verbal abuse all the time and it's an epidemic and it's not okay anymore. So thank you so much for reaching out to me. Honestly, I'm so grateful.


    [0:35:44] Alexandra: Thank you so much for having me. This is so fantastic. And yeah, like you said, I agree, it's an epidemic and it starts with a young girl, a girls and teenage relationship. So it should be talked about more.


    [0:35:57] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you. And if you want to be on the show, please email me secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share air or send me a note at SecretLifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    36m | Feb 27, 2023
  • Max: Growing Up, I Was Ashamed About My Autism

    Max's Journey to Success: A Neurodivergent Story of Overcoming Challenges and Finding Belonging -- Max shares his unique journey of overcoming autism and his path to success. He talks about the tools he used to thrive in life, from the Listening Program app to extra-curricular activities. His vulnerable story is full of insight and inspiration, teaching listeners the power of determination and resilience. Max also reflects on his childhood and the experiences that shaped him. Hear his stories and learn from his advice in the Secret Life podcast.

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    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Max: I did not like having autism. And I think in a way, I was almost trying to, like I was trying to, like, push myself out of autism.


    [0:00:15] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four-time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really? The what, when, where and why of it all.


    [0:01:14] Brianne Davis: My guest is Max. Now, Max, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:27] Max: When I was growing up, until I left for college, I was extremely abashed for having autism.


    [0:01:37] Brianne Davis: So you carried around for the longest time that you had autism and you didn't share it with anybody?


    [0:01:43] Max: Well, I was diagnosed when I was 18 months old, and this was in 1995 when autism was fairly new. But my family knew that I had autism. Some kids knew that I was a little off, but they didn't know the term right, because I definitely did stick out what's that phrase? You stick out with a four thumb.


    [0:02:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah. But I do want to ask, how did your parents know at 18 months? That's so young. So what were the signs? Because I know nothing about autism. I'm so glad you reached out. I'm so glad you're coming on, because I really want to be educated and my listeners to be educated. So please, any information.


    [0:02:33] Max: So I'm not 100% sure, but from what I vaguely remember, from what they've told me, I was not talking. I actually didn't learn how to speak until I was four. I was having sensory issues. And I also think that I'm not 100% certain that I wasn't really playing with other kids. Yeah, other kids around my age. So I think those were the things that I'm not 100% certain.


    [0:03:11] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Because I have adhd and my mom knew from a very young age as well. I talk about it. I could not learn the alphabet, like, to save my life. And she was so frustrated. So I always felt other than right on the outside. Did you feel that way growing up?


    [0:03:29] Max: Yeah, very much so. I did not really understand growing up. I didn't understand how kids communicated or I didn't really get the social and teenage jargon of how kids communicated. And because of that, I did have some brains, but I definitely felt like a bit socially isolated for my peers. This happened more so when I was like, in 3rd, fourth and fifth grade when anything horribly happened and it kind of came out of the blue, or if it was off routine of my schedule, I would just have a tetra tantrum.


    [0:04:25] Brianne Davis: Because you felt out of control or like, things were out of the norm for you?


    [0:04:29] Max: Out of the norm, yeah. But I really like having, like, a very stringent and stoic schedule. And any time that went off of track, then it just messed with my psyche.


    [0:04:51] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Do you think it was like because I love structure. Like, there's something about structure. When you have structure and what through your day and it's planned, that there's a sense of calmness and that you know what's next. So if anything deviated from that, it was, like, anxiety driven.


    [0:05:11] Max: Yeah. So individuals who have autism and some others who have adhd like yourself, or even Add, like structure, and when structure is, you know, off balance or gets thrown out the window, there are diverse individuals like myself tend to really just can't handle it. As I've gotten older, I've gotten much more used to it. I've gotten a lot of behavioral therapies that have really through, like, ot, occupational therapy, speech therapy, cbt, and just joining activities that have helped my brain and my autism to get structured to everyday life. But when I was very little, like eight through twelve, it was really difficult for me.


    [0:06:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Can you take us back to that difficulty? And I also wanted to ask, did your parents have difficulty as well? Like I said, my mom it was very hard for my mom, god bless her, I love her, but they don't teach parents how. There's no manual to how to help your child when they're struggling. So how did your parents handle it?


    [0:06:36] Max: So actually, it's weird. I've never really asked my parents how they handled it.


    [0:06:41] Brianne Davis: Really?


    [0:06:43] Max: No.


    [0:06:44] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Let's get them on.


    [0:06:49] Max: Just some backtrack. My parents are actually divorced. They divorced when I was like, eight or nine. But even though they divorced and I think they did a fairly good job with trying to structure things and trying to keep me occupied. And both of my parents remarried, and my stepparents my step dad and step mom are really helpful and are still really helpful with me and getting acclimated to my autism. If I were to guess, I'm sure it was pretty stressful for them, especially when I was in elementary school, because they were trying to help me. And I have a younger sister who is 20 months younger than me, like two babies.


    [0:07:42] Brianne Davis: They had two babies at the same time. Oh, my God. God bless your parents. That's a lot of just one baby is hard enough. When people have, like, two indictments at the same time, it's like, oh, my God, god bless you.


    [0:07:55] Max: But yeah, I actually didn't understand the concept of divorce when I was nine. I just thought they were kind of doing what I considered in child's terms, like a rum springer.


    [0:08:09] Brianne Davis: I don't know.


    [0:08:09] Max: I just thought it was like a rum spring in my mind. I thought they were just taking a break. And it was when I was, like, ten years that I was like, that I learned the concept of divorce and whatnot. I just didn't get it. My dad moved out. Well, it helped him move things to his apartment. And I don't know, it just didn't really affect me. I don't know.


    [0:08:39] Brianne Davis: Interesting.


    [0:08:40] Max: I don't know why. Again, I think it was just this idea of a rum springer. Like, my dad was just taking a break and moving out the house. That was just, like, the first thing that came to mind for me. Like, at eight years old.


    [0:08:54] Brianne Davis: Nine years old, right. Okay. So there's your sister, and you and your parents are separated. And then how soon after did they get remarried?


    [0:09:05] Max: So my dad and my step mom got remarried when I was going into 7th grade.


    [0:09:14] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:09:16] Max: My mom and stepdad met when I was in fifth grade, and they were cohabitated for a while, and they just actually got married five years ago.


    [0:09:29] Brianne Davis: They waited they waited longer.


    [0:09:33] Max: Yeah. My stepdad has been presently in my life since I was probably eleven.


    [0:09:39] Brianne Davis: Can you tell me some of the things that you had to do differently from other kids? Just so I can, because I had to do flashcards. I had to go to tutors. It was really hard for me. I was so embarrassed on a daily basis at school. Like, I couldn't read in classes. If the teacher asked me, I'd be like, no, thank you.


    [0:10:02] Max: So I had an eight until I was in 7th grade, I think. I think it was 7th. And I also had, like, academic enrichment. So that was a combination of that that just helped me with study skills and managing my homework. And I have something called executive processing. So executive processing means that when someone says something or when someone is talking, you might not be able to code all the information at a faster pace as a neuro typical person does.


    [0:10:45] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:10:46] Max: So executive processing was an issue. I would say those were, like, the big three, like, organization, executive processing, and definitely, like, managing, like, my mood from, you know, like, if anything was, like, off balance, just, like, trying to manage my mood.


    [0:11:08] Brianne Davis: So what are some of those tools that you learned? Can you remember?


    [0:11:15] Max: One of the things for executive processing that I guess I could say as a life saver was when I was 16. So my sophomore year, my mom is really my speech therapist had found that there was this thing that came out, and it's called the listening program. And it was like this brand new how do I say it's? This brand new technological system that helps integrate the two parts of your brain to communicate with each other.


    [0:11:50] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:11:50] Max: So what was happening was before I was 16, the left and right side of my brain were not communicating with each other. And that's why I was struggling with reading. I wasn't really struggling, but it was taking me longer to understand reading passages or trying to organize my essays or even just and it also goes back to communicating with my peers. Like this listening program, I've been doing it for twelve years. It helps me communicate with my peers because there's different levels in the listening program, and it involves executive functioning, processing, and communication. And also I think there's like a part where it involves motor skills. So like motor ability. So not falling down. Yeah, and I started doing it when I was 16. Essentially what you do is that you listen to these headphones. When I got them, it was through an ipod, because this was back in 2010, and it was the structured headphones with the ipod. And you essentially listen to orchestra music. Oh yeah, you listen to orchestra music and you're listening to different instruments, but basically you're listening to different instruments at the same time.


    [0:13:30] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:13:30] Max: And what it does is that it helps the two parts of your brain, your left and right brain, to communicate with one another. There's actually an app for it. So I just have the app on my phone and I listen to it through these Sony headphones that I have here.


    [0:13:48] Brianne Davis: Can you share the app in case anyone yeah, if anything's resonating, let's share the app to help. What is it called?


    [0:13:56] Max: It's called abt listening program. Yeah, it's an app. I'm just looking at it now. It's called the listening program. By advanced brain technologies, I believe. And I'm not 100% sure. I think it's when you start it's $35 a month.


    [0:14:19] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:14:20] Max: That's what I currently pay. I think when it first came out, it was a lot more expensive because you had to get the actual kit and the ipod. I don't know if they have that anymore because technology has evolved last twelve years, but there's like an actual website for it and their headquarters are in Utah. I would 100% recommend it. I guess you could say it was a lifesaver because I've been using it for the last almost 13 years.


    [0:14:53] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I would say it's an effective tool if you've been using it for 13 years. But when you just said reading comprehension, all of that literally my entire body was like, I know how that feels. So would you be in class in school? Did other kids know you are autistic? Or did they just think you had a learning disability? How did you handle that stress? Because I didn't handle it well. I really like, shut down as a human. I let my learning disability kind of run my life. But it sounds like you had such great support. So how was that for you?


    [0:15:30] Max: I think in middle school and early high school, it was very difficult because I really wanted to have friends and a cohort of friends, but I didn't have that. And the other thing was, when I was in 7th grade, I moved I moved to a new town. So moving in middle school middle school is awkward in general, but moving middle school is torture.


    [0:15:58] Brianne Davis: Torture.


    [0:16:00] Max: It's awkwardness on top of awkwardness. So I moved at a very, I guess you could say a very bizarre time in my life. 7th, 8th and 9th grade were pretty awkward. I think the main things that really helped me were when I started running in 7th grade. And that really helped because when I was doing an extracurricular activity, I had done swimming before, but this really helped my social emotional behavior because I was doing a team sport. So I did cross country track, and I did that competitively for ten years. I did it for 7th grade until my senior year of college. So that helped me be part of.


    [0:16:59] Brianne Davis: A team, be part of something other than yourself. So that would be like, if you have a child, maybe getting them into a sport that they enjoy, obviously not pushing it on them, they have to enjoy it. But that might be something, because I didn't do that. I didn't join any sports or anything.


    [0:17:15] Max: Yeah, okay, so I joined a sport. I don't know how your high school was, but my high school was very competitive, and when I got to high school, I don't know, I kind of just hit the ground running. I really wanted to do well in high school for myself, so I pushed myself, probably pushed myself a little bit too hard at times. So I did track and cross country.


    [0:17:47] Brianne Davis: You were overachiever.


    [0:17:48] Max: Yeah, I was an overachiever.


    [0:17:51] Brianne Davis: I was not. I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to do any of that. I was, like, not interested.


    [0:17:58] Max: I was hardcore over achiever. I just choir. I was in the National Honor Society. I did a couple you thrived.


    [0:18:08] Brianne Davis: Maybe you should be doing this and I should be coming on, talking about the secret of my learning disability and being bullied. You thrived like, you really did.


    [0:18:18] Max: Yeah, I took five AP classes. I was in the National Honor Society, people. So, yeah, to say, like, I was an overachiever was an understatement. But again, I went to a very competitive high school. Like, people in my high school went to ivy League schools in, like, Stanford and georgetown and emery, so, like, those very top niche schools, and I wanted to fit in with my peers.


    [0:18:53] Brianne Davis: Well, here's the thing. It's like when you're saying that right now, it's really beautiful because you took something that made you different and you got the tools, and it sounds like your parents really supported you and got you what you needed to keep succeeding in our society is whatever you want to call it, but you really just thrived. And it almost gave you this upper hand of your unique in a beautiful way. Because I believe people with autism are learning disabilities. Our brains work differently, and there is a very beautiful thing I see now, but I still have residue of being bullied. Did you ever get bullied or no?


    [0:19:34] Max: A little bit in 8th grade.


    [0:19:36] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:19:38] Max: But I actually went to the guidance counselor because I was getting bullied because I was not happy. But the thing is, Brian, I did not like having autism. And I think, in a way, I was almost trying to make myself try to be neurotypical. So while I was really thriving and pushing myself, I was almost, like, trying to I was trying to push myself.


    [0:20:09] Brianne Davis: Out of autism and run from it. Like, keep it a lie almost to yourself a secret almost to yourself. It's not there. It's not there. It's not there.


    [0:20:19] Max: I basically was telling myself, by the time I graduated from high school, I have to be cured or get all my support out. I think it was something along the lines of, like, I can't have any more support after I graduate. These are the four years that I have to crunch down and grind and make sure that I can be independent and self sufficient by 18. But I think I took that almost a little bit too personally and literally because everyone had support services beyond high school. And, like, I wish I had known that because I don't think I would have stressed myself out or would have stretched myself in all the time, because I think I pushed myself. I'm glad that I pushed myself, but I was almost pushing myself in a way to survive.


    [0:21:23] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it is, like, superhuman effort. It's like this superhuman effort. And then you get to what, graduating high school and then did you just give up all your support system? What happened?


    [0:21:36] Max: When I graduated high school, I was actually kind of burnt out, to be honest.


    [0:21:42] Brianne Davis: You think, jeez, I'm burnt out. While you're telling me everything you were doing. I'm like, can I take a nap? Like, I'm tired.


    [0:21:50] Max: Yeah, I was definitely burnt out a little bit. But back in 2012, the expectation was to go to college.


    [0:22:00] Brianne Davis: Yes, but now they say you shouldn't go to college. Just so you know, like, new studies are saying you can actually do better without college.


    [0:22:08] Max: Yeah. So I wish I had taken, like, maybe a break or maybe taking a semester off just to chill out a little bit. But I was still in that go go attitude and, like, wanting to thrive. And when I got to college, even though I could utilize my support systems, I could get extra time on test, and I could take a test in a quiet room. I wasn't using that at first. And looking back on that, I kind of think I'm the biggest idiot because I was shooting myself on the phone.


    [0:22:47] Brianne Davis: Yeah. No, I did too. Like, taking the sats and tests. I didn't use those extra tools I could have because I didn't want to feel different from anybody else.


    [0:22:57] Max: Yeah. So when I got to college, I was trying to essentially trying to be like the typical college student that you see in TV and media, and I was shooting myself in the foot, and I'm like, I can't do this. My parents are paying a lot of money for me to go here, and I want to do well. And what made me feel more comfortable about myself when I got to college is unlike high school or even like the K through twelve system, I think how people in college tend to be a little bit more open about their vulnerabilities. So that's what I talked about in my Ted Talk was that people had these invisible letters. So for me, my invisible letter was A for autism. But I had met people, whether it was like, my track team and I was also in Greek Life or through other organizations who are going through these insecurities, and you would have never known it. So it made me feel like, less alone. And that's when I realized I had to be more authentic to myself.


    [0:24:16] Brianne Davis: So what do you remember, like, the first step doing it, doing the Ted Talk? Was that like, the moment you felt a freedom from that bondage of self, or was there a moment you can remember that you're like, aha, that was like, the thing that something switched.


    [0:24:34] Max: So I guess you could say, like, I started to reveal that I was autistic in little baby steps. So I reveal to my classmates I had autism in my senior year because I shared my college speech in a class. And I remember that was like, the first time that I had done that. And then I think it was around like, my sophomore year of college, that's when I started to, like, meet people. It wasn't really a specific person. It was just like different friends or acquaintances who are kind of just going through different vulnerabilities that you would have.


    [0:25:16] Brianne Davis: Never life struggles, things.


    [0:25:18] Max: Yeah, and that's what made me reveal my own insecurities and what I had gone through.


    [0:25:27] Brianne Davis: Here's my question, though. Did you have any backlash? Did anybody ever make you feel bad? Or was it just this warm, like, we accept you for who you are?


    [0:25:41] Max: Everyone was accepting. I had one teammates, and I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about this. He just did not like me for personal reasons and essentially was trying to bully me. But that's just like another therapy session, you know?


    [0:26:02] Brianne Davis: I love a good therapy session. Come on. No, but that's what I'm trying to teach my son what you just said. I said not everybody's going to like you and you're never going to understand why some people are just not going to like you.


    [0:26:14] Max: Yeah, at that point, I just didn't care and I didn't need permission for him to like me. But, yeah, I felt very welcome and it helped me succeed in college and I eventually did very well. I got this very prestigious award my senior year that was only given to, like, I think, 20 students. I went to graduate school and got a master's in higher ed, and currently my background is in research and evaluation. That's what I do for my current career.


    [0:26:55] Brianne Davis: Wow. You're still an overachiever, but that's a beautiful thing. It's like your autism didn't slow you down. It probably even made you even have more life experiences and learn more things in a different way. And you're actually making me proud that I have, like, a learning disability because for so long I kept it such a secret and I was in so much shame for sure.


    [0:27:20] Max: No neuro diverse people. They are like their own little what's the word? Their own little creature happened. You're an actor and you're starting this podcast. You have so much to be grateful for.


    [0:27:36] Brianne Davis: I know when I wrote a book and it was best seller and I was like, oh, my God, I did that. I built to this day, and I did that. What? Do you ever have those moments where you're like, I did that, like your Ted Talk where you're like, I did that. Well, thank you so much for coming on, but I do have a couple more questions before if there's any parents out there or anybody that's like, oh, my God, this is hitting a core of something going on with my child or even with myself. What would be your first advice for them?


    [0:28:09] Max: Don't freak out.


    [0:28:12] Brianne Davis: Don't go into panic.


    [0:28:14] Max: Don't freak out. I think my best well, the one thing I would recommend is looking into the listening program. I mean, like, to say that was a lifesavers and understatement. Okay. Get your child involved in extracurricular activities. Obviously, they have to enjoy it. If they're not enjoying it, then you don't want to push them too hard because then they're going to get acclimated, like you said, into doing something outside of themselves internally.


    [0:28:51] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you. And we will link that learning app and learning program below so people can go to it and see what it is and all that. Is there anything else you want the listeners to know about your journey, about releasing yourself of the secret and baby steps throughout the years? Is there any closing words you want to say?


    [0:29:12] Max: I just want to say thank you to my family and friends who believed in me when there were times I didn't believe in myself.


    [0:29:21] Brianne Davis: That makes me want to cry. Where can people find you if they have any questions or anything.


    [0:29:27] Max: Yeah, so they can email me. My email is Maxorden korten, 26, at@gmail.com. I would also say for people, because there's also been a growing trend of adults being diagnosed with autism. There's a LinkedIn group that I follow. It's called Non neurodivergent. I think that's the name of it.


    [0:29:55] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:29:55] Max: But it's for professionals who are neuro divergent, and just trying to navigate the workforce really helps me because when I started working, I really didn't know any other nerdive, urgent individuals in the workforce.


    [0:30:14] Brianne Davis: Thank you so much for sharing that and thank you for coming on.


    [0:30:19] Max: Thank you, Brian.


    [0:30:20] Brianne Davis: If you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    33m | Feb 20, 2023
  • Billy: I’m Addicted to Gambling

    Billy shares his journey as he gambled his way to six figures in four years of college. Hear his stories of risky escapades at Mohegan Sun Casino and underground poker clubs, and learn how he hustled his way to success. Listen in on his thoughtful advice on managing gambling habits, and be inspired by his positive attitude despite his losses. It's a unique view of gambling, honesty and willingness to change.

    Compulsive gambling, also called gambling disorder, is the uncontrollable urge to keep gambling despite the toll it takes on your life. Gambling means that you're willing to risk something you value in the hope of getting something of even greater value.

    NATIONAL PROBLEM GAMBLING HELPLINE - 1-800-522-4700

    The National Council on Problem Gambling operates the National Problem Gambling Helpline Network. The network is a single national access point to local resources for those seeking help for a gambling problem. The network consists of 28 contact centers that provide resources and referrals for all 50 states, Canada, and the US Virgin Islands. Help is available 24/7 and is 100% confidential.

    The National Problem Gambling Helpline Network also includes text and chat services. These features enable those who are gambling online or on their mobile phone to access help the same way they play. One call, text, or chat will get you to problem gambling help anywhere in the U.S. 24/7/365.

    Help is also available via an online peer support forum at www.gamtalk.org.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    ____

    Guest Billy Procida is a nonmonogamous sex-positive comedian in New York City and host of The Manwhore Podcast. His show is consistently listed as a Top Sex & Dating Podcast by Esquire, Uproxx, and Men's Health. Billy's writing has also been featured in the New York Time's Magazine, Marie Claire, and Mashable. He also runs a monthly Naked Comedy Show in Bushwick. Yes, actually.

    Twitter: @TheBillyProcida

    Instagram: @billyisprocida

    OnlyFans: @callmebilly

    The Manwhore Podcast - apple or spotify

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Billy: I've been the Gamblers Anonymous a few times. I think like three times I've been the Gamblers Anonymous. I don't really like it because they say that to be a member, the first thing you have to do is have a desire to quit gambling. And I don't want to quit gambling. I just want to stop losing.


    [0:00:20] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really?


    [0:01:18] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, why, or why it all today. My guess is Billy. Now, Billy, I have a question for you. Don, what is your secret?


    [0:01:30] Billy: I have a gambling problem.


    [0:01:35] Brianne Davis: Okay, tell me about it.


    [0:01:38] Billy: Yeah. What was interesting when we were talking about doing this, it's like, well, what secrets do I have? Because I'm also a podcaster. I do a show called The Man Who Are Podcast. So it's like, I live my life very publicly on the Internet, especially like, my sex and dating life. So it's all out there. And I was like, what don't I really talk about? And when you ask people to support your artistic career with things like patreon and other ventures, you feel self conscious about being like, I'm going to try really hard not to gamble with this money, but I also might and I'm so sorry.


    [0:02:14] Brianne Davis: Oh my God. I never thought about it in that element. Wow. So first let's talk. When did you become a gambling addict? When did you start gambling? Was it really young?


    [0:02:24] Billy: Yeah, I think my introduction was probably somewhere around like, let's just say 1011, maybe like eleven with scratch off tickets. I used to go down the street to the pizza shop, like a half mile from my house after school every day. But I have a sports practice. I would go down there, have a few slices, read the paper like an old man, total old man, talk to the adults. Which now, by the way, when I go there, I'm seeing the adults would have talked to at 1120 years. I'm like, oh my God, you were like in your 20s or thirty s and I thought you were so old. But I would go down there and chat because I didn't have a lot of friends. I got bullied a lot. So this pizza shop was like, a refuge for me, and the dudes behind the counter would play scratch offs, and the only time I got to play scratch off is, like, christmas, when, like, everyone gets one in the stocking. But it was great. When you won, you lost, and if you win, you can just trade it in for more tickets to then eventually lose. Because a gambler doesn't want to win. A gambler just wants to gamble, and eventually we lose. That's when we notice stop gambling. That were like, when the place is closing down, I would give my money to, like, there was a quick stop thing next to the pizza shop.


    [0:03:40] Billy: I would give the pizza, the guy, my little list, and my little $10 allowance money because they also played a scratch off. Everyone's a junkie, so they go next door for me, and they get my tickets, and then I would caress them and hound them to go next door. I wasn't very cognizant of context of things, so it's in a rush, and I'm bugging them. I wasn't really manipulating it's like, hey, Robbie, you go next door to get tickets. Can you get me my tickets, or can you cash in my tickets? So that's where it started. And then, like, middle school age online poker, like, underground online poker was starting to happen, and there was this weird gimmick where somebody's parent would, let's say, let them put $200 in their all Star poker's account. I even remember what the site was at the time. And then they would just barter and trade the credit because you could transfer credits to accounts. So someone's like, oh, can I give you $20 to transfer me, like, ten into my account? Because my parents won't let me gamble with their money. And so there was that whole racket going on. And so then I was starting to play some online poker, and then it would progress until I got to boarding school, and they're like, you weren't allowed to gamble. So I was like, yeah, I was a rule follower told square. So I was like, Why?


    [0:04:57] Billy: I don't break the rules because I don't want to get into trouble. Because at my school, if you got in trouble, you had to do, like, a 05:30 a.m. Workout. And I hate waking up early. I don't mind the workout. The workout was, like, a 630 p. M. Workout.


    [0:05:09] Brianne Davis: You're all for the dice.


    [0:05:11] Billy: Yeah, but I'm not waking up at 530 and going to the gym. No, thank you. But there was a loophole. The loophole was you could gamble for food, so, like, you could gamble pizza. Oh, yeah. And board of school pizza is currency.


    [0:05:23] Brianne Davis: It sounds like a prison.


    [0:05:29] Billy: I went to an alternative kid boarding school. I don't know if you heard the term trouble. Teen industry.


    [0:05:35] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:05:36] Billy: So my school was on the very, very light end of that spectrum. So we sometimes get kids from these wild schools you hear stories about in the news. Like, if they behaved well enough, sometimes they get to come to our school. So it wasn't prison, but it was strict. You'd have, like, N 64 or PlayStation. So I would play, like, NFL Blitz or something where we play poker. But for pizzas. A lot of us were putting the pizzas on, like, mom or Dad's credit card. I don't know if I've ever said this. I ran up a bill on my mom's credit card at some place special, which was, like, the local pizza shop. And I would run up a bill because a kid took me for ten pizzas. And then my mom's like, why did I get charged for $130 from someplace special? It's like, because you know what? I really need to practice harder at this video game. I really need to, like I need to do the work if I'm going to gamble it.


    [0:06:29] Brianne Davis: Wow. What age was that?


    [0:06:32] Billy: That's all the high school.


    [0:06:33] Brianne Davis: Wow. So here's what I just want to stop and ask you what would happen if you're talking about it now, is anything happening in your body? Because there was a little jolt I felt from you telling the story about it.


    [0:06:46] Billy: Well, as I told you before we started, I live my life very publicly. I don't have a lot of secrets. I got a couple of secrets because I think it's healthy to have a few. It's like, I got to have a couple. I need something for my first book, right? There needs to be something that a headline will be like, billy Procedure admits to Blank in his first debut novel, which is on the bestseller list. No big deal. I got to save a couple of things for the first Man Whore book. But I was like, what? Do I not get to talk? I just don't get to talk about this? Everyone's interviewing me about, like, sex stuff, which is fine and great.


    [0:07:20] Brianne Davis: I get that's what I wanted to interview you about, because I am a sex and love addict. So I'm like, let's talk about the gambling.


    [0:07:29] Billy: I imagine I would come on and share that, except all my sex life is public. There's no secret there. But this is something, like, I don't even really think about. I haven't thought about Adam Mizrah beating me for ten pizzas and NFL bullets since I don't know when. Like, I haven't even thought about this. He would use Peyton Hillis as running back a lot. Literally, I haven't thought about that. Sophomore year, wow. I was on probably, like, Three East the wing I was on. Yeah. That's crazy. So I just haven't thought about this, and I don't get to talk about it very often.


    [0:08:00] Brianne Davis: Well, this is the perfect place. So then when was the next thing you gambled and it just amplified?


    [0:08:07] Billy: Also when I would go home on breaks, you could gamble. So I place them online poker, the scratch off racket. And then when I got to college, I remember sophomore year college, I went to like, my five year high school reunion. I went to some sort of I went back to my born school, and all the kids who went up, all the other alum, we were hanging out, we were drinking some beer. They can't give us whatever. And then someone's like, oh, let's go to Mohegan Sun. Now we're all underage. Yeah, like, I'm 19, by the way. I like gambling at the native American casinos more than, like, Atlantic City because, like, when I lose that Mohegan Sun, I feel like I'm doing good. There's some kids who know, like, calculus now because I paid for those books. So it's like, this is better your.


    [0:08:57] Brianne Davis: Due, good service, going to lose at the Mohegan Sun casino.


    [0:09:03] Billy: Yeah, community service. This is good karma. When I lose here, if I lose in Atlantic City, it's just going to somebody's bank account. So. Anyways, let's go to Mohegan Sun. I had a fake ID, but I never been to a casino because I was underage. And we got in. I didn't realize, at least in Connecticut, there's not like, someone at the door. Even in Jersey, I'm pretty sure there's not like someone at the door. I go in another state sometimes, though, you walk and right there, it's like, what's your ID? But here is more like you walk around and somebody might card you, and most likely you are going to get carded if you ask for drinks. So we just didn't ask for booze, no problem. And I got to go ahead and lose my $100 at blackjack. Like, fine, but then that let me know, oh, I can get into a casino underage. And so then I would start to go.


    [0:09:53] Billy: Now in college, I don't got a lot of money, so I'm like driving up 3 hours Mohegan Sun from New York to gamble with $100 to $200, which when you're back at blackjack does not last very long.


    [0:10:09] Brianne Davis: I thought you were like, maybe doing the nickel slots. I would take it to the nickel slot and it would take a long time.


    [0:10:15] Billy: No, the slots nonsense.


    [0:10:20] Brianne Davis: Like the old lady slot. That's what I would do.


    [0:10:23] Billy: The slots are for bachelorette parties and guys who don't know what they're doing. Okay, I'm taking this seriously. I would start going up there, and I'm going up a little bit. At that time, junior year, I discovered underground poker scene in New York City, right. And after a couple of times playing, I very quickly was introduced to dealing. My boss was named Scotty Cards because of course it was I didn't know his last name, scotty Cards. He was in my phone with Scotty Cards. So he introduced himself to people on the street. And so Scotty cards taught me how to deal. And he was like, do you think you could get other college kids to come play at our game. I was like, yeah. So I would get kids to come in. I got to learn how to deal, and I got to make money. When you're dealing, can't really lose. So I would start dealing, but then what happens happens is I take the money I make from dealing, and then I would play on other nights, I'd go up to the casino, and then I just lose there.


    [0:11:22] Billy: We just keep moving the money around. Yeah, but now I'm in the underground poker scene. I'm going to poker clubs around. It's like that movie Rounders. Like that. I'm running around the city playing with old men when I'm not dealing cards. And all this money is really just funneling back into the gambling. I started webcamming junior year college. I webcammed for a couple of years, did all right. I was, like, making $100 to $500 a week very casually, just sitting in there doing webcamming.


    [0:11:52] Brianne Davis: What do you mean?


    [0:11:53] Billy: You know what webcamming is?


    [0:11:55] Brianne Davis: I know, but I want you to answer.


    [0:11:57] Billy: Oh, webcamming people don't know. Or pretending they don't know is that yeah, I'd sit in a chat room and when dudes or dudes pretending to be women wanted to watch me take my clothes off or touch myself or do something kind of like one time a guy was just like, I just want you to sit around fart, pick your nose, be a gross dude. Which is weird because I know all the lyrics to Rent, and I'm like, I don't think I'm like the dude I am. Make money per minute, like $3 a minute talking to people, and if they want me to take my clothes off or jerk off, I could do that. Can I swear on this? I didn't.


    [0:12:37] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:12:38] Billy: This show is okay. Awesome. Fuck. Now this is money that goes back into the gambling. I did a lot. I hustled hard in college. I estimate that I probably made about six figures in my four years in college. On the side, between the poker dealing and the webcamming, I did, like, textbook buybacks, and I also like, I fucking sold fake IDs. Which, by the way, I have the research statute of limitations this morning just to make sure I could talk about this comfortably on a recorded show. But I used to deal fake IDs all four years of college.


    [0:13:14] Brianne Davis: Yeah, so you would make them, or you found somebody to make them?


    [0:13:18] Billy: No, I knew a guy. I'm very North Jersey Italian like that. I don't do anything. I know a guy.


    [0:13:24] Brianne Davis: You know a guy who knows a guy, and then they help.


    [0:13:27] Billy: Yeah, well, like, I grew up on my dad operates on the guy's system. My dad's got a guy for everything. He's like, oh, Billy, you need new tires. Oh, you got to go use my tire guy. Gary, here's what you're going to do. You're going to go to hackensack. You're going to go to corner second and south fourth. You're going to go to Gary's Used Tire Shop and Grill. Okay? Naturally, of course, because that's where the guy is going to operate something sketchy. Weird business. What time we fucking. We're going to the jets game. When I was a kid, and we stopped at this shut down gas station, and there's legit a white van in there. And in the back of the white van, there's a bunch of knock off, like jets and Giants.


    [0:14:09] Billy: Merch my dad makes very good money. My dad's one of those top percent people. He's fine, but I think he grew up a bit on the poorer side, so I think that's still in him. So he's like, oh, I know I could take you to Sport Authority and buy you a proper jets hoodie.


    [0:14:27] Brianne Davis: But he wants a discount. He wants it under, like in the dirty cellar basement.


    [0:14:35] Billy: Makes him feel like a kid again. He's like, oh, no, we're going to do this. No, I've been doing this for decades. We go to the gas station to the guy in the van. So I had a guy who made IDs. And at first it was like, oh, can I get mine? Great. But then what would happen is like, oh, some of my friends wanted one. So I was like, hey, I got a few friends who need okay, cool. And they say, hey, if you could get this many people, I'll give you this discount on them. I'm like, can? Okay. So I was like, okay, let me get him five at a time. I get to keep the difference. That's fun.


    [0:15:05] Billy: And then I kept coming back to him. So he's like, look, I'll give you this deal so you can make more money if you want, if you want to keep bringing me big orders. So then I start bringing in bigger orders, like ten at a time, 15 at a time. And over the years, he would upgrade his equipment. So it started with these horrendously, bad New York fake IDs. I feel almost guilty selling them New York fake IDs. But by the time I graduated, he'd upgrade to California and Texas, which at the time was like, crumb. That was like the Rolls Royce of a fake ID was like the California fake. So we could charge more. But then he was giving me these stupid low rates. So he would charge me like $40 per ID. When if you went directly to him, he charged you over $100. So he charged me like, $40. I would charge like 200 or $160.


    [0:15:55] Brianne Davis: You're making good money.


    [0:16:00] Billy: That was my biggest money maker, was the brokering fake IDs. And I would tell friends, I would be like, hey, get me ten friends. I'll give you yours free. So now they're bringing me a cluster, and I'm getting all this on the top. By senior year, what was happening was kids would go home, they'd use a fake ID. Their friends from the other schools, wherever they lived would be like, oh, yours is great. And they put me in touch. So then by senior year, I'm mailing like, ten to 20 IDs at a time to the University of Oregon or like, I don't know, something Texas. I'm mailing shit across.


    [0:16:33] Brianne Davis: Very illegal entrepreneurial. I'm kind of proud of you in a very disturbing way. I don't know why. I'm like, Good for you. Good money making scheme. Maybe that's the addict in me. I'm like, yeah, that's a good tactic.


    [0:16:48] Billy: Yeah. I was always a hustler. Even if I did textbook buybacks during final season, I was fucking carrying around in a big suitcase, going door to door at every door, and I'm knocking on every door saying, I want to buy your textbooks. I liked making money. I liked being good at that. But it always really to feed gambling. The gambling book would be titled something like How I Made Six Figures in College and How I Lost It all. Because when I graduated, I didn't, like, have this money. Like, it just it was at a variety of poker clubs and casinos, you know, and so that's college is where it really started to soar when I graduated, then I just had more freedom. Now I'm like, I can freely drive and go up or take the bus to Mohegan or Atlantic City or whatever. So now I have more time to do things because I was just pursuing comedy full time. I had some money. I had a little nest egg thing that could live off for about a year. But I'm pretty much just like, I'm dealing poker and I'm gambling.


    [0:17:51] Brianne Davis: It's almost like you were enjoying being in the CD underworld with it.


    [0:17:55] Billy: There is a sense of community to that. So I play back gaming. If people don't know what back m is, ask your grandparents or dead all seance ask them then, because it's either you're a junkie like me or you're over 60. Like, no one plays Backham. Nobody during COVID Yeah, nobody. It's like you'd say Backham and they're like, what? But if you have someone's like Jewish grandfather, you say chess pesh and be like, oh, yes, I know this game. So I started playing. I learned. I always knew I played back am, and I would play with the pizza boss from back in the day. He taught me, like, the basics, but I wasn't very good. Now I'm fucking slam him. I'm much better at him now. But then I saw someone in Washington Square Park with a back ammon board. I was like, oh, I'd love to play back ammon.


    [0:18:41] Billy: They hang out with the chess people. It's kind of all that little crew.


    [0:18:44] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:18:44] Billy: Then I start playing back ammon, but they play for money because they're like, well, I can't waste my time doing this. So I am learning how to gamble with backgammon now. By the way, I've already stopped the figure game. Yeah.


    [0:19:03] Brianne Davis: You can't just play for fun.


    [0:19:06] Billy: I would have, but these grown men wouldn't because those guys in the park, they're working, those are hustlers, the chess guys in the back of and people in Washington Square Park, union Square, they're hustling. That's kind of their work job. Sometimes they do lessons as like, a guarantee, but otherwise they gamble chess, they gamble Back Avenue. So now I've got a new game I can play with and lose my money on. And in 2013, in the summer of 2013, I had a really bad session. I pretty much lost the last of my money. I was trying to find a job. I was having trouble finding a regular day job or whatever. I was still dealing with poker, but I kind of wanted to stop doing that. And I had a big bad loss to the point that was like, I got to owe this guy money, and then I had to move out of my apartment and move back home.


    [0:19:54] Brianne Davis: How much did you owe?


    [0:19:56] Billy: Okay, it wasn't a lot of money, but I was just, like, kind of running on fumes in the first place. So it was like rent. Yeah, I was bottoming out. I was like, hey, I can give you 300 now, but I'm going to owe you like, another seven or whatever the number was because I don't have it, and one day I'll have it. I'll give it to you. But I didn't have to tell my roommates, like, hey, I got to move out next month. And I moved back home for like, nine or ten months, something like that. I was like, okay, I got to chill the fuck out. The gambling kind of went on pause. I started looking for an actual job. And then when I did get an office job, I worked my way back to the city, paid that guy back, but the itch is still there. And then around that time, online poker got legalized in New Jersey. So now I've got another place. You see the patterns. Like, I am presented with new these are fun games.


    [0:20:52] Billy: It's like, oh, my God, it's fun. Here's a new way to have risk.


    [0:20:55] Brianne Davis: And to alive and get the jolt in the high. And it's all colors. They made it all colorful now online.


    [0:21:03] Billy: Yeah, but quickly back with the back, because you mentioned that I did the CD underground sitting. Even with the poker, there is community. So right now, if you go to the Union Square right now in New York City and you go to the chess guys, most of them know me, and I know that because I've been playing with them and hanging out with them for like a decade at this point. Like, some of them I'm sincerely friendly with, right? We bust each other's balls. I say, hey, what's up? Sometimes I go by and hang out for ten minutes. I'm not even playing. I'm just like watching a game or catching up or something because I talk about sex for a living. Like I have an only fan. So they're like, Billy, man, what's doing on your only fans, man? What's she doing there? Who'd you bang, man?


    [0:21:52] Brianne Davis: If people want to join, you can join. We'll link it in the description.


    [0:21:56] Billy: Yeah, but they all know each other. I mean, one guy came over to play a couple of weeks ago. He left his dice. So after this, I go to Union Square on my way to a comedy show. I got to go drop off a guy's dice.


    [0:22:09] Brianne Davis: What's going on? You're still doing it?


    [0:22:12] Billy: I don't pretend to be in recovery at the end of the story. This is not a story where it ends with me doing the work, giving.


    [0:22:19] Brianne Davis: Inspirational quotes at the end. You're not going to be giving no inspiration.


    [0:22:23] Billy: No. This is like somewhere in between Rounders and Mississippi grind. You seek Mississippi Grind?


    [0:22:30] Brianne Davis: Yes, I did.


    [0:22:31] Billy: Brian Reynolds and Ben Mendelsson. That's a terrible gambling movie. You can't have a gambling movie like that. Spoiler alert, cover your ears. Fast forward 30 seconds. If you're still listening now, it's your fault. That movie ends with him winning and he wins a lot.


    [0:22:49] Brianne Davis: Yeah, that's not a true scenario.


    [0:22:53] Billy: Well, here's the thing. It is a possible true scenario. It's not like nobody ever wins like that. It's just like that's not healthy for me to see all the great gambling movies they end either neutral either it was like they were down and they were working away to even, or they lose it all and they like, have a come to Jesus moment. But like, this is the first gambling movie I saw. It's like they're depicting an addiction. Ben Mendelsson's character is terrible. He is off the rocks. He's rock bottom. Even when he hits rock bottom, you didn't think it could go Lord. Then Ryan Reynolds comes into his life. That goddamn beautiful, man. Ruins it even further. But then at the end, he wins.


    [0:23:30] Brianne Davis: I know, but you have to understand but that's what society does. It glamorizes those scenarios. Just like for me and I talked about it recently, is like, The Notebook is like the worst movie for sex and love addicts because the cheating she's doing, I'll kill myself if you don't go out with me. I'll drop off the spares wheel and it's like it's all a bunch of bullshit. That's not actually how it ends. Like, those relationships end. So I get you where you're like, oh, I want that. I want someone to kill themselves for me.


    [0:24:00] Billy: Well, when I saw Mississippi Grind, like, I'm very cognizant of my addiction. So I'm watching that, knowing that this is not a good movie. I'm watching it being like, yes, he's losing. This is correct. This is how it should go. If you want a really good depiction of the gambling addiction, there's this movie that does it just I've never seen anything so realistic. It's on Netflix. It's called win. It all starts I think his name is Jake Johnson, that dude from the new guy. He's in Tag. It's really good. And he tapped into a thing where I'm like, I have felt all these emotions that you were feeling in all these moments, and that was really true to form. I'm getting goosebumps now remembering it. I'm scared to watch it again because it just so he nails it. It's weird having a struggle like this where I'm also not trying to fix it because I don't think I can.


    [0:24:49] Billy: I went eight months one time without gambling in college because I had a really bad night. I had a big loss. I probably lost, like $1,000, which, when you're a college kid, is a lot. Yes, but also I became ugly. I snapped at a lady at the table who was, like, being upsetting. And I was playing with adults. So to them, we were playing low stakes. To them, one hundred dollars to five hundred dollars buy in. To me, that $200 was a fucking lot. And so I probably did five rebuys or something like that. At one point, she was like, how much are you in for? And I fucking snapped. I mean, it's a little rude to ask the question, but I got ugly, and I didn't like what came out of me. And so I was like, pause. Went to a college professor.


    [0:25:34] Billy: I missed class the next day. I was so down. And then when I went to him after that, I was like, hey, man, this is why I missed class. He's like, Look, I don't want to overstep. I've taken this guy, like, multiple classes, so he knows me. And he gave me the number of a friend of his who's a psychoanalyst, started seeing her. I went eight months without part of that was because I didn't have enough money to gamble the way I enjoyed a gamble. But also, part of it was like, I wasn't buying dollar scratches. I was like, I was really trying to stop. I made it eight months. That was the longest I've ever gone.


    [0:26:04] Brianne Davis: And so what made you start again after that eight months?


    [0:26:08] Billy: I got some money. It's easy to not gamble if you don't have money with which to gamble.


    [0:26:16] Brianne Davis: So you got money, and then all that work that you did or that just being just went out the window again.


    [0:26:23] Billy: It just will slowly be like, look, you go up, you can go down, but you end down. I also have a hard time leaving. Like, for poker table, it's hard to leave because there's also, like again, it can be social, right? So you can go and you're making friends. You're cracking jokes. I'm getting attention. I grew up with basically no friends. I got bullied real bad. So when I found myself in a space. That was accepting me and enjoying my company and laughing at my jokes. Whether that's in the comedy scene or in this scene or later in the dating scene, it's like, it feels warm, it feels nice. I'm like, oh, these people like me. Even if they don't, I'm thinking they do. There's also a little bit of addiction to the it was more fun to go to a poker club in the city than to a casino and play by myself for 15 hours straight. I think my longest run on casino floor was like 27 hours.


    [0:27:12] Billy: I went 27 hours straight, no stop. I would stop for food or to take a piss, but I wasn't going to sleep 27 hours straight on the floor. I was doing well. It might have fenced, but I was doing well. I'm like, I can't stop.


    [0:27:26] Brianne Davis: But see, I'm not a gambler. So when I'm sitting here listening to you saying 27 hours and you're up, I'm like, Walk away. Take the money, walk away.


    [0:27:37] Billy: I think I did end up for that session, if I recall. I don't think I left being like, what did I just do? But I've also had a lot of times where I spent 7 hours somewhere and then I left down three grand. And I'm like, what did I just do? And it's really tough and it's really dark. And again, because of my work and because of being a comedian, I have a lot of material on gambling. But in the real world, like, right now, what we're doing, even though it's a podcast, podcasting is more real to me. I don't get to talk about it and it's a little tough. It's weird. It's also weird to say, I know this is bad and I'm choosing not to stop.


    [0:28:13] Brianne Davis: But I just think that's honest. I love even when people are in their place of where they're numbing out or going to define community, that might not be the healthiest or this activity that gets them higher, that excitement that you're willing to say, I know it's bad, but I'm not stopping.


    [0:28:34] Billy: Yes, I can control it sometimes. But as you know, in any addiction, if you're not supposed to try to control it in a certain way. But I'd always be like, well, okay, I'll be cognizant of like, well, why do I want to gamble? And if it's not a good reason, I won't gamble now. But if it feels like natural, then I'll do it. But no matter what, it will always end up with, even if it's not that session, it will lead to a session that is really bad. Not just for my personal health, not even just for my bank account, but for my life. There's time that I don't get back. Something I'm realizing is like, I'm losing time and I don't get that time back. And that's time that's not going towards my creative pursuits. That's time not going towards friendships. Time not going towards fucking yoga, right?


    [0:29:16] Brianne Davis: Because you're using 27 hours. Just like the guy I talked to last week that lost 14 hours playing a video game and not participating in life or even what I used to do is being obsessed with this romantic person that was unavailable. I lost time. You are losing time.


    [0:29:34] Billy: The amount of time you've spent scrolling someone's Instagram feed to be like, okay, but is he back with her?


    [0:29:41] Brianne Davis: Well, luckily, in my bottoming out days, there was no social media. I can't imagine if I was still an Attic with social media, I would just probably lose my mind and not be on this planet, to be honest. I can't imagine. But you're still in it. So I guess my last question for you is where are you now with it, now that we have this conversation?


    [0:30:05] Billy: Yeah, I've tried going to gamblers. I've been to Gamblers Anonymous a few times. I think like, three times. I've been the Gamblers Anonymous over the last ten years. I don't really like it because they say to be a member, the first thing you have to do is have a desire to quit gambling. And I don't want to quit gambling. I just want to stop losing. I joke that I think Gamblers Anonymous should be a weekly meeting where we come together and learn how to be better gamblers. This isn't heroin. We can be better. This is like heroin where if we do the math rights, it can work out better. Let's all learn how to count cards. It hasn't been my vibe, partially. I don't know how it differs from AA. The way you can participate is a lot more limited if you're newer.


    [0:30:57] Billy: Unless you have X amount of months or a year, you're just limited in participation, which I don't like. I like talking. So, like, let me talk, and if I can't talk, then I want to be here.


    [0:31:11] Brianne Davis: You just can't talk more than three minutes.


    [0:31:13] Billy: You can share, but you can't do cross talk.


    [0:31:15] Brianne Davis: Whatever the cruise talk, you can't talk about other people when you're in those meetings, especially with money, sex, and food, you can't cross talk.


    [0:31:25] Billy: Yeah, I've been to other types of meetings, like for a friend where I went to an Allen On thing once and was like, okay, you could participate a little more. And so I just didn't like the vibe. Where am I at with it now? I'm just like, you know what? When I do have the extra cash, I'm not first thinking about how I can gamble it. I'm in a more adult mode, so there's a little bit of help where there's limited resource. And the resources I do have, I have things I do want to do with them. So it's helpful to go into a casino. I won't go to a casino with less than $1,000. Frankly, if I'm going to do Gamble Casino the way I like to do it, I prefer to have at least two grand. It's almost like it feels like not worth it. Because if I got to drive 3 hours and 3 hours back, I want to spend X amount of time and I'd like to at least make X amount of money if I win. If I win and I'm able to leave. So really the most gambling I end up doing is the back gaming. And the winter is helpful because it's fucking cold.


    [0:32:26] Billy: So I can't go to Union Square and play there for hours. It's gotten better where I'm not going to freeze while I lose. If I'm going to lose, I'll be a little comfortable.


    [0:32:35] Brianne Davis: I want to get a suntan. If you're going to lose, I want a suntan while I do it.


    [0:32:39] Billy: Yeah. I am in maintenance and like a low volume mode and just doing my best to get out of routine. So sometimes gambling can be part of a routine. If I can create other routines or different subway routes to the same place that bypasses Union Square, that's helpful. If I have other joys in my life, whether that's a partner or practices or I'm like doing a lot of creatively. I've been freelance writing more, so that's helpful. Not only am I being creatively generative, but I'm also making money from that. I've been writing for Mashable recently, so stuff like that. Just being generative at least helps with the maintenance where I don't have enough time and I may have some money and even when I gamble, it's some money. But usually I'm winning $50. I'm losing $50. Okay, sometimes I win $200, but sometimes I lose $500. But I'm able to manage it a little easier. But the best thing so far has been just filling my schedule with generative stuff and that's the best I can do for now.


    [0:33:48] Brianne Davis: That makes you feel good and productive?


    [0:33:50] Billy: Yeah. And the more the better I feel, the more productive I am, the less desire I have to go spend 8 hours in a park with some potentially homeless people playing back. If I can just folks check me on socials. You search Billy proscida. I pop right up PR o CIDA. And I host a great show called the Man Whore Podcast. Wherever you're listening to Secret Life, you can find me there.


    [0:34:17] Brianne Davis: Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your secret. I'm so grateful to know you. This has been such a great episode.


    [0:34:24] Billy: Yes, thank you. Thank you. I was happy to be here and.


    [0:34:27] Brianne Davis: If you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    [0:34:34] Billy: Bye.


    [0:34:39] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    34m | Feb 13, 2023
  • Genie: I’m Engaged to a Level One Sex Offender

    Genie shares her unique story of falling in love with a level one sex offender.

    TRIGGER WARNING - This episode contains topics that may be triggering. Listener discretion is advised.

    In an inspiring and heart-felt discussion, she dives into the complexities of such a relationship, focusing on themes of communication, cycles of abuse, mental health, and remaining hopeful. Genie's story is a powerful reminder to keep an open mind and to be understanding of the struggles faced by those who have made mistakes and are on a journey of redemption. With the help of Brianne Davis, author of a book about her experiences, Genie encourages all listeners to look beyond the label of 'sex offender' and to find empathy for those in her situation. Tune in to gain insight into the struggles of remaining in a love relationship with a sex offender and the importance of paying attention to online dangers.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Genie: My fiance was set up in a sting and did not know it, but he was communicating with a said minor, but wasn't a minor.


    [0:00:15] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

    Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funny secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really?


    [0:01:13] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, where, and live at all. Today. My guest is Genie. Now, Genie, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    [0:01:23] Genie: My secret is I am engaged to a level one sex offender.


    [0:01:27] Brianne Davis: Oh, okay. What is a level one sex offender?


    [0:01:31] Genie: Level one is usually not one that you would be able to look up on any regular data site, only because their offenses are so minimal. It could be, you know, public urination, it could be light and decent indecent exposure. And in my case, my fiance was set up in a sting and did not know it, but he was communicating with a said minor, but wasn't a minor.


    [0:01:57] Brianne Davis: Okay, take us back. First of all, how long have you been with him?


    [0:02:01] Genie: Well, we started dating in early 2021. That's when we met.


    [0:02:06] Brianne Davis: And how did you meet?


    [0:02:08] Genie: We met on an online dating site. The most popular one that's out there, tinder. But he had already been. And prior to that and what had got him to that point of communicating with that said person? He was already down a rabbit hole of addiction and being meeting people for just sex. And he was on Adult Friend finder a couple of other I call him sleazy dating sites. And he was down a dark path.


    [0:02:34] Brianne Davis: So he was addicted to the fantasy of the other person online?


    [0:02:41] Genie: Well, I think when the person is not naturally attracted to younger people, he was just the act of being sexually engaged with anyone who was easy and readily available. That was his target. If you were ready to go, do.


    [0:02:57] Brianne Davis: You think if it's even that, is it? What did he ever say to you? And I know we're jumping already into it, and I want to backtrack a little, but did he ever say to you because it was, like, a little wrong, he was communicating with her? Because as we get more in our addiction, it gets darker. And cedar and the things you thought you wouldn't do, you find yourself doing self doing. Yes.


    [0:03:23] Genie: I don't think he ever entertained that thought enough to think that he would go that direction. It was just all about real meet, have sex, be done, never talk to that person again, or if they called him back, maybe. And when I met him, his intent for me was to be a friends with Benefit. And I was like, well, okay, I see that's the route you want to go. I had been in the dating scene, too, and I didn't quite understand what the friends with benefit was completely defined as. I knew it, but I didn't know it. And when I asked him, so what is your definition of friends with Benefit? He goes, oh, two or three people. I go, don't you think that's a little unhealthy? It gets sloppy. It gets kind of you don't know. Communication can get lost, and you risk the chance of STDs and STIs. And I didn't know about this secret until three months after we started seeing each other and hanging out a lot. And because of my job, too, I worked then with the state, and he knew I was a mandated reporter.


    [0:04:26] Brianne Davis: Really? Wait, so he picked a mandated reporter and didn't tell you for three months?


    [0:04:32] Genie: Right. But after this, he had already been in the trial part of his case.


    [0:04:36] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:04:37] Genie: His incident happened three months prior to me.


    [0:04:40] Brianne Davis: Can you take us through what actually happened with him so people listening. I want them to hear what actually happened. So he was talking to some multiple.


    [0:04:49] Genie: People he was talking to, and one of them, somebody would grab on and kind of communicate a little bit more, and they started talking about meeting up, and she mentioned something. I've read the reports. I've read the psychosexual evaluation. I've read the police reports. I've even seen a cell phone while other details on it. The said young lady said that she was scared to do it at first because she hadn't actually had sex with somebody of his stature statue and was hesitant about it. And he goes, oh, well, we can take it slow, and we can do it oral. And I said, So you did want to do this? He goes, yeah, but I kind of entertained it to the fact that I knew it was going and meeting her in a public place and meeting her to say, are you sure you really want everyone your life like this? That's what he discussed with me afterwards. And I said, So you wouldn't have met her in a private place knowing that how old she said was? And he goes, no, I don't think I could have actually went through with the act.


    [0:05:39] Brianne Davis: And how old did she say she was?


    [0:05:41] Genie: 1515.


    [0:05:43] Brianne Davis: And how old is he?


    [0:05:44] Genie: He was in his early 40s.


    [0:05:47] Brianne Davis: Okay, so did he end up meeting her, or he went to the place.


    [0:05:52] Genie: And then went to the public place. And as soon as he pulled up, they knew exactly what car he was, who would he look like. They immediately arrested him, didn't tell him what it was about. They took him from one place, and they grilled him, saying, how would you like this if this was your daughter? Blah, blah, blah. And he knew what was up. He knew what had happened. At that point, he did spend two nights in jail, and when he went, yes, he does. He has two, and they're adults.


    [0:06:19] Brianne Davis: Boys or girls?


    [0:06:20] Genie: One boy, one girl.


    [0:06:21] Brianne Davis: I got you.


    [0:06:22] Genie: Okay. And I have three myself, so I have two girls and a boy.


    [0:06:26] Brianne Davis: Okay. How old are your kids?


    [0:06:28] Genie: Well, one's 24, 21, and 19.


    [0:06:32] Brianne Davis: Got it.


    [0:06:33] Genie: Well, one was not an adult when I had met him, but after he had told me, I was very careful of watching him and seeing how his responses were and how he was with my kids. Because if I would have gotten any kind of feeling that there was something off, I would have immediately said, yeah, we can't do this. He disclosed it to a couple of people. After he was done, he went through treatment and did the legal treatment that was required. In addition to helping himself, he also had the opportunity of having a counselor free of charge to him. This isn't for everybody. It's only because of his service background. He has access to having extra counseling. So that benefited him, I think, in the most in his healing process and understanding and getting through those ropes of learning. What he did was wrong with the communication of an inappropriate context with a minor. It was a heavy load. When he hit me with this.


    [0:07:25] Brianne Davis: I want to talk about that, actually. And then I have more questions about his healing, because I actually want to hear a little more about it. But how was that let's call it D Day when he told you, how did that go? Where were you? How did you feel?


    [0:07:37] Genie: We went on a day trip that day. We were doing some cool photography of some vintage cars, and then we stopped at a restaurant, play pool, came back, and then I always drove. It just was a thing I did. And he said, I have something I really need to tell you. It's kind of my own secret. And I was like, okay. And he told me. He disclosed me because I got in trouble with the sting, and this is what happened. And I said, wow, that's a big thing that happened, and I'm really glad you told me. And I handled it very calmly. I didn't freak out on him. And of course, it took me probably about I still communicated with him, and I asked him what his intent was. As we got farther, he opened up more and more and more with me. I did go to counseling myself at that time, and I wanted to understand to me, I think I wanted to know, how can I help this person, even if it's not for me. Maybe it's the next woman that he ends up dating, that he gets the treatment, he gets he gets all the things.


    [0:08:36] Genie: His kids appreciate the fact that Dad's done the things for himself, because I think that's the meaningful part. And I told him, I said, don't make this about me ever. I want this to be about what you want to do. I want it to be for your family, for your job, so you don't ever lose it, for your community involvement. Me last, and it took a while. I mean, I had a long discussion, a lot of journaling. I wrote down a lot of stuff. Oh, man, I burned that book. Actually, I called it the Burn Book. Afterwards, I wrote down all the stuff, and then I burned it. But, yes, it was it was pretty impactful, and I did end up disclosing it to my supervisor at work because I knew that I was in that position where if it were ever to be brought up legally and if it were found, I didn't want it to be contingent on me or my job.


    [0:09:22] Brianne Davis: And what did they say?


    [0:09:24] Genie: She understood it, and because my job the way it was at that point, she was very understanding and keeping it as confidential as possible. And I told her, I promise that he's not going to be in any settings around here, no family events until we know when the legal trial is done. And that's when he was when the legal trial was done. That's when he was labeled as one, and he was on restriction. He had to get travel things to go see me because we were in different counties.


    [0:09:53] Brianne Davis: Okay?


    [0:09:53] Genie: So he had to get a travel voucher from his probation officer, and he would come down once a week, and I would come up to his place every other week or so like that, and that's how we would see each other. We would go back and forth. Also, when he went to this legal thing, he had asked the judge, asked his attorney that he had hired to say, well, my girlfriend that I'm seeing does have one son that's 17 and a half. Can I put his name on the, you know, being supervised by her? And he they asked the judge that, and he granted it. Okay, so but ever since then, we I after 2021, and then we we dated for probably about a good six or seven months, and then I ended up moving into his place with his kids because then my kids all got their own places and my youngest went to their dads. And none of this was to my understanding in relation to my relationship, except for the fact that Mom's moving on.


    [0:10:43] Brianne Davis: Does any of your kids know about it or is this, like, a secret a lot of people don't know?


    [0:10:48] Genie: No. I had actually to talk to them a little bit about it. And then I talked to my fiance about it, and I said, this is mostly your story to tell, so if you ever want to sit down and openly talk to them about it and I asked them, I go, do you guys ever want to hear it? And they're like, no, we know what we know, and that's all we need to know. And you know what? They all have a wonder, since it's been about two and a half, almost two years, that we all have a great relationship, and it's worked out. They see him for who he is genuinely as a person now because he's overcome a lot of hurdles. And the reason why he went down that dark path and and became an addicted person because at a young age, he was pushed into being an instant father and married very quickly to a very older woman who already had kids.


    [0:11:31] Brianne Davis: So he was he was sexualized very young then.


    [0:11:35] Genie: Yes.


    [0:11:36] Brianne Davis: If he was with an older woman, whether he was of age or not, that can be a permanent damage to you.


    [0:11:42] Genie: Right. And then, of course, that marriage being as long as it was, there was a lot of online 18 years.


    [0:11:49] Brianne Davis: Wow.


    [0:11:49] Genie: Yeah, there was a lot of what he told me he felt like a doormat in a paycheck, probably about the same time he told me about this legal problem. He felt like a doormat and a paycheck and his wife and his wife's life.


    [0:12:00] Brianne Davis: Do you think then he started acting out online to escape that relationship?


    [0:12:05] Genie: Oh, he had numerous affairs while he was married.


    [0:12:08] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:12:08] Genie: He was trying to get away from that whole he wanted that connection with somebody who saw something in him, and the only thing he saw that he was useful for was for sex.


    [0:12:16] Brianne Davis: Right. Yeah. I mean, listen, I am a sex addict. I'm a sex and love addict, and I totally get when we use our sexuality or try to connect with other people through that, but it's like he went to the extreme because he was so disconnected from himself and his sexuality was taken away.


    [0:12:34] Genie: Exactly. Yeah.


    [0:12:37] Brianne Davis: So how far did it go down? Did he ever meet any minors or was that the first and only one, or have you asked him?


    [0:12:44] Genie: That was the first and only one, and I did ask him that. I asked him if he was ever attracted to him. I even went back and reading your book, too, and I asked him I go, did you ever have any incidences in your younger life where you may have been exposed to these kind of things? Because that's what I've seen a lot when I work with my former job, is seeing a pattern of exposure, and it just kind of continues. And it's one of those things that either people either can identify it, learn to get the treatment and stop it, or they can continue to choose doing that same thing over and over again until they don't see a problem with it.


    [0:13:15] Brianne Davis: And what did he say when you asked him that?


    [0:13:17] Genie: He never had that kind of exposure. He lost his virginity at an older age.


    [0:13:22] Brianne Davis: I know, but even with porn and stuff, did he look at porn at a young age? Because that's a big factor.


    [0:13:29] Genie: He may have had touch and go with that, but he never told me that he was ever addicted to the porn or anything. To me from what my background of going through the schooling that I went through and also understanding background for casework. There's nothing that significance a red flag to me that says, oh, he had this kind of exposure as a youngster, and this is why. It's just a lot of I think a lot of it mostly had to do with his parents being divorced, his dad not coming around, not having that love and connection attention, and being married to an older woman and still then falling in that whole trap of not feeling the love and connection. And it just seems like it's playing.


    [0:14:07] Brianne Davis: Online and those connections that feel real but they're actually false connections and then the stakes keep getting higher to get the hit and high you want.


    [0:14:16] Genie: Absolutely.


    [0:14:20] Brianne Davis: Does he get online anymore now or is that a no go?


    [0:14:24] Genie: Very little no. He's only on a couple of very social medias and he allows me to look at what he has.


    [0:14:30] Brianne Davis: Good.


    [0:14:30] Genie: He has no problem with me looking at what he has. There used to be a time in the beginning of our relationship his phone was always faced down, he'd always have notifications off. And I knew for the probably about the first six months he was still coming off of that high of being connected to those people.


    [0:14:45] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it takes a while. It's very hard to go cold turkey off of online anything, even online gaming, it's hard to go cold turkey. It's very difficult.


    [0:14:58] Genie: Even in the beginning of our relationship, I had caught him. He was going to hook up with some gal after we had had a huge weekend, a holiday weekend together. And then he was trying to persuade the neighbor that lived over at another place that we lived at together and I caught it and he tried to lie about it at first, but then he felt really bad and he backed down and it was just like it was wrong. I should have never flirted with her, I should have never kissed her on even though we were seeing each other, I was just thinking, I can get away with it.


    [0:15:30] Brianne Davis: And that was do you know why he did that? Why you guys were getting closer, why he did that?


    [0:15:36] Genie: I do, but I don't. It's like I can't go in his brain and actually pinpoint what it is, but he can only go by what he tells me.


    [0:15:43] Brianne Davis: Well, it's a definite fear of intimacy. So if you're getting closer to him in real life, he does anything he can to make that disconnection and go somewhere else. It's him chasing still that fantasy at that time because it was getting too real, probably, for you guys.


    [0:16:01] Genie: That is probably exactly it, because it was right before I had moved in with him.


    [0:16:05] Brianne Davis: That's what always happens. I was talking with somebody and they were like, every time we go, my boyfriend and I go on a family vacation, he picks a fight with me afterwards. And I'm like, yeah, because he's terrified of real intimacy. So he picks a fight with you because it was too real, and he didn't come from that background, so he doesn't know how to process it.


    [0:16:27] Genie: That's right. That's a very good analogy. One of the books that I did read with him, and I'm probably sure you're familiar with it, it's called out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes.


    [0:16:36] Brianne Davis: Yes, I love that book.


    [0:16:38] Genie: Oh, my gosh. If anybody's ever going through this kind of process. And one thing I do want to disclose about him being a sex offender and I don't want people to turn away from these people. Yes, there's people that have got extreme patterns of child molestation, rape and things like that, but with his being a level one, the way it was and going through the treatment is not an easy process because these people have to pay for this. It's no different from drug rehab. You have to pay for it. And if you can't get a job anywhere because of those legal things that you have pressed against you, then how are you able to afford the treatment to go forward?


    [0:17:14] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's a lot of money. People with this addiction, this tendency, it's really hard to get recovery.


    [0:17:21] Genie: Yeah, I think it was about $400 every month for him. And he would have meetings once a week, and he would tell me all about the meetings. I've never told him to tell me anything. I let him do I said, if you want to share, that's great. I'm here to be here to listen to you and help you through anything. And that's why when I read that book, I literally went through and I understood every piece of it, so I knew how to support him, and that was a big thing. And then I read well, I listened to yours on audiobook, but all those resources I got all my resources together. It's like, if I'm going to be anything, this man, I'm going to be a resource and help for him and get him through this. Like I said, I didn't want him to make it about me. I wanted it to be for himself and his family first. Yeah.


    [0:18:03] Brianne Davis: And I think it's really beautiful as a partner, the non judgmental and not taking it on. It's about you. I even work with a lot of partners and help them see like, this addiction has nothing to do with you. If he's going to go do that, it has no reflection of you. It's his own. But then I always have what in you, though, are not showing up. What in you depicts somebody unavailable, but it seems like he's doing the work. So you're showing up completely available and saying, here, you have to do your work and it's all on you. But I will show up for you to see how it's different, how you're handling it. And majority of the people, because they make it about them and it's not about them. He has a disease. He has a sickness. He's trying to escape himself in some way.


    [0:18:46] Genie: Exactly. Yeah. And I really dug deep into that because I wanted him to know that I want to understand every element of this. So I know everything that even when you talk about the whacka Mole addiction, like, he used to also be a smoker, and he just recently quit smoking. And so I said, so have you found yourself finding addiction to anything else? And then lately it's been I call it the TikTok rabbit hole.


    [0:19:12] Brianne Davis: TikTok is a huge one. That is a huge addiction, actually. It's bad. So what is he doing now? So he's going down that rabbit hole of watching videos.


    [0:19:23] Genie: Yeah, and I want to back it up just a little bit. But before then, when he was going to counseling and I was going to counseling and because we had had those hurdles of him still trying to interact with people and trying to get better and then going into counseling, I actually sat down and said, let's come up with healthy things that we can do. So we started doing more stuff in the kitchen. We started making cakes together, we started making other recipes together. We've gone camping. Another thing we did is, I don't know if you've seen those glass cubes that people put like fairy lights in, but instead of putting fairy lights in every time we went out somewhere, like even a coaster or a menu or something small that we could put in their little shrinkage, and we started collecting memory jars. We're on our fifth one right now. And they're positive things. I always told him, let's think of positive things that we can change, those negative things that you are so easily fallen into. And I think that was the biggest thing, is another part of me working with him to better himself.


    [0:20:18] Brianne Davis: But I also love that, yes, I'm all about positivity, but there's a time and a place for it. So he still had to go through the negative stuff with his therapy, his groups, whatever he's doing, and then you be there next to him and then trying to expand his life instead of making it smaller.


    [0:20:38] Genie: Right.


    [0:20:38] Brianne Davis: I don't look at it as positivity. I just look at it as you expanding you guys'life together.


    [0:20:44] Genie: That's a good way to put it. Definitely. It's like I try not to monitor him, but I do monitor him. I think that's just my fear of him going down that addiction hole. But I think we're kind of far enough away from it now. But I always do check in.


    [0:20:59] Brianne Davis: I think it's important. The first five to ten years, you kind of have to do check ins. I don't ever suggest to make sure you're checking it 24/7. But when you're getting out of this specific addiction, it is the hardest one to get out of it, and you have to be diligent and little things can trigger you just even seeing something on a website. So it is always important for them to have accountability. Like for me, I had accountability with my partner. It just is it's? You showing up authentically, but there has to be no judgment on the other side. And I think that's where you have a good balance with it.


    [0:21:39] Genie: Yes. And that is one of our strong suits from coming from both of our rocky marriages that we've had. And the lack of communication was the hardest part that we didn't understand a lot from our marriage. It just wasn't there. And I think that's what has helped us in our relationships, like communication, communication, communication. We have to talk about it. Even if it's the nitty gritty and it hurts and it feels like it's just ugly, we have to talk about it.


    [0:22:08] Brianne Davis: You do. Communication is the most important. But I am going to ask you a question, and it's going to be might be difficult to answer, because if someone has a young child that this has happened to them, what would you say to them? How would you explain his side to them to make them feel understanding? Or maybe there's nothing you can say, so I don't know. So I was wondering if you've ever thought about that.


    [0:22:36] Genie: I have thought about that. I was with him when he was really restricted as far as the restriction goes, too. They even monitor his phone. Yeah, he monitors electronic devices on any communication. Anything he searched. If you searched anything about anatomy, they would have dinged him and he would have been in trouble by his PO and heartbeat. I think when I was out in public with him, there was a lot of questions asked, even from his treatment counselor, saying, did you have a kid come up and touch you or bump into you? If something like that happens, you need to say something and express it and tell people and people in your group how you feel. I think if there was anything that I could tell that there was something discomforting, like if a kid was being too close to him and he was just like, I need to get this makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to get in trouble again. I don't want to feel like I'm going to get prosecuted for this kid coming at me. So I think it's just about us learning boundaries, and because we're much older and our kids are much older, and of course there's going to be kids coming into our life that are younger from them having their children. It's his story to tell. Again, I've always said it's his story to tell. And if he feels that it's something that's going to make him uncomfortable in a setting, in a place with lots of children around, then I've always told him, we can go.


    [0:23:54] Genie: We can leave. We don't have to stay here.


    [0:23:56] Brianne Davis: Okay. And if any parents that have dealt with that they're younger kids talking to older people online, what would be your advice for them just because you've dealt with it on the other side?


    [0:24:09] Genie: As a parent myself, I monitored my kids devices. I paid for it, I monitor it, amen. And I hate it when people sit there. Well, my kid won't take their device away. They don't need it. You tell them you'll pick them up and drop them off, you'll be there. Do it like you did in the 80s.


    [0:24:27] Brianne Davis: You didn't even have a cell phone or a phone.


    [0:24:31] Genie: I'm picking you up at so and so's house, and if you're not there, I know you were lying. But also working part of my line of work that I worked with, reading cases, there were young girls who had been sexualized younger.


    [0:24:44] Brianne Davis: Well, then, mostly likely, there's a brokenness about them. I work with a lot of young girls, especially 15 and 16 year olds. And anybody that's online looking for that connection is lacking a connection in their real life that's just exactly some damage was done, some abandonment, some low self esteem, fear of intimacy, fear of being loved. But I believe that this social media world we live in is making it a thousand times worse.


    [0:25:15] Genie: Definitely. And it's tough. And even in the field where I'm at now, I won't disclose because I don't want too much to get out there, but I see people, even the kids that are on these cases, on Zoom, and I see their Zoom profile picture, and then they come on, and I'm like, Whoa. I would have instantly thought that person that was in that picture was over 20 years old. And I thought, how dangerous? When I know that that person that's really on that Zoom is under 18.


    [0:25:42] Brianne Davis: Yeah. So scary. And wanting to grow up so quickly as well. There's always that need. As a young child, I mean, I even wanted to grow up quickly. We all do. But we have to protect the innocent, even from themselves, right? I do have one more question I'm dying to ask. I do have a son. We were just talking about the same thing. But how do I protect my son? He's four and. A half. But how do I protect him from online creditors, however they are, innocent or not, how do I protect him?


    [0:26:17] Genie: Again, monitoring him? What is he going on and educating him? That's not a safe place. There's probably people in there that are not okay to talk to you. And if somebody asks you questions that you don't feel comfortable, you tell me right away. Even some of the stuff that my kids used to play, like called penguin back in the day, there was always somebody on there, and they would start cursing them. Oh, my God, mom, this person's cursing at me. And I might report them, report them right away because I don't know who they are. I don't know. There could be some 30 something year old playing around on the kids game and trying to get kids. And like I said, I monitored a lot of stuff. I monitor even snapchat. I monitored my kids on that. They told me some kid was getting ready to want to fight another kid. I said shut it down.


    [0:27:04] Genie: Don't get in the middle of it, and we're going to take it to school.


    [0:27:07] Brianne Davis: Yes, I love that. That's great too. I love having you on. Is there anything else you want to share that you feel like you need to come on and talk about so people understand the other side of this behavior?


    [0:27:20] Genie: I don't like it when people sit there and generalize that all sex offenders are bad. They should be shot or killed or hurt or something in that way. I think as a society that's already lacking a lot of strength in the mental health field, that we really need to take a step back and saying, you know what? They're still in our community. They're still around. We don't know what it is.


    [0:27:39] Brianne Davis: They're still human. They're still breathing.


    [0:27:40] Genie: They're still human. And it's easy for a sex and love addict to fall in that trap because it's that fine line, and all of a sudden you could just go right over there and be like, oh, I really didn't want to go that far. And I just really wish the world or the United States in general would really focus on mental health a lot more. And I wish it wasn't so expensive so these people can get the treatment they need, so they can stop the cycle. Because when they don't get the treatment they need, they're right back on the street doing what they've been normally doing to survive.


    [0:28:15] Brianne Davis: It's a survival tactic to numb out and not be in reality. That's all it is. It really is. It's living in fantasy so you don't have to live in reality with how you're feeling.


    [0:28:25] Genie: Right? And there are some that are against the grain with the whole thing. Like I said, I've read cases where people are non registered sex offenders target younger young women or women in general with young kids, and they just perpetrate on them and drug habits. And it's just like, again, if we had the money going the right direction for those things, we would have a lot of healthier people.


    [0:28:48] Brianne Davis: I did the extreme cases, for sure. The ones that have raped or hurt children in that way, there is a perversion that they want to take the innocence because they never had that innocence. So I was talking one time to a professional about it. She specializes in it. That is a mental health issue that you actually have to go and work on because they're stuck in this adolescent style of sexuality and wanting to connect to when they were that young.


    [0:29:23] Genie: Right.


    [0:29:23] Brianne Davis: She had a whole different idea around it, which I found fascinating because, you know, a lot of sexual predators are in essay and slaa and I see them all the time and I'm friends with them that have had issues in the past and they're good people. They were just struggling themselves with mental health, addiction and all of that.


    [0:29:46] Genie: Yeah. One thing I explained when my fiance first got into his group setting, I said, I just want you to keep in mind, and this is something that I had to keep in mind when I've read cases a lot was these people didn't just wake up one day and decide, I'm just going to go molest people. No, it was something that the pattern behavior that had happened, something had happened to them. And I could read every psychological background that I've ever read and be like, boom, there it is.


    [0:30:11] Brianne Davis: It's generational. Usually it's passed down if it happened in the family, it's usually passed down in generations. If people don't actually do the work, they need to see why that happened to them or heal from.


    [0:30:24] Genie: Exactly.


    [0:30:25] Brianne Davis: Just like rage, just like violence that happens. It's passed down everything. Yeah.


    [0:30:30] Genie: And like I said, it's stopping it with the mental health and wanting it to stop.


    [0:30:35] Brianne Davis: Well, I'm so grateful to have you on. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm honored and I really appreciate it.


    [0:30:45] Genie: I appreciate you too. I appreciate your book and everything about it. You helped me a great deal. I had him listen to it. He loved it too. I would have really loved for him to be here, but I thought, I'm going to tell it from my story this time. I'm going to tell it from my point of view.


    [0:30:59] Brianne Davis: No, I love it. Thank you. Thank you for doing that.


    [0:31:02] Genie: All right, thank you.


    [0:31:04] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    [0:31:14] Genie: Bye.


    [0:31:16] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    31m | Feb 6, 2023
  • John: I Collect Fake Celebrity Nudes — Over 15,000 of Them

    John shares his journey with grief and how celebrity photoshop nude fakes have given him solace. He'll discuss how he's been able to cope with writer's block since his mother's death, and how he's hoping to take his hobby to the next level. Tune in for an intimate look into his healing process, and come out with a newfound perspective on grief.

    Host Brianne Davis provides helpful advice, poignant stories, and plenty of laughter. Join John on this emotional, heartfelt journey to find healing and hope on Secret Life.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] John: My favorite actress, for example, she'll never, like, do like, nude scenes or anything like that, so I kind of look at the fakes. This is kind of fantasy.


    [0:00:19] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast.


    [0:00:22] Brianne Davis: Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.


    [0:00:30] Brianne Davis: Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.


    [0:01:01] Brianne Davis: Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne. Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really the how, what, one way, or live at all. Today. My guest is John. Now, John, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:27] John: So my secret is I collect celebrity photoshop, nude, fakes.


    [0:01:32] Brianne Davis: How long have you been doing that?


    [0:01:34] John: Since 2000.


    [0:01:36] Brianne Davis: 2000, okay, so dive in. What made you start doing that? Did you create them yourself? Like, take me back when that all started. Was something going on?


    [0:01:48] John: No, I didn't create any at that time. Basically what had happened is I was watching a new TV show that had just come out, I think, andromeda andromeda yeah, it's like a side fiction TV show.


    [0:02:03] John: Yeah.


    [0:02:04] John: I liked one of the actresses and so I pretty much went to Google, looked for her nude, and stumbled across the fake. And that was the first fake I ever found of her.


    [0:02:16] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:02:17] Brianne Davis: Did you buy it or do you.


    [0:02:18] Brianne Davis: Just take it from is it free? How does that work?


    [0:02:22] John: Free? I just found it on Google image search.


    [0:02:26] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:02:27] John: And pretty much like, just copied the image to my computer at the time was really old.


    [0:02:36] Brianne Davis: What do you think it is about the fake? Because there are a lot of celebrity nudes that are real, but you only like the fake ones.


    [0:02:44] John: No, it's more back then, she had never done that. Okay, so it's more of a fantasy thing.


    [0:02:57] Brianne Davis: Yes. So you've been doing that for almost 23 years.


    [0:03:02] John: Yeah, it's slowed down quite a bit. I don't collect as much anymore. Basically, if I see one I like, I just download it and stick it with the rest of them.


    [0:03:15] Brianne Davis: So how many do you think you have that's embarrassing? Well, that's why we are here. This is a show where we get to say all those embarrassing things. I have been there. I have said very many embarrassing things.


    [0:03:29] John: So I have about last count, over 15,000.


    [0:03:34] Brianne Davis: 15,000?


    [0:03:36] John: Yeah. Over.


    [0:03:37] John: Wow.


    [0:03:38] Brianne Davis: Over. Oh, my God. What do you do with them? They just sit there. Do you go through them? Do you, like, celebrate that? Like, what do you do with them?


    [0:03:47] John: Sometimes I just look at them and admire the work that went into them. Because some of them you can really tell because some people who make them just do a crappy don't put an effort into it.


    [0:04:04] John: Yeah.


    [0:04:05] Brianne Davis: So you almost see them as artwork.


    [0:04:07] John: Yeah.


    [0:04:08] Brianne Davis: And then do you find someone you like or you don't know, and then you go watch all their movies or their TV shows?


    [0:04:14] John: Sometimes. And there are some that I found and liked and then later just hated them. Because see, I think I have an OCD thing, and I see one minor detail that's off, and it bugs me.


    [0:04:36] Brianne Davis: That's all you focus on.


    [0:04:37] John: Yeah.


    [0:04:38] Brianne Davis: Got it. So if it's a bad art, if it's bad, do you keep that or do you throw that away or you still keep it?


    [0:04:46] John: I keep it. I guess there's some that are just not great that I keep. I think keeping them is nostalgia's sake.


    [0:04:54] John: Got it.


    [0:04:55] Brianne Davis: So it's almost like somebody collecting baseball cards or something. It sounds like there's this compulsion to it a bit.


    [0:05:04] John: Yeah. In the last couple of years, I've kind of started semi getting out of it.


    [0:05:11] Brianne Davis: Okay. What does that mean?


    [0:05:15] John: I used to look for new ones pretty much every day. Nowadays I look maybe every couple of weeks.


    [0:05:26] Brianne Davis: Oh. So what's been going on where you've decreased the searching for them in your life?


    [0:05:33] John: Maybe as I get older, I just don't enjoy them as much.


    [0:05:36] Brianne Davis: Does anybody in your life know about them?


    [0:05:40] John: Three people.


    [0:05:41] Brianne Davis: Three people? Who are those three people?


    [0:05:43] John: Two were by choice, and one was not by choice.


    [0:05:46] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you got caught?


    [0:05:48] John: Yeah. So basically the one who caught me was one of my female cousins.


    [0:05:55] Brianne Davis: Oh, no. So you went on your computer and and saw them?


    [0:05:58] John: I had collected some early this was back in high school, and I had collected some mended day at school. And I brought them home, loaded them on the computer, and forgot to close the images out. She came up to visit, came up to my room and walked in, and I turned around to something else, and all I heard was, what's this?


    [0:06:24] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Did your stomach drop?


    [0:06:27] John: That's one way of putting it in.


    [0:06:30] Brianne Davis: Okay. What happened?


    [0:06:31] John: We're like sheer panic.


    [0:06:33] John: Yeah.


    [0:06:34] John: And it's like, adjoked by folks.


    [0:06:37] Brianne Davis: How old were you at the time?


    [0:06:39] John: Between 16 and 18. And she never did she pretty much.


    [0:06:46] Brianne Davis: Just kept that secret?


    [0:06:48] John: Yeah. She pretty much said, this is normal. Looking at this kind of stuff is normal, and sat down and just looked through them. And she, like, recognized some of the celebrities. The other two were by choice. This is what I've been doing.


    [0:07:08] Brianne Davis: Who were they?


    [0:07:09] John: Just good friends.


    [0:07:10] Brianne Davis: Okay. And what they say?


    [0:07:12] John: Pretty much same thing. Like that kind of stuff is normal.


    [0:07:15] John: Yeah.


    [0:07:15] Brianne Davis: Looking at porno images and all that is completely normal. But the difference between yours is that they're fake and you know they're fake. So what about it? Do you like that aspect of it that I'm curious about, that you know they're not real, but you still like them.


    [0:07:31] John: Well, I guess the closest fantasy, because some celebrities will never do, like, nude scenes or pose nude for magazines. Like, my favorite actress, for example. One of my favorite actresses is named Danielle Panabaker. She'll never do, like, nude scenes or anything like that, so I kind of look at the fakes. This is kind of fantasy.


    [0:08:02] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's complete fantasy. And do you think with looking at those, that it keeps you distant from having a relationship in real life or no.


    [0:08:14] John: You mean like a girlfriend or yeah, not really. I kind of don't have much interest in a girlfriend at this point.


    [0:08:25] Brianne Davis: Oh, really? Have you ever had a girlfriend?


    [0:08:27] John: No, I've just never had the interest.


    [0:08:31] Brianne Davis: Okay, here's my question for you. When did you start looking at pornographic images? At what age do you think?


    [0:08:39] John: REM high school days.


    [0:08:41] Brianne Davis: High school?


    [0:08:44] John: I think the first one was Playboy.


    [0:08:46] Brianne Davis: So when we look at those images a lot and I've done a lot of work around this, it desensitizes our own sexuality, because then the fantasy is more it becomes everything instead of the reality. The reality of a person being with another person or a woman doesn't match the fantasy. Do you think that's true?


    [0:09:10] John: I guess it depends. Now, with fakes, usually people get aroused by this stuff. I don't.


    [0:09:21] Brianne Davis: You don't? No, not at all.


    [0:09:24] John: Well, I mean, back when I first started collecting, maybe. No.


    [0:09:29] Brianne Davis: So interesting. Not at all. So when you look at it and it's just like, oh, that's a great fake, they did a good job with taking her face and putting it on. That's what you look at mostly than the nude.


    [0:09:43] John: Yeah, pretty much. Like, a few years ago, I used to use fakes as wallpapers on, like, my tablet.


    [0:09:50] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:09:51] John: But now I don't do that much anymore.


    [0:09:54] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:09:55] John: Mostly because I go out in public a lot now.


    [0:09:58] Brianne Davis: So you're getting out of the house?


    [0:10:00] John: Yeah.


    [0:10:01] Brianne Davis: That's probably why you've been doing less, do you believe? Because you said it's been, like, less used to do it every day and now you're doing it weekly.


    [0:10:10] John: Yeah, it's actually possible. I have a few friends I hang out with, and so that kind of helps.


    [0:10:18] Brianne Davis: It does help. It does help. I believe when we are stuck with these images, especially when they are fantasy, when we deny ourselves that authentic connection with other human beings, we miss out. And the moment you open yourself up to that and you're getting out of the computer screen with these images and with actual friends, that's what is a real connection.


    [0:10:41] John: And I think I started heavily collecting quite a few years ago because of grief?


    [0:10:48] John: Yeah.


    [0:10:49] Brianne Davis: What were you going through?


    [0:10:50] John: My mom died from cancer about 1011 years ago, and that's about when I started heavily collecting.


    [0:10:59] John: Yeah.


    [0:10:59] Brianne Davis: That's where you found comfort, right?


    [0:11:01] John: Yeah.


    [0:11:02] Brianne Davis: Not feeling alone. A huge loss.


    [0:11:05] John: Yeah. And I read this article online about how one guy got into fakes and it completely destroyed his life.


    [0:11:15] John: Yeah.


    [0:11:16] Brianne Davis: What did he say in the article? Why it destroyed his life.


    [0:11:19] John: He decided to start looking at fakes at his place of employment. I can safely say I've never done.


    [0:11:31] Brianne Davis: You haven't done that?


    [0:11:32] John: No. But the article also did the flip side where it actually saved somebody's life because I guess, like me, they lost their mother.


    [0:11:42] John: Yeah.


    [0:11:43] John: And they were thinking about ending stuff, so I guess that saved them.


    [0:11:49] Brianne Davis: Well, it did, because we reach for those outside things that we feel connected to, and it doesn't feel safe with another human being, especially if you lost somebody so important to you so they can give you that outlet of connection.


    [0:12:02] John: Yeah, I can agree with that.


    [0:12:04] Brianne Davis: Have you been doing work on the loss and the trauma of it with your mom?


    [0:12:09] John: Yeah, I had a therapist for a while. I think I'm kind of there now. Not easy. Never really all that easy.


    [0:12:19] Brianne Davis: No, grief is never easy. We run from grief. But are you finally feeling like you've felt it and moving through it?


    [0:12:27] John: Yeah, I think so. I've also got friends I talked to about it, too.


    [0:12:32] Brianne Davis: Oh, good.


    [0:12:34] John: One of my friends went through the same thing, actually.


    [0:12:38] Brianne Davis: Well, that always helps when I'm going through a hard time to find a group of people that have been through similar situations and they have them online. All over online as well. Grief and loss groups.


    [0:12:50] John: Yeah. I found this app, actually, called Seven Cups. Kind of like a sort of therapy app where you can go and talk to people.


    [0:12:59] John: Yeah.


    [0:13:00] John: And it's kind of helped me a bit.


    [0:13:02] Brianne Davis: Good.


    [0:13:03] John: Now, I have to admit, back when this all happened, I did used to make them.


    [0:13:09] Brianne Davis: You did used to make them for a short period. And what did that feel like when you were actually making the fake nude photos of celebrities?


    [0:13:18] John: That's hard to describe. Proud that I made one that looked decent, actually, because I still have one I made that is still my favorite.


    [0:13:29] Brianne Davis: What is it? Who is it?


    [0:13:31] John: Her name is Cody Depblo from the TV show NCIS. And it was like a lingerie style fake, not even nude. And that's still my favorite one I've made.


    [0:13:44] Brianne Davis: I know her. She's very nice. But here's the thing. I did want to ask you this, and I know probably our listeners are wondering, do you ever think of the actual person you're doing the nude of? Like, when you're cutting out their face or you're seeing their face and you know that's not them? Do you ever actually think of that.


    [0:14:06] John: Person in what way?


    [0:14:08] Brianne Davis: I don't know. If they choose not to be nude and then someone puts their face on a new body, have you ever thought about how that could make them feel?


    [0:14:16] John: Yeah, that's kind of why I stopped.


    [0:14:19] Brianne Davis: Oh, tell me about it. So you had that thought. What was the feelings that came up?


    [0:14:23] John: Pretty much just yeah, maybe they don't want this. Yeah, let's not do this.


    [0:14:28] John: Yeah.


    [0:14:29] Brianne Davis: That they're a human being as well.


    [0:14:31] John: Yeah, pretty much that.


    [0:14:32] John: Yeah.


    [0:14:33] Brianne Davis: And do you think that was one of the reasons about hanging out with friends more, getting out into the world and then that realization that they're humans as well?


    [0:14:41] John: Yeah, quite a bit, actually. And I haven't made one in seven, nine years.


    [0:14:49] Brianne Davis: Well, it seems like you're kind of an artist, too. Have you ever thought of trying to do something even different with your art because you enjoy art?


    [0:14:57] John: It seems like I kind of have. I've started not officially, not like paid stuff, just editing images into wallpapers and just like posting it to a deviant arc page.


    [0:15:14] Brianne Davis: I think you'd be great at it. There's something in it that inspires you, and I think it takes dedication and you have that. I don't know.


    [0:15:23] John: Yeah, I used to have something that was like that, but I used to write quite a bit.


    [0:15:28] Brianne Davis: Maybe it's time to pick it back up.


    [0:15:30] John: The issue is, ever since my mother died, I've had writer's block.


    [0:15:35] Brianne Davis: I know. And believe me, I know, writer's block and all that and trauma and all that, but it's like maybe you reaching out to me and wanting to come on and share the secret isn't a way for you to step through it now.


    [0:15:49] John: Yeah, that could be a good way of looking at it. And I've started dabbling with writing a bit more.


    [0:15:56] John: Good.


    [0:16:00] Brianne Davis: Well, I'm so grateful you came on. I'm so grateful to have this conversation. I never expected to have this conversation. It's been beautiful and I understanding so much. And thank you for reaching out to me.


    [0:16:14] John: Yeah, no problem.


    [0:16:15] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    [0:16:27] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again.


    [0:16:44] Brianne Davis: See you soon.



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    16m | Jan 30, 2023
  • Ruby: I’m a Sex & Love Addict and I Struggle with Sexual Anorexia & Intimacy

    Ruby shares her story of struggle and hope as she overcomes anorexia, sex and love addiction, and fear of intimacy. Listen as she shares her journey through twelve step programs, therapy and support from family and friends. Gain insight into her challenges and victories as she opens up to discuss her experiences and share her wisdom. Ruby’s story will inspire you to face your own challenges and find the courage to heal.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript

    [0:00:00] Ruby: The part of me that will keep saying no because I'm so afraid of letting someone in. And the big umbrella of the whole thing is I'm so terrified to let anyone know me.


    [0:00:17] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis. Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves and others. You know, those deep, dark secrets we probably want to go to our grave with, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain and embarrassing.


    [0:01:18] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. My guest today is Ruby. Ruby, my question for you is "what is your secret?"


    [0:01:30] Ruby: All right, so my secret is that I am a sex and love addict. And there are other components to that as well, which is like, there's the anorexia of sex and love addiction.


    [0:01:42] Brianne Davis: Well, let's talk about that. Everybody knows I'm in the program. How long have you been around?


    [0:01:50] Ruby: I think my whole life. I've been around in other twelve step programs for my whole life. The People Pleasing program. The Allen on program. I've been in that one. But what I realized was that I had a lot of my own little things that I kept hidden by all the ways that I tried to manage and control everybody outside of myself. I would say that I started in the Alanon program, which is really trying to manage and control. And then I started to recognize that I never wanted anybody to see my flaws. That was part of my thing. So a lot of my stuff was just this strange behavior that manifested like sex and love addiction. It sort of came out in a way that to get things as a way to avoid things as a way to avoid intimacy, because we all know the definition of intimacy is intimately, you see, but I love that term, but I used it. I just always had an ulterior motive with sex and love addiction until I learned that love and sex is supposed to be a byproduct of commitment and sharing and connection and cooperation and all these beautiful things. They talk about it. I never had any experience with it in that realm. I always just thought it was to be used as a tool and never as something that actually was something that was beautiful for engaging in a partnership with someone.


    [0:03:08] Ruby: My whole life on that.


    [0:03:10] Brianne Davis: Yeah, as we've discussed it before. I know for me, I would put on these masks to become someone else. I never wanted to show the real me.


    [0:03:22] Ruby: Yeah. Which is really exhausting and very painful. And then I think as you get older, we get tired of wearing a mask all the time. You need to breathe, whereas when you're not being who you are, you are imploding on yourself. You're keeping everything kept inside. So I think recognizing that I had that thing, which was like why I always felt so weird about intimacy and relationships kept me so disconnected from my partners. So I was able to have a partnership with friends, like girlfriends. I could have great relationships with girlfriends. I felt super connected. I was able to be super intimate with my girlfriends in the way that we communicated and whatnot. But when it came to a partner where there was actual physical intimacy and the friendship, I didn't know how to combine the two. I could have intimacy, but I didn't know how to be friends with those people. I just knew that I had to put on my little sex kitten characteristic and be this little thing to make them think about me the way I wanted myself to be looked at as, which kept me far away from being able to be who I was and also from being able to speak out for what I needed. So it was a long, long lot of years worth of not being who I was in my intimacy life and it was very painful looking back at it.


    [0:04:38] Brianne Davis: So let's say you've been around and you've looked at it and you've done the work. But now I really want to discuss the anorexia side of it because I haven't actually discussed that yet. So I'm interested if you want to explain that to the listeners.


    [0:04:54] Ruby: Yeah. So anorexia in the realm of sex and love addiction is the same as like food addiction where eating disorders in the realm. Plus I have that too. When I was younger, I did a lot of messing around with anorexia as far as in the food realm, what it is, it's a fear of overeating. So you tend to undereat and the smaller you can become, the safer you feel. So it's kind of like that. With sexuality, the way that it manifested was I would go really quickly into a relationship with someone. Like, I would meet someone and I would probably be sleeping with them that.


    [0:05:29] Brianne Davis: Day and then moving in and then like, no, I didn't really do that.


    [0:05:34] Ruby: A lot of my time I didn't.


    [0:05:35] Brianne Davis: Either, but I know a lot of people.


    [0:05:37] Ruby: I know a lot of people that do that. I was too smart for that because I knew that just down the line. Also, that was too scary because the anorexic part of me would be like, that would make me crazy if I had to be around that person for too long because I feel like I need to get away. I couldn't tolerate that kind of intimacy. So anorexia in the realm of sex and love addiction is sort of getting like I would just have a casual sex encounter with someone because it was a lot safer than letting somebody see me or letting myself see someone else. And it had only to do with the body and the physical sensation, but nothing to do with connection. Right? Yeah. And then all of a sudden, I didn't have to get turned off by that person, by what thing they might do or say that would turn me off. So it was a way to stay very disconnected, very unintimate. But you're having intimacy, which is such a really strange dual thing. You're being intimate, but you don't know the person at all, and you're allowing yourself to be physically intimate. But getting to know someone was far too scary, so quick. Intimacies with strangers was a lot more comfortable for me. And anorexia kicks in in that I would go long periods of time without being with someone, so terrified to actually allow myself to be intimate with someone.


    [0:06:53] Ruby: And then I would get to where having a quick intimacy to someone was starting to hurt me too much. It started to feel too painful. So I would then just be like, I'm not going to be with anyone until I feel really comfortable with someone. But the anorexia part of me would not let myself get to know someone well enough to feel comfortable. So then I would go through these periods of time where I was feeling very anorexic.


    [0:07:15] Brianne Davis: So it's withholding it's withholding yourself and your sexuality. It's withholding I definitely know what that feels like for me. It's easier too, to be intimate with someone I don't know than intimate with someone I love. The two didn't go together. So how long were the periods of you being anorexic sexually?


    [0:07:38] Ruby: I mean, there were some times where I would go two years without having being sexual with someone. Maybe I'd have a make out session here or there, but there would be sometimes two years. I think the longest is maybe. I think three years is complete, no abstinence from sex, but like I said, a few little makeups and those few little make outs, or there would be like three years of complete and total abstinence from sex, thinking that I was doing something really good for myself. Yeah, myself for the right thing. And then I'd meet someone, and then that night I'd sleep with them. I'd be like, what just happened? How did I go from not being with anyone for three years thinking that I was going to do the right thing for myself and save myself until I felt connected to someone? And then I meet someone and my brain goes into just like an alcoholic who's been sober, thinking like, I'm not going to drink that drink. I don't need to drink that first thing. Then you're like, I could just have a sip. It'll be okay. Yeah. And I'm not an alcoholic, but that's from what I've read. That's so funny to me, but that's how it works in the realm of sexual addiction and sexual anorexia is I can go being very strong about it, and I'm not going to have an encounter with someone that's not connected.


    [0:08:52] Ruby: And then I just meet someone and then they look at me a certain way, and then I think, just hang out with that person. I haven't been with anybody in a while. And then all of a sudden, they'll be trying to be sexual with me. And I'll be like, no, I'm not going to go there. And then they get aggressive enough. And to me, that's like a go. Like, if somebody's going to be aggressive enough and that's the part of me that I really check into, was the part of me that needed that person to be that aggressive to where then I would just roll over and be like, okay. And that scared me that once somebody got aggressive and over me, then I would just be like, okay.


    [0:09:27] Brianne Davis: Do you know what that ties from? Did you tie it back to anything?


    [0:09:31] Ruby: I mean, I've done so much writing on it. I think ever since the beginning of my intimacy life, I always heard in my voice the voice in my head was my mother being like, don't let men touch you. They'll hurt you. They'll try to take advantage of you. They'll hurt you. All this negative, negative, negative, negative. So I have this total like, no. And then what happens? I say no, but then if somebody come along and be that aggressive, I would think, wow, they really must like me. They really want to be with me.


    [0:10:04] Brianne Davis: That makes sense.


    [0:10:05] Ruby: Yeah. So then my head will think, well, I guess maybe this is meant to be since they really want to be with me, but not like, thinking in terms of like they just want to get laid. They're going to be a little bit some people are a little shy and.


    [0:10:16] Brianne Davis: They are like, they need me. I need to give them this because they need it so bad. They want me so much.


    [0:10:24] Ruby: Yeah. And that makes me feel important. Like, they must really want me. I must be really valuable that they're really going to try to push me. Not thinking like, my no should be my no is enough, but also the anorexic part of the no part of my voice will keep going for three years because I keep saying, no, no, no, the anorexic part of me until someone is aggressive enough. And then I'm like, okay, well, they really want me, so I should say yeah, because maybe I haven't been with anybody a long time. Maybe I just need to let go and just relax about this. This is quick switches of my brain out.


    [0:11:03] Brianne Davis: Here's my question for you and for other people that don't understand this. Do you find that the anorexia side of this disease very hard? I almost find it more difficult to overcome than the acting out part.


    [0:11:18] Ruby: Do you agree? Yes. Because you can get caught in that cycle of I'm not going to let the part of me that will keep saying no because I'm so afraid of letting someone in. And the big umbrella of the whole thing is I'm so terrified to let anyone know me and really see me. So that part of me is stronger, is really strong, so I can go long periods of time. And like I said, there are these moments of, like, amnesia where I forget and I'll just sleep with somebody after two years of no one. Right? At that one moment, I'll just be like, he's really cute. He's really sweet. I'll just whatever, let's just have fun. Because there's that part of me that just thinks, let's just live a little. Let it go. But that's the extreme other side. There has to be like a middle ground is what I'm finding is like, that's not okay and not and not they say the anorexia of Sly is not doing something and not doing something and not doing something just like you can. Like I'm noticing in my writing and all my growing right now, my issues have been coming up for me is like change.


    [0:12:25] Ruby: Change is really hard for me.


    [0:12:27] Brianne Davis: It's hard for a lot of people. Just so you know, change is very difficult for people.


    [0:12:32] Ruby: It's really hard. But I find it easier when I have people around me that support me. But I've kind of been solo for a little while, and so I really find that change thing has really been triggering for me of, like, I'm trying to make some decisions about to move or to not move or to rent my house or not rent a house or to stay or to not. Or I get to invite someone to rent part of the house. I've had ongoing things like that and my fear of making a mistake. Maybe it's the mother in my voice, the mother had saying, you're going to make a mistake and you're going to screw yourself over and you're going to get hurt. They're going to hurt you, they're going to take you. It kind of bled through now. That's an old story, and I've slowly been trying to move that story out from the forefront of my path because it's blocking me from taking risks and jumping in and jumping in the current. Like, I read something beautiful about how awesome is that when you can jump in the current and not grab the sides, not be gripping the sides of the little riverbank because you're so terrified of where you might end up. But to actually release your fingers and trust something much bigger than you and see where that flow takes you. That's been my journey lately, is prying my fingers off of everything. And COVID has actually been really helping me with that because it's such a weird powerless time period right now for everybody that having to prime my fingers off everything that I think I know and let go and see what's coming down that river.


    [0:14:00] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I agree. That's exactly what we are working on is just like letting go and whatever is going to be, is going to be, and we're always taking care of. But I do want to get back at this anorexia thing and I want to attach this kind of shame of anorexia withholding yourself, with these seven deadly sins, not in the religious sense, but more in the character defect sense. So I'm going to name them for you. Okay, we got Pride, greed, lust, gluttony, envy, anger and sloth.


    [0:14:31] Ruby: Okay. So the biggest ones for me are pride and sonic amount of pride about looking good, which is also tied into like, people pleasing how I want people to see me as opposed to what I actually am wanting to control, that there is some lust takes over a little bit sometimes. Read them again.


    [0:14:56] Brianne Davis: We have greed, lust, gluttony, envy, anger and sloth.


    [0:15:01] Ruby: There is some greed. I find there is a part of me that I want to hold on to everything physically, metaphorically, monetarily, control. I want to hold on to everything in the way of it's a greed thing to me. It's not open handedly like money. I read something else, like money. I'm on a growing spur right now. Money. Every time you spend money, I read something that said you're supposed to say, well, in this particular thing you said, Arigato, money going out. Arigato, money coming in. So thank you to the money going out and thank you to the money coming in just as much as the money coming in. The money going out should be a thank you. And to me, that is where gluttony or greed is the same with withholding sex. It's the same withholding my connection to intimacy. Allowing somebody to see me. It's covering it's, holding myself small.


    [0:16:08] Ruby: It's the same as trying to control everything, keeping it in my hands rather than opening my hands. I think those are the big ones for me.


    [0:16:16] Brianne Davis: Well, I also think what you said with the money and with the sex, it's this flow. It's a flow, it's a continuous flow. And when you stop that energy, you're stopping the flow of you. Because my therapist used to tell me, like money, it flows out and it comes back in. It's just paper. There's actually no meaning behind it. And with sexuality, it's like you have to stay open and let that flow. So you find yourself closing down.


    [0:16:44] Ruby: Yeah, exactly. I love that.


    [0:16:46] Brianne Davis: So who has this anorexia side benefited and who has it harmed?


    [0:16:53] Ruby: Well, the illusion was that the anorexia was going to keep me really safe. But really, the anorexia has kept me really small and has kept me very disconnected and has kept me terrified. It's kept me small, physically, emotionally, mentally small and disconnected. So really, myself, who it's hurt is I would say that the anorexia part of me has hurt everyone that I'm in contact with. My family members, like my brothers and sisters, who see me kind of like get so hard about wanting to control things and trying to manage everything, which is like the anorexia is trying to keep everything just right and keep your food just small enough to where you stay small enough and keep your sexuality. Don't let it out too much because you might get hurt by someone, you might look.


    [0:17:50] Brianne Davis: Are you always worried too, with the anorexia, that you're going to lose control?


    [0:17:55] Ruby: Yes. And then there's fears that come with that, and the fears that come with that are like when I was young, I remember being terrified of STDs, like a physical thing. Like if you allow yourself to be, there are STDs. I had all these fears and in life, everything is possible. The truth is, it's like you can get an STD and it's not the end of the earth. But what it is is it's important to live. It's important to live. And also on the biggest scheme of the mall is to try something bigger than you. Yes, we have to take action to be safe, and yes, we have to know the people we're being involved with a bit, not do. And yes, we have to try something with someone. We're not 100%, but we feel pretty good about it and we've talked it out and we're reasoning things out with people that we trust, our God Squad team, because ultimately there is a God. There is a God and we're here on the planet and we're still here on the planet and there are everyday things happening and we're not in control of any of it, as we can clearly see now with COVID But there has to be a point of risk and a point of releasing your fingers from trying to figure everything out. And so the person I think really it's hurt. And it's hurt my partners, because the part of me that would become frustrated with my partners and fearful that I was not trusting them, then I would withdraw and then I would shut the wall would come down, boom. And then they couldn't see me.


    [0:19:34] Ruby: I would cover myself in my own wall from the anorexia. That would also prevent me from like that saying, whatever the walls that are keeping you from experiencing your joy will keep you from experiencing your pain. And we're supposed to be living life and feeling all of it so that you can have an experience. And I love that thing about like, your heart. Anorexic will try to protect its heart, protect itself. Don't have intimacy. You don't know, stay away from everyone, they're going to all hurt you. And so I love that thing where it says you want to, at the end of the day, have a heart that's scarred and ripped and has bled and has been beat up a bit. Because that means that you've been allowing love in. You've been allowed as opposed to one that is so preserved and so well cared for, because you've protected yourself from any good, any bad, any middle ground, and you've just stayed safe.


    [0:20:28] Brianne Davis: And I think you also hit on something that I love when you said the walls around you, that it's protecting you from the pain. But I think what's important is when the past, what I've looked at, it doesn't just keep out the pain, it does keep out the joy, it does keep out the happiness, it keeps out everything. You don't get to choose which emotion you can keep in and keep out. If you're closed off, you're closed off to all the emotions and yourself and.


    [0:20:58] Ruby: You'Re closed off for yourself. I would say to my because my brothers and sisters, my family really see it because I'm really close to my family but they would always be like I would always be like I feel so shut down I can't get out. And they'd be like what's happening? I'm like, you did that thing that made me angry and stressed me out and then my wall came down and then now I'm stuck and it's really hard for me to soften once I've been hardened and my wall comes down. So it's been a really interesting journey of trying to learn to not let the wall shut down so that I can let some of the light come in. They say like the light comes in through the cracks, right? Yeah. And if you don't let any cracks open then no light can come in. And that's what's been my journey lately is letting myself open up across the board with everything and allow some light in so that I can take some risks and I can have some new experiences and that's been my journey and.


    [0:21:54] Brianne Davis: That you can give and take, like to others. There's an exchange. So my last question for you before we go is how do you move forward or how would you give advice to someone that is feeling stuck?


    [0:22:10] Ruby: I personally really love twelve sip programs. There's a program for every way that you mask your feelings. There's the drinker program, the beverage program. There's the anorexic if you're under eating your feelings away and trying to make yourself small. There's the overeater program if you're eating your feelings away, trying to avoid. There's the program for if you're using money to either hoard and hoard everything, thinking you're going to be safe if you hoard everything or those people who overspend where they have nothing left. There is a twelve step program for every situation gamblers every way I should speak for myself, but I know my experience is that most people have a way in which they cover themselves with.


    [0:22:54] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I call it everybody has an Ism.


    [0:22:57] Ruby: There you go. And there's an Ism program for everything. So I personally like Twelve Sit Program because there are no leaders, there's no governing people. Everybody kind of runs it and it's like free. Basically. You donate a couple of dollars, there's no like, oh, get a loan out on your house and we'll give you this course that will change your life. I've been in some of those too.


    [0:23:20] Brianne Davis: I have to.


    [0:23:21] Ruby: When you're feeling fragile, you'll do anything and I just think that's not fair when someone is vulnerable to dive in underneath them and grab them and then take advantage of them. So I think Twelve Sit Program to me is a safe way to take a look at your stuff. And then of course, therapy is always great. I think it's always good to talk things out with someone who really understands. And I think it's really important to create a God squad around you. People that you learn, that you meet through your Twelve Sip programs, a community of people that you feel you can call for different things and that you can be there for them too. Because as they say in Twelve Step, you can't keep what you don't give back. So if I get to learn all this cool stuff, I don't get to keep it unless I share it. So it really makes it a program of like you have to give back. Because if you don't give back and you're just lazy, like, I already got the good, I already feel good, I'm just going to go off now and live my life then that's the wrong way to look at it. The right way to look at it is, okay, I got it. Now I have to give it away so I can keep it.


    [0:24:19] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, really, that's the only way. And thank you so much for coming on and sharing with us today. Okay, if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

    Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
    25m | Jan 23, 2023
  • Vince: I Have Done Amateur P*rn

    Vince says it's been a fantasy for most guys to be in a p*rn. Is that true? Maybe because when you watch, you fantasize you're the person in the video? So what happens when the fantasy becomes real? Is it everything you expected? What if you got stage freight? 

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Check out the Mindful in Minutes Podcast hosted by Kelly Smith and check out her site for more info: https://www.yogaforyouonline.com

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Vince: You get there and camera man setting up his stuff. Then the actress got there and I talked to her and he was still setting up his stuff. And then I got time to, like, shoot the thing and it was just I mean, it was I couldn't really get it going. No.


    [0:00:22] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. 


    I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others.


    [0:01:12] Brianne Davis: You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing, really. You know, how, what, when, where, live it all today. My guess is Vince. Now, Vince, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:30] Vince: My secret is I've acted in amateur porn films.


    [0:01:33] Brianne Davis: Oh, yay. Okay, let's talk about it. When did you do that?


    [0:01:40] Vince: The first thing I did was.


    [0:01:44] Brianne Davis: Five years ago.


    [0:01:46] Vince: Yeah. And then it was for a period of it wasn't anything like glamorous. It was just sort of very amateur stuff. But for a period, for about two and a half years, it wasn't very many. It was probably eight.


    [0:02:04] Brianne Davis: Does anybody in your family or friends know?


    [0:02:08] Vince: No.


    [0:02:10] Brianne Davis: I'm getting so excited right now. I love a good secret. Secret.


    [0:02:14] Vince: Yeah. People who know me and know my personality, that would be the last thing, the last thing ever they would ever think.


    [0:02:26] Brianne Davis: Okay, let's go back five years ago. What was going on in your life before that? Can you say your occupation?


    [0:02:34] Vince: Yeah, I can say it. I'm a musician and I also do a little teaching, too. So you asked what was going on before that?


    [0:02:44] Brianne Davis: Yeah. What's going on before?


    [0:02:47] Vince: I can tell you. I was just kind of living my normal life. But what happened was I think that sort of was the impetus for it, was I had lost some weight and got into better shape. And it was always something I mean, I had, like, these ambitions. It was always something that I had sort of found. I guess most guys would sort of fantasize about that when they're watching porn. Can I do that? Yeah. Could I ever do that?


    [0:03:18] Brianne Davis: Is that a fantasy for guys? I didn't know that.


    [0:03:20] Vince: Maybe not an official fantasy, but it must be something that most guys think, like, wow, could I do that? I wonder if I could do that. I wonder how I'd be, that kind of thing. So I had always thought that and I had a friend, a close friend, and we always kind of joked about, yeah, we should make some amateur porn and produce it or something. It was just one of those things you say when you have a few drinks. It was something that you never because I feel like it's sort of a line you cross and once you do that, in some ways it's out there forever and then it's kind of like there's no coming back from it. Not that it's going to cause a disaster. Yeah, exactly.


    [0:03:59] Brianne Davis: But I have a question. Did you used to always watch a lot of porn? When did you first see porn? When you were younger, do you remember?


    [0:04:09] Vince: In fact, I'm a little older. I mean, this was the 90s before the internet, really. So I think I was in high school, someone had a video or something like that. But when I really started watching it, I guess with the rise of the tube sites like pornhub and I guess 2008, 2009 when the free content started coming online, then I became more of a watcher.


    [0:04:39] Brianne Davis: I just remember I saw it so young, the skin of Ax, you know, and it would come in fuzzy on the TV and you'd kind of be able to see it.


    [0:04:48] Vince: Yeah, sure.


    [0:04:51] Brianne Davis: We didn't have money, obviously. My parents didn't have money to pay for it. So we'd be like, oh, you can kind of see what's going on.


    [0:04:58] Vince: Yeah, yeah, that's 2008. 2009. I remember when I first heard about pornhub, I couldn't believe it. I mean, there was free before that. There were some sites that would have I think in 2007 or 2008 there were sites that would have little clips, just little clips for movies. Pornhub was kind of revolutionary in a lot of ways. It was bad. I don't know how anyone in that industry really makes money whenever they actually don't anymore.


    [0:05:31] Brianne Davis: Unless they produce it themselves, they don't really make money.


    [0:05:34] Vince: Exactly. So yeah, that's when I started really watching it. I had a desktop computer before that, but then I got a laptop and I had an iPad too. Although I never got this into the iPad. It's like it's sort of like cocaine or something.


    [0:05:51] Brianne Davis: It's a complete addiction. No, I actually deal with a lot of mostly men, but still a lot of women, they are addicted to porn. It's that fantasy. The fantasy becomes the reality more than the reality.


    [0:06:05] Vince: Yeah, exactly. So 2009 issue so I started watching more and then I think there was this process of desensitization too, because it just becomes normal. And that's I think when I really started thinking more about first it was just watching it and then I started thinking about like, wow, it's just more of a fantasy. Can I do this? Can I be in a room full of people? And really it just takes a certain breed, I thought.


    [0:06:42] Brianne Davis: I would say it probably does have a little bit of that exhibitionism going on.


    [0:06:47] Vince: Exactly. So the seeds of that whole thing, I guess, started there. I had lost some weight started losing some weight in 2017. And then I got down to I wasn't super heavy and I wasn't really heavy growing up. I had gained weight in my twenties and 30s, but then I had gotten back down to a decent weight, and I just that that idea was still there, that had been there, that sort of fantasy about it. And then I thought, I don't know, I was reaching out to some people online, okay.


    [0:07:20] Brianne Davis: And talking about in a chat group or something.


    [0:07:24] Vince: There were people it's sort of related to some things I was doing too. Maybe in a way, I kind of had a sexual addiction. I was seeing dominatrixes and stuff.


    [0:07:35] Brianne Davis: Wait, pause. Wait. You were seeing dominatrix? Is that another secret?


    [0:07:42] Vince: That was something I shared with some friends, not with family, but that was something I had shared with some friends. That was something I wasn't, and that was not really sexual. It was all sort of control. I mean, it was sexual in a sense. I wasn't having sex with them. I was experimenting with bondage and that kind of thing. So that kind of further wet my appetite for that world and further got me acclimated to that world. You had asked, yeah, there were a few dominatrix. Dominatrix CS. Would that be the plural? I always say dominatrix, but there are a few that I had kind of worked with a little bit. I could say a client of. And then I had mentioned it with them. And what happened, how I really started was at the time, I was going on Craigslist, and since they maybe changed it, but there were ads for models and that kind of thing, and it's coded a little bit, but you kind of know what it's about. So I think it was an ad that I saw for Men wanted for some amateur stuff.


    [0:08:53] Vince: Again, this was nothing like glamorous. This is like real gonzo stuff where you're shooting in someone's apartment.


    [0:08:59] Brianne Davis: Honestly, I don't think a lot of them are glamorous.


    [0:09:05] Vince: But yeah, actually, I'm wrong about that. What would happen was, okay, this is what it was. There was a dominatrix that I was seeing, and her, I don't know if it was her husband or boyfriend, they were making some amateur content and they wanted me to audition.


    [0:09:19] Brianne Davis: Did you?


    [0:09:20] Vince: I did. Yes, I did.


    [0:09:22] Brianne Davis: Okay. That's what you have to take it through. So take us through the audition process for an amateur porn.


    [0:09:29] Vince: Okay. And I know her a little bit. I got comfortable with her, but I had never met her husband or boyfriend. She said, yeah, he films the stuff and I'll direct it. And it was just basically like a solo scene just to see if I could do the stuff on camera. So we set up a time and went to her apartment and it was like, you want the details?


    [0:09:53] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:09:54] Vince: Okay. So it's basically like she was on camera, like her husband was operating the camera, and she had said, can you really do this in front of my husband's going to be operating the camera? And I was like, Whoa, man.


    [0:10:05] Brianne Davis: Were you nervous?


    [0:10:07] Vince: Yeah, I was definitely nervous. And I thought my sexual experiences involved women. They weren't really like men or brown, you know what I mean? Is this going to be weird? Can I do this? But again, to me, I think there is sort of like a sexual addiction aspect to it because it was like this charge, like this rush. It was almost like that part of my brain was really like a drug. It's like, I remember driving there and calling my friend and saying, I'm really going to do this. And she was just like, you're crazy. She sort of thought it was funny. So I went in and then I met him and he was filming. I think he just had, like, an iPhone or something. I can't remember what he was using exactly. And she said, okay, we talked about what we're going to do. And she said, she's directing me and he's filming.


    [0:10:53] Vince: And it was just basically like, strip and take all your clothes off. And you kind of do your solo scene where you have to masturbate into completion and they want to kind of see if you can do that on camera.


    [0:11:05] Brianne Davis: So was it easy? Was it hard? How was the outcome of that audition?


    [0:11:13] Vince: Believe it or not, that outcome was good. It was good. It was fairly easy.


    [0:11:22] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:11:23] Vince: Yeah.


    [0:11:24] Brianne Davis: So you're driving away and then what's your thought?


    [0:11:28] Vince: It kind of just went my appetite for more. I thought, like, wow, because I can remember he was this kind of burly dude and he's filming it, but she can be seen and heard on camera. She didn't participate. She was basically directing it. It's like, okay, do this. She's, like, encouraging me and directing it, and he's filming. But, yeah, I was able to do it and get right into it. I wasn't nervous. It was like, all right, strip. And I was like, Bam. I don't know, I just sort of became this character or whatever, but I felt like it was an aspect of me. It felt fine, really. It wasn't like, I did it and I thought, oh, my God, what have I done? I was cool with it. Okay, yeah, so we did that and then after that but see, I'm in an area, I don't want to say exactly where I am, but I'm not in La.


    [0:12:16] Vince: I'm not in a big city like.


    [0:12:18] Brianne Davis: You'Re in a small town somewhere.


    [0:12:19] Vince: Yes. Things move slowly. So I did that in the fall of in the fall. And then I didn't do anything again until I had another friend who was I saw who was a dominatrix, and he was trying to get into filming content. And we filmed the scene, and it was more like this, too. It was more like a solo scene. It was more like a domination theme.


    [0:12:41] Brianne Davis: Were you getting dominated or was she getting done?


    [0:12:43] Vince: I was getting dominated, yes.


    [0:12:45] Brianne Davis: Got you.


    [0:12:45] Vince: And we kind of worked out the scene. It was kind of like the same situation. And we did that, and I knew her pretty well, so I was comfortable with that. That went well. But I can tell you where things started to really go off the tracks, where I hit some roadblocks.


    [0:12:58] Brianne Davis: Let's do it.


    [0:13:00] Vince: I have these two scenes under my belt, and I think I'm a pro.


    [0:13:04] Brianne Davis: You're like, I got.


    [0:13:08] Vince: That. I did the second thing in the wintertime. Then I remember by that. I had hooked up with this cameraman who had done, like, legitimate things. He had filmed some legitimate stuff around town. Like, he was an editor and he was, like, a real camera guy. He wanted to get into this stuff and he wanted to produce some videos, so I hooked up with him. Now, this was, like, my first real boy girl shoot. This was that spring, the following spring, in May. And there was an actress. He was basically producing it, an actress he got from out of town. She was from New England or something. But she had done some stuff like she was nice, cool and everything. And he got her for the scene. And I had checked out some of her stuff and I talked to her on the phone.


    [0:13:53] Vince: She was really cool. So she came in from Connecticut or whatever she drove in, and he had gotten this room at the Holiday Inn.


    [0:14:00] Brianne Davis: In the Holiday Inn?


    [0:14:02] Vince: Yeah.


    [0:14:03] Brianne Davis: I love it.


    [0:14:05] Vince: So I remember the night before that, I was a little nervous, but I was like, I don't know.


    [0:14:09] Brianne Davis: Wait, my question for you. Were you getting paid at this time.


    [0:14:12] Vince: Or no, I was barely getting really paid. It was never for the month with the guys.


    [0:14:17] Brianne Davis: I know, but did you get paid for that one?


    [0:14:20] Vince: I think I got a little travel money, but I basically like, the money went to her.


    [0:14:24] Brianne Davis: Got it.


    [0:14:25] Vince: So I was just kind of like, I want to start getting my name out there as an actor. And he wanted to set this up. So yeah, I hardly got it. I think I got a little travel money, but nothing I mean, I might have gotten $50 or something. We do the scene. So it's the day of the scene, and I was a little nervous in my mind. I wasn't that nervous, really, until I got there. It's such like a clinical you get there and carry on setting up his stuff. And he was, like, a little kind of apprehensive about bringing all this stuff through the hallway. He didn't want to put it somehow on the store. It's like a little inconspicuous. He's got, like, lights and all this stuff and he sets up the lights and everything. And then the actress got there and I talked to her and he was still setting up his stuff. And then I got time to shoot the thing. I couldn't really get it going.


    [0:15:33] Vince: No, I remember.


    [0:15:35] Brianne Davis: Was it the pressure?


    [0:15:37] Vince: It was just everything. It was just you're in this very clinical environment. Like, you've got this big burly camera dude. He was a nice guy, too, but he's got these lights. And the actress, she was very nice. She was very professional. But cameraman setting up his stuff. And like I said, that was taking forever. And then finally, after an hour, whatever it was, we got time to do. And then some question about what exactly we were going to do as far as for the scene. But I guess we decided to kind of let it evolve organically, just naturally. But I knew I had a problem. I just couldn't get my equipment going. No.


    [0:16:16] Brianne Davis: A professional actor, even when I do love scenes and it's so clinical and you actually have to work it out or there's too much pressure and you don't know. So I can imagine being like, let's see what happens with all those lights and people looking at all. I know it literally perform all the way.


    [0:16:36] Vince: Yeah, it was a little cold in that hotel room. It made it even worse that morning. Not to get too graphic or anything, but I remember the night before, I didn't do anything with myself.


    [0:16:53] Brianne Davis: Get ready for tomorrow. I get it.


    [0:16:56] Vince: But that morning, I sort of, like, tested myself out a little bit. Can I get this going? I felt like felt good. Okay. But when we got time to really shooting it, I just couldn't get anything going. I remember when I went to the bathroom, I felt like I'll try to get myself going in there. And I remember the bathroom was cold. It was, like, cold, kind of. I was in there. I was trying to get things going and it just was not happening at all. Not at all. Like I was saying, it was like that feeling where you're at the doctor's office or something, you might be a little nervous and the last thing on your mind would be trying to get aroused. You know what I mean? It was strange to me because I didn't know what it was, really. I mean, the actress was pretty, she was nice.


    [0:17:43] Vince: I think it was just this whole I have total respect for the guys that can act in these films. Just to be able to turn it on like that. Under all circumstances or different circumstances. I'm sure they have problems occasionally, but I couldn't even really get it going a little bit. So I'm in there. I kind of popped out for a minute and I was talking to them. I think they were patient and understanding, but I felt like just an idiot. You know what I mean? I felt like I was and then.


    [0:18:13] Brianne Davis: That makes it worse, right? Where you're eating yourself up and they're like, Come on, come on.


    [0:18:18] Vince: It did make it worse. So we weren't really able to film, like, a whole movie, really, but we were able to do, like, a few scenes, not to be too graphic. We did, like, an oral scene, and we did try to do a few other things, but there was no penetration scene, really. I just couldn't do it. And it was funny. It was pretty funny because I tend to talk when I get nervous. So I was talking to her. It was like, in some ways, it was like and he's got the camera rolling, and I'm trying to compensate for my failure by being, like, a little funny and I'm a little neurotic, and it's like Woody Allen making a porn or something. It was just ridiculous. And at one point, the cameraman, he's kind of, like, heckling me a little bit, I have to say. It was a failure. It was absolutely a failure.


    [0:19:12] Brianne Davis: Just did not do your best. I'll give you an A for effort.


    [0:19:21] Vince: Well, thank you. It was just a weird feeling. I mean, I got there, like I said that morning, I kind of felt like, okay, I can do this. And I just got there and I tried to get myself going, but it was like the opposite of being around. I could not do it. I could not do it at all. He still wound up. What he did was he filmed a little solo scene with the actress when I was trying to get my stuff together. And so he was able to, I think, use that a little bit, and.


    [0:19:51] Brianne Davis: Then he cut it and make it look a certain way.


    [0:19:54] Vince: Yeah, just as a standalone solo scene for her. Then we were able to do an oral scene and that kind of thing. So some of that, I think, was usable. But yeah, the most I remember when he was editing it, he just told me it was hard to edit because it was just so ridiculous, and he was trying to take out all my talking. That's something I learned just to preview a lot. I did learn a lot from it. The two things I learned was just to keep your mouth shut.


    [0:20:28] Brianne Davis: Don't talk.


    [0:20:29] Vince: Yeah, just to keep your mouth shut. And I also learned to take a little chemical help before the next scene, which I did.


    [0:20:37] Brianne Davis: And I had a bad, like, Viagra or something.


    [0:20:39] Vince: My friend gave me a Sialis. Yeah.


    [0:20:42] Brianne Davis: Okay. So there was a second time after that. Was it with the same cameraman or.


    [0:20:50] Vince: A different no, it was with a different camera person.


    [0:20:55] Brianne Davis: So what made you want to do it? The time after wasn't that traumatizing? Or you were like, I can do this. I can do this.


    [0:21:05] Vince: I just wanted to redeem myself. It's like kind of thing. You have a miserable failure, you crash and burn and you say, I've got to try this again. And I knew I thought, if I fail at this one, then I'm not cut out for it. But this one had a much better outcome.


    [0:21:19] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:21:20] Vince: Yeah. So this was a couple of months later. So it was May that I had that failure. I tried to laugh about it. It was funny.


    [0:21:27] Brianne Davis: It is funny. It's great. Listen, it's good you're putting yourself out there and trying something new. And you're not always going to succeed the first time. It's okay.


    [0:21:37] Vince: Yeah. I mean, if you were to watch it, it's so ridiculous. I'm just jabbering, like the whole time. And the more I'm failing, the more I'm talking. And she was a good sport, and it was ridiculous. But I remained on good terms with the camera man. And we actually filmed something. We filmed something after that. We filmed another domination type scene. That was a year later. But yes, I wanted to redeem myself. And by the way, he put this stuff online.


    [0:22:12] Brianne Davis: How did it feel being online?


    [0:22:15] Vince: It was a little weird. But my feeling about that is there's so much stuff online now, there's such an remain anonymous. It was on one of the tubes. It was actually on X videos. It was on pornhub, too. Pornhub had a purge of their content. They purged a lot of their stuff.


    [0:22:37] Brianne Davis: So yours got purged.


    [0:22:39] Vince: I think if you went through you had to go through like a reauthorization process or something. And he was legit and stuff, but I think he didn't want to bother with that. But yeah, there was a copy of it too. It was actually on X videos at one point for a while.


    [0:22:55] Brianne Davis: So here's my question for you with that. Have you made any money from that? No. Okay.


    [0:23:01] Vince: Nothing. Yeah.


    [0:23:02] Brianne Davis: Okay. So let's get back to your triumphant return.


    [0:23:06] Vince: Okay. Yeah. Okay. This is better. At this point. I joined a website that is called Sexy Jobs. It's for adult performers who want to reach out to producers and that kind of a thing. Okay. I joined that. And I had connected with a woman who's a few hours away, she was working with again, this is really very gonzo not glamorous stuff at all, really. Just kind of people making amateur content. Yeah. She was working with a woman who was producing a video, and I told her I should show her. I showed her something else. I certainly didn't show her that failure scene.


    [0:23:49] Vince: I think I showed her like a solo scene or something. And then we set up a date to work together. So it was a different camera person. It was her friend or her so called manager, whatever she was filming it and producing it. So this was a few hours away. I went and did a shoot with them. And now that was the one I was preparing. My friend had given me that pill, and he told me to take it. And I took it. And that scene went much better. We were actually able to film, like, a real movie. I remembered I said to myself, just keep your mouth shut. Just don't talk. And I was respectable in that one. I'm not saying I was.


    [0:24:35] Brianne Davis: I know you did your job, but listen.


    [0:24:38] Vince: But I was okay. It was a respectable performance.


    [0:24:42] Brianne Davis: But here's the thing. I love that you keep giving this tip. Don't talk if you're going to go into porn or mature porn. Do not talk. Keep your mouth shut.


    [0:24:52] Vince: Yeah, especially for the guys are just like ornaments, really. I mean, it all exists. Most of it, yes. Men who want to watch women. So no one wants to hear some guy jabber, especially some neurotic Woody Allen. Dude, it was outrageous. I couldn't believe I was that bad. This time. I just thought, okay, I'm not going to talk.


    [0:25:13] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:25:13] Vince: But the difficulty with this one was and we were able to shoot like a whole scene with several acts and stuff. And it was good. It was fine. The only issue with that was that had challenges, too, because what were the challenges? The producer. The camera woman, producer lady. She was cool and everything, but she had this style of shooting. And what do I know? I'm no veteran or anything. But instead of just like rolling, letting you, like kind of do your thing organically and rolling, she would say, okay, we're going to shoot this oral scene. And then she said it would take 15 minutes to set up the camera and different angles. She didn't really have that much equipment. She had less equipment than the camera guy that I worked with before. But she had lights and stuff. So she's taking forever to set the scene up.


    [0:26:04] Vince: And then, okay, then we do the oral scene. And it's like, okay, stop. Then she's taking like 15 or 20 minutes to set up for the other whatever else we're going to do following that. So in between, your momentum is broken.


    [0:26:18] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the world of filming. That is every actor, whether you're in porn or regular actor, just like, worst nightmare, welcome to the club.


    [0:26:30] Vince: But I feel like it's even worse with this because you have to get yourself so I would just be sitting and standing around that's like, okay, start resume this. What the hell? And then I did have some mild issues with that. I had some mild issues, like getting going in between, but I was still able to do it. And then we were able to get the climax and everything. The pop shot, whatever you want to call it. I was able to actually fulfill my role, even though I had a few minor problems, but yeah, that was the challenge with that one. It was just ridiculous. This kept happening. It was like, okay, do this then. Okay, I'm going to set up. Sometimes it was like 20 minutes in between and she's messing with the lights and that's like, okay, start again, man. I mean, how can you do that? Especially with something like.


    [0:27:22] Brianne Davis: Yes, turn it on again.


    [0:27:24] Vince: And then it would just be but that was the one where I redeemed myself. I felt like I redeemed myself.


    [0:27:31] Brianne Davis: Yay. Congrats, Vince. Congratulations. So here's the thing. Are you going to do it again? Is this going to be a part of your life? Has it become an addiction? How are you feeling?


    [0:27:46] Vince: Yeah, I would love to do it again. It's just that the area where I am, it's tough and there's not much happening here. And I tried to reach out to some more like real whatever you want to call it, real producers or some La kind of producers. Part of me felt like I don't really have what it takes to really be like a real guy that can just go in like a caveman and just have sex with a girl under any circumstances. I know I don't have that right. And then there's not much really being made where I am. But I thought my strength was where I did the best was solo scenes. I had no problem, just totally no problem. And then doing these domination themed scenes, I've done a few with that original cameraman. We did another one where I play like, Peeping Tom, proprietor of a motel, and I'm watching this woman and she catches me set up a camera. And that was scary. And there was a little acting involved, and that was done with an actress outside of where I am. And she had done some stuff. She was yeah, she had the experience. And I enjoyed the acting aspect and kind of doing some lines and kind of riffing and stuff like that.


    [0:28:58] Vince: I felt like that was more my strength than actually just going in and being like this caveman and just being.


    [0:29:02] Brianne Davis: Able to well, just being the prop. Then it's just being the prop. Is that what I completely get that. But how does it feel now? Because this is the first time you've said this secret out loud. How are you feeling right now? Does it feel free?


    [0:29:17] Vince: Yeah, it feels good again. To me, I've sort of been desensitized, really. Like, I've been a little desensitized, really. So to me, it almost feels like it's normal to do this stuff.


    [0:29:29] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:29:29] Vince: But I remember that this was a gradual process and in the beginning it's still not completely normal now. But in the beginning, I would have thought it was the most outrageous thing. But now it's like you get kind of used to it in a way. But yeah, obviously if everyone found out, it would be. Scandal or be bad. But yeah, if there wasn't such a stigma about it, I'd be okay with telling people.


    [0:29:56] Brianne Davis: But here's the thing. Sex work is actually coming less stigmatized. So maybe this is the first step of you actually leaning into this hobby that could be a career. Who knows? Who knows, right? The whole thing I love is that you're willing to come on right now and share it with us and share your truth in a very funny story, which I very much appreciated this morning. So thank you for that.


    [0:30:20] Vince: Yeah, thank you.


    [0:30:21] Brianne Davis: Is there anything else you want to add before we get off?


    [0:30:25] Vince: Yeah, sure. I have a question for you. I would like to get a female opinion about this.


    [0:30:30] Brianne Davis: Sure.


    [0:30:30] Vince: If this is part of my history of something I've done, I always wonder, I told, when you're dating someone, do you think it's something that he had a little history of this stuff? Would you feel like it would be something that he should tell you, or.


    [0:30:45] Brianne Davis: No, I mean, I think that's a personal preference. If you're dating someone, if you're with someone for a while and they become a significant other, I think that would be an important time to reveal. But if you just start dating someone, I don't think that's relevant for them to know. I always believe when you start dating, you don't overshare at first. You ask questions. You ask about the other person and see if they're a good fit for you before you divulge every dark secret you've ever had in your life. And I don't think it would hinder someone wanting to be in a relationship with someone. But I don't know, that's just me. Everybody has different preferences, but that's just me.


    [0:31:24] Vince: Yeah. I mean, I wonder about that. And even the job I have, I don't know if I'd automatically be fired for that.


    [0:31:31] Brianne Davis: Well, you're a teacher, right? So I don't know either, so I have no clue. Yeah, but here's the thing. Your secret is okay to reveal and live your truth at the same time.


    [0:31:43] Vince: Sure. And again, I think that the stigma attached to adult work is sort of fading away a little bit.


    [0:31:50] Brianne Davis: I think a lot of it.


    [0:31:52] Vince: Yeah. I feel like it's totally different from even the mean. I feel like the Internet really changed everything.


    [0:32:00] Brianne Davis: They normalized. It as young as six and eight years old, which is not okay. But I'm so grateful you came on. I'm so grateful you reached out. This has been such a fun interview. So thank you for coming on.


    [0:32:15] Vince: Thank you so much.


    [0:32:17] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    [0:32:29] Vince: Bye.


    [0:32:30] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    32m | Jan 16, 2023
  • Rosie: Eating Disorder — Body Shaming, Restricting & 18 Months Without a Period

    Rosie shares her story of strength and determination as she fights to overcome her eating disorder. She will delve into her journey of healing and uncovering the layers of protection she has built up over the years. Tune in to hear honest conversations and practical advice on how to start the healing process and accept and embrace your eating disorder. With Rosie’s story of courage, resilience and hope you’ll be inspired to take small steps to living a healthier and more meaningful life.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    This month's sponsor - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)

    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Rosie: And so I remember that as I was dropping the way, there were some signs that were scaring me in terms of what I was doing. Like I was actually weighing myself every single day.


    [0:00:20] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brie Anne Daviscamp. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing.


    [0:01:23] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where, or why of it all. Today. My guest is Rosie. Now, Rosie, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:36] Rosie: Okay, so my secret is that I am a 34 year old who is addicted to peanut butter Disney cartoons and still sleeps with a baby lizard flesh dragon soft toy. This is meaning that I know. So this is a nutshell bomb. But really, today, the reason why I choose to offer my story to you is because I decided to look into some of the most significant events of my life through a magnifying glass that really took me on a journey from self destruction to self care and self expression and self love. And speaking of cartoons, I actually watched Moana again last night after I don't know how many times I've watched it. And it really always captivates me how this journey of this hero is really just showing the starting point of destruction to love again and to flourishing again. And so I think what really gets me of that story each time, besides, aside from all the adventures and the monsters and the fantastical creatures, is really how, at the beginning, with God Tefiti, whose heart gets stolen and then it disappears completely, leaves room for these monstrous destructive tekka until the very end, when Moana gives her heart back. And really, the revelation is that defeati and teka were really the same person, just stripped out of their essence, their heart, and the love that made them appear that way. And so I just wanted to mention this quote, really, to start telling my story about this journey. And it says, I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the hat from inside you. But this is not defining you. This is not who you are. You know who you are.


    [0:03:42] Rosie: And so I just wanted to start telling my story of how I tried to really look at all the versions of myself through my life and bring light, love and energy to all of them, regardless of what the destruction behind them was. Basically, I reckon my journey started when I was a kid and everyone saw me as this really big shiny bundle of love who had always food in her mouth, laughing with all my teeth showing and never staying still. My father used to call me monkey and wild goat.


    [0:04:26] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Me too. My father used to say I was like a monkey. I would jump all over the walls like a crazy monkey.


    [0:04:38] Rosie: Yeah, exactly, that's funny. And I think that's my essence, really? This is who I am and that is my essence and never change. But then obviously there were some events that started cracking that beautiful essence, like moments of body shining and lack of self confidence and desire to control something that I couldn't see but was hurting from the inside out.


    [0:05:12] Brianne Davis: When you say lack of, you said like shaming the body. Shaming. Did something happen? Did somebody say something or was it all internal?


    [0:05:22] Rosie: I think it was a bit of both. So I think the most striking event was when I started to go through puberty and obviously my body was changing, curves were starting to appear and it's like wearing a different body suit. It literally feels like you're wearing something that is not quite yours. And it felt really uncomfortable because being from Italy, we used to go to Sicily, where my family, relatives and extended families were leaving at the time and still some of them are there. And so obviously we were going to the beach and there were big fish at the table. So before going through puberty, I didn't really care, I was eating whatever and then my body started changing and naturally you put on that extra weight and you showed through your clothes, you showed through your bathers. And so I was like telling my mom, I don't want to go to the beach today, like, I don't feel comfortable. And then you've got periods of scares like, oh my God, what if that happens while I'm at the beach and this is going to be embarrassing. So all of that started happening, but my mom always tried to come to me and say, if you want to wear this complete one piece swimsuit, you can totally do that. That's going to make you comfortable, you can move with ease and it's not going to be a problem. So that's how it all started. She gave me this green swimsuit to wear and I thought, okay, cool, I'll give it a go. And then little did I know that when I came out of the water, it was completely see through.


    [0:07:05] Brianne Davis: Oh my God, no, that's like every young girl's worst nightmare, right?


    [0:07:10] Rosie: Yeah. And so I just ran to where my mom was with the umbrella and just got coverage with a bath towel, and I said, I'm not going into the water anymore. I'm not going into the water anymore. Look, she was so sweet, and obviously I was getting really when you go through puberty, a lot of changes happen. Hormones, the body. Like I said, it's really weird.


    [0:07:35] Brianne Davis: Yeah. I think for men and women, it's very you don't own your body, like you said. You're feeling all these things, and you're not connected to what's going on.


    [0:07:46] Rosie: Yes, exactly. And it's like your child mind is still trying to come to agreement with these changes, and you're like, I don't get it. It's really weird. You feel, like, completely not in your own body. And so I remember seeing this photo. I still have it. It's crazy because all my other three siblings were jumping around the water in the photo. They were just smiling and super happy. And I was hiding between my two younger sisters, holding my knees with this super grumpy face. I oh, was like, My God, I never forget that moment. It's crazy. And I think everything kind of spirals from there. And then I don't know, maybe this doesn't sound too bad for other people, but it really affected me. So while you already are not feeling 100% in your body, then you've got relatives or cousins that pay compliments to you about how beautiful you look and all of that stuff. But that didn't really help me, made me feel even more ashamed and embarrassed.


    [0:08:51] Brianne Davis: Right. Because you don't know what to do without attention or that you're feeling awkward inside, and then you're getting this attention that's different from how you're feeling, so you don't even know how to interpret it.


    [0:09:04] Rosie: Yes, that's right. And also to me, because I didn't feel right. Those didn't feel right. I was like, Why are you telling me these things? I don't believe any of that. And it became really gross to hear those comments. And so I started wearing huge T shirts, baggy clothes, and obviously that went on and on for years and years.


    [0:09:28] Brianne Davis: Do you think it was that not the sexual energy from your cousins, but just that energy coming at you? You didn't know how to handle it? Because I had that problem when I was younger, too. Older people started giving me this attention, and it was like it was scary.


    [0:09:46] Rosie: Yes. Most likely, it was a combination of things like, you don't know how to handle those things. Plus you're receiving these weird comments. You're like, what are you trying to say? Like, I don't want that thing. So it was definitely unrequited attention. You don't know what to do with that. Plus your hormones change. Plus you think, what is really the intention behind that? It all felt really weird, and it started playing up, obviously, with my emotions, with my mind, and with that discomfort. But obviously, going into school and seeing that I was the one covering up big time. And then I had all my classmates, even ten year old girls, showing off their body, wearing super short skirts and male attention going to them and complimenting them or making sleazy comments. Because of that. I was like, oh, my God. Yes.


    [0:10:43] Rosie: I don't want to be involved in any of that. I'm okay. I'm just going to keep covering myself up, because that's the solution.


    [0:10:50] Brianne Davis: Do you think since then you've been covering up your sexuality in general?


    [0:10:55] Rosie: Yes, and that's one of my other points as well, because obviously that looked and felt and sounded so unhealthy for me at the time that it kind of kept on growing and growing into this massive fear of unveiling my sexuality, in a way, because I thought it just didn't sit right with me that way. And so obviously, I kept really on for a very long time, wearing baggy clothes and trying to almost wear a cape or something that made me invisible.


    [0:11:40] Brianne Davis: It's like a costume you put on to protect yourself from the world.


    [0:11:46] Rosie: Yes. I didn't want to be seen. I just thought, no, attention is better than that. Attention. I'm going to keep focusing on my studies, on being a good student, but I was really trying to pull up a facade that wasn't me anyway. Like, it was me partially, but it really was hiding something bigger and more destructive that was happening underneath.


    [0:12:13] Brianne Davis: It's so interesting you said this, because I didn't even know we were going to talk about this, but I had someone today mention that they did the same thing and they found themselves and I'm not saying if you're listening, I'm not saying this is your story, but I have to ask it. Do you find yourself sexually anorexic? Like, you don't put yourself in that place because it's too intimate, it's too much, you feel too soon, it's just so you shut down that part of you.


    [0:12:42] Rosie: Yes. And I'm still discovering and unveiling. I feel like during that phase of my life, I've created all these layers of protection. And I'm feeling like since my recovery, which probably started over ten years ago, it's like taking all those veils off metaphorically. Obviously, it doesn't mean that I'm removing clothes as I leave.


    [0:13:11] Brianne Davis: No, I say it's like peeling that onion. You're going down the different layers.


    [0:13:17] Rosie: Yeah, totally. And so I think what made me realize that there was something beneath that pile of clothes that was really hurting underneath is when a series of tragic events I would say tragic events, but it's really not that tragic. If I look at them now, they feel a lot more tragic when they happen to you. But then you put things in perspective. Come on. Probably other thousands of girls.


    [0:13:45] Brianne Davis: Listen, no. Somebody's trauma or tragedy could be not as big as someone else and affects them more. So don't be saying your trauma is any less important than anybody else's. We have trauma. For me, I'm dyslexic when I couldn't read in front of my mom, it was like the world was over. And if I say that story now, it doesn't sound that important, but it was a huge turning point in my life. It made me feel insecure and stupid. So don't say that. I get it.


    [0:14:17] Rosie: I totally yeah. But yeah, I think at one point I realized that I was really feeling I couldn't do anything with all that repressed energy. Like, I was just focusing on finishing school and being an excellent student as much as possible. I had pressure at home. Well, not so much from my parents, but it was like a self reflective pressure of not being able to express my creativity in any other way. I couldn't go out into sports or I couldn't do dancing or I couldn't do anything creative to really find what my sole purpose was.


    [0:15:00] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:15:00] Rosie: Because obviously being a very numerous family, I didn't want to ask my parents, can you please pay for this course? Like, yes. We still had other three siblings to look after, so I just thought, okay, well, I'll do what I can. But then I was really suffering inside from not having a direction other than going to school and be good at school and hiding myself again.


    [0:15:26] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:15:28] Rosie: A lot of things kept happening. I was overeating at the wrong time for the wrong reason, and that really was hiding a big, massive problem that came out when I was about 15 or 16 year old, when I started hearing comments about being chubby or being undesirable or being ugly. And that's when it really hit me, and I thought, okay, well, that's enough. Now I really need to start changing because I can't keep doing this to myself.


    [0:15:55] Brianne Davis: Right?


    [0:15:56] Rosie: And so I started making healthier choices. I started walking more during summertime when we had school holidays. I started asking my parents, just don't come and pick me up. Walk home. It's fine. It's healthy. I just need to move, and they accept it. I was like, okay, cool. Sure. And then, obviously, I started becoming more interested about other recipes that were not the traditional Italian Mediterranean recipes, like pastas every day, bread every day, meat every day. I just started kind of thinking, well, what I put in my body needs to also change if I want to make a change. But again, I was still focusing on the outside. Like, even if I was changing the diet and the movement, it was still just an outside superficial thing.


    [0:16:42] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:16:42] Rosie: I definitely changed the inside band because I started dropping weight, and I started thinking that I felt better about myself, but then that spiraled massively into loss of I don't know. I don't even know how to call it. Like I said in the email, I don't want to call it anorexia because I don't think it was, but I looked very emancipated on the outside.


    [0:17:09] Brianne Davis: Yeah. And I will tell you, I was anorexic, and it didn't start where I was going to become anorexic. It was very healthy. I started to work out. I started to eat healthier. And then the weight started dropping, and then you feel more confident, and you're like, oh, this is how I'm supposed to feel, and I want more of this. So you do more of it and you restrict more and you restrict more, and it turns into that everything you described in your email, it was funny. If you're listening, I wrote back, I would love to talk about your anorexia. And you were like, what? That's not anorexia.


    [0:17:50] Rosie: Yes, it is. Yeah, I know. It was crazy because, like I said, I always ate salads or whatever, but I think even though it wasn't showing as such in what I was eating, it was definitely a bottle in my head. It was a constant, messy jail inside.


    [0:18:13] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Where you're like, Did I eat too much? Should I have not done this right now? I need to restrict my next meal a little bit, or I need to.


    [0:18:21] Rosie: Go on a walk.


    [0:18:23] Brianne Davis: It's a constant battle going on in your head. You're fighting yourself on a daily basis.


    [0:18:29] Rosie: And again, I was trying to fix something, but destroying another thing and really not getting to the core of my issue, which was that lack of self worth or lack of self confidence, or not having nurtured the process of growing into a woman with love, but with fear instead. And so I remember that as I was dropping the way, there were some signs that were scaring me in terms of what I was doing. I was actually weighing myself every single day.


    [0:18:59] Brianne Davis: Okay, there you go. That is definite sign. A normal is what I call a normal person, if you're listening. Like, a normal doesn't do that. They don't check their weight every day. I did the same thing. I would actually do it in the morning and then at night.


    [0:19:16] Rosie: Okay. Yeah, we'll only do it in the morning. But yes, absolutely. That's the thing. See, I'm still hiding. I'm still in denial.


    [0:19:25] Brianne Davis: I feel like I'm, like, coaching you. Like no, that's a form. Hey, listen, the only reason we can talk about this is to bring light to this darkness that we hide, that we're ashamed of. I was so ashamed that I turned anorexic. I was like, £104 at five seven and a half. How low did you get?


    [0:19:49] Rosie: Oh, I got to 47 kilos, which I don't know what it is in pounds. I'm sorry.


    [0:19:55] Brianne Davis: It's okay. I don't either.


    [0:19:56] Rosie: 47 kilos? Yeah, it's probably I don't know.


    [0:20:02] Brianne Davis: How tall are you?


    [0:20:04] Rosie: I'm 1.67 meters. We don't know.


    [0:20:09] Brianne Davis: We're in two different countries.


    [0:20:14] Rosie: Maybe five foot something. Okay. Less. Slightly less. I don't know. It's okay. Yeah. But anyways, look, I have big bones in general, I really do. And so I thought.


    [0:20:35] Brianne Davis: I have swimmer shoulders. I look really broad in the shoulder.


    [0:20:41] Rosie: It'S all healthy. No, but that's the thing. So I just kept lying to myself, and I kept lying to my mom. I said, mom, but see, I'm eating everything. I'm eating healthily. And my mom was like, Rosie, you've lost your periods for 18 months. You're constantly worrying about food. You're constantly asking me about this, and that right. You just have to admit it. You've got a problem and you need to solve it. We need to go to the doctor. And I just kept saying no. I'm just stressed out. I was finishing high school. I didn't go into university straight away, but I wanted to be a bit more independent and find a job and then figure out what I wanted to do.


    [0:21:21] Rosie: And then my father got sick. In the meanwhile, he got cancer, and he's fine now. He's on the check. But that was also another big stress. I realized that there were so many little things that were keeping it was just the tip of the iceberg. I think the fact that I looked emaciated was really the tip of the iceberg of what really was going on inside, which was a huge, tangled mess of things that I hadn't spoken about or that I hadn't really dealt with the right amount of care and compassion and empathy. And so I remember crying in the bathroom, saying to my mom, I don't know how to leave anymore. I'm so sick of having these thoughts. I'm sick of having to try to control everything. And my mom at one point said, you know what? Let's make the first move. Let's go to the doctor, get you checked, and let's take steps to get at least your peers to come back.


    [0:22:28] Brianne Davis: Yeah, because that's so dangerous as a woman too.


    [0:22:32] Rosie: Yeah.


    [0:22:32] Brianne Davis: Glad your mom said that.


    [0:22:35] Rosie: She's always been super attentive about these things, and she said, if you don't want to call it on the right shirt, fine, but we still need to do something about it. And I think as we spoke about that on the email, I think I never wanted to call it that's why? I'm not sick. I'm just going through so much stuff that I have to solve, and I don't even know where to stop.


    [0:23:02] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's like the only thing you can control in your life.


    [0:23:06] Rosie: That's right. And so after that sorry, I'm starting to hear the emotional it's okay.


    [0:23:14] Brianne Davis: I'm right there with you. It's okay.


    [0:23:18] Rosie: But I think once I started taking the steps, then I just became a bit more aware of, go slow and steady. You don't have to solve it all right now. And I'm still sorting out some issues. And I think once I started going to university and really knowing what I wanted to do with my life and I just started finding really what my passions were, what my purpose was and what I really wanted to achieve, it took me ten years to be where I am now. But I think slowly slowly and I'm not done yet.


    [0:24:05] Brianne Davis: No, we're never done.


    [0:24:08] Rosie: But I feel like I'm definitely a lot more aware and I'm definitely more conscious about the steps that I need to take to be with that teenager and talk to that teenager as an adult version of me, to say, it's okay if you want to hide, but then know that you don't want to stay in there too long.


    [0:24:33] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Because you can get lost in there.


    [0:24:36] Rosie: Yeah. It is about getting lost. Sometimes it's Kate. As long as you are still holding a torch and see the road and the light to get back to who you really are. It took me a long time, but I'm here. I'm on the journey. I think positive choices that I've made to come out of it and really own what I was eating was becoming vegan five years ago.


    [0:25:09] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:25:10] Rosie: Which was really great because I felt I was really happy with the choice that I was making. And my body was feeling very grateful and thankful for the choices that I was making for myself. Obviously, I started meditating and exercising and doing body combat or running and all of those things really were no more a way to escape from the problems and lose weight. But it was more allowing the journey of discovery, allowing the great feeling of feeling your body moving with a purpose, with the intention of really recovering rather than destroying yourself. Again, it was serving the purpose of discovering and rebuilding rather than take more weight off your body. Take more weight off your body. The way it didn't have to be physical, but it had to be emotional. So it's like I wanted to strip off something of my body that was really energetic and start again. I think if we wanted to put it as a metaphor of the weight loss is never just physical. It's like you want to get rid of something, but you can't do it yourself because it's too much to remove layers inside of fear and disgust and shame and all of that. Sometimes it's harder to do it on the inside.


    [0:26:40] Brianne Davis: So you go, oh, my God, it's 20 times harder. It's a thousand times harder. It's so hard to dig deep and see why we do these things where we want control over our life. And you know what really helped me when I was in the throat of my anorexia? If you're out there and you're struggling, two things really helped me, and I haven't spoken about them, and I want to share them with you. But when I got to my thin weight, someone took a picture of me, and I saw the picture, and I was like, oh, my God, I am so teeny in a lot of places do that. They take pictures so you can actually because your vision of yourself is so distorted totally. Sometimes you have to see it from a different lens. So that really helped me. And then the last thing, especially since you are still kind of struggling and coming through all this emotional stuff you're going through and letting go of this control aspect, I kept thinking, am I going to be on my deathbed? And I didn't allow myself to live. I didn't allow myself to have that piece of bread and then just go on a walk, but not like obsess about it.


    [0:27:54] Rosie: And it just really put it in perspective for me and years and years.


    [0:28:00] Brianne Davis: Of therapy and all that stuff. But those were the first things that really got me to be like, I have to change. I can't keep living like this anymore.


    [0:28:12] Rosie: Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, I actually remember I got photos where I was like, gosh, you can tell whatever you like, but you were absolutely nonexistent. There was nothing on me. And I believe I was just completely doing things, but inside I was like, feeling that there was still something missing. And I think what was missing really was that love, compassion and purpose and like, what am I doing with my life? And I think I can't remember who said that. But don't die with the music inside of you.


    [0:28:54] Brianne Davis: I've never heard that. That's beautiful.


    [0:28:56] Rosie: Yeah, it is beautiful. And it's like, yeah, I know. I need to express all of this somehow. And so years ago, then I realized that I am an artist and I am a creator, and I'm also an actress, and I am a writer and I am a teacher. So I was like, okay, I can see all of this now happening. And that really defining who I was at the core, was what helped me rebuild from the inside out.


    [0:29:27] Brianne Davis: I loved that. Finding your purpose and your passion.


    [0:29:31] Rosie: Yeah, because I had none. So I was trying to find it by looking good outside, which I never felt like I did anyway.


    [0:29:40] Brianne Davis: It's like empty. It's an emptiness. I do have a question for you, and I really want to get to this question.


    [0:29:47] Rosie: Yes.


    [0:29:47] Brianne Davis: Who do you think keeping this eating disorder? I'm going to call it you can call it what you want, but who do you think it harmed and who did it benefit?


    [0:29:58] Rosie: Okay, so it definitely harmed a stage of me and a stage of my family, because what was creating was divided. I did not want to talk about it, or if I did, it was just a hit and miss with my mom. But I didn't want to talk about it openly. I didn't want to meet that. I had a problem because I thought my problem is not important at the moment. There's so much more on the plate. I don't need to tell anybody about that. We don't need to solve that now. It will sort itself out. So I think what created was divide because now I tell everything to my family. Like, I share everything, absolutely everything. Especially because we're so far away from each other and we don't see each other every day. I feel the urge and the need to share absolutely everything with them. I even told them that I was going to be on the podcast with you.


    [0:30:57] Brianne Davis: I love talking about this, talking about this.


    [0:31:02] Rosie: But back in the days, we never recognized it as such. So I think he created a divide. It created lack of communication. He created anger and impatience in me. And I wasn't really my full self, so it definitely harmed me and my.


    [0:31:23] Brianne Davis: Family and then my last.


    [0:31:31] Rosie: Do the what you said, who benefited? I think it benefited my growth, my self expression and my self expansion. I think if everything had gone smooth, I wouldn't have the depth of realization, the depth of expansion that I have now. So even though it hurts to talk about that sometimes because it's very vulnerable, I feel like talking about it really does help. Especially because every time I kind of expose myself in that regard, in that regard, it really shines a light into a different corner or different face of the prison. So it's like, oh, talking about this with you, who I've never spoken to before, and I'm so glad I'm doing this now. It's like, oh gosh, you're helping me see other parts or talking about this in a different light is really helping me see these other parts. Obviously, nobody wants to go through conflicts, nobody wants to go through problems, challenges, diseases or anything, but they really are helping you go stronger, helping you on the journey of self awareness. I don't know, if everything was given to me and everything was just always fine, I probably wouldn't have the strength that I have today in talking about this and knowing who I am a little bit more. I'm still learning who I am every day, but I am totally recovered from that. I still have other challenges to deal with, especially the sexuality discover part. I'm still not completely fully comfortable with that. And I'm saying this very openly, even though but yeah, that part. I'm happy with what I'm eating. I am not checking on anything.


    [0:33:34] Rosie: I have put on weight, obviously, because that was healthy. I have been exercising, but without obsessing over it. Just because, like I said, it's aiding the strength, like mental strength, emotional strength, physical strength. And I think I'm so glad that I'm outside of that jail because it literally felt like a jail.


    [0:33:57] Brianne Davis: It is a jail. It's a jail. But I have to tell you, I feel the most amazing human beings are the ones that have gone to the darkness and come out into the light. There's something about somebody surviving that internal battle that I just love them even more. And I can hear that when you're speaking, but yeah, that sexual anorexia side definitely should be looked at because the last thing you want. To do is not be intimate or have that connection with another human being.


    [0:34:33] Rosie: Absolutely.


    [0:34:34] Brianne Davis: But I do have one more question before I let you go. So now that you said you moved through it and if somebody's listening, they're struggling with that inner voice that is restricting, weighing themselves, all that stuff, hiding themselves, what would be your advice for them?


    [0:34:54] Rosie: Well, I would definitely talk to somebody about this openly choose a person that they trust as their guardian angels, I guess, and really just talk to them without shame about every single thing that they're feeling in their body. And don't be scared to go deep into the dark, disgusting side of it all because I've got the feeling because we are all humans and we all share this, it's not about losing the weight, but it's about loosening the tension inside the body of what is holding back the highest purpose within us. So only when you talk about it and you strip that away from you, then you really see who you truly are. So yes, we go through the nasty bits of hating ourselves or not liking ourselves. We've got these monsters attacking us in forms of thoughts or in forms of words, hurtful things that other people do to us. But at the end of the day, they're just test for us to really see, okay, I really need to put my own heart up my sleeve and really see who I am through this because anorexias know who I was, there was more to them. And that's why also Moana's song really is striking for me because whatever you go through doesn't define you. And I think back in the days I was scared to say that I had anorexia in some sort of form because I was scared that that was going to define me and I didn't want to be defined by that.


    [0:36:38] Brianne Davis: Wow.


    [0:36:38] Rosie: So I think, yeah, that's the other thing. That's not who we are. Your disease, your disorder, your mental health status is not who you are. Everything passes as long as you give them time to express themselves and talk openly as they are. Even though they sound ugly and they sound messy and they sound they don't make sense. Just I think, write, create in any form, draw. I've drawn a lot of dark figures to let that darkness come through and out of me rather than keeping it stuck inside. So I think, yeah, what I would suggest, definitely talk, write, draw, go out, move it out, talk to the trees. Something. That's the other thing. If you don't want to talk to somebody, talk to the wind, talk to the tree, let it out, don't keep it inside in a cage.


    [0:37:34] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you so much for sharing your story and your journey with us.


    [0:37:38] Rosie: Thank you for listening and if you.


    [0:37:41] Brianne Davis: Want to be on the show, please email me at secret Life podcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show, please subscribe rate share or send me a note@secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    38m | Jan 9, 2023
  • Carly: I Was Essentially Held Hostage By My Client For 2 Years

    Carly was a love addict from a young age and held captive in a toxic relationship for two years. When she met her ex-husband at 27, she forced the relationship to work because he was the least toxic person she'd been with in a while. Unfortunately, it descended into a cycle of him grabbing at her and her pulling back, making him feel unloved and her feel disempowered. She stayed out of a sense of obligation, but when the pandemic hit and her ex-husband lost his job, he spiraled into depression. 

    At this point, Carly was in a state of self-deprivation and vulnerable to flattery, attention, and compliments. This is when her client--who was married--started pursuing her despite her shutting down his advances multiple times. He persisted and eventually called her from a different number, love-bombing her and begging her to give him a chance. 

    Unfortunately, this ended in an all-too-familiar scenario. The client sexually forced himself upon her, making it clear that it is possible to be taken advantage of even if you don't say no. This is why it is so important to recognize the difference between a sex addict and a sociopathic or narcissistic person, and to run if someone is threatening suicide over you, or abort the mission if someone cannot be alone. It is also possible to disappear to save yourself from an abusive situation.

    Host Brianne Davis dives deep into the often-ignored dark side of romantic relationships. Through interviews and personal accounts of her own experiences with love addiction, she offers insight and advice to listeners looking to heal from past hurts and break free from unhealthy relationships. Join Brianne every week as she shares stories of heartache, resilience and triumph as she works to help others find the strength to overcome their situation and build better relationships going forward.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


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    TRANSCRIPT

    [0:00:00] Carly: But it was just continual threats of, you know, I will tell my wife, she'll come after me. And she does have a history. She'll come after you, she'll come after your license. I will destroy your life. I will get your kids taken away from you here. I'm in the middle of a divorce, too, at the same time, so there's a lot of poll there.


    [0:00:30] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

    Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave, or those lighter or funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing, really, the how, what, when live at all. Today.


    [0:01:31] Brianne Davis: My guest is Carly. Now, Carly, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    [0:01:39] Carly: Oh, my goodness. Yeah. My biggest life secret is how I ended up being literally held captive by a qualifier for about two years. And on the outside, I was like, this working professional and raising three kids and doing all that, but nobody would have known that on a day to day basis, I was like, being tracked and couldn't communicate with friends and was stuck at home in my personal life. Yeah. So it's a complicated story, but I thought it would be better to start with the end first so that we kind of know what we're building up to because there's obviously history there as to how one gets to that place.


    [0:02:22] Brianne Davis: Yeah. So take us back take us back to the beginning. How did you get involved with this person?


    [0:02:29] Carly: Yes, well, we'll actually go back a little bit further than that because it's important. I'll just truncate the earlier years of my life, let's just say that I became a love addict pretty early on. Didn't get a lot of affection and love from my caregivers, and so really learned early on in high school years, early 20s, like, relationships hit the hit just that spot for me and was involved in a lot of relationships just because I wanted the validation and the approval and the praise. So I just wanted to share that piece because this has been a long, ongoing pattern that I think really built up for this.


    [0:03:13] Brianne Davis: I have a question for you, though. I have a question before you get into that, because you said you would get with people for the attention and validation. Did you get with people that were toxic? Did you get with people you weren't really in love with? Did you get with people that just liked you, so you automatically liked them? What was that little dynamic?


    [0:03:35] Carly: Yeah, I think that's a great question. I would say all of the above. It kind of just depended on the mood I was in, what I needed. Sometimes I'll even say, like, how desperate I was.


    [0:03:45] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:03:46] Carly: The very first relationship that I really noticed this love addiction over was a qualifier. He was definitely a narcissist, and so I got hooked into that. Unfortunately, he did rape me in the day rape scenario, and so I think that also there was this trauma bonding piece there.


    [0:04:12] Brianne Davis: So you dated him after he did that?


    [0:04:15] Carly: Yeah, that was the first time I'd ever had sex, and I had told him I didn't want to have sex. I wanted to wait until I was married. And he played along for a while, and then one night, he just forced me to do it. Like, literally held down. Wow. And so after that and it was so confusing because at this point, I was infatuated with this person, and I just couldn't see him for who he really was. And I was 18, and he was very popular, and he was kind of picturesque. We were both pretty well into our sports and went to college for that. So it's kind of this picturesque from the outside scenario.


    [0:04:56] Brianne Davis: But inside, he totally violated you.


    [0:04:59] Carly: Yes.


    [0:04:59] Brianne Davis: Didn't listen to you, you didn't have a voice, and that was your first person you ever slept with and how damaging that is.


    [0:05:08] Carly: Yeah, well, I just remember walking away feeling ruined, like, okay, I have to stay with this person. I have to make this work because I don't have anything to really offer. That's an important piece. That relationship went on and off for about three years. But I would say that we'd get into a lot of relationships, some that were toxic, some that were convenient, some with people I wasn't even interested in.


    [0:05:36] Brianne Davis: I've been there too. I was like, oh, you like me. I guess I like you, too, for.


    [0:05:42] Carly: The attention I liked that. The validation, the praise. I believed I needed that stuff.


    [0:05:50] Brianne Davis: Did you always feel, too, for you with the power dynamic? If someone liked you and you weren't really interested in them, at least you had that power position?


    [0:05:58] Carly: Yes. Because I could always play the card if I needed to. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay, cool.


    [0:06:04] Brianne Davis: Thank you for sharing that. I was just wondering.


    [0:06:06] Carly: Thank you.


    [0:06:07] Brianne Davis: But you were saying then at 26, you were about to stay at 26.


    [0:06:11] Carly: Yeah, 27. I had been dating on and off, and many of my friends were married at that time and were starting to have kids, and so I was feeling the pressure there to do that, and I hadn't really found anyone that I'd hand out. And so I met my ex husband at 27 and I pretty much forced it to work because he was like the least toxic person that I had been with in a while. And he needed some rescuing, which we all love to do.


    [0:06:48] Brianne Davis: You need some rescuing? I'm there.


    [0:06:50] Carly: That's right. You need me, I will be there. And so I kind of knew in my heart that my higher power was like, no, but I pushed it. I own the fact that I was not ready to be alone again. And so I kind of forced that situation.


    [0:07:10] Brianne Davis: What do you mean by forced that situation? Mean, in your mind, you forced it.


    [0:07:14] Carly: Yeah, exactly. He was way into me and was fine. He was pursuing me. I just had other insight in my heart that I was like, It's kind of a mess. Like, his family life was a mess. I mean, there was just a lot going on, but I was terrified of being alone again. I was like, no, this person is good enough. I remember saying that and thinking that this person is good enough. Because I think, I believe deep down in my heart that I might be alone, that I might not get married. And I think that has a lot to do with my feeling of value and self worth. Yeah.


    [0:07:52] Brianne Davis: Especially if everyone around you is doing it.


    [0:07:55] Carly: Yeah. And asking you, right, when are you going to settle down? Or whatever. So that's what I mean by force, that I didn't force him. I was forcing myself, in a sense, to just ignore my intuition. Yeah. I don't recommend that, but I would.


    [0:08:13] Brianne Davis: Not recommend that either. Tip number one, don't ignore your intuition.


    [0:08:20] Carly: Great. Write that down. So we got married and it's kind of, I would say predictable a bit, but I was the love avoidant in the marriage. He was the love addict in the marriage and he was very needy and I was constantly rescuing and saving. And there was a lot of struggles in the marriage.


    [0:08:45] Brianne Davis: Can you name some in case someone is in a marriage that is sounding similar? Like, what are some of the struggles you remember?


    [0:08:53] Carly: Neither one of us really had a healthy sense of ourselves. I was very successful and confident in my career and he didn't have that confidence, so he would over rely on me to sort of build him up or help him get some connections. There was just a really overreliance on me for his security. And then what's interesting, right, I have some meshmen from my childhood. And so his grabbing at me is what that felt like was very repulsive to me. I was like, oh, my gosh, I need you to be a man, get your career set up. Yeah, I need someone for me. I'm forging a brand new business and doing all this stuff. Yeah. And so we would just kind of go round and round in circles with that, and he just didn't have the tools. And I didn't either, honestly, to just say, this is who he is. This is who I am. I can't make somebody be somebody that they're not. Because in rescuing, I thought, okay, well, I'll just teach them these things and I'll help them, and that's not my job. I don't think that's anybody's job.


    [0:10:07] Brianne Davis: No, it's nobody's job. I mean, I've been with my husband for 18 years, and there's things that I don't struggle with that he struggles with, that I can't fix for him or even teach him. It's like he has to do it for himself without side help. You can't do that within the relationship.


    [0:10:25] Carly: Exactly. And I didn't have a family that sought different help. I just went in with that naivety of like, oh, well, I'll help him and change him, and exactly. It was so disempowering for him. Right. Because I'm the one who's sort of, like, helping him through everything. And I think it was really emasculating in some ways, not intentionally, but when somebody's constantly helping and rescuing you, that doesn't feel empowering, that you don't get.


    [0:11:00] Brianne Davis: To even build that inner self of self reliance.


    [0:11:04] Carly: Right. Yeah. So as you can imagine, the cycle went on. He would grab at me, I would pull back. He would get really angry that I was pulling back, and he would not feel loved and cared for, and then I would just grab some more. I'd pull back. It was just kind of this really long cycle. Eventually, towards the end of the marriage, we were together. We were married for 14 years. Towards the end of the marriage, we had both just sort of, I would say, become apathetic. Like, we're just living together. Exactly. He kind of got settled in his own career, which, I mean, that was good. So I think we just sort of came to status quo, if you will. We weren't intimate.


    [0:11:49] Carly: We weren't connecting. We had three kids well, sorry, two at the time, towards the end of the marriage. And so we were living. And it wasn't bad, but it was, like, very lonely, just like, okay. And throughout my marriage, I didn't want to get a divorce. That was something that I should throw in here. That's just some of my own personal things. And my parents pushed through their marriage. I'm not saying that that was necessarily the best thing, but I think I just had agreed to, like, okay, this is what it's going to be like in my marriage. We're just going to do the best.


    [0:12:28] Brianne Davis: Of it, and I'm just going to keep living. Not thriving, but almost surviving. Right?


    [0:12:34] Carly: Exactly. I think that there was just this part of me like this would have meant we just had become apathetic. Never once in my marriage did I ever look at another man, talk to another man inappropriately. I really didn't. And I had not been unfaithful to anybody before that in any of my relationships. And I'm not saying that was like self praise. It's not something I had really, I just didn't believe.


    [0:13:04] Brianne Davis: I don't know. I think that's great because lots of people do do that, even DM, or getting that attention somewhere else, or having a close friend. That's what I hear about, I'm like close friend, please, or emotional affair or even a physical affair. People do do those things instead of saying, hey, something's wrong in this marriage. But yes, I think it's great you didn't go that route. I've went that route.


    [0:13:28] Carly: I'm the cheater.


    [0:13:29] Brianne Davis: Totally.


    [0:13:30] Carly: So, I mean, it's interesting, right? The route that I went was just like sheer self deprivation. That's really what ended up happening, is like, okay, well, I'm going to settle for this, and it's just going to suck, and we're going to make this happen, and I just won't have what I need or what I want. I don't know. I just settled for that. And that's an old lifelong pattern as well. And my career to you by your.


    [0:13:54] Brianne Davis: Parents, it seemed it was mirrored almost.


    [0:13:57] Carly: Yeah, exactly. I was there for them. They weren't there for me growing up. I was there for them. So my career is important to mention at this point because I am in the mental health profession or the field, and I work with sex addiction, I work with sex addicts and with couples. And so it's interesting, right, because I had a lot of insight and a lot of knowledge about what does happen when you go outside of the marriage. Just all the stuff, right, with betrayal and trauma. And so anyways, had worked with many a male individually at that point, some quite truly narcissistic, truly controlling, manipulative. And I had actually learned how to advocate for myself and draw some really clear boundaries throughout those years with working with that population, and at that point had even just had to fire some clients depending on the situation of appropriateness and that sort of thing.


    [0:15:04] Brianne Davis: So first you learned in boundaries in your career before your relationship.


    [0:15:11] Carly: Which I understand that in a lot of ways, just because there are more clear boundaries in a profession, I believe, right, it's like, okay, no, we're not here to flirt. Like, I'm here too. We're here to work through what you're working through and hopefully get your marriage to work. Something like that. Anyway. But I bring all that up because when COVID hits, there was a few different things. My ex husband lost his in the airline industry, the airline industry went under, he lost his job, and he really spiraled into a pretty significant depression. Then he had an accident. He actually had a really bad accident and injured to his hand. It ended up amputating one of a finger in our backyard. So I say all this because during that same time so with COVID I'm starting to work full time. I am. He's unemployed. I am taking care of the kids as well. He's injured his hand.


    [0:16:16] Carly: He had to have three surgeries on the hand, so he cannot help at all with our children. And then the last straw was he was going to change careers again. And I was like, I'm drowning here. I can't support you through another career change. I'm growing the practice, doing all this stuff. I can't do that. To which he was very hurt and angry and whatever. And at that point, I just said, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I need a separation. I can't do this anymore.


    [0:16:53] Brianne Davis: You were tapped out. You were tapped out. You were mentally, emotionally depleted.


    [0:16:59] Carly: I was, and I had given everything. And the last thing is that I had just given birth to our youngest a year before, or sorry, about six months before. I'm sorry about six months before. She would not take a bottle, so I'm having her transported back and forth up to my office while I'm working full time, breastfeeding, pumping, doing the whole it was just brutal. It was brutal.


    [0:17:27] Brianne Davis: Breastfeeding is brutal, brutal.


    [0:17:31] Carly: And it was kind of my third, so I was very familiar with but it was just the logistics of it were so hard. So anyways, I said, I want a separation. I want the separation. So essentially what had happened is about two weeks after we separated inside of our house at that time, because he didn't have a job, and I needed help with the kids wherever I could get some support, whatever. So we just did that. And a client who I had worked with for about a year and a half had started giving me probably the month before. Clients can read energy, by the way. I'm just going to share that because they just can. Right. You're in a room with another person that you talk to often. So this client had inquired, is everything okay? What's going on? We had worked together for about a year and a half. This client is married and had given off kind of this flirty vibe that I had shut down a few different times. Absolutely not.


    [0:18:31] Carly: Yeah, and that's not what we're here for. This client had inquired, hey, is everything okay? You seem a little off. And I just didn't give any details. I just said, yeah, I'm just going through a lot personally. There's been a lot going on, and that's about as many details as I usually give, honestly, just to sort of truncate this. They were very persistent and well, and I had sorry, I should say, I had told this client, I said, you know, I think our work is really coming to a close right now. I think at the very least, we should take a break, and we can pick it back up later if you guys are needing some more. I was working with him individually to theoretically sustain the marriage.


    [0:19:14] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:19:15] Carly: To which he said, no, I don't want to break. He said, I enjoy coming here. This is kind of my outlet, if you will, and you're one of my best friends, which I said, no, I'm not. Oh, no.


    [0:19:26] Brianne Davis: Red flag. Red, black, red flag.


    [0:19:29] Carly: Exactly. I said, no, I'm not your best friend. I said, I'm flattered, in a sense, just to know that you feel a connection. I said, but that's not what this is. So he said, Well, I think I'll start spiraling backwards if we didn't meet. And I said, okay, we can do this for a couple more months, and then we can just go from there. Okay, mistake number one.


    [0:19:50] Brianne Davis: Mistake number one not trusting your instinct to know.


    [0:19:53] Carly: It was not trusting my instinct yet. And twice I had mentioned this, closing our work, and at this point, I had started to become internally, not externally, really, like what's the word? Just, I think, impressed. Right? That this person this is a person very successful, very well known in the community, was even, like, having those feelings or thoughts towards me. It was flattering.


    [0:20:22] Brianne Davis: Right?


    [0:20:22] Carly: And if you're flattering, your marriage is.


    [0:20:24] Brianne Davis: Dissolving, and you, oh, my gosh, there's this wound you have to heal, right? Any relationship that ends, there's a wound, so you hadn't healed. And then this guy that is probably attractive, really? That's flattering. I get it.


    [0:20:47] Carly: Anyways, we cut meetings, and he had mentioned a few sessions later, he was like, Sometimes I just think it'd be helpful if I could call you in between session and check in about a few things. And I was like, no, I'm not okay with that. I said, first of all, I think that would really be very difficult for your wife, that you're just calling up another female, even if it is a professional. I said, And I don't want any red flags raised with her coming after me. It's very sensitive in the field of betrayal.


    [0:21:15] Brianne Davis: Right. Well, you can get your license and stuff taken away.


    [0:21:19] Carly: Yeah, sure. And I'm another female, right, that the partners are talking to. So I never met with the wife or anything at all. That wasn't something she was interested in. But nonetheless, I just told him that, no, I'm not okay with that. So about two weeks later, this person calls me from another number sorry, text me from another number. And I think at that point, I was just, like, shocked and really flattered and intrigued, but also terrified I'm going to use all of those words altogether. And I texted back, oh, I didn't text back. No, I did not text back. I called because I didn't know who had access to what.


    [0:22:09] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:22:10] Carly: And I said, what are you doing, and Where is your wife? Like, what is going on? And he was like, Well, I know you don't just like me as a friend. And I said no. I said, I think the story is you don't like me just as a friend. So we got into this conversation, and he said he essentially just begged me. He was like, can you give this a chance? I want to make you the happiest woman in the world. I know how special you are. I think you're incredible. You're smart, you've got an amazing career in practice, blah, blah, blah, blah. All the flattery, all the love bombing. Just name it what it is.


    [0:22:46] Brianne Davis: First of all, tip number three, he didn't respect your boundaries and called you on a numbered number. Tip number four, he loved bombed you while he was married. There we go. There's all the tips so far.


    [0:22:56] Carly: There's all the tips. That's right. We're ready to move down. But here's the thing, right? It's like, at this point, I was in such self deprivation that this was all very hard for me to resist, even when I was, oh, it is absolutely.


    [0:23:13] Brianne Davis: That flattery, that high, that feeling wanted. Especially after being in a marriage that didn't wasn't healthy. You're like anything. You're, like thirsty for water.


    [0:23:27] Carly: Exactly. I love that you said that, because I have three close friends who all use the same analogy, like, thirsty people will drink dirty water. I was like, so true. So true. So essentially, he said, look, can you just think about this? And I was like, there's nothing to think about. I said, this is my license. This is my life. I said, I can't do this. And so at that point, he started spiraling. And so like, well, I'm going to kill myself then, because I can't not have you in my life.


    [0:24:02] Brianne Davis: Tip number five, if someone's going to kill themselves over you, run.


    [0:24:08] Carly: It's true. Although that was a huge trigger point for me, honestly. He was like, and everyone will know because you're my therapist. And so it was going to make it sort of like it was insinuated, right? But it was going to be this very public thing because of me. And this is somebody who has connections, I mean, with everybody. I didn't want to say later on in the story, I didn't call the local police. I called the city police because he's connected. So that being said is I panicked, and I was like and he was like, Just give it just give it 30 days. And I was like, fine. I will give it 30 days.


    [0:24:52] Brianne Davis: You said fine.


    [0:24:54] Carly: I did.


    [0:24:54] Brianne Davis: You were taken hostage already?


    [0:24:57] Carly: Yeah. What are you signing the lease for?


    [0:24:59] Brianne Davis: 30 days.


    [0:25:00] Carly: Well said. Thank you.


    [0:25:02] Brianne Davis: You know what I mean?


    [0:25:03] Carly: Yes.


    [0:25:04] Brianne Davis: The insanity of that, I was terrified at this point.


    [0:25:08] Carly: It was sheer terror. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I actually went home and told my husband, who I was separated from at the time. I was like, look, this person has started pursuing me. I'm just not a secrets holder. I'm just not. I was like, so I said, I don't know where this is going. I said, But I'm not going to be lying about these things. So anyways, let's just fast forward. Almost the same scenario happened with my first boyfriend where this person ended up sexually forcing himself on me as well.


    [0:25:53] Brianne Davis: Someone you dated took advantage of you?


    [0:25:56] Carly: Yeah, well, if you can call it a dating I would say it's sort of like Stockholm syndrome, but totally.


    [0:26:02] Brianne Davis: You got held hostage. Let's just say, like he was threatening suicide, your license was going to be taken away, he could have made up lies, all that stuff. And you were being held hostage and he took sexual advantage of you.


    [0:26:13] Carly: He did. And I again told him, I was like, I'm not even there yet. I don't even know you in that way. I'm not there.


    [0:26:22] Brianne Davis: And where did that happen? Can you even say where that happened?


    [0:26:26] Carly: Yeah, I had gone away for a weekend to the beach in this area and he asked if he could drive down because it was just me. And I said, yeah, let me think about it. And so I said, yeah, that's fine. So we met up actually, like in this public place anyways. And so we met up in a public place and we were just talking and it was chill. And then we ended up this was again, not what you want to do, but we ended up going back to my room. It was freezing and raining and so we ended up going back to my room and it was a big suite, so we're just sitting on the couch area. And I was really intentional about all of that too, honestly. And then I can't really remember parts of it. I disassociated pretty bad and I kept having some flashbacks. I had several flashbacks during that time. So he did. He forced himself on me. And I have such a hard time saying no, which is just sort of my trauma reactivity there.


    [0:27:38] Brianne Davis: Well, you freeze, probably.


    [0:27:40] Carly: I do.


    [0:27:40] Brianne Davis: Even if you don't say no and you freeze, you are being taken advantage of. Yes, you'd have to say no for it not but you actually don't. That's still sexual assault. I just want to make that clear for anybody listening.


    [0:27:56] Carly: No, I like that. I appreciate that. Yeah, I was physically shaking, physically shaking. And it was just full on compliance mode. And this person had already I mean, I didn't have a no with this person. So that happened and that was a real turning point to where, again, it triggered this like, I've got to make this work because I'm going to lose my entire life. He's going to destroy everything. Yeah, I saw this entire other side of this person. It's important to note this is sociopathic and narcissistic behavior. This isn't just somebody who is your typical sex addict. So I just want to clarify, there's a big difference, but of course not all these things are known until you're in these places reflecting, until you're showing their true self. But essentially this goes on, right? For a year and a half. Wow.


    [0:28:59] Brianne Davis: And I tried a long time.


    [0:29:02] Carly: I tried to leave numerous times, tried to leave numerous times, but I was, like, tracked, sometimes followed by different people. And it was just the whole thing. I did try to love him, to survive him. I did. There were attractive things about him and good things about him.


    [0:29:25] Brianne Davis: Was he still married?


    [0:29:27] Carly: Oh, yeah.


    [0:29:28] Brianne Davis: So you were even a secret in that?


    [0:29:30] Carly: Absolutely. I was completely secret. He refused. He could not leave the marriage until he knew that I was all in because he's terrified. And he was straightforward about this. I'm terrified of being alone. I cannot be alone. He's terrified of it. And he was like, you don't understand what happens to me when I'm alone. And of course, in my mind of being, yeah, I do know what happens to you.


    [0:29:51] Brianne Davis: Kid number six, if someone can't be alone, abort mission.


    [0:29:56] Carly: Right? There you go. So, yes, this whole time, and I kept telling him, I was like, she's going to find out. Everything in the dark, comes into the light. And let's be clear that this wife, rightfully so, had trackers on all of his vehicles. This is somebody with multiple trackers. Cell phone tracked his cell phone, had everything stained. He's calling me and connecting me with a secret phone this whole time. And he's living there, and they are separated in their house as well, and they have been for a long time, but he's living there because he can't leave her unless he knows everything's okay with me. Well, I'm not giving him any indication that I'm sticking around because I'm continuing to try to avoid this whole thing, but it was just continual threats of, I will tell my wife, she'll come after me. And she does have a history. She'll come after you, she'll come after your license. I will destroy your life. I will get your kids taken away from you here. I'm in the middle of a divorce, too, at the same time, so there's a lot of I know we're running.


    [0:31:00] Brianne Davis: Out of time, but how did you get out of it? I'm just like, on pins and needles. How did you happen to get out of it?


    [0:31:07] Carly: Well, what I did was I secretly planned to admit to trauma treatment. I knew I needed to go to treatment and get out. And despite the bullet, I already had a restraining order on him at this time, which he was complying with as long as I didn't leave him. But all threats were still at bay. He's like, I'll post pictures of you all over the internet. I'll do whatever. So I essentially had to make a secret plan with my best friend. She booked the tickets, and I did all the treatment planning, and I did it all in secret from a different device. And then one morning, actually, unfortunately, it was ironically. On his birthday.


    [0:31:55] Brianne Davis: Happy birthday.


    [0:31:57] Carly: I woke up and I left and I was gone for a couple of months. Wow. And there was a little bit of contact had after. When I came back, this was really different. It wasn't anything like that. And that was it. That was it, essentially. I don't really know what happened. I fully believe that God just rescued me from that situation. And he got distracted or something by somebody else. Once. I was just unattainable. I mean, I just was gone.


    [0:32:26] Brianne Davis: You just cut it all off. You just pretty much just disappeared to save yourself.


    [0:32:32] Carly: Yeah.


    [0:32:32] Brianne Davis: That's what I tell people. I work with this one client. I'm like, disappear. You can disappear. You can go, you can go. You can get out of this. You can get away from this abusive person. Wow.


    [0:32:46] Carly: If it's bad enough.


    [0:32:47] Brianne Davis: So if you're stuck, disappear, it's okay.


    [0:32:50] Carly: Yeah.


    [0:32:51] Brianne Davis: Because a lot of people think that's weak, just so you know. And I don't think it's weak.


    [0:32:55] Carly: Well, I'm back in the same area. My practice is what it is. I didn't even get to get to this part. But she did find out about the phone and about me and so my license no, the board was very supportive, actually, because I just told them the whole truth. And I had evidence and all this, you know, text. And I had I told them the whole truth of the situation to which they were very gracious of an understanding of because, honestly, I should have had my license revoked. That's just the reality of the situation. But I did not. I don't have any restrictions on my license. And I see that as just the grace of God.


    [0:33:32] Brianne Davis: And also your authenticity of the truth. Do you see what I'm saying? There's accountability and saying, yes, these are the things that happen. Here's how it happened. Did I have a part in it? Yes.


    [0:33:44] Carly: And I told them all of that. I did.


    [0:33:47] Brianne Davis: I think that is the saving grace of you, I just have to say, because there's this part of you that's really authentic in the real and the raw and the struggle with yourself and with others.


    [0:34:00] Carly: Yeah, thank you for that. I appreciate that. I do believe that the truth sets us free. I do.


    [0:34:06] Brianne Davis: It does. Oh my God. We're running out of town and we could literally talk forever, but is there anything else that the listeners you think need to hear or something that you really learned from this experience? I know we only have a couple of minutes left.


    [0:34:19] Carly: Yeah, it's okay. I just hope that some people can maybe connect with some of the details. It's a crazy story. So not all the details, but bits and pieces right. That you can connect with. I still work program. I am in a twelve step recovery program for sex and love addiction. And I work program and I've learned so much through this, just about even what I want in my own relationships. Personally and professionally, yes, but more so personally. And that everything has a silver lining. All tragedies. I've grown so much from this and I have such a just heart in general for people going through this. But you don't have to stay in that. You do not have to stay in that. No matter what.


    [0:35:03] Brianne Davis: No matter what. Thank you so much for coming on Secret Life. I'm so grateful for your story.


    [0:35:09] Carly: Yeah, thank you for having me.


    [0:35:10] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    35m | Jan 2, 2023
  • Anton: I've Always Wanted to be an Actor

    The Secret to a Successful Life: Follow Your Passion — Anton always wanted to be an actor, but as a gay Armenian man, he didn't see representation on tv and in films, so it seemed almost impossible. Brianne and Anton dig into Hollywood's new focus on diversity and inclusion, following your dreams, and never giving up. This a great episode to lead you into the New Year's resolutions!

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show, email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    This month's sponsor - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    TRANSCRIPT:

    Anton 00:00:00 Most people do not know this about me. And there's a there's a reason for that. Because I think that we will keep secrets because, I don't know, we're embarrassed that there wasn't a resolution or because we find something else that we're passionate about. There's so many different things. You know what I mean? Like, it's it's so funny. M.


    Brianne Davis  00:00:30 Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Bryanne Davis Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets we probably want to go to our grave with, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing, really. The how, what, when, where, and m why of it all. Today, my guest is the amazing Anton. Now, Anton, I have a question for you. Yes, dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    Anton 00:01:45 Okay, so, my secret you're going to trip on this.


    Brianne Davis  00:01:49 Oh, my God, I can't wait. I'm, like, grinning.


    Anton 00:01:53 Um, that I wanted to be an actor.


    Brianne Davis  00:01:56 What?


    Anton 00:01:57 I know.


    Brianne Davis  00:01:58 Wow, that was really loud. Sorry, people. What?


    Anton 00:02:01 I know, it's crazy, right? And we wait a second.


    Brianne Davis  00:02:05 We've worke together.


    Anton 00:02:06 I've done your makeup, like, a ton. I'm a makeup artist, uh, to everyone out there.


    Brianne Davis  00:02:11 Everyone. If you need the most amazing eyes, like, eye makeup done, he is the person. But you've never told me. I mean, we've talked about everything.


    Anton 00:02:21 Yeah, and it's interesting because it's something that I don't most people, maybe a couple of my friends know this, but most people do not know this about me. And, uh, there's a reason for that. Because I think that we will keep secrets because, I don't know, we're embarrassed that there wasn't a resolution or because we find something else that we're passionate about. There's so many different things. You know what I mean? It's so funny.


    Brianne Davis  00:02:54 Okay, but we got to go back to the beginning. When do you want to become an actor? Like, at what age?


    Anton 00:03:00 Well, it definitely wasn't when I was a kid or anything like that. I moved to Los Angeles about ten years ago, and I started working more full time as a, uh, makeup artist. And I love doing makeup, and I still do, and I'm very passionate about it. But I started to realize when I first moved to La. That I'm working with a lot of actors, and it's really cool what they're doing. I like that whole scene of working with a crew and working with a team, and I always found that to be really interesting. And there's this family unit involved, and I also always saw my clients not more in the spotlight, in the sense that's what I wanted, but more in the spotlight of, like, everyone wanted to meet their needs. Everyone wants to make sure their needs are met, and everyone else around them is kind of not significant. Catering to it.


    Brianne Davis  00:04:03 When you're the actor, you're the most important person.


    Anton 00:04:06 Exactly.


    Brianne Davis  00:04:07 All this energy is like I was just talking to somebody on set. You're literally getting touched. Twenty four seven.


    Anton 00:04:14 Yes, it's true. Everybody needs to do something, and it involves the actor.


    Brianne Davis  00:04:21 Yes.


    Anton 00:04:22 So I always found that to be really fascinating, but then I never really tried. I mean, I started to do makeup pretty quickly on a freelance basis. I was working at Mac. I was working in retail in Arizona, where I'm from. I left the company after six years, and then I moved here, and I was working for a different brand, a brand called Hourglass.


    Brianne Davis  00:04:44 I love ah hourglass.


    Anton 00:04:46 Yeah, we've definitely chatted about that. But it was in a retail capacity until I could kind of stabilize my freelance career. And I loved it, and I still love it. So it was never an issue of, am I missing out on something? But at the same time, there was that, what if I tried?


    Brianne Davis  00:05:05 Kind of no, wait, you never even tried? Did you even go on audition?


    Anton 00:05:08 No. And the reason was because a couple of years, ah, maybe gosh, it might have even been just a year after I moved here, um, I was approached to do an on camera kind of tutorial for a show, obviously as myself, um, teaching. I was doing, like, a smoky eye tutorial on a show. It was actually one of RuPaul's shows. Uh, it was a spin off of RuPaul's Drag Race called RuPaul's Drag You.


    Brianne Davis  00:05:38 Okay?


    Anton 00:05:39 They would basically take a woman who would like, she feels like she kind of lost her swag, and she lost her way with her style, and she needed that re up, kind of glow up, that now everyone is kind of saying situation. And she would get assigned a drag queen professor, one of the kind of alumni from one of the other shows. And, um, then there were three women on the show who all had their own professor, and they all had to compete. So they would bring in these kind of beauty experts. And I got to come in and do this on camera smokey eye tutorial, which was really fun. And I got to play on my personality and everybody else's personality. And a show like that has a whole lot of personality. Oh, yeah, it was really fun. And I realized very quickly, I'm like, maybe being myself on camera is the real thing, that I'm kind of wanting to do.


    Brianne Davis  00:06:37 Okay, but I have a question for you, and I love that I love that you love the whole aspect of the entertainment business and the family, but do you think you first wanted to become an actor for the poshy glam side and not the hard working you're getting your ass handed to you?


    Anton 00:06:58 You know what? It's so interesting you say that, because it's probably because, oh, gosh, he's thinking hard, people.


    Brianne Davis  00:07:11 She should see his face.


    Anton 00:07:13 She could see me. I'm glad no one else can. No, I'm kidding. But, um no, it's so interesting because I think being new to the business and new to the industry ten years ago, mhm very, very easy to see that side of it and to think, well, I can do this too. Why shouldn't I try? Why shouldn't I, um, get that kind of attention? But I was also 25. I was still trying to find my way and figure it out. And then I quickly realized, this is not easy. M this has to be a passion. You can't just wake up and necessarily want to do something like this. And it wasn't that wake for me. I always found it to be kind of like a fascinating, like, oh, well, I have a big personality, so I could learn a script. Like, what's the big deal? But then I quickly realized, I'm like, well, maybe that script is just my own life. Maybe that's maybe it's my life.


    Brianne Davis  00:08:06 You don't want to play other people. See, because I became an actor because I didn't want to be myself. I wanted to be somebody else. And I loved putting on other people's clothes and shoes and talking different and becoming a different character.


    Anton 00:08:21 Yeah, I love that. I mean, I think that's so cool, like, for you. But I, uh, think that you, as an actor, you're moldable in the sense that you can step into that character and be a blank canvas for that director versus not everyone is that way. And for me, I think it's very much like I'm kind of a big personality in the sense of just who.


    Brianne Davis  00:08:46 You take up a lot of space.


    Anton 00:08:48 I do take up space, because let.


    Brianne Davis  00:08:49 Me tell you people, when he's doing my makeup at 05:00 a.m., my husband is literally like, uh, Anton is here with Rachel. They're so loud. You guys don't need to scream at each other.


    Anton 00:09:03 This is like pre baby, too. He's like, Why are you yelling? I can hear you. Literally, like, you're crossing her face. And it's part of who we are. It's just hysterical. But here's the thing, and I think it would have been very tricky to have tried to be an actor and to maybe have done a couple of little of things and then transition back into makeup artistry. It might be tricky in the sense of being taken seriously at that point. So I think it's probably a good thing that it didn't necessarily go that direction.


    Brianne Davis  00:09:46 I'm so fascinated. I would have never thought you wanted to be an actor of that. Yeah, I could see why. What we said, like, the family aspect, the creativity, all these people come together in one for short periods of time, and they create this art, and it's the best feeling in the world, mhm, but it cannot sustain you being an actor.


    Anton 00:10:10 Yeah, it's such a trip. But there is another reason why I didn't want to try, and this kind of goes deeper into it. Um, so I feel like it's very finding encouragement from friends and family to just go out and do whatever you want is very difficult. So that can be a very difficult part, too. And I have wonderful parents, I have a great family. They're very supportive of what I do. But if I was wanting to leave home and say I wanted to be an actor, I think it would have kind of, maybe been a tricky situation. So unless you really have the guts to do it at a young age, which many do, and many find that success that way, it's tricky to do that, you know what I mean? I also think that, um, there wasn't a whole lot of representation. There still isn't a whole lot of representation. Hollywood has definitely come a long way, but there weren't really any Armenian, I'm gay. And there were just a lot of situations, um, where I didn't see myself on television or in commercials or in ads. Like, I'm not blond haired or blue eyed, and ten years ago, that's all I really saw. Yeah. And I feel like it's interestingly enough now. There's so much more representation where the blond haired, blue eyed actors are having more of a difficulty.


    Brianne Davis  00:11:33 Uh, yes, we are.


    Anton 00:11:35 And I know you could speak to that. It's so interesting. But, I mean, if there was a gay person on a show, they were playing themselves or they were being pigeonholed or stereotyped, and that was very, very discouraging also, in the sense of like, well, I have something that I'm doing that I love, and thank goodness for that, because there's no place for me. You know what I mean?


    Brianne Davis  00:12:02 It's a bummer.


    Anton 00:12:03 It is a bummer, and I don't have any regrets in that regard.


    Brianne Davis  00:12:09 Are you trying to tell me right now you're not going to do my makeup anymore? You're going to become an actor?


    Anton 00:12:14 Well, no, I will always be there for you because you're fantastic and I adore you. But, um, I definitely think that, um, since that one on camera opportunity that I talked about with, um, RuPaul's show, there have been several others. I did a makeover show on TLC, which was this really cool six part series where I was like, the on camera makeup artist. And then I did a Facebook watch show, um, called Beauty School Knockout, which was really fun. And I was like, the makeup judge. Vanessa Lache was the host of the show, and I was kind of like her guest judge. So I've had a lot of those opportunities surface. And the more I've done them, the more I've realized that I love that as much as I love doing makeup. And m a lot of glam people have a hard time doing on camera things. The fact that I can do that and the fact that I'm comfortable with that, um, just shows me even more. So that like doing a show in that sense, where I am like a beauty expert being myself, not playing somebody else, because that's not at all where I want to go. Everything that I've done in this business for the last decade has showed me that that's not what I want. But being myself on an on camera project 100%, I'm still looking for that next great opportunity.


    Brianne Davis  00:13:41 Well, I love that because I think we have this idea of what we're supposed to be, or we have this dream, and sometimes, uh, there's not a reality to it. And you don't put yourself doing the work or what it takes. And I love that you found something else that you're actually passionate about, and then you can put that on camera, that you love being on camera together. Because for me, I actually hate being on camera. Like myself being myself.


    Anton 00:14:11 It's so funny, isn't it?


    Brianne Davis  00:14:13 I hate my voice. I hate the way I look. I will pick myself apart, but when I'm another character, I don't even see me.


    Anton 00:14:22 Yeah, it's interesting. Uh, that's why you're so good at what you do. And I love watching you in your element, because it's so fun, because I know you and I know your personality. And then I'll watch something that you do, and you come across completely differently. Which is the job. Yeah, which is actually literally the job. But for me, it's finding myself even more in those kinds of projects. And I think that we're in such a different place with representation, which is so unbelievable. I think the business has a long way to go, but for anyone who's listening, don't be discouraged by that at all if you want to take the chance on something. Because who knows? If I had done a couple of projects and when I first moved here, and maybe they were really successful, and then I slowly started to transition into, I don't know, maybe like a beauty expert reality kind of thing and kind of built a following in that regard. My career might have been in a different place, but at the same time, I don't regret the past at all.


    Brianne Davis  00:15:29 Because we are find our way. Exactly. And you can't even I hate when I do that. Like, go back, well, what if I would have taken this worst?


    Anton 00:15:41 Because when it comes to doing something like acting, the fear of failure is really, really huge. Anyone who has a passion about anything can have a fear of failure, and that's completely legitimate. But when you're at the top of the totem pole and the camera is on you, it's much, much scarier.


    Brianne Davis  00:16:01 Oh, yeah.


    Anton 00:16:01 So, um, definitely not wanting to fail.


    Brianne Davis  00:16:05 Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Not wanting to fail. Because failing is hard, man. Rejection is hard.


    Anton 00:16:12 Absolutely. I auditioned for a reality show recently, which I did not end up, uh, booking. But they went a completely different path.


    Brianne Davis  00:16:24 And how did you handle that?


    Anton 00:16:25 It was fine, because when I finally saw the show, they had kind of gone a completely different direction. So it was not.


    Brianne Davis  00:16:36 For you before you knew who they actually hired. How was the rejection?


    Anton 00:16:43 I was devastated, for sure, because I didn't hear back. I didn't really even get like you never hear back. So I was really bummed because it was for a big network, and I was feeling for sure, like, this was that moment. Because, like I said, I've done plenty of this is not like, uh, oh, you know what? I want to be an on camera personality, being a beauty expert. I've done plenty of that. So I have the experience. I just haven't necessarily found the right project. And I felt like when I did that audition, I mean, I put this huge press kit together, all of the work that you do for something like that, and then just nothing.


    Brianne Davis  00:17:21 Cricket.


    Anton 00:17:22 Cricket. Like, less than crickets. But then when I finally saw the show, I saw a trailer, and I nearly fainted. I saw the ad for the trailer, and I was like, okay, I might peel over and die, because obviously I didn't do it, and it's a project happened. But then when I saw it, I said, okay, it wasn't a makeup artist they were looking for.


    Brianne Davis  00:17:45 Got it.


    Anton 00:17:46 It had gone a completely different direction. So I did feel a lot better about that, knowing that it wasn't personal because there really wasn't placed for me. But at the same time, it takes away a part of you when you do all of that planning and all of that work, it's exhausting. And it's, uh, not only physically taxing, but it's emotionally taxing.


    Brianne Davis  00:18:11 Yeah. And think about that. You're doing that at least two to three times a week, and you put in the work, and you memorize lines, and you go in and you tape yourself, and you get notes, and you do those notes, and you get dressed and all that stuff.


    Anton 00:18:27 Yeah. I remember you telling me once about learning, like, ten pages of script in, like, the night before. You ran, like, two lines, and you were like, did you really have to torture me? Are you kidding me? You could have just had me memorize one page. Yeah, it's insane.


    Brianne Davis  00:18:51 They do that. They give you ten pages, you work on them, and then you go and they're like, oh, we're just going to read scene one. And you're like, what?


    Anton 00:18:58 Really?


    Brianne Davis  00:18:59 Do you understand? I have a child. I have a life. I have to get some sleep. I have to look amazing.


    Anton 00:19:06 Nobody cares. You have to do it all. You have to do all of it. And that's it's crazy. I don't know how you do it, honestly. And that's where I'm at with this secret, because it's not only just like, um, I couldn't handle it, but more of what I have learned from the business, like being in the business and working with actors. It's just like it's brutal.


    Brianne Davis  00:19:30 It's insane. What are some other things other actresses have told you that you can tell me without giving away who they are?


    Anton 00:19:40 I think racial appropriation is something that because I work with all different kinds you do. You have all different ladies. And I have had clients definitely tell me, like, at auditions, that, um, the casting directors or whomever the producers wanted them to act a certain way. And it was definitely, like, a racial appropriation. Like, one of my asian clients had a casting director tell her to act more like hello kitty, which is, oh, my god, you're faith right now. She talked about that. Um, she talked about that in interviews, and a lot of people were like, oh, my gosh, what does that even mean?


    Brianne Davis  00:20:26 And I'm like, no idea what that means.


    Anton 00:20:27 I know exactly what that means, because hello kitty is this Asian stereotype in a lot of ways. She doesn't have a mouth, because the reason for that is that she, quote unquote, speaks from the heart. But as far as I'm concerned, they just didn't want her to have a voice, and they just wanted her to be cute. And this cute little Asian perfect kitty cat is actually not a cat. She's a girl. So it's like, what does that even mean, though, for her? That's so bad.


    Brianne Davis  00:20:57 That's the worst direction I've ever heard. And I've had some pretty bad direction.


    Anton 00:21:02 It's so bad. You know what I mean? For an African American actress, can you say the line, like, a little bit more like a little bit more urban? Like, oh, so, uh, you want me to sound like you don't mean urban in, like, a fierce, swaggery way? Like, what you're saying is you want me to sound either more feisty. Feisty is not even a bad thing, but basically, maybe say it like you're less educated. Or say it like you're, uh, from the ghetto. That's what you're saying. Versus you could just say, like, oh, say it with a little bit more say it with some more flavor. Say it with some more sass. Like, give me the line with more ferocity. But no, you're telling me to act like I'm from the get. And they wouldn't say that to a white person. They're going to say that to a black actress or actor. The makeup chair is a fierce place. I'm going to tell you, and the things I have heard, it just blows my mind. But, uh, Hollywood has learned a lot over the last ten years, at least that I have been a witness of it. As far as there are certain things that you don't say because guess what? They are offensive.


    Brianne Davis  00:22:13 Yeah. Um, what was the benefit of keeping the secret and what was the harm?


    Anton 00:22:20 Okay, that's a good one. That's a good one. I think the benefit of keeping the secret allowed me to grow as a makeup artist and allowed me to really let that in, because I love it, I'm good at it. I'm not saying that to be vain. I'm saying that because it's no, I.


    Brianne Davis  00:22:35 Already said you were great at it.


    Anton 00:22:37 It's true. And I put the work in. Like, I've worked really hard. I mean, by the time we met, I had learned a few things, and I started at the Mat counter, and that was the best education I could have ever gotten, because the most amazing makeup artists were our trainers, and they were constantly teaching us how to, like, let me show you this winged liner. Let me show you this contouring technique we were always learning. So I've come a long way with my education and with my experience. So if I was not trying to if I was trying to do something else at the same time, especially a service that's involved with the business, it would have been really tricky. And I think that I would have lost a lot of credibility, probably, because.


    Brianne Davis  00:23:17 There'S something about, uh, when you're not the actor and then you tell everybody you want to be an actor, there's this weird stigma comes up.


    Anton 00:23:26 Uh, I've heard that, A, stay away.


    Brianne Davis  00:23:28 From him because he's going to ask me for a job or ask, uh, a connection.


    Anton 00:23:35 I'm sorry, I keep interrupting you, because I'm like, yeah, I've heard that so much on set where a PA or an assistant will randomly sneak that in there. Yeah, well, my real passion is acting. And I'm like, oh, gosh read the room now. It's not the time or the, uh, place at all. So I think that the benefit is that I've gotten to where I am, and I wouldn't change where I am for the world. And I have a long way to go as far as my growth as an artist, because I think it takes, like, uh, approximately 15 years to become an overnight success.


    Brianne Davis  00:24:13 Approximately 20. I'm just a working actor over here.


    Anton 00:24:18 It's hard, and the business is brutal and publicists, have personal relationships and actors and managers, and there's so many things working against you. It's not just like, oh, you did a great job, but, uh, they have other makeup artists that they like, too. It's like, well, maybe their agent doesn't like you, maybe their manager doesn't like you. Or maybe their agent is like, they're, uh, friends with a hair and makeup person that they want us. There's so many factors that work.


    Brianne Davis  00:24:48 The thing, too, about acting, there's so many factors of you getting a job or not even getting a job. There's so many equations. But my last question for you, if somebody is listening to this and they have a dream or they have something they want to go for, but they don't know if it's right, or if they do know it's right, what would be your advice for them?


    Anton 00:25:10 Um, I think that you have to really take some time to understand what it is that you really want, and that can be very difficult when you're young. Because for me, I was seeing, like, oh, maybe this is something that I want to do. Why can't I do this? And then I quickly realized that, okay, there's part of that because there is an on camera aspect, but it has nothing to do with being an actor. So I think it's important to really think about it, make a pros and cons list, do all of that kind of problem solving to really figure it out, what it is you want. And I, uh, think journaling, this sounds so silly, but I also think that it's really important, because when you start writing down reasons if you told me ten years ago okay, well, write me a little essay on why you want to be an actor, I wouldn't have been able to tell you because it wasn't really what I wanted.


    Brianne Davis  00:26:13 Right.


    Anton 00:26:14 You know what I mean? Yeah. I think it's just so tricky because in the business, there's, like, all these flashing lights and flashing yellows, like you don't really know what you're even doing half the time. But I think it's important, um, to not be discouraged if you feel like you're not represented. I think that's really, really important, because that's something that discouraged me initially. Like, well, I don't see myself in any of these people, so I can't do this. And that worked out to my advantage in the sense that it's not really what I wanted to do. But I could have felt that very same way about being myself on camera. And if I felt that way when I had the opportunity to do that first on camera project RuPaul's show, um, if I had still felt that way, I certainly did, certainly thought, well, are they going to hire me, or are they going to hire some hot white model to pretend to be a makeup artist? I mean, that legitimately went through my head. But when I auditioned and I got the part and auditioned such a dirty word for me, I'm like, I don't do this, I realized I'm like, well, there is a place for me. There is a place for me. I can take up some space and represent myself and not be ashamed of being Armenian or gay or any of these things. Like, I can go out there and be who I am and be authentic to who I am and not apologize for it. So if you feel like you're afraid to get out there and to make a dream happen because of the way you look, because the way you think other people will perceive you, don't.


    Brianne Davis  00:27:53 Yeah, just do it. Just go for it.


    Anton 00:27:55 Just do it. Because there's a place for everybody. There really is. And it's getting better. It's getting a lot better. And I think that that's something to remember. Don't be afraid to try.


    Brianne Davis  00:28:08 Well, thank you for coming on and sharing your secret. I appreciate you.


    Anton 00:28:13 It's just, like, really liberating and, like, weird and cool and so bizarre because this really is a secret.


    Brianne Davis  00:28:21 I know. That's why I'm doing it. It's to liberate, it's to free, and it's to be your authentic self and to connect with another person.


    Anton 00:28:29 I love it so much.


    Brianne Davis  00:28:30 Well, thank you.


    Anton 00:28:31 Thank you for having me, Brienne. And I really hope that I see you soon.


    Brianne Davis  00:28:36 In the flesh.


    Anton 00:28:37 In the flesh. Because I just can't deal. I miss you. We need some fierce glam moments to happen.


    Brianne Davis  00:28:43 We do?


    Anton 00:28:44 Yeah.


    Brianne Davis  00:28:44 Well, if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note@secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or amazon, pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    29m | Dec 26, 2022
  • Rachel: I’m a Love Addict and I Was Addicted to a Younger Man

    Rachel shares her inspiring story of how she confronted her struggles with love and sex addiction. With the help of a love addiction specialist, Rachel was able to move from a place of deep lows to a place of hope and healing. Host Brianne Davis also discusses the importance of seeking help, and how powerful it can be to take ownership of one's own behavior and thoughts. This engaging and encouraging episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking support on their journey of healing.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    This month's sponsor - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript

    [0:00:00] Rachel: I watched my life start to both elevate in really weird ways and then deteriorate into this like, deep bottomless pit of I can't do anything without this man in my life. And he was like a drug. Like could not get enough, like was addicted.

    [0:00:28] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know those deep, dark secrets we probably want to go to our grave with are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really.

    [0:01:28] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today. My guest is Rachel. Now, Rachel, I have a question for you. Dun, dun dun. What is your secret?

    [0:01:39] Rachel: Well, thank you for having me on. And my secret is that when I was in my late twenty s, I had an on and off scandalous relationship with an 18 year old gentleman. And it literally threw my life down the tubes and I almost tapped out on life as a result of it.

    [0:02:05] Brianne Davis: Wow. Okay, let's go back. So what started this relationship?

    [0:02:12] Rachel: So I had been in on and off long term relationships with different men and none of them seemed to pan out. And I was on my hot shit.

    [0:02:24] Brianne Davis: Your shit down stink.

    [0:02:26] Rachel: Yeah, I was like, you know what? Fuck a relationship. I'm going to just get some young tail and see what happens. And honestly, I'd never been with anybody younger, but this guy was catnip. He was like kryptonite at this catnip and kryptonite all wrapped up into one package. And I watched my life start to both elevate in really weird ways and then deteriorate into this deep bottomless pit of I can't do anything without this man in my life. And he was like a drug, could not get enough, was addicted.

    [0:03:02] Brianne Davis: So can we talk about first how you said elevate? How did things elevate during that time?

    [0:03:11] Rachel: This young man came from a really amazing family. And in my relationship with him, or pseudo relationship we'll call it, I got exposed to motherly love, I got exposed to fatherly love. I got exposed to family in a way that I'd never felt cared for and seen. And it was almost like the missing puzzle piece in my life. And so I felt powerful at times, but then the low was like unmanageable, crying in my bed, staring at my phone for 12 hours waiting for text messages, like, kind of crazy, terrible.

    [0:03:48] Brianne Davis: So it was almost like was an obsession came over you about him. Did other people know about your relationship at the time?

    [0:03:56] Rachel: They did, but they didn't know to what extent I was choosing to participate in to the point where I would call my friends religiously for support, but they'd be like, Just stop seeing that guy. And then the later it would get at night, I would end up on an app called Whisper and releasing my deepest darkest, like, please help me get this guy in my life. Who do I have to be in order to have him in my life forever? And it was terrifying. I was addicted, I was obsessed, I was compulsive. I was spending hours like an FBI investigator on social media. I look back on that part of my life and go, I just want to hug that girl.

    [0:04:53] Brianne Davis: So did you stalk him? Was he an available young buck?

    [0:05:05] Rachel: As available as an 18 year old can be. I mean, he still lived at home. Like, I supported him in moving out of his parents house. Maybe in ten years, he would have been relationship material, but he was a baby.

    [0:05:30] Brianne Davis: A baby. But here's the thing. So your friends knew about the relationship. Did they know how young he was?

    [0:05:37] Rachel: They did know, but they didn't see to the extent I was involved. They saw like, okay, well, Rachel's not around anymore, so she must be doing something else. And he and I shared an activity in the world together, so I was always doing, quote unquote, that activity. And what I was really doing was just, like, upending my life and turning myself into bending myself into whatever sort of gumby character I could be that I thought he would want me to be, which included not being anywhere near anybody I was friends with.

    [0:06:16] Brianne Davis: So you really isolated yourself in this situation from people, so everything shut out and made it about this one person.

    [0:06:28] Rachel: Yeah. And seemingly from the outside, everything seemed fine. I was successful. I had a six figure income, I had my own place. I had it all together. And, yeah, it was jarring, to say the least. When I hit that bottom of, like, I don't want to do life anymore because of this relationship with this person, it was like a two week on, two week off.

    [0:06:57] Brianne Davis: So what was that bottom? Can you describe the moment where it just all came just rushing?

    [0:07:04] Rachel: Yeah, it was five years ago and five years ago in June, and I had planned my birthday and the girl he had cheated on me with probably three or four times, he was pulling away again. And I uncovered in my social media findings that he had planned a beach day with her on my birthday, and my birthday was going to be at the beach. So after he had just professed his undying love for me, and we were going to be together, and he never wants to see anybody else. And it was just like, I'm canceling my birthday, I'm getting in the car and I'm leaving town, and I'm never coming back. Yeah, it was gnarly. It was very traumatic. It was like I was living in an emergency room, emotional emergency room, 24 hours a day. My adrenaline, my nervous system was just tapped.

    [0:08:04] Brianne Davis: Wow. Did you get in that car and drive and go?

    [0:08:08] Rachel: I did. I went to where I am from and really had a hard time explaining why I was there and made some excuse why I was there and just found myself driving around and figuring out which telephone pole is just going to run my car into.

    [0:08:29] Brianne Davis: I have heard similar people say when they've been in that same situation, like they didn't want to kill themselves, they just didn't want to be around anymore. Is that how you felt?

    [0:08:42] Rachel: Yeah, I would say that it just hurt so bad that I didn't want it to hurt anymore.

    [0:08:49] Brianne Davis: Right.

    [0:08:50] Rachel: And my best thinking was like, there's no way this feeling is ever going to go away unless I end it. And I had exposed myself so deeply to the community that he and I were both in. Just people just like, they looked at me and go, you're a grown woman. What are you doing?

    [0:09:12] Brianne Davis: So I had all this judgment from other people because they saw it.

    [0:09:17] Rachel: Yeah. There were moments where people would pull him aside and be like, hey, she's dangerous. Don't talk with her anymore. Really had his best interest at heart, but they didn't see the inner workings of what actually was happening. And I'm fully responsible for creating what I created with him, and we co created it together.

    [0:09:46] Brianne Davis: I love what you just said because it seems like the blame got put on you, even though, you know, it was both you and him, but it seemed like, did it all come on you all the judgment came on you than him.

    [0:10:00] Rachel: I'm sure it didn't. I mean, there's my truth, his truth, their truth, and then the truth.

    [0:10:08] Brianne Davis: Did they say in God's truth because God sees it?

    [0:10:12] Rachel: God's truth? There's that too.

    [0:10:15] Brianne Davis: But.

    [0:10:19] Rachel: I think over the last five years, looking at somebody's, like, if you're looking at somebody and you're like, oh, they totally hate me, they totally hate me, they're thinking the worst of me. And then you will go up and ask them, hey, what are you thinking about? I'm thinking about eating a sandwich.

    [0:10:34] Brianne Davis: Yeah. It has nothing to do with you ever.

    [0:10:37] Rachel: Don't actually give a shit. And if they do, it's because it triggers something inside of them. So I don't truly know, but I know that there were people that pulled them aside and said, like, hey, this isn't a good thing for you. You're young, you're free. Don't get wrapped up in some old ladies stuff.

    [0:10:58] Brianne Davis: So here's my next question for you. How did you get out of it?

    [0:11:03] Rachel: I reached for a lifeline. I called somebody who had always given a trace to me, talk to me straight and direct with me. And she said, you get to go to a twelve step meeting and you get to get your butt into a counselor and have a conversation about love addiction. Because this isn't you that's dealing this and creating this. This is a part of you that is sick and you get to get help. And boy, I couldn't pick up the phone quick enough that day. Where I found myself driving around telephone to hit myself into a telephone pole was the day I called her. And within an hour of that incident, I was on a phone, phone call, phone therapy session with a love addiction specialist. And she was like, yeah, you are not alone. This is to tee the description of love addiction. And there's hope.

    [0:12:02] Brianne Davis: Here's my question for you. And a lot of people ask me this. I've already said I'm out ten years sober in sex and love addiction. And my question for you is do you think you can have a love addictive relationship with one person and then have a healthy one in another? Or are you always going to have love addicted qualities or traits?

    [0:12:25] Rachel: Are you saying simultaneously, like, I can be love addicted to somebody else and then at the same time be in a healthy relationship with somebody or like segueing from one to the next, one to the next? Over the last five years, what I've uncovered is that I'm on the spectrum of sex and love addiction. So there are days where I feel anorexic emotionally, there's days where I feel avoidance, there's days where my intrigue button is really high. And for those of you that are listening, there's all different types of sex and love addiction. There's a range. It could even be codependence. Just straight up 101 codependence. I can fall under the umbrella of that. And in the work that I've done, it's when I choose to come from responsibility and ownership and I'm willing to go to the deepest cut of why I'm acting the way that I'm acting or showing up in the world, then I have the option to be in a healthy partnership. But it is only when I'm willing to do that work.

    [0:13:27] Brianne Davis: I love how you say that because sometimes with love addiction it's so hard to explain that there are so many different aspects, there's so many different of that personality that can come out at one time. I can go anorexic, I can become obsessive, I can want to flirt an intrigue and it's like, I don't know each day what that character defect will flare up or that behavior will want to act out. So how you just said that, I hope it explained to the listeners that this can come in all forms. It's not just one way.

    [0:14:01] Rachel: It's a daily reprieve. Right. One day at a time. I choose to show up as a sober woman that's connected to something greater than myself. And without that spiritual practice, that foundation that I choose into every morning, I'm liable to be right back in that car five years ago, finding the telephone pole or digging into my partner's phone records or something. Yeah.

    [0:14:34] Brianne Davis: Because we only have control over ourselves. We don't have control over the person. Love addiction is you're addicted to a person. So they're human. They're going to have their flaws. My husband's going to trigger me sometimes, and I'm going to be like, See you. In other days. I'm going to be like, I love you, but that's okay. I have to do the inner work. So I stay connected and an authentic person.

    [0:14:57] Rachel: Yeah. And it has nothing to do with them. If I'm getting triggered by something someone else is doing, it's a gift to me to look at what value or belief that is toxic is arising and doing the work to get in there and rewrite that. This human projected all of the magical qualities that I wanted and a dad and a best friend and a partner and a brother. I mean, he fit every single mold of who I would have wanted to be kept safe by. So I was constantly lefting after that safety from somebody else. And then envy strikes a chord with me growing up, triangulating with other women. So the envy of, I don't want her to have what I want, you can't have it, but I can. So triangulating with men, particularly this one, who would, if at all possible, find the next available woman in whatever room we're in to create that dynamic with.

    [0:15:57] Brianne Davis: Wow. So you would walk into a room and that dynamic. Another woman would be, like, psychologically chosen, and you would play out that dynamic.

    [0:16:07] Rachel: Almost every time I was in a space with him.

    [0:16:11] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Can you name one incident that happened?

    [0:16:14] Rachel: Yeah, this activity we were participating in. I walked in one day, and there was a woman in the space that walked by. The space.

    [0:16:29] Brianne Davis: I just simply walked by, just walked.

    [0:16:31] Rachel: By, walking her dog. And I saw him walk across the room, look out the window, and then within 24 hours, they were having lunch together. And by day three, I confronted him straight up, and he was like, yeah. What? There was no proof. I had no proof that anything had happened. But my gut was like, up. Here we go again. She fits the mold of what he's after, and we were off to the races. And it's not just jealousy for me. It's the idea of creating situations where I'll be abandoned.

    [0:17:09] Brianne Davis: Right. That you'll always be like the less than one. Yeah. And I seem like I used to do that, to have a greater than less than with women in different ways. So when you're talking about it's like, oh, I always was either one up or one below a woman with somebody. You know what I mean? But that was your instinct, that you trusted your instinct. There was something inside of you, because lots of people just ignore that. Him looking out a window with a woman. Yeah, but you saw it and then you called it out, which I'm like, that never happens.

    [0:17:45] Rachel: Well, I guess it never happens, but the fact that I was calling it out was so that I could be right about being rejected or abandoned. And it's funny because even even after that relationship ended and I really got into the work, I would talk about walking into a room and scanning for who's the prettiest person in the room versus am I the prettiest girl in the room? So that I could assert control and power to be safe. Like, there was a very young part of me that just wanted to be safe everywhere that I went. And what I realized is that it had nothing to do with him. It was just another opportunity to play out the story that I'm not safe.

    [0:18:25] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. That's like Mike drop information that no matter what it was, it was just you setting up that scenario in your head.

    [0:18:35] Rachel: Yeah. So the good old cerny prayer that's the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. And it's crazy and feel like a magician sometimes, but when I take ownership and I am in ownership of my own behaviors, thoughts, feelings, attitudes, sensations, inner dialogue, no shit, my reality changes.

    [0:19:01] Brianne Davis: Yeah. It's really 100% when I let go of wanting to have control out of anything outside of myself and just have responsibility for myself. It's so free.

    [0:19:15] Rachel: Yeah, it's amazing. I mean, there's been times where I've been in a relationship where I'm like, this person is an alcoholic. They are an alcoholic. I've taken their inventory, and when I took off the magnifying the magnifying glass and picked up the mirror, within a week or two, that person wasn't drinking anymore. They did not have a problem with alcohol. It wasn't even an issue. And it was like, when I really show up and stay on my side of the street, everything I want to.

    [0:19:46] Brianne Davis: Manifest, manifest my gosh, I almost have chill bumps right now. I mean, I am having them a little bit. You should see my arm people.

    [0:19:54] Rachel: You get it.

    [0:19:56] Brianne Davis: But here's my next question. So having this secret relationship, secret like, pattern with this 18 year old guy, who do you think that benefited and who do you think it harmed?

    [0:20:14] Rachel: There are so many benefits and so many harms. I would say the harms were subconscious on both of our parts, and the benefits were intentional. You know, like, he learned things from me about life that he never would have learned if he hadn't met me. And there are things I learned about life that I never would have learned if I'd never met him. And I would say that that relationship saved my life or gave me the opportunity to create my life. I often refer to that relationship as, like, I was living in black or white and was forced to go into or chose to go into an emergency room. And when I walked out of the emergency room into the real world again, all I could see was color. And it was like, Holy shit. How have I been missing the taste of things? How have I been missing the color of things? I can feel and hear sound in a way that I never have before because all of my focus was on black or white before. So I benefited massively from that relationship as detrimental and traumatizing and scary and uncomfortable and juicy for a lack of better work.

    [0:21:33] Brianne Davis: But here's the thing, and I think this is for me, too. Sometimes the darkest situation and the darkest relationship has seen it for what it was and then moving out of it like you're saying and seeing color, that you actually step out of that horrible fantasy and into reality. And I think I used to think a relationship is what gave the world color, but that's not true. Do you know what I mean? I was so worried about losing that high of dramatic relationship, but really that's not living in truth. That's living in black and white is what you're saying.

    [0:22:19] Rachel: Yeah. It's also another way I like to look at it is I no longer I have bumpers on my life. Now I know if I get too high, I hit a ceiling instead of going even further than I would have. And sometimes living within those bumpers or value systems or boundaries. Or boundaries, my favorite word guidelines for my life. There's a little part that's sad that knows what the experience of being high or extremely low feels like. And sometimes life doesn't offer that same level of it's like eating candy or having a meal. I choose to eat meals now instead of binging on candy or soda all day and looking back and going, dude, candy was fun, and going, yeah, okay, I saw what life was like that, and I got really sick.

    [0:23:15] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Listen, I'm not saying there's not a little like, oh, that part of my life is over. And then you see somebody doing it, like a friend or somebody, and you're like, that was fun, but you know where that fun leads.

    [0:23:30] Rachel: You know, we're good and fast.

    [0:23:34] Brianne Davis: And you were hitting that telephone pole.

    [0:23:37] Rachel: Yeah, I know that it leads to a hijacking experience, and I'm just not willing to put myself through that. But did it benefit me to go through that at such a young age? Yeah. I mean, I'm seeing people that are in their sometimes 70s who have never even acknowledged that they've been living decades this way. So for me, I feel grateful to have, I would say, course correct in my life. Choosing to get on a path of reality and ownership at an early age.

    [0:24:11] Brianne Davis: I love that. Oh my God, you are dropping so many bombs today. For me, I just needed to hear them. But I do have one last question. If somebody is in a type of relationship that has a lot of drama, that's not stable, that they're not really happy with, but they're addicted to, what would be your advice to them?

    [0:24:34] Rachel: First and foremost, I would say some people can exist in those relationships and it's fine. I couldn't. So the question I would ask is, like, is your life unmanageable? Is your emotional life unmanageable? Make a list of the things that you're powerless over in this relationship. And then I would have them write out what their vision is, what do they want in relationship? And I would have them hold those two lists together and say, like, are these two things matching up? Is it time to do something about it? And then every person I mean, twelve step isn't right for everybody. It's not fit for everybody.

    [0:25:07] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I agree. It's not.

    [0:25:09] Rachel: There's transformational tools, there's leadership tools, there's twelve step tools, there's therapy, there's holistic tools. There's all kinds of ways to move from dysfunction to thriving, from surviving to thriving. And the one thing I will say is if you are in a space of losing your mind, you're not alone. There's somebody probably on your block that's having the same exact experience for some different reason or maybe even the same one. So pick up the phone and call somebody and that secrets will keep you sick. The sooner you can let it go and let it out and find a safe space to do that. I'm sure Brian would be willing to be a safe space for anybody knowing that that's what she's up to here. Reach out.

    [0:25:57] Brianne Davis: Reach out. And that is where we're going to end. So if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    26m | Dec 19, 2022
  • Josie: I’m Doing IVF Treatments, But Now I’m On The Fence About It

    We explore the often overlooked and complex topic of longing for a baby. We discuss the struggles of couples who have been together for a long time and haven't been able to conceive, and identify the difficulties in expressing such a deep desire. We talk about the various options couples can explore to increase their chances of having a baby, as well as the importance of being honest with each other about your desires. Ultimately, this podcast serves to remind us that even when the odds don't seem to be in your favor, there is still hope.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse, or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show, email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    Transcript


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Josie: I don't know if I'm just protecting myself because we've been together for so long and it's never happened and I feel like it's not going to happen. So I don't want to say out loud how much I want to have a baby, if that makes sense.

    [0:00:20] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis. Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others.

    [0:01:12] Brianne Davis: You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really. The how, the what, the when, the where and the why of it all. Today. My guest is Josie. Now, Josie, I have a question for you. Dun, dun, dun... what is your secret?

    [0:01:35] Josie: My secret is I have been going through IVF treatments and I'm kind of on the fence about if I actually want to do this or not.

    [0:01:46] Brianne Davis: Really? How long have you been going through this?

    [0:01:51] Josie: So my husband and I have been married for ten years and what's funny is when I first met him, like I was baby crazy. I wanted to have baby so bad. He's younger than I am, so he wasn't ready. And now in the last five years or so, things have kind of reversed and he's the one who's really baby crazy. I'm kind of over it. I don't know if I'm just protecting myself because we've been together for so long and it's never happened and I feel like it's not going to happen. So I don't want to say out loud how much I want to have a baby, if that makes sense. Or I don't know if it's just like now I'm in my feel like, who the hell wants to have a kid in their forty s? And I was thinking my kid is going to be six years older, maybe in my 50s. Like, oh my God, it sounds awful. Yeah.

    [0:02:42] Brianne Davis: No, I get it. And I feel like the reason I wanted to have you on and I'm just saying it, we are friends and you haven't really disclosed this and I remember you talked about it a couple of times and I have a kid now and it's like I never wanted a kid. And you did when we were talking a long time ago. And how did that you've been going through this journey and how long have you been doing IVF and what's the process been like.

    [0:03:14] Josie: So we started IBF and egg retrieval and all that about two and a half years ago.

    [0:03:22] Brianne Davis: And it was like around the time we met.

    [0:03:25] Josie: Yes. And I was kind of okay with doing it. My husband really wanted to have children, and I felt like, well, I think I'd be a good mom. I'm a great dog mom.

    [0:03:40] Brianne Davis: Hey, that's important. Dogs prepare you for motherhood.

    [0:03:45] Josie: It's so funny. I've heard that. And then when you tell that to people who have children, they're like, it's nothing like it.

    [0:03:50] Brianne Davis: Well, it is nothing like it, but it prepares you to be responsible for another human being, but it's a whole other level, right?

    [0:03:58] Josie: Yeah. And then you and I have talked about this when I first met you, and you weren't really crazy about having children, and look at you now. So I'm kind of wondering and I know I'm your guest, but I'm kind of wondering how's that with you having a child and you weren't baby crazy your whole life.

    [0:04:15] Brianne Davis: Well, here's the thing, and that's why I wanted to talk to you about it. We both come from such different perspectives. I never wanted a child, and then finally when I decided to have a child, I'm older, too, and when he's ten, I'm going to be almost 50. And I'm exhausted. Girls. I'm exhausted. And we're old parents. So a part of me, when you're saying, I don't want to be 40 something or 50 when I have a six year old, I'm going ding, ding, ding. Yes, it's exhausting. But I also am really glad I did it because it's given me a bigger purpose in life. But then at the same time, girl, like, I brought a child into this crazy world that I have. It's just out of control. And I'm like, I can't believe I brought a child into this world.

    [0:05:15] Josie: And that's the other thing. Like, would you really want to bring a child into this crazy world right now? Especially, it's not as if we would just accidentally get pregnant. It's kind of a plan thing. And I think when you start thinking, you just think too much about it. It's not the right time. What's it going to be like when you have to put so much thought into it? It's really scary because you're making that decision to, I just I'm going to do this, and you're putting a lot.

    [0:05:43] Brianne Davis: Of money into it. I mean, how much is the IVF? Can you tell me that?

    [0:05:47] Josie: So I'm in Canada, we're 20 grand in and they were able to get twelve eggs, and only a certain amount, like live, and then out of the seven that lived, only one is a good embryo for implantation. So it's also disappointing, right? I'm in my have twelve eggs. I'm like, holy crap, I'm amazing. I got twelve eggs as a woman.

    [0:06:11] Brianne Davis: Because they tell you at what, 30, 35, that you're drying up pretty much yeah.

    [0:06:18] Josie: You know what they said to me? They said to me, you would be a geriatric pregnancy. I almost died. I swear to God. I'm like, you guys need to come up with a better fucking name than geriatric pregnancy.

    [0:06:31] Brianne Davis: That's just mean. That's actually abusive to a woman.

    [0:06:35] Josie: I feel my gosh saying that in front of my younger husband. I was like, oh, my gosh, this is awful. So if there's a lot of emotions, there's a lot of disappointment. You get excited, you have all these eggs, and then a lot of them don't survive. And then when they do survive, when they put in the sperm, they don't actually survive. And so only one of them is good. So we have one shot. That's it.

    [0:07:05] Brianne Davis: You're doing it again. Have you done?

    [0:07:08] Josie: No, we're doing it in December, so it's coming up.

    [0:07:12] Brianne Davis: So are you feeling right now, like, all this pressure?

    [0:07:16] Josie: Yeah, honestly, like I was saying, I don't know if I'm just trying to talk myself out of getting excited because I only have this one shot. I'm like, I just kind of want to get it over with. I want to just know once and for all, I'm either going to have a kid or I'm not. This is it. This being in limbo is so exhausting, emotionally draining, because you don't know. And I think that if I was to know, I'll never be able to have kids, I could deal with it. But the not knowing if this is going to work or not is exhausting.

    [0:07:46] Brianne Davis: Oh, it's completely exhausting. I feel you. And I kind of want to go back to when you were younger. And I know this is going to be a really weird question and you don't have to answer it, but were you always one of those females that was scared of getting pregnant or over? I remember when I first started having sex, I was like, I can't get pregnant. It was like doomsday.

    [0:08:11] Josie: Not at all. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I used to go on first dates with guys and I'd be like, I want to be a stay at home mom.

    [0:08:23] Brianne Davis: When did you lose your virginity?

    [0:08:27] Josie: I was 18, I think.

    [0:08:29] Brianne Davis: Oh, girl, I started way earlier than you. I'm like, wow, I don't even want to say my age when I lost my virginity. Oh, my God.

    [0:08:37] Josie: That'll be your secret that we have to get out of you.

    [0:08:40] Brianne Davis: Well, it's all safe. It was 13, girl.

    [0:08:43] Josie: Oh, my gosh.

    [0:08:44] Brianne Davis: I know we are really young in the south. Sorry if you're Southern and you disagree with me, but I started very early, and when I finally decided to get pregnant and we got pregnant, I lost that child. The first child. I had a miscarriage when I was working on the show and I talked to you about it, and then this anger came up where I was like, this whole time I was trying to not get pregnant. And when I tried to finally get pregnant, it didn't really happen. So I was so angry at God. Do you feel that or no, I.

    [0:09:23] Josie: Mean, I do feel that. When you're young, everyone is just like, don't have sex. You'll get pregnant, it's so easy. But in actuality, it's like there's two good days or something crazy like that.

    [0:09:34] Brianne Davis: I think it's one, isn't it?

    [0:09:36] Josie: Like one good day? Yeah, something like that. I'm just like, oh my God. I think it's good that they scare the hell out of you when you're a kid, but when you're actually trying and you find out there's only one or two good days, it's like, holy crap. It's really difficult. And as you get older, it's even more difficult. And then as you get older, you get used to the way that you lived your life. Not being selfish because I'm definitely not a selfish person.

    [0:10:01] Brianne Davis: No, you're like the least selfish person I know.

    [0:10:05] Josie: I mean, I put my dog first and I live for my dog and my family and so not in that way, but it's just you just get used to the way that you live and getting up and going to the gym if you want and just different. So it gets harder to give that up, I think.

    [0:10:21] Brianne Davis: Yeah, because girl, you would be giving it all up. I'm telling you. Even going to the bathroom, you give up. I was like, oh my God, I finally have to go to the bathroom after 2 hours because I'm just dealing with feeding my son, getting his stuff ready. Because as a mom, we give up so much.

    [0:10:41] Josie: And that's the thing. People say it's worth it, but is it really worth it? You can't say no because you have a child. And women will never say like, oh God, I wish I didn't have a kid.

    [0:10:54] Brianne Davis: No, but I've had moments at night, especially during this period of time where I've been like, why did I have a child now? And why did I bring him into this crazy world and what was I thinking? But then when he turns and looks at you and smiles, it's like my heart is like melts. So it's this I hate and I love relationship all at the same time.

    [0:11:19] Josie: Yeah, I get that.

    [0:11:22] Brianne Davis: And lots of moms don't talk about that, but that's the truth.

    [0:11:25] Josie: Lots of moms I think I see patients in a day and I see a lot of people and they're all women. And I've only one time had someone tell me that she wishes she wouldn't have had kids.

    [0:11:38] Brianne Davis: And what did that feel for you, everything you've been going through?

    [0:11:43] Josie: I mean, it was scary because I was thinking, what if I'm doing all of this and I'm going to feel like she does? Why did I go and screw up my life? That's just easy. My life is so easy, right? I get up when I want. Well, not really, because I go to work, but you don't have to get up, and you get up when your alarm goes off, not when a baby cries. You just kind of do your own thing. So I'm also scared, what if this works? And I'm like, oh shit, why did I do this?

    [0:12:14] Brianne Davis: Because you might have that feeling, honestly. And you'll have days when you have that feeling and then days when you don't have that feeling.

    [0:12:22] Josie: Right.

    [0:12:23] Brianne Davis: Are you feeling all this pressure from society too? As a woman?

    [0:12:27] Josie: Not so much, because I feel like a lot of women aren't having children or having children later in life. I do feel a lot of pressure from my husband who really wants to have kids, and I feel like I can't give him that and it's very difficult. I also think he's younger than I am. He could decide in ten years, well, you know what, I was okay with not having kids, but now I'm not anymore and just leave, which is that could happen, and who am I to take that away from him? If he really wants to have kids and I can't do that, then of course he should go out and get what he wants. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

    [0:13:05] Brianne Davis: No, I understand.

    [0:13:08] Josie: It's a lot of pressure, for sure.

    [0:13:10] Brianne Davis: Have you guys discussed adopting? Maybe?

    [0:13:16] Josie: I don't think it's something that I would want to do at this time anyway. Neither would he.

    [0:13:23] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you have talked about it and it's just not something you're interested?

    [0:13:28] Josie: Yeah, not right now. We decided if it's not going to work, we'll be dog parents for now. And he says I'm crazy if I think that in ten years from now is going to change his mind. But let's be honest, I mean, it can happen, right?

    [0:13:43] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, men can have children until they're 65 or something. At least like 75 on their deathbeds.

    [0:13:50] Josie: Oh my gosh.

    [0:13:51] Brianne Davis: I know. It seems so not fair they should be the one on birth control and stuff. They're the ones that can pregnant more people than us.

    [0:14:01] Josie: So yeah, it's been a lot of pressure.

    [0:14:04] Brianne Davis: So how long were you guys actually trying to have children until you hit the IVF journey?

    [0:14:12] Josie: Well, we've never used birth control. I've never used birth control. We've never really tried to get pregnant when we were first dating or together, but we also didn't take the precautions and we never got pregnant. So realistically trying, I'd say about five or six years. And then we've been doing the IVF thing for the last couple of years, which by the way, was a nightmare of those hormones. Oh my gosh, yes.

    [0:14:42] Brianne Davis: Take me through that process. So our listeners and if anybody else is going through it, they don't feel like they're the only ones. What is that process like?

    [0:14:51] Josie: So you're injecting yourself every single day. Your hormones are all over the place. You're crying, you're happy, or just you're super bloated. It almost looks like you're pregnant, which is kind of freaky. I was getting really bad headaches, which was really bad.

    [0:15:09] Brianne Davis: I was getting those during when I was pregnant, my headaches were terrible.

    [0:15:14] Josie: And that's the thing. There's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can take. Right. So you're just suffering. It's awful.

    [0:15:22] Brianne Davis: Oh, yeah. The first trimester, I was pregnant, I was nauseous. Twenty four seven. And I had a headache and I was working. Right.

    [0:15:34] Josie: You're probably not telling anyone you're pregnant.

    [0:15:36] Brianne Davis: No.

    [0:15:37] Josie: Right.

    [0:15:38] Brianne Davis: Especially if you've lost a child, you don't tell anyone. You're like exactly. And I almost went through that thing where you said, december is coming up, and you're going to try, and there's a part of you that doesn't want to get excited or talk about it or anything because you don't want to put that pressure on yourself.

    [0:15:56] Josie: Exactly.

    [0:15:57] Brianne Davis: When I got pregnant, again, that pressure of like, oh, my God, if this works out, what if it doesn't work out?

    [0:16:05] Josie: Did your husband feel that, too? I wonder if that's more just us women who put that pressure on us.

    [0:16:12] Brianne Davis: I'm not sure that's a good question to ask him. I think he was more worried about how I was feeling, that he didn't really think about how he was feeling. He's kind of like you. He's the nicer one in the relationship.

    [0:16:28] Josie: He is great. Yeah, he's a great guy. But I wonder if it's pressure that we women put on ourselves or if they feel the same thing. If they feel, like, as much of a loss as we do, if they feel as much pressure as we do. I wonder.

    [0:16:45] Brianne Davis: Well, I know for me, I felt like something was broken inside of me. God wasn't going to allow me to have that. And so something must be broken inside of me. Does that ever come up for you?

    [0:17:02] Josie: I mean, I feel like less than a woman for not being able to give my husband a child. You hear some women who are like, oh, we got pregnant the first try. It's just so frustrating. And then as a woman, like, you want to give your husband a child. Right. You want to have a child with your husband. And if you can't do that, it's hard because you feel like there's something wrong with you.

    [0:17:27] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Like you aren't doing what your body is made to do.

    [0:17:32] Josie: Exactly.

    [0:17:33] Brianne Davis: And I think it's a biological thing where we put it on ourselves that my body is supposed to do this, and it's not, and something's wrong with me.

    [0:17:45] Josie: So, yeah, it's a lot of pressure. It actually feels nice to talk about it because no one at my work or friends knew that I was going through IVF. Even my mom, who I talk to every single day, I didn't tell her until after the egg retrieval that we were doing it just because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for us. I don't want anyone like, how's it go? Asking, and it doesn't work. And then you have to go into this whole story about how you did IVF, and it didn't work. It's just like so it's something that I was just going through by myself, really, with my husband.

    [0:18:21] Brianne Davis: That has to be so hard. That has to be so hard because I know what the hormones do. And you're injecting yourselves with more hormones to, like, every morning. How many times a day did you have to do it?

    [0:18:36] Josie: I'm trying to think. I think it was morning and night. Oh, my gosh, my stomach was so bruised. And then you run out of places where you can inject, and it's bruised, and you have to inject, and that bruise, and it's just oh, my gosh. But I did one round of it, and I don't know how women do this more than once. Maybe some react differently, but to put your body through that, and it's like a roller coaster ride. I feel for people who do a few of them. Right.

    [0:19:08] Brianne Davis: Yeah, no, I have a friend that I think did it three times, and she said it was brutal. It was brutal to her body. It has to be.

    [0:19:18] Josie: Did she finally have a baby?

    [0:19:20] Brianne Davis: Yes, she's had two.

    [0:19:22] Josie: Oh, wow. Yeah, that's good. Yes.

    [0:19:26] Brianne Davis: And I have another friend that did it, and it worked. And it's just like it's such a crap shoot. It's not like you definitely do it and it works. It would be much easier if that was the case. Right.

    [0:19:36] Josie: And it would be a lot easier to spend $20,000 if they were to say it's $20,000, but we will try as many times as it takes. But it's not it's $20,000, and it's a gamble, but it's something that he really wanted to do. I think if it would have been just up to me, I wouldn't have done the whole IVF thing. No, I think I would have just said, it's not in the cards, and that's that. But yeah. When did you even know if he knows this? I don't even know if he knows that. I wouldn't have done it because I.

    [0:20:12] Brianne Davis: Didn'T even know that. Because you didn't even share that with me. So what made you decide, other than him? Like, you just stepped into the position.

    [0:20:23] Josie: Or it was just for him. Wow. If it would have been just up to me, I never would have done it. I would have just said, it's not in the cards, and it is what it is, and let's move on. But for him, he wanted to try everything to try and get pregnant, and if that didn't work, then he would be okay with not having kids, but he's not okay with not trying everything to have a baby, if that makes sense.

    [0:20:50] Brianne Davis: Yeah, that makes sense. But I want to ask you, because we talked about earlier. You would go on dates after you lost your virginity, 18, and you would say, I want to be a stay at home mom. When was that decision made that you are okay not having kids? Do you remember? Was there a moment?

    [0:21:11] Josie: I don't think there was a specific moment. I think it just didn't happen. I didn't get pregnant. So now I started focusing more on work and other things and started I don't know if it's convincing myself that I don't want it. I don't know if it's just when you know that something is not going to work, you're just like, I didn't want it anyway. So I don't know if I'm just protecting myself by saying that, which is part of me thinks that's what it is. Because I'm telling you, all I ever wanted was to be a mom when I was growing up.

    [0:21:47] Brianne Davis: That actually makes me very angry as a woman for you. I almost feel guilty, I have to say, because I never wanted to be a mom, right? I have a child and you've always wanted to be a mom, and you don't have a child. And I'm only saying this because I want to start crying, because it's like, why is that okay?

    [0:22:18] Josie: Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe it's just not in the cards. Who knows? God has a plan, right? Who knows? Maybe it's just not meant to be. And I'm not going to be one of those women who's going to say, like, I'm going to do this IVF thing, like ten times, as many times as it takes to get what I want. I mean, if it's just not going to work, it's not going to work. I'm not going to put myself through it. Right? And then you move on. You got to focus on something else.

    [0:22:45] Brianne Davis: Wow, you are so much more evolved than me. I would be angry at God because that's my thing, or I would be like, envious of the other women or friends that have children, only I'm just.

    [0:23:00] Josie: Full of shit and pretending that I don't want it and that I don't care because I know that it's not going to happen. So I'm just like, fuck it, I didn't want it anyway.

    [0:23:10] Brianne Davis: You're self protecting. You're like rejecting it before it rejects you. Exactly.

    [0:23:15] Josie: I'm going to dump you first.

    [0:23:17] Brianne Davis: Exactly. And you're at home, like, throwing darts at my face like you caught me.

    [0:23:26] Josie: The secrets out.

    [0:23:29] Brianne Davis: No, but I'm just saying I feel like that's so brave that you just said what you said. Maybe there is a small part inside of you that is self protecting and trying to reject it before you get rejected.

    [0:23:44] Josie: I think that probably is it. Especially since all I ever wanted was to be a mom. What's changed? I don't know what's changed other than the fact that it didn't happen. So I'm probably just protecting myself. But I feel like the heartbreak will be not as severe if I'm saying this right, as opposed to, like, I really want it so bad and then it doesn't happen, then what?

    [0:24:10] Brianne Davis: Do you think you can honestly protect yourself from that?

    [0:24:14] Josie: I don't know. Probably not. I mean, we have one embryo, so it's like that's it one shot. It hardly ever happens in the first try. I don't think I know of any women that have gotten pregnant with the first five DF try, but I just honestly just want to get it over with, do it and move on.

    [0:24:40] Brianne Davis: Okay.

    [0:24:41] Josie: Because I feel like it's been looming.

    [0:24:44] Brianne Davis: Yeah, no, it has. And it's like the whole process, like you said, you've been planning this process, and it's dragged out, and it's like, can we just do it already so I know what my future holds?

    [0:24:55] Josie: Exactly.

    [0:24:58] Brianne Davis: And I guess the thing we can do or you can do, I feel, is like, turn it over as best as you can, which it sounds like you are as best as you can.

    [0:25:07] Josie: I mean, it's whatever meant to be is going to happen, so I don't think I have much control over it.

    [0:25:13] Brianne Davis: Well, here's my question for you. How has it felt keeping this journey to yourself? And who do you think that has benefited? And who do you think it's harmed?

    [0:25:27] Josie: It's probably benefited me because I don't have to talk about it and have people feel sorry for me. Who has it harmed? Maybe other women who are going through this. I think it's important to share stories because then we can help each other. But I also don't want the pity, and if it's not going to work, I don't want the questions of, oh, have you tried it? Did you do it? Did it not take? I just don't want to deal with it. So I think it's protecting myself, for sure.

    [0:26:04] Brianne Davis: And if someone is listening right now and they're going through the same situation you are, what would be your advice for them?

    [0:26:12] Josie: Probably have one person that you can talk to and turn to who can give you advice, whoever that person may be, other than your spouse. Because I don't feel like they really get it. They don't get the hormones. They're not women. Right. So they don't get the house.

    [0:26:26] Brianne Davis: They don't get any of it.

    [0:26:28] Josie: I have no clue. They have it so easy.

    [0:26:32] Brianne Davis: I know. I told my husband that literally, I'm like, you didn't have to do anything.

    [0:26:38] Josie: Nothing, really? They do nothing. It's brutal. It's so unfair. But I think I would just find one person who's your shoulder to cry on. Yeah.

    [0:26:48] Brianne Davis: Because I have to tell you, being alone in any hardship makes it so isolating.

    [0:26:54] Josie: I feel that's true. I've always been like that, though. Something's bothering me. I keep to myself, and I just kind of shut down. So that's probably not the best thing to do.

    [0:27:09] Brianne Davis: But yeah, because when we hung out, I had no idea you were going through all that.

    [0:27:17] Josie: I know.

    [0:27:18] Brianne Davis: And you had a smile on your face. It's not like you were like, a little down and I was like, what's going on? Are you having a bad day? No clue. And I feel like as women, we should be able to, like, rip that mask off and say, this is what's happening. Don't ask me about it, or, I don't want your pity, but this shit sucks, right?

    [0:27:43] Josie: Yeah. I mean, that could have been a better way to deal with it, for sure.

    [0:27:48] Brianne Davis: Well, I am so grateful for your friendship. I'm so grateful you shared this story. I know how hard it was and the secret with me, and I'm just beyond grateful.

    [0:27:59] Josie: Well, thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm going to go throw darts at your face now. No, but I think I actually never feel angry or hurt or anything like that when other women have children because I just think that's great and that was in the cards for them. Yeah. So I think you're a great mom and I'm so happy for you guys. Thank you.

    [0:28:26] Brianne Davis: And you're a much better person. He is. He is really cute, but you are a much better person than me, girl.

    [0:28:34] Josie: Well, I will take that. Thank you so much.

    [0:28:37] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time. Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    29m | Dec 12, 2022
  • Madison & Lindsey: We’re Friends That Go To Sex Parties Together

    Co-hosts of the popular Clit Talk and founders of Pleasure Positive Living, Madison, and Lindsey, share their sex-positive story about the world of sex parties, polyamory, non-monogamy, and intimacy.

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    Madison & Lindsey

    Get more info: https://www.pleasurepositiveliving.com | https://clittalkshow.com/instagram

    Get a free guide: https://clittalkshow.com/guide

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE: addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    SPONSOR - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    29m | Dec 5, 2022
  • Alexis: I’ve Had an Affair With My Married Trainer and Other Dating Secrets

    From lying about being in town for a long distant relationship, to a four month affair with her personal trainer, the journey to finding love is all too relatable.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    29m | Nov 28, 2022
  • Ryan: I Was Molested By an Older Kid and it Still Affects Me

    It may have happened over 20 years ago, but the traumatic experience has affected Ryan in ways he couldn’t imagine; rage issues, depression, and issues with intimacy. 

    RAINN - Sexual Assault Hotline

    Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

    How does it work? When you call 800.656.HOPE (4673), you’ll be routed to a local RAINN affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number. Cell phone callers have the option to enter the ZIP code of their current location to more accurately locate the nearest sexual assault service provider.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    31m | Nov 21, 2022
  • Mandy: I Do Not Like Children and I'm a Mom

    Even though she always fantasized about childbirth and having a child, she's never been a fan of children, even though she now has one. Being a mom is a thankless job, but what if everything a child does triggers you?

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    25m | Nov 14, 2022
  • Angie: I'm a Suicide Attempt Survivor

    Angie Hawkins had relocated from all her family and friends in Chicago and found herself in Hawaii, alone and in the middle of a pandemic.

    National Suicide Prevention Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org or CALL 800-273-8255

    ______

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show, email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    ___

    Angie Hawkins is a free-spirited IT Operations Manager who, in her quest to find her purpose, moved from Chicago to Hawaii on her own. Her memoir, Running in Slippers, is a raw and vulnerable rollercoaster story that reads like a train wreck that you can't look away from. It feels terrifying to allow our deepest, authentic selves to be seen, but that is why she is doing it: to break out of the masks and encourage connection through vulnerability.

    Buy the Book on Amazon

    Author site: https://www.runninginslippers.com/

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

    Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
    31m | Nov 7, 2022
Secret Life
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